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Team KVN "PARMA"
Breeze: Diary of Sveta and Zhanna
Dedicated to my friend Svetka - a girl with a delicate soul, much more subtle than Sveta herself.
1st of February. I went to the dance. Mom gave me her skirt, handbag and boots. Well, that is, how she gave: did not object: well, in general, she was not at home. So she gave me more on cigarettes.
February 2. All my friends already have erotic dreams. And I still have some kind of airships, giant cucumbers and bananas. Lord, when am I finally going to grow up?
-Was at home. I looked out the window. The girls in the yard smoked grass. Then the police arrived and took them away: Now I am suffering. On the one hand, I saved them from drugs, and on the other - with whom will I now walk?
- I climbed into my father's library. Discovered a volume of Voltaire. Has found 500 rubles. Voltaire is my favorite writer!
-In the 38th time I watched the movie "Pretty Woman". I still want to be a prostitute. Well, if that doesn't work, then a doctor.
- In the evening I turned over Voltaire. Has found 1000 rubles. Still, much more opens when you re-read!
18th of Febuary. I'm an adult. I can do everything that my mother forbade. First of all, I licked the swing and put my fingers into the socket.

Zhanke wrote poems for coming of age:
Dropped the bear on the floor
Torn bear paw,
But I got all the fibers,
Pushes the window.
I won't throw him out anyway
Che-nid still stuck!

February 22. We thought for a long time what to give our boys for the Defender of the Fatherland Day. We dropped off with Voltaire and bought a box of vodka.
February 23. We looked at our boys: and these people will protect us ?!
February 26th In the evening I decided to shout. Sobbing will be devoted to two topics: No one loves me and I am fat.
February 27. We got up with Svetka on the scales. Now we have a terrible secret.
28th of February. Everything! From March 1, go on a diet!
February 29th. Finally went to McDonalds. Now we eat up the cake and go to bed. New spring - new life!
February 40th What a long winter this year!
-Dad all night leafed through Voltaire. Interestingly, what is he trying to find there, a man with a secondary technical education ?!

Civilization!
About Kohl from the Nizhny Novgorod Guild of Photographers. I come with a floppy disk to print photos. They say to me: - We do not accept diskettes. I ask: - For what reason? Kohl approaches and says: “For the same one, which is not used for sandals and riding horses, it’s outdated!” I begin to object, saying that the diskette is still in high gear, and in some places the only information carrier. But Kohl did not listen to me and answered brilliantly: - Look around! Twenty first century! Civilization! People in the crematoria harness! And you - with a floppy disk!
The story in order
A friend bought a daughter (4.5 years) a tape with the movie "Beauty and the Beast." She comes home from work and asks her to tell what the cartoon was about. Girl: - There is such a terrible shouting "UUUUUU !!!!!", and the beautiful woman sees him and shouts "Aaaaaaaa !!!!" and ... - No, - says the father, - you tell me everything is fine, in order. Clear? The child sighs heavily, sits on the sofa and begins: - Walt Disney Film Company presents ...
Cynicism
Stagnant times. Almost all first-year students forcibly became members of the voluntary people's squad. At one of the first pre-retirement briefings, the captain of the police read out to the dormant krasnovyazochnoy public a short list of what citizens are “soggy”, and long-lurid, that nizya. In the latter, among the banal "secretly to drink" and "to sing loudly," it suddenly sounded: "TO BE IN CINISM." The people woke up, asked for clarification and heard: - In the territory entrusted to us there are a chess club, a cinema, a pub. Of course, after all this, the peasant may be impatient. If he settled down somewhere at the Christmas tree to cast - this is a violation, but not grave. Stop and point. But if he walks along the central alley and like this ... and the captain depicted something in between the fastening of the fly with both hands and shooting a fan from the hip from a Kalashnikov automatic rifle - this is CINISM !!! Hold and deliver. The next day, in Univer, after the words of the lecturer: “The Mensheviks behaved themselves extremely cynically, standing up in opposition to Lenin”, the lesson on the history of the CPSU was thwarted.
