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The team of KVN "PARMA"
BREEZE: Diary of Sveta and Jeanne
Dedicated to my friend Svetka - a girl with a subtle soul, much more subtle than Svetka herself.
1st of February. Went to the dance. Mom gave me her skirt, handbag and boots. Well, that is, as she gave: she did not mind: well, she was not at home. So she gave me cigarettes too.
February 2. All my friends already have erotic dreams. And I have some kind of airships, giant cucumbers and bananas. Lord, when will I finally grow up?
-Was at home. She looked out the window. The girls in the yard were smoking grass. Then the police came and took them: Now I'm suffering. On the one hand - I saved them from drugs, and on the other - with whom I now will walk?
- I climbed into my father's library. I discovered a volume of Voltaire. I found 500 rubles. Voltaire is my favorite writer!
-In the 38th time I watched the movie "Pretty Woman". I still want to become a prostitute. Well, if it does not work out, then the doctor.
-Volter's evening. I found 1000 rubles. Still, much more opens when you read again!
18th of Febuary. I'm of age. I can do everything that my mother forbade. First of all, licked the swing and put her fingers in the socket.

Zhanke wrote her poems at the age of majority:
They dropped the bear on the floor,
Tore teddy bear paw,
But I took out all the fibers,
I pawed at the windows.
I will not throw it out anyway -
Che-nid still poke!

February 22. We thought for a long time what to give to our boys on the Day of the Defender of the Fatherland. Collapsed with Voltaire and bought a box of vodka.
February 23. We looked at our boys: and these people will protect us ?!
26 February. In the evening I decided to roar. Sobbing will be devoted to two topics: No one likes me "and" I'm fat. "
February 27. We got up with Sveta on the scales. Now we have a terrible secret.
28th of February. All! Since March 1 we go on a diet!
29 February. Finally went to McDonald's. Now we finish the cake and go to bed. A new spring is a new life!
February 40th. What a long winter this year!
-Papa leafed through Voltaire all night. I wonder what he is trying to find there, a man with a secondary technical education ?!

Civilization!
About Kolya from the Nizhny Novgorod Guild of Photographers. I come with a diskette to print photos. They tell me: "We do not accept floppies." I ask: - For what reason? Kolya comes up and says: "For the same one, according to which they do not go in bast shoes and do not ride horses, it's out of date!" I begin to object, saying the floppy is still in high speed, and here and there the only information carrier. But Kolya did not listen to me and answered brilliantly: "Look around!" Twenty first century! Civilization! People burn in crematoria! And you - with a floppy disk!
A story in order
A friend bought a daughter (4,5 years) with a cassette with the film "Beauty and the Beast". Comes home from work and asks her to tell what the cartoon was about. Girl: - There's such a terrible screaming "UUUUUU !!!!!", and the beauty sees it and shouts "Aaaaaaaa !!!!" and ... - No, - says the father, - you tell everything is normal, in order. Clear? The child sighs heavily, sits down on the sofa and starts: - The Walt Disney film company presents ...
Cynicism
Stagnant times. Almost all freshmen forcibly became members of the Voluntary People's Guards. At one of the first briefings of pre-retirement age, the captain of the militia read to the dormant red-haired public a short list of what the citizens of the ZY and the longish one that NIZHYA. In the last among the banal "covertly drink" and "loudly sing" suddenly sounded: "TO BE CZINIZED". The people woke up, asked to explain and heard: - On the territory entrusted to us are a chess club, a cinema, a pub. Of course, after all this, the peasant may be in a daze. If he is attached somewhere at the Christmas tree to pour - this is a violation, but not serious. To stop and specify. And here, if he goes along the central avenue and like this ... and the captain pictured something in between the fastening of the fly with two hands and the firing from the thigh from the Kalashnikov assault rifle - this is CYNISM !!! Delay and deliver. The next day at the University after the words of the lecturer: "The Mensheviks behaved themselves in a highly cynical manner, having risen in opposition to Lenin," the occupation of the History of the CPSU was thwarted.
Shit guard
Yesterday the shopping center agreed to meet with a friend. I drove to the parking lot near the center, my friend is late, well, I'm sitting in the car, smoking, waiting. In the meantime, I'm waiting, in front of the park is a fucking new and polished "Land Cruiser", out of it comes a shaved washer of non-standard dimensions, behind the puck, cheerfully wagging its tail, the Rottweiler jumps out, too big. With the words "x # li, I will protect the car!" The host takes his four-legged friend and flings back into the jeep. And goes shopping. At this time, several schoolchildren, apparently returning from school, became interested in the miracle of the Japanese automobile industry and surrounded the Land Cruiser, admiring and discussing it. For the reason, apparently, excellent noise insulation, the rottweiler was audible, but I personally saw him trying to run on the ceiling and, pushing himself from the instrument panel, jumped diagonally through the entire cabin. And judging by his face, he barked unceasingly. As he tensed, it became clear minutes after 15, when the children had already left, and the owner returned. Judging by the yelling of the "jiper", as well as the number of pizdles that Tuzik received, the dog was so pushing in the performance of its direct duties to protect the car, which obkakalas. And while she continued to rush inside, she smeared everything that she had been hammering on, in the gentle light velor of the plating ... Such a crappy guard.
