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Wedding with the ensign
In the best of times, the beginning of the 90s, I worked at a wedding toastmaster. Jokes have seen enough. Here is one of them. Summer. Saturday evening. At the wedding, to the local "cafe, guests begin to be selected. As always, I drove up in a car. In order to drink less, otherwise I would have been drunk and sunk long ago. I start preparatory activities. I get acquainted with my parents, discussing wedding management. In short, everything is ready. The time is 6:00 pm - there is no bride and groom. 18:30 No. 19:00 either.Parents start getting nervous. At the beginning of the eighth, I suggest the parents of the newlyweds go on their car to a possible stay for two lucky daddies. Dad gathered and went with me. At the groom's apartment, of course, no decided to return to the cafe again. We drove up - we saw the Volga with “rings” and the bride in tears. The groom's daddy already in the car said what he would do with his little boy if he went to the other, and it became clear that he would never have any grandchildren We get out of the car and after all the conversations I find out. The first thing is that the groom is an Ensign. The second thing is that after recording they went to the forest on the shore of our lake to leave a couple of EXPLOSIVES. Fortunately, he earned them a lot in part. And the third, that the ensign so one explosive package set on fire and threw it well, that it exploded in his hand. In short, the groom is covered in blood and is in the hospital. The state is so-so. Well, guests, of course, ah-oh. Parents in tears, the bride in snot. I so modestly remind you that anything can and should be paid for everything or we are having a wedding later. Or, or ... But the relatives decided. Once called to the wedding, it means to drink and eat has not been canceled. Well, in short, I was persuaded to stay and have a wedding. And I also wanted to eat something, or I already looked at the girls myself. I do not remember. Well, it is necessary, it is necessary so ... But later it dawned on me that what about a wedding without a groom. I ask: - Is there a brother of the unfortunate warrant officer of the Soviet Army at the table? There is such an eagle! I put my younger brother by the bride and told the guests: - This is so for decency, otherwise my whole program will go awry. And I say all this with complete silence, all so modest and serious. Well, like a wake, only everyone is dressed in white. Well, I went to give out my entire program, I need to earn some money. After the fourth pile, the guests obviously cheered up, and after the seventh, they already forgot about the woman. Who is he? Moreover, his younger brother has already got used to his bride, and he sticks, when everyone shouts: - It's bitter! Yes, and the bride, picking up with grief, do not mind. Well, I'm glad the wedding seems to be a success. I go out on the street to collect guests at parting and see a picture. Cops with flashing lights, as many as five funnels from different places fly to our cafe. With machine guns and mats rush in and offer a closer look at the floor. Well, I think everyone came. But no. It took about ten minutes. All raised, sat down at the table. Now, of course, with the cops, obviously satisfied. And everyone learns that the bride-prime in shock or with fear, stuttering, somehow did not describe the event of the injury of his hand. A nurse, a kind soul, called the valiant militia and said: - In the city, in a cafe such and such, at the wedding there is a firefight with might and main and even throw grenades. And the wounded groom is already in the ward and writes a testament. Cops, it's clear to us. What to tell you. Now all the guests decided to leave the groom without what prevents the bad dancers. And the bride, I don’t know, maybe now she’s happy ... with another.
Who's there?