Shitty guard
Yesterday, the mall agreed to meet with a friend. I drove to the parking lot at the center, my friend is late, well, I'm sitting in the car, smoking, waiting. In the meantime, I’m waiting, in front of the park, of course, a new and polished Land Cruiser, a shaved puck of non-standard dimensions comes out of it, behind the puck, wagging its tail, the Rottweiler jumps out, too, the dimensions are rather big. With the words "whether x, whether I will guard the car?!" The owner takes his four-legged friend and flings it back into the jeep. And goes shopping. At this time, several elementary school students, apparently returning from school, became interested in the miracle of the Japanese automotive industry and surrounded the Land Cruiser, admiring and discussing it. For the reason, apparently, excellent sound insulation, the Rottweiler was not audible, but I personally saw him trying to run across the ceiling and, starting from the instrument panel, jumping diagonally through the entire cabin. And judging by the face, he barked incessantly. As he strained, it became clear after 15 minutes, when the children had already left, and the owner returned. Judging by the screaming "dzhiper", as well as by the number of pussy-loops that Tuzik received, the dog so weighed down in the performance of its direct duties to protect the machine, that it crap itself. And continuing to rush inside, she smeared everything that she had produced on the delicate light velor of the skin ... Such a crap guard.
Beggar and punk
He told a familiar punk. “I’m walking, znachitstsa, down the street. Prikid otpadny - kosuha, chains, the mohawk stands so that pedestrians associatively envy, some kind of skull on a t-shirt, spikes on bracelets ... For half a block a human figure sees a bi-star and starts an ordinary song - Give me, they say, for God's sake. I come closer. Grandma examines my body with bulging eyes, continues to speak on the machine, but is quieter and quieter ... "Serve for bread, for Christ's sake ... savior ... oh, bl #. "And unobtrusively crawls to the side. Well, Duc ... I grabbed a trifle out of my pockets and gave it to her. Good mood and not so much money costs :) "
Why do I need a camera
I work in a company engaged in buying and selling bearings. In the position of manager-analyst of the e-commerce department. In the provinces, such a tricky word is a person who responds to e-mail and sends advertising on free bulletin boards. Talking about a week ago in a smoking room with one of our movers. The boy is 20-22 years old. Not to say that stupid, but ... a loader, in one word. We talked about the phones, each praises his own, etc. And I have a phone with an integrated camera. And after the next dialogue, I begin to understand the meaning of the years spent in the dungeons of the MSU dormitories: - Do you need it at ###? - Well, imagine - you have a vacation, you sit on the beach in the Canary Islands, you look at the sea, at the palm trees. I liked the palm tree - I immediately took a picture and sent my beloved girl to Russia (or someone else there ...) via e-mail. - Oh well, b, it is necessary for x ## - he took an ax, chopped down a palm tree on ###, took it under his arm and brought it to the girl. Well, what else to say ...