Pobirushka and punk
I told a friend of punk. Appearing otpadny - kosuh, chains, Iroquois is so that passers-by associates envy, some skulls on a T-shirt, thorns on bracelets ... For half a quarter the human figure is seen by a grandmother and having a normal song Grandma examines my body with bulging eyes, continues to speak on the machine, but quietly and quietly ... "Give bread for the sake of Christ ... the savior ... oh, bl." "And unobtrusively creeping away to the side." Well, Duc ... I took out a trifle from my pockets and gave it to her. A good mood and not that much money costs :) "
Why do I need a camera
I work in the company that deals with the purchase and sale of bearings. As a manager of analytics department of electronic commerce. In the province, such a tricky word is a person who responds to the email and sends ads to free bulletin boards. I'm talking about a week ago in a smoking room with one of our stevedores. The boy is 20-22 years old. I will not say that I'm stupid, but ... a loader, in a word. I went to talk about phones, everyone praises me, etc. And I have a phone with a built-in camera. And after the next dialogue I begin to understand the meaning of the years spent in the dorms of MSU hostels: - Yes, it is necessary for ###? "Well, imagine, you have a vacation, you're sitting on the beach in the Canary Islands, looking at the sea, at the palm trees." I liked your palm - I immediately took a photograph and sent my beloved girl to Russia (well, or someone else ...) on e-mail. - Yes, well, b, on x ## it is necessary - took an ax, palm on ### felled, took it under a mouse and brought it to the girl. Well, what else to say ...
Odnoyaytsevye
Remember, "Nogu Svelo": "There is a miracle girl in our class ... Everything is good, only bald ..." There were two such girls in our class. And they were not just girls, but sister girls. The twins. Identical. And it's so monotonous that Lyuba from Vera does not even know that her friends-friends, their mother, sometimes could not tell: one height, faces-a dash in a dash, bald both like a knee (more precisely, like two knees) and even dress the same. Well, in short, a real school attraction. But the teachers were afraid scared. Well, not themselves, of course, but the fact that they someday will be thrown out. Type one for another exam will come to pass, or something like that. And I must say, there was something to be afraid of, because, in terms of public debauchery, the girls were at least somewhere: they did not climb into the pocket for a word, well, and they kept each other by themselves with all their might, they did not give any offense. I say the same - uniform twins. Well, so ... Imagine: the school is ordinary, secondary education. There is a lesson in Biology. Uchilka explains to the class the device of the pedicel. Class due to the fact that the device is to him deeply violet, restrained noise. Teacher young - is nervous. From time to time, trying to fight anarchy with standard replicas: "Keep quiet on the back of the desk!", "Stop talking!", Etc. The class does not stop, and Vera and Anyone suddenly start talking in full voice, and with every word they say all louder, and in the end, and at all go almost to shout, than caulk not only classmates, but also the teacher (with what this dialogue began, nobody but them remains unknown). Vera (loudly): - Lub, are you a fool? Lyuba (no less loudly): - And what is this I'm a fool? - And what a fool or something - you do such things! - Yeah, but is it something better? - Yes, you are wiser than you! "Are you the wiser you are?" Yes, compared to me, you're a complete idiot! "It's an idiot, you beast!" "Shut up, you shithead!" "Why are you shutting me up?" Why are you stopping me ?! I'll scratch your whole face right now! "Shut up, I tell you, bitch!" I'll shake you right now !!! Class in a daze. Everyone with bated breath awaits a bloody denouement, but then a coma comes out of a coma, who before that looked at them with an open, obviously not understanding how one can quarrel with her mirror image at all. Uchilka: - So, the girls quickly stopped! Now I'll throw out both of them! Vera, obviously skipping the words of the teacher by the ears, very loudly: - You yourself are a scumbag !!! Right now, I'm telling you so well ... # Teacher, interrupting Vera in mid-sentence and pointing at her with her finger: - So! What are you doing ?! Cursing ?! Get out of class !!! Now!!! Vera has a confused look. In the fuse she apparently completely forgot where she is at all. But there's nothing to do. She grabs her things in an armful, quickly walks to the door, reaches the door, turns around sharply, stares at her sister with furious eyes, and squeezes out her hatred with hatred: "Lyuba, what an ego! Of course, the lesson was thwarted
I am not a boy! I am a girl!