I was 13 years old - the beginning of the 90s, the sunset of the summer trade union camps, one of which my parents (for the first time in my life) sent me. The single-storey wooden buildings of two rooms in which 10 people lived each are a kind of commune. All the girls in our ward - my peers - 13-14 years, but someone in this camp is not the first time. Many, probably, still remember that at night in these camps it was fashionable (in part even necessary) to call all kinds of spirits, gnomes, etc. In a couple of days after the start of the shift, we decided to do that. The spirit of the great genius A. Pushkin was chosen as the object of witchcraft. Preparations were carried out at the highest level - windows hung tightly with blankets, three beds moved close together, a nadibanny mirror, some candles, a saucer stuck into holes (by whom?) A small volume of poems of the classic and the most common fear of the participants in the sacraments. Shaken all - both beginners and veterans of this business. Although, I think they all poured about their experience in this matter. To achieve the result, it was necessary to chant the spell thirteen times: “Alexander Pushkin’s Spirit, come.” After the thirteenth time, he will make himself felt with some sound - a knock, a rustle, a creak ... And now everything is ready - it started ... "Alexander Pushkin’s Spirit, come, Alexander Pushkin’s Spirit ..." to death of girls - all is quieter, all is confused, all is more unstable ... At this time, from the neighboring camp (the fence stood directly to the fence), the wrestling guys from the sports shift went to our camp to visit adult girls (well, 15 years old -16. There were such). Not knowing exactly where they were placed, they walked and knocked on all the windows in a row. And here is an oil painting - the thirteenth time, almost with our lips, we utter witchcraft, awaiting in fear some kind of soundtrack for the appearance of Alexander Sergeevich’s spirit in our room. And after the words "come" we hear an insistent knock on the glass. As I remember now, the heart stopped ... The oldest one still had enough consciousness to creak: - Who is there? To which we heard the obvious answer: - Someone who? .. Pushkin!
2 bags of millet
The story began in the village of Nizhny Novgorod region. The guy (even Uncle Vanya) worked as a security guard at the poultry farm. And one night I stole 2 bags of millet. Now the investigation and this is what the village investigator writes: "... By polling the CSD, it was established that the suspect in a brazen manner carried 2 bags of millet from under the nose of mammals, because he had only two hands ..." (quote literal, case No 83,127 1997). The whole village laughed, but you can't throw the words out of the song. Then the case goes to the district court. Everyone keeps laughing. Like, nonsense, Vasya, laugh and let go ... All went back sad. From the note of the court: "... In view of the irrefutable evidence and the presence of witnesses clearly pointing to the thief of food (reference to these same mammals who were interviewed), then award ... 3 years in a penal colony ..." That's it. The prosecutor asked for 5 years! For two bags of millet and witnesses were chickens!
UNDERSTANDING A MEMBER.
Of the many means for cultivating penises, the safest and bloodless were chosen: Thai ointments and a vacuum pump. Notes of the phyllospacer. The course is for a month. I figured out how much my love tusk would increase - it turned out that I had to push my pants in the groin area. Care will increase. The inevitable change in gait will require a new shoe with a wider area of ​​the sole. Carefree, beautiful women passed by me without even looking in my direction. Unhappy. They did not even suspect that in a month they would have to defend long lines on the staircase in order to at least glance at my miracle. In the hallway, trembling with impatience, like a lad before the first intercourse, I opened a magic tube. It smelled of urea and grass. The main thing is now somehow not to brush your teeth with a hangover. Why do I need vampire fangs? Before use, I carefully studied the instructions. And then you rub something wrong, and your jasper rod disappears forever. Look for him then, fistula! And the healer has an excuse: which way is ter? Right? And you have to left! So he disappeared! Himself to blame! How to grow members Read: Manufacturer - Thailand. Ingredients: Butea Superba herb extract. (Or, as it is also called, Red Kuao Krua. Sates the male member with growth energy! So, grow or not - Thai grandmother said in two, but the growth energy will certainly be.) Strengthens erectile function. Provides hygienic care. Improves the appearance of the phallus. (This is exactly what you need! But in a decent society it is a shame to show it! Just some kind of Freddy Krueger!). Actually, the last point caused me some doubts. I wonder what criterion Thais in general determine the beauty of their members? Something I can not remember beauty contests among the phalluses. Not addictive. That's what I was most afraid of him! And then later you will have to buy an ointment for weaning ... The course cannot be applied in a state of complete erection. Ensure that the degree of erection does not exceed three-quarters of the maximum excitation. Dear Thais! Did you yourself understand what you were writing? You even gave some kind of erectometer to your preparation. How do I know: there are three quarters or two there? And then, Thais! I don’t know