Identical
Remember, Leg Split: "In our class there is a miracle girl. Everyone is good, only bald ..." In our class there were two such girls. And they were not just girls, but girls-sisters. Twins. Identical. Moreover, they were so identical that Luba from Vera couldn’t be distinguished from her friends or friends; their own mother sometimes could not be distinguished: they were of the same height, the dash in the dash, both bald as a knee (or rather, as two knees) and even dressed the same. Well, in short, a real school attraction. But the teachers were afraid scared. Well, not them themselves, of course, but the fact that they will ever throw something out. Type one for another exam will come to pass, or something else like that. And I must say, there was something to be afraid of, because in terms of public debauches, the girls were at least where: they didn’t go into their pockets for the word, well, they supported each other with all their might, they didn’t give any offense. I say the same - twin twins. Well, so ... Imagine: the school is ordinary, secondary education. Biology class is on. The teacher explains to the class the device of the pedicel. The class for the reason that this device is deep purple for him, is restrained by noise. The teacher is young - nervous. From time to time he tries to fight anarchy with standard replicas: “Keep it quiet at the back desks!”, “Stop talking!” And so on. The class does not let up, and Vera suddenly begins to talk to Anyone in full voice, and with every word they say louder, and in the end, they almost go to crying altogether, rather than stopping up not only classmates, but also the teacher (how this dialogue started with no one else but them remained unknown). Faith (loudly): - Love, what are you, stupid? Lyuba (no less loud): - And what am I a fool? - And what is not a fool that - such things you do! - Yeah, and is something better? - Yes, smarter than you! - Is that you smarter? Yes, compared to me, you are a complete idiot! - Itself an idiot, beast! - Shut up, you bastard! - What are you shutting me up? Why are you shutting me up ?! I'm right now you scrawl all the face! - Shut up, I tell you, bitch !!! I'll smother you right now !!! Class in a daze. All with bated breath they are waiting for a bloody denouement, but then the teacher comes out of the coma, who had been looking at them openly before, clearly not understanding how you can quarrel with your mirror image at all. The teacher: - So, girls, well, quickly stopped! Now both of the class will drive out! Vera, obviously missing the words of the teacher past the ears, very loudly: - You yourself are a bitch !!! Right now, I’m giving you this # bu ... Teacher, interrupting Vera in mid-sentence and pointing a finger at her: - So! What are you doing ?! Cursing ?! Get out of the class !!! Now!!! Vera has a confused look. In the heat of the moment, she apparently completely forgot where she was at all. But there is nothing to do. She grabs her things, quickly goes to the door, reaches the door, turns around sharply, looks at her sister with angry eyes and squeezes out through hatred with her hatred: - Luba, what a URIDA! Course the lesson was ripped off
I am not a boy! I am a girl!
Somehow we sit on the grass at the fountain, in the hands of beer, slowly there is a conversation. Blessed pacification ... The sun comes ... Suddenly something about 10 years old comes up to me and asks for a cigarette. And I don’t give cigarettes to children. Well, and I say that they say go and rest, boy ... What is this something is inflated like an Indian rooster and proudly declares: - I am not a boy! I am a girl! WANT TO SHOW ?! In the last sentence, the people are tensely straining, because everyone in general is aware of the difference between people of different sexes ... but then there follows a no less cheerful continuation of the phrase: - Look! My nails are made up!
Prevention of syphilis by Yazov
We have sex in our country, Democrats proudly say from television screens. On "this" glossy magazines on the collapse, books, TV shows. For 10 years, the disease of syphilis, according to the chief sanitary doctor of Moscow, has increased by how much you would think 200 times. But once all this was not. I do not mean sexually transmitted diseases, and information. Everything was decided in close home circle. And in groups, where it was difficult to “these” leaders had not sweet. Recently I read an article on how this problem was solved by Marshal Yazov, but not anywhere, but in Cuba. The article had a purely military name: “Do not put it where the dog didn’t put it!” In short, the word to comrade Marshal: “It was in Cuba, where I was in command of the regiment. We then just arrived on the island. We settled down, put out Komsomol patrols around the camp - to guard the soldiers from Cuban prostitutes. One of the patrols couldn’t stand it - after all, two pesos were worth it. Two weeks later, the doctor leads the soldier. In the tests, all known sexually transmitted diseases. ”Your treatment costs a lot of dollars!” I say to him. I will find a way to cure you. o you will promise that you will show your disgrace to the whole regiment in the field club. Without officers, there will be only soldiers and I. He agreed. And he showed. In the hall there were two and a half thousand soldiers. In coffin silence the regiment looked at his "farm" with horror , and man’s dignity was the size of a wine bottle so as not to lie. After this "political information" I no longer had a single infected fighter!