Once we sit on the grass at the fountain, in the hands of beer, leisurely there is a conversation. Merciful peace ... Sunny comes ... Suddenly something about 10 years old approaches me and asks for a cigarette. And I basically do not give cigarettes to children. Well, and I say that they say go get some rest, boy ... What is this puffing up like an Indian cock and proudly declares: "I'm not a boy!" I am a girl! I WANT TO SHOW! With the last phrase, the people tighten up sharply, because everyone is generally aware of the difference between people of different sexes ... but then follows no less cheerful continuation of the phrase: "Look!" I have nails painted!
Prevention of syphilis in Yazov
We have sex in the country - Democrats proudly declare from television screens. About "this" glossy magazines on the ruins, books, telecasts. For 10 years, the disease with syphilis, according to the chief sanitary doctor of Moscow, has increased by as much as you would have thought 200 times. But in fact once all this was not. I mean not venereal diseases, but information. Everything was decided in a close home circle. And in teams where it was difficult with "these" leaders had not been sweet. Recently read an article about how this problem was solved by Marshal Yazov, and not somewhere, but in Cuba. The article had a purely military title: "Do not go where the dog did not put it!" In short, the word to comrade marshal: "It was in Cuba, where I commanded the regiment." Then we arrived at the island. from the Cuban prostitutes One of the patrol did not survive, it was worth two pesos, after two weeks the soldier brought this doctor, all known venereal diseases in the analyzes. "Your treatment costs a lot of dollars!" I say to him. , I will find a way to heal you. You promise that in the field club you will show your disgrace to the whole regiment.Without the officers there will only be soldiers and I. He agreed and showed me.In the hall sat two and a half thousand soldiers.In the deathly silence the regiment looked with horror at his "farm" , and his male dignity, so as not to lie, was the size of a wine bottle. "After this" political information "I no longer had a single infected fighter!
Chukan
Turkey. Hotel with a system of "all inclusive". Dinner. At the Swedish tables are a lot of salads and snacks, in addition, something is constantly fried and cooked by people in the cook caps that stand around these tables. I want to try everything. Any dish seems small. My wife comes to the Chinese and asks in tolerable English what he is cooking there in his frying pan. Removed from the frying pan the pieces look very appetizing, and even the sauce is somehow watered. I wonder how the beast looked, from which it was made, maybe he even floated ... The answer in Chinese is brief and precise: - Chukan. It's normal ... They asked if they were frying, Busurmanin? - Chukan. Became uncomfortable for poor knowledge of English. Who it? A chipmunk or a bird? In short, it is necessary to take for purely cognitive purposes, to learn the language. Have taken. Have tried. Tasty, but not clear. These Chinese people will make a product like this, so they will smear it with sauces, which you will eat the dog. Maybe, "Chukan" is a proper name. Then I had a vague guess. Need to check. He came and exactly, the sign on the table in front of the Chinese read "Chicken". Chicken in our opinion ...
Crosswalk
In the glorious city of Ottawa, which is located in Ontario in the far and cold Canada, there is Carling Street. Nothing, actually, not a remarkable street. Almost in its very middle is a nursing home - also unseen ... And right in front of it - a funeral home - well, it also happens ... In general, this coincidence no one pays particular attention, but there is a detail one - connects the two institutions pedestrian crossing with a funny sign (the translation is not verbatim): "Attention, older people cross the road!" I leave to the grateful reader the opportunity to think about how, in what form and how often they do it ...
On bait
I'm standing by the "zebra", but about thirty meters upstream the green light has just turned green and a continuous river of cars flows past, accelerating. I'm not in England, I'm waiting. Nearby are the knight of the striped wand and the sad driver, whose Moskvich is parked right there. Ment carefully flaunts the victim's papers, seemingly without noticing anything around. Suddenly he spoke quietly, without turning and almost not moving his lips, as if afraid of frightening the game: "Go, go, just let someone try not to stop!"
Light bulbs
I'm standing somehow in the "Light" store near the counter, where electric bulbs are being traded. Suddenly a man comes up to the counter, not drunk, but a little poddaty, gives the saleswoman a check and says: - I have two blowjobs and without a mat ... After 30 minutes, laughing, I realized that the man needed only transparent minions.
Bored key
On my laptop, the "c" key jams. In a hurry I'm typing a document to the chief, a signature there - such and such, the head of such and such a department. We send by e-mail. A couple of days the boss looks at me askance, and hints at the sign on his door ... In short, I wrote him as the head of the department of comic technologies instead of space.