how it is with you, but here, in Russia, if you pull at your hands with a controversial oud (for any purpose), it will soon reach four after reaching three quarters. Some paragraphs of the instructions looked a lot like sumo tricks. Grip the member at the base with your hand. While holding a strong grip (obviously, so that the enemy does not escape!), Gently pull the member forward and down towards the head. Exercise up to 10 minutes. When approaching ejaculation - interrupt. (Smart! P-p-p-break here ...) Experienced suffering Thais offered me separate exercises to increase the length and width. (Notice, not the thickness, but the width!) If, say, you already have nowhere else, and no length at all, then lengthen it. And if he sticks out of the portholes, like a ribbon from irises, then only engage in expansion. I rubbed my jade rod in the morning and in the evening, often on business trips, in cheap hotels, airplanes and trains. Often, tired after a hard day's work, I fell asleep with a tube in my busy, wiry hands. Every time after the next rubbing, I made the necessary measurements. (On the box and on the tube there were divisions from 0 to 24 cm - I rubbed it and measured it immediately.) With the thoroughness of Academician Pavlov, I entered the research data into a special school notebook: the dimensions before and after classes, the temperature in the apartment and outside the window, atmospheric pressure, emotional state of the patient. Never before have I felt such a responsibility to society. It's hard to grow ... Every morning, cursing the Thais, without stopping the grueling workouts of shameful oud, I look at my watch with alarm. On the train would not be late! I do hastily, in a hurry. In the evening I make another measurement: the results are disappointing. In an unsuccessful attempt to change the member in length, I dramatically changed the direction of research and switched to an increase in width. Let it be just as wide as Mother Volga. Fingers slowly drive blood to the head of the penis - knocking in my brain. And I drove her, darling, shouted at her! Well go to the head! According to paragraph 2 of paragraph 4, squeezing the trunk at the base, waiting for the moment when the head takes the form of a bell or a cap of a mushroom, I resembled those moments like Laocoon in a sitting position. To be honest, I'm not a mushroom picker, and basically I only see mushrooms on the table. I could not wait until my household even remotely begins to resemble any mushroom or at the very least Tsar Bell. Apparently, because during the exercises I read Lao Tzu. And Lao says you need to score everything. Classes with a vacuum pump even more fabulous and richer. You insert your pepper in such a plastic sausage-shaped chamber and with a pear like an enema you pump air out of it. The poor oud dangles in a vacuum all alone, like a guilty member of an astronaut corps in a pressure chamber. You can still turn it on the centrifuge and you can send it into space! By the way, the instruction allows you to do exercises with pomp at any time and in any place and even on the go. And if you see a man on the street with a wandering grin on his face, with eyes tucked up in a sweet languor, energetic, well-honed movements of squeezing and unclenching rubber pear in his hand, you should know: he is engaged in pumping his friend. Once, in the sweet hours of high testosterone, sitting on the toilet seat, I, the great naturalist of modern times, habitually carried out a strong grip of the trunk at the base and suddenly felt someone's eyes on me. I look up. I see my friend’s eyes full of anxiety and horror. So, probably, only the biblical Onan felt unawares. I mumble something indistinctly about participation in the All-Russian competition for the largest and strongest economy. “You need not to strengthen your household, but to turn to a psychiatrist,” the girlfriend recommended reproachfully, keeping just in case closer to the door. Are the results there? On Saturday, I conducted free trials on a close friend. All night without restoring stormed her bastion. In the morning, as if in thought, he defiled several times in front of her face, shaking the jade rod, as if in search of the right sock. - Well! - I asked straight after the tenth pass. - What is it? she asked, yawning. “Noticing anything?” - Feet shaved, or what? Well, talk to them after this about the beautiful! Her absurd hypothesis was insulting to my whole being, including the patient himself, but the trouble is that her carelessness was justifiably offensive! My household, of course, increased during strong wrestling captures, delaying, clapping, stroking. (But only for the time of clapping and grabbing.) Guys know that if you root the root in the same way with just dry and clean hands, it will increase in the same way even without a cream-cream. And if there is a beautiful naked stranger near, it will increase even without a strong grip with rubbing. In addition, measurements of the penis are hampered by the fact that its size varies depending on many factors: temperature, satiety and quality of musical accompaniment (for some reason it pops up from pop). But here, then my fingers have become thicker and stronger - this is one hundred percent. Apparently, they were saturated with the energy of the growth of the plant Red Kuao Krua. At the sight of a pretty girl, they, besides my will, straighten up. And the fact that my ud was prettier, somehow all rejuvenated, leaned, the bags disappeared, so it is