Chukan
Turkey. Hotel with "max all inclusivе" system. Dinner. On the buffet there are heaps of salads and snacks, in addition, something is constantly fried and brewed by people in cook caps standing around these tables. I want to try everything. Any dish seems small. My wife goes to the Chinese and asks in tolerable English what he cooks in his pan. Pieces removed from the pan look very appetizing, and even with some sauce watered. I wonder how the beast looked like from which it was made, maybe it even sailed ... The answer in Chinese is short and precise: - Chukan. Normally ... They asked again what, they say, do you fry a Busurman? - Chukan. It became embarrassing for poor knowledge of English. Who it? Chipmunk or birdie? In short, we must take for purely educational purposes, to learn the language. Have taken. Have tried. Delicious, but incomprehensible. These Chinese will make the product in such a way, so that it will be smeared with sauces, that you eat the dog. Maybe "Chukan" is a proper name. Here I flashed a vague guess. Need to check. He came up and exactly, the sign on the table in front of the Chinese said "Chicken". Chicken our way ...
Crosswalk
In the glorious city of Ottawa, which is located in the province of Ontario in the distant and cold Canada, there is Carling Street. Nothing, in fact, not a remarkable street. Almost in its very middle there is a nursing home - also a barren ... And right in front of it - a funeral home - well, it happens too ... In general, no one pays much attention to this coincidence, but there is one detail - a crosswalk with a funny sign connects these two institutions (the translation is not literal): "Attention, older people cross the road!" I leave the grateful reader the opportunity to think for myself in what form and how often they do it ...
On live bait
I stand at the "zebra", but thirty meters upstream the traffic light just turned green and a continuous river of cars flows past, accelerating. I'm not in England, I'm waiting. Nearby are the knight of the striped wand and the sad carrier, whose Moskvich is parked right there. The cop carefully peels the papers of the victim, seemingly not noticing anything around. Suddenly he speaks quietly, without turning around and almost without moving his lips, as if afraid to scare the game: - Go, go, just let someone try not to stop!
Light bulbs
Somehow I was standing in the Svet store near the counter where electric bulbs are being sold. Suddenly, a peasant approaches the counter, not drunk, but a little underdog, gives the saleswoman a check and says: - I have two blowjobs and no mate ... After about 30 minutes, laughing, I realized that the peasant needed only transparent minions.
Japped key
On my laptop, the "c" key sticks. In a hurry, I’m picking up a document to my boss, the signature there is such and such, the head of such a department. We send by email. After a couple of days, the boss looks askance at me, and hints at a sign on his door ... In short, I wrote him down as head of the comic technology department instead of space.
With physics over
I watch the news on Fox channel, tell about the American fighter F-22 Raptor. Among other things (flying at supersonic speeds, "invisibility", etc.) he can fight with cruise missiles. “Which,” explains the colonel of the US Air Force, “do not obey the laws of Newtonian physics.” Finally, with the law of the end! Although in a single country ...
NINJA.