With physics it is finished
I watch news on the Fox channel, they tell about the American fighter F-22 Raptor. Among other things (flights at supersonic speed, "invisibility", etc.), he can also fight with cruise missiles. "Which," the colonel of the US Air Force explains, "does not obey the laws of Newtonian physics. Finally, the law of gravity is finished! Although in a single country ...
NINJA.
In my childhood, I saw enough in the video hall of the ninja film of ninja movies, as there were all sorts of samurai, ninjas of all the flowers of the rainbow were fiercely cutting each other's crotchets, pouring shiroki, throwing asterisks and other stuff from a variety of arsenal of ninja reception. Well, I like the type also was so steep and ahuenna jumpy ... but due to the fact that I walked more to the tipper than to a ninja - I could jump and kick on fucking only on the blunt muzzle of the neighbor pug Waldemar, who personified a dark side ... I started to train like in the movie hongildon ... I put all the brass knuckles in my socks into my socks, which I only found in my house .. and jumped through the knotted tree behind the towns, but I jumped low and soon from the tree only the trunk remained ... and even then it was broken in three places ... for hours about once received from the elders a fucking pussy ... It was necessary to somehow decide the issue with weapons, what would the coach cheat the dark side in the form of Valdemar ... I decided to start with darts, which decided to soak up the poison ... Drotikov did a lot .. .15 pieces ... of notebooks and needles ... for the loss of needles I got pussy already from my mother ... I had to pour the poison ... How to do it - in my favorite book "Spacer for midwifery" - I did not find .. but the pictures there were busted .. in all senses! In general, I made poison from all kinds of solvents, acetones, bleaches, household chemicals, potassium permanganate and vapors of a dozen tablets that I found in a medicine cabinet ... fucking this malicious mixture I dropped the needles into it ... left for a day ... after that the needles turned green and became fucking scary looking ... darts were ready ... It was necessary to make asterisks ... fuck ... I thought for a long time ... how to do it ... until spring went to the cemetery ... where scampering among the old and abandoned magloks, I thought of fucking off a star from one monument .. let it not be the 8th final, but and 5 ends were nigev ... the main thing it was fucked in the trees of Nijuev ... even with unshagged edges ... I for a long time hid it from everyone, since it seemed to me the most terrible weapon ... I had to make myself some clothes .. I decided to make it out of the tent ... the color of the panorama, if fucking green cones from cedar and rotten unclean hedgehogs ... In general, I had a raincoat and a cap on the ebalnik .. in which there were 3 holes - for the mouth, and the eye ... And on the legs for jumping, I decided to add a couple of springs from the couch, which I found on the pamouk ... it looked like a huyev ... but the remarks were kabudto spiderman-2 kakoyto ... I also made myself an abortion hook ... out of a hole ... and two meters of rope ... And now ... the decisive battle of the ninjis with the evil vampire Valdemar ... Valdemara had to wander and put in an abandoned boiler room in the furnace boiler ... In the evening I dressed in a ninzi suit ... took darts ... ponatykal them in all places of the costume ... there ... where the needles were in contact with the body - the burning started ... but I already had a fucking ... I was the rescuer of mankind from the impudent, huge shots of Valdemar, who multiplied in the yard every day ... on my left shoulder I hanged myself taste and took the hook ... in my right hand I took a star of advice ... and went to battle with evil ... Fuck was already as dark ... when I climbed on the roof on the wall ... bitch ... springs on the feet were hampered by the Ahuena ... one tore the cloth and now thundered ... but I crawled on the roof ... and then I had to go down the pile of coal to the Valdemar's lair ... throwing darts on all sides ... Scum ... when I was already on the roof - someone saw me from the neighbors ... and said that I fell on a pile of coal in the boiler room that a sarcastic wail of a saber is heard ... and it seems that she ate fucking me ... or at least snap la ... and I fucked at this time darts invisible ninjas, was them on ebalnikam, legs and other dicks, fought with them on a pile of coal ... shorter fun for the whole ... and shouted to Valdemar that fuck him ... as the last vishu on the bald head of Lenin ... Parents ... realizing that it was already quite late - they went to save me ... but when Valdemar was ready to die with the death of the brave - a crowd of people burst into the boiler room with lanterns ... well, here oil painting for Malevich ... I ... all in rags and coal dust ... in darts that stick out even in some places ... with springs on legs ... and a star from the grave in the other hand ... dad recognized the tent ... and fucked me on the sly cuff, from which I immediately realized that the ninjas better not to be any more ... said that for such fucking me still and the strap is gouged at home ... Mom was crying over Voldemar, which was dotted with darts and who whimpered like the last rat ... It all ended nehuyev ... if not to think that Valdemar now began to shit not only on the street, but also at the entrance at meeting with me ...