most likely from increased attention to him. Give us our money! Having completed the manual part of the experiment and having conducted the tests, I came to the conclusion that the method was useless. Angered by the treachery of the healers, I call the penis ointment dealers: “I’ve completed your course here, but something hasn’t increased the root!” - But you had to have some changes! - confidently speaks a girlish voice at the other end (this word will long respond to me with its vulgar meaning). - Regeneration of tissues, potency should increase! - What the hell is regeneration! What a potency! I increased the size! - I scream with thieves intonations. - Maybe you smoked during the course? - hopefully asked on that end. - Yo! Of course, smoked! - Did you have a drink? - Of course, I drank! - Well, you see! - happily stated the girl. - Here he is with you and not grown! In general, after our course, only 85 percent grows. - What? What are you saying! And what about us, the rest 15 percent? Where is it written that you can not smoke and drink? I will sue you for moral damages. I lost faith in humanity! Give me back my money! - Send your complaints along with an inventory of attachments. We will consider your question at the board meeting and, perhaps, we will refund you 80 percent of the amount ... Everything is clear. Then it turns out that I did the exercises with the lights on, but it was necessary in the dark (I lit up my shame!), That I rubbed in the wrong direction, etc. In general, there was another world scale trick! An ordinary transfer of money from my pocket to the pocket of a smart uncle.
A very positive story the other day told me by a colleague.
She has a friend who works in a pharmaceutical company. Since in one of the formations this friend is a designer, she draws up various stands at the exhibition herself. And since she is also a great specialist in the field of pharmacology, then, as a rule, she is present near the stands in order to explain to the wandering people what's what. A friend has a son of six or seven. Sometimes he has no one to leave at home, and he goes to exhibitions with his mother. So this time the son was with her. They sit, bored, there are practically no people, because the day off is outside the city. Then the driver calls her, says that he brought some booklets and that they need to pick them up at the checkpoint, because he does not have a permit. She leaves and strictly punishes her son to sit still, not to go anywhere, not to touch anything. The lady ran to the checkpoint. While I found the driver, while I received the booklets, I signed, while the boxes reached the entrance box, while I found the cart, so that all this stuff could be brought to the stand — it was a decent amount of time. And here she goes to the booth and sees that the people are dark there, and everyone laughs, and some even take pictures. Running Son - no! But in the middle of the stand there is an A4 sheet, on which a red marker says "I AM WHAT I WILL BE SOON"
According to her, she has never accepted so many congratulations with relief :)
The ups and downs of life
ROVD, 8 am A girl comes, stuck to the glass (with which the person on duty is fenced off from the world), and she already smiles and smiles. The attendant is first zero attention. The girl is standing and smiling. Well, sort of - what happened? - And I was raped. - So what? The girl thought, said: - Well, and a fool! - turns around and leaves. The duty person is thoughtful about the vicissitudes of life.
Order tickets by phone
In the early 80s, my relative, say, DI, and his wife took the children for the winter holidays to Moscow, since their Moscow friends left for some reason and left the apartment to the guests. On the second day, DI decided to order tickets home. He got on the phone, got through the fourth or fifth time and heard a taped voice: `` You called the railway ticket booking office. In order to improve service, our bureau switched to automated acceptance of orders from the public. Please answer each question briefly and accurately after the word `` answer '' ''. After that, a hail of questions rained down: last name, first name, telephone, district, street, from where, where, train number, car type ... DI stumbled on the sixth, and the film had already ruthlessly gone ahead. DI dropped the phone. Phoned again. Got off on the eighth question, but now he did not drop the phone, but listened to the end. There were about forty questions altogether, which left no chance for success. DI became insulting. First, he felt himself a provincial, unable to do a simple thing, with which the capital's inhabitants somehow cope. Secondly, he really did not want to kill a day at the box office. If it was not DI, the cash would have ended the case. But DI perceives such difficulties as a challenge. DI pulls a heavy master tape recorder to the phone. Call in and record questions on tape, without even trying to answer. Takes paper and pencil. By manipulating the keys of the tape recorder, it transfers questions to the paper. Replies in writing. Calling again and reading out all the answers briefly and accurately. Runs to his wife to boast ... After five minutes, the phone rings. DI picks up the phone. Nice female voice says: - Good afternoon. They call you from the railway ticket booking office. Congratulations. We are testing a new automated system for the fourth day, and you are the first to manage to book tickets. And now, please explain how you were able to do this?