As a child, I saw plenty of videos of ninja films about ahuena, how all sorts of samurai are there, ninjas of all the colors of the rainbow were fucked awkwardly, shiraka, starlets and other garbage creatures from a diverse arsenal of ninfs received. Well, I was also a type of zahatel who was so cool and fucking bouncy ... but due to the fact that I was more dumped on a dump truck than on a ninja - I only jumped and kicked a fuck on the blunt face of the neighbor pug Valdemar, who personified the dark side ... I started to train like in the movie hildildon ... I slept all the brass knuckles I had found in my hut in my socks .. and jumped through the hemp tree behind the towns, but I didn’t jump around and soon from the tree there was only a trunk ... and then it was broken in three places ... for h About once I got from the seniors of the aukhena pussy ... It was necessary to somehow solve the issue of armament, so that the co-worker could fuck the dark side in the form of Valdemar ... I decided to start with the darts I decided to saturate with poison ... Darts did a lot .. 15 pieces ... from notebook sheets and needles ... for missing needles I got pussies already from my mother ... I had to nade the poison ... How to do it - in my favorite book "Sprovachnik on Obstetrics" - I did not find .. but the pictures were pussy there .. in every sense! In general, I made poison from all kinds of solvents, acetones, bleaches, household chemicals, potassium permanganate, and vapors of dozens of pills that I found in the first-aid kit ... using this evil syrup, I lowered the needles into it ... for a day ... after so the needles turned green and began to look awfully awesome to look ... the darts were ready ... We had to make asterisks ... shit ... I thought for a long time ... how to do it ... until we went to the cemetery in the spring ... where glancing among the old and abandoned magilokes, I thought of blowing a star from one monument to myself .. albeit not the 8th final, but and there were 5 nehuevs all over ... the main thing was that she fussed into the trees of the nihuev ... even with unsharpened edges ... I hid her from everyone for a long time, since she seemed to me the most terrible weapon ... I should have made myself some clothes .. I decided to make it myself out of the tent ... the color of Panos, if you fumble green cones from cedar and rotten untreated hedgehogs ... In general, I had a raincoat and a hat for an ebnik .. in which there were 3 holes - for the mouth, and eyes ... And on my feet for jumping, I decided to add a pair of springs from the sofa, which I found on the bench ... it looked like hell ... but the sensations were cabudto Spiderman-2 full ... I also made an abardazh hook ... from the holes ... and two meter ropes ... And now ... the decisive battle of the ninja with the evil ghoul Waldemar ... Valdemar had to be knocked down and put in an abandoned the boiler room in the boiler room of the furnace ... In the evening I dressed in a ninja suit ... I took darts ... plowed them all over the costume ... there ... where the needles touched the body - a burning sensation began ... but I already had a fuck ... I was the lifeguard of mankind from the arrogant, huge shabby Valdemar, which multiplied in the yard every day ... on the left shoulder I hung myself faith taste and take a hook ... in my right hand I took a star of advice ... and went into battle with evil ... Fucking was already dark ... when I climbed the roof along the wall ... bitch ... springs on The feet were interrupted by an хуhüen ... one tore the matter and now it was rattling ... but I crawled onto the roof ... and then I had to go down a heap of coal to the Waldemar's lair ... throwing darts away on all sides ... Fucking ... when I was already on the roof - someone saw me from the neighbors ... and said that I fell on a pile of coal in the boiler room, that there was an angry howl from the sabaki ... and it seems that she ate me a fuck ... or at least bite la ... and I was furious at this time with jerks of invisible ninjas, had them fucked up, legs and other huyam, fought with them on a heap of coal ... in short, had a lot of fun ... and shouted to Valdemar that zahuyaru him ... as the last louse on Lenin's bald head ... Parents ... realizing that it was already quite late - send me to save ... but when Valdemar was ready to die the death of the brave - a crowd of people burst into the taillight ... and here is an oil painting for Malevich ... I ... covered in rags and coal dust ... in darts, which stick out in some places ... with springs on his feet ... and a star from the grave in his other hand ... dad recognized the tent ... and fucked me a little on the slam of the head, from whom I immediately realized that the ninja was better not to be ... he said that for such garbage I still and with a belt they will float at home ... Mom cried over Woldemar, who was littered with darts and who whined like the last rat ... It was all over nehuiev ... if you don’t see that Waldemar now began to shit not only on the street, but also at the entrance meeting me ...
What are we having sex for?