Why do we have sex?
You think the answer is obvious - to get an orgasm. Or for procreation. For you, there is news! Less and less people actively participating in big sex are driven by these motivations. Much of the progressive humaneness has long been using sex as the most pleasant and cheap remedy for ... Yes from the mass of problems! 1. You have a permanent depression, and all around monstrously irritates. So, during sex, the mood improves noticeably. In addition to simply psychological satisfaction in the process of sexual intercourse, the hormone endorphin is released in the human body, responsible for the good mood and positive perception of the world by man. And some researchers argue that the improvement in mood is associated with a change in the hormonal status of the organism, caused by the activation of certain centers of the brain. Uff-f, barely uttered! In fact, everything is simple: from high-quality sex, the mood improves on a chemical level - and you do not need to exert any special effort to do this. Truly << relax and have fun >>. 2. You constantly have something hurts. Forward, to bedtime feats - to reduce pain sensitivity! Before orgasm, a hormone with the mysterious name oxytocin is thrown into the human blood, under the action of which are formed painkillers endorphins - natural morphine analogues. And in women, sex and does contribute to the production of estrogens, which suppress pain associated with premenstrual syndrome. So sex is the best analgesic. 3. You are unhappy with your weight, constantly sit on diets, but it does not help you lose weight. Bedding is the best sporting device ever devised by humanity! In an excited person, the pulse rate increases from 70 to 150 beats per minute - this is like a weight lifter during lifting a bar. One sexual act burns about the same number of calories as 15 minutes of running at a good pace on the treadmill - but how much better the first is better than the second! Well, the arithmetic example of "sweet": for 30 minutes of sexual intercourse 200 calories are burnt. That is, having sex once a day, you will lose a pound of weight in a week! And in a month? 4. You regularly catch all kinds of viruses. Strengthen your immunity with sex! In the blood of people who do this regularly, it contains 30 percent more antibodies than those who abstain from abstinence. Therefore, sexually active ladies and gentlemen are much less likely to catch flu, cold and other infectious diseases. As for diseases that are picked up in another way, the answer is: condom, condom and once again condom. Not in the sense, of course, to wear three pieces at a time, but in the sense of not forgetting to buy! Fortunately, these supernatural pieces are sold everywhere - at least in the pharmacy, at least at the cash desk in any supermarket. 5. You do not like the size of your breasts. Incredibly, but the fact: regular sex increases the breast! The fact is that during the stimulation the blood flow increases and the breast can "grow" by 25 percent! 6. Your memory often leads you to bad information. It's also hard to believe, but with every orgasm the women ... raise their IQ! American scientists, relentlessly exploring the sexual possibilities of bipeds, found out: during orgasm, blood circulation in the body occurs at the maximum maximum speed and oxygen-enriched blood quickly reaches all organs, including the brain. And the control center for the hormonal system - the hypothalamus - also controls the work of the centers of memory and learning. So students and students during the sessions should not only be cramming ... 7. You are suffering from insomnia. But how sweet it is to fall asleep after orgasm, right? All because the sex hormone level of oxytocin has a strong calming effect and is an excellent natural sleeping pill. 8. You are not satisfied with the tone of the skin of the body. So why did it happen? During sex almost all muscle groups are trained. And especially important for women, like the muscles of the pelvis, hips, buttocks, abdominal press and arms. In addition, during sexual intercourse, the hormone testosterone is released into the blood, favorably affecting the musculoskeletal system. Another regular sex exercise improves posture. 20 minutes of sex equated to half an hour of morning exercise. So, if you are basically thin, but can not get rid of the hated tummy, you now know what to do. 9. You are horrified to discover all the new signs of aging on your face. With regular sex in the body, the content of the collagen important for women is increased, which, as is known, makes the skin smoother and silky. And produced by the body during sex, progesterone saves the face from pimples. For the same American studies, couples who constantly make love at least 3 times a week, after 30 years, ALWAYS look two or three years younger than their peers who practice abstinence. 10. You are constantly unhappy. Any long-legged beauty, especially younger than you, causes you a quiet annoyance, and photos of models in magazines spoil your mood for the whole day ... Only passionate sex can cure this ailment. When the coveted man tells you that you are the most beautiful woman on earth and will prove this by deed, you will finally stop thinking about how many extra centimeters have girdled your waist, or that the priest is no longer as elastic as in the old days. When a man wants you, it is much easier to accept and love yourself!