The disk does not go
I remember the oil painting, noticed at the beginning of the distant 90s on the "humpback". Around his counter with compacts, his uncle grew up a good size, flooding the area around with a thick bass, and behind the counter he jumped up a shabby shopkeeper, spitting out shrill words mixed with saliva. Between them the following dialogue took place. - You sold me the disc, it does not go to my house. - And this does not concern me, maybe you have a computer like that. Or you scratched the disc. - It is not good. The disk is whole, not scratched. Here he is. Let's get the money back. The seller, feeling that over 30 rubles, which he already considered to be his, was a terrible threat, screamed so that it could have seemed to a stranger as if the poor fellow had pinched not his word, but something else that was very consonant with that word. - NO DAYS BENEFIT !!! He probably thought that this beloved battle cry of all the shopkeepers would destroy the giant, and that one, like the mythical Goliath, would collapse as if it had been left, leaving the battlefield behind little dark-haired David. The man took out the red-skinned identity card, and after showing it to the hawker, he started cramming something for him. The flow of people dragged me away from the battlefield and the contents of the conversation could be guessed only by individual phrases that reached me ... "not according to the law, I must return the money ... but I don’t care about the law ... you really can’t ... you can ... I work in the police, I know the laws ... and I’m into this ... ". Finally, the big guy was tired of acting within the limits stipulated by the current legislation. He measured the spooky look, and obviously thinking that having crushed him on the spot, he would pollute the environment, just grabbed a stack of disks from the tray as trophies and walked away. The seller jumped out of the table and caught up with the big guy began to shout something about lawlessness and violation of the law. To which the peasant responded with the killer phrase “Have you ever killed”?! .. That was enough for the torgash’s sound to be instantly turned off, he silently pulled out three dozen, gave them to the client, who also silently gave him the disks, and the high contracting ones the parties parted to mutual pleasure.

What could Yanukovych and Yushchenko say after the second second round of elections Women's novel Go away, cried Yushchenko, leave me! Oh, tell someone that all this is a low, nasty lie! The historical novel On the Maidan already taken out a cage with the vanquished. “But this is life, brother”, Yushchenko said thoughtfully, looking at the flaming embers of the fire ... Soviet military prose Low gray clouds clung to the dark forest tops. << Let's go, without addressing anyone, said Yushchenko, only one battle has been won, but the war continues >> Soviet children's prose << End, Vitka! Yanukovych cheerfully exclaimed, because we are now friends! >> Existential novel Oranges lay on the square. Millions, billions of oranges. You know Victor - in my opinion, they began to rot. Russian classics They died Vitya. They all died. Detective << I think now we will all know the truth, Yushchenko muttered, we all recognize her >> Adventure novel << Well, now we will change places, Yanukovych cleverly winked, I will write off my own to be met as befits >> Children's stories about animals << So we caught you, stupid Pluto, smiling tenderly, said Yushchenko, because daddy told you that you shouldn’t have to run out of the cell >> Russian folk tale << And here she is, kids, >> Yushchenko smiled widely, pulling out democracy out of the bag. Horror << It is approaching, licked dry lips, Yanukovych whispered, I will show, this is Orange >>.
Torture by cats
The beginning of the 60s, Chita honey. The attitude of the people to the foreign, you understand, knowledge is appropriate. I need a test, otherwise they will not be allowed to take exams. The teacher is quite colorful - a healthy man, always slightly unshaven and with residual effects. For offsetting you need to prepare some amount of text, measured in thousands of characters. The joke is that the text can be any, not necessarily medical. In general, almost all students prepared about the same thing, taking the text from a children's book for schoolchildren learning English for the first year. And now - offset. Monday is a hard day for everyone, but imagine what the teacher had to do? After the first three people, he ran out of the audience, shouting: “