It seems to you that the answer is obvious - to get an orgasm. Or to continue the race. There is news for you! Fewer people actively involved in big sex are driven by these very motivations. Most of the progressive people in the country have long used sex as the most pleasant and cheap remedy for ... Yes, from a lot of problems! 1. You have permanent depression, and everything around is terribly annoying. So, during sex the mood improves markedly. In addition to simply psychological satisfaction in the process of sexual intercourse in the human body, the hormone endorphin is secreted, which is responsible for the good mood and positive perception of the world by a person. And some researchers argue that the improvement of mood is associated with a change in the hormonal status of the body, due to the activation of some centers of the brain. Ugh-f, barely articulated! In fact, everything is simple: from qualitative sex, the mood improves at the chemical level - and for this you do not need to put any special effort. Truly << relax and enjoy >>. 2. You are constantly in pain. Forward to bedding - reduce pain sensitivity! Before an orgasm, a hormone with the mysterious name oxytocin is released into the human blood, under the action of which analgesic endorphins are formed - natural analogues of morphine. And in women, sex at all contributes to the production of estrogens, which suppress pain associated with premenstrual syndrome. So sex is the best painkiller. 3. You are dissatisfied with your weight, constantly diets, but it does not help you lose weight. The bed is the best sports equipment ever invented by humanity! In an excited person, the pulse rate increases from 70 to 150 beats per minute - this is like a weightlifter while lifting a barbell. One sexual act burns about as many calories as 15 minutes of running at a good pace on a treadmill - but how much better is the first one than the second! Well, an arithmetical example of << for sweet >>: in 30 minutes of sexual intercourse 200 calories are burned. That is, having sex once a day, you will lose a pound of weight in a week! And in a month? 4. You regularly catch all sorts of viruses. Strengthen immunity with sex! The blood of people who do IT on a regular basis contains 30 percent more antibodies than supporters of abstinence. Therefore, sexually active ladies and gentlemen are much less likely to catch the flu, cold and other infectious diseases. As for diseases that are picked up in another way, the answer is about the cheek: condom, condom and once again a condom. Not in the sense, of course, to put on three things at a time, but in the sense of not forgetting to buy! Fortunately, these super-necessary things are sold everywhere - even in the pharmacy, even at the cashier in any supermarket. 5. You are not satisfied with the size of your chest. Unbelievable, but true: regular sex has increased breasts! The fact is that during arousal, blood flow increases and the chest can “grow” by 25 percent! 6. Your memory often fails you, you are not well assimilated information. This is also hard to believe, but with each orgasm, women ... increase their IQ! American scientists, tirelessly exploring the sexual capabilities of the two-legs, found out: during orgasm, blood circulation in the body occurs at the maximum maximum speed and oxygen-enriched blood quickly reaches all organs, including the brain. And the control center of the hormonal system - the hypothalamus - also controls the work of the memory and training centers. So, students and students during the sessions should be engaged not only in cramming ... 7. You are tormented by insomnia. But how sweetly he falls asleep after an orgasm, yes? This is because the increase in sex hormone oxytocin has a strong sedative effect and is an excellent natural hypnotic. 8. You are not satisfied with the tone of the skin of the body. So what was the matter? During sex, almost all muscle groups are trained. And especially important for women as the muscles of the pelvis, thighs, buttocks, abdominals and arms. In addition, during sexual intercourse, the hormone testosterone is released into the bloodstream, which favorably affects the musculoskeletal system. Even regular sex improves posture. 20 minutes of sex are equal to a half-hour morning exercise. So, if you are basically thin, but you can’t get rid of the hated tummy, you now know what to do. 9. You are horrified to find all the new signs of aging on your face. With regular sex in the body increases the content of important collagen for women, which is known to make the skin smoother and silky. And progesterone produced by the body during sex removes pimples from the face. According to the same American studies, couples who constantly make love at least 3 times a week, after 30 years, ALWAYS look two to three years younger than their peers who practice abstinence. 10. You are constantly unhappy. Any leggy beauty, especially younger than you, causes you quiet irritation, and photos of models in magazines spoil your mood for the whole day ... Only passionate sex can cure this ailment. When the desired man tells you that you are the most beautiful woman on earth, and proves it with a deed, you will finally stop thinking about how many extra centimeters girdled your waist, or that the priest is no longer as resilient as in the old days. When a man wants you, it is much easier to accept and love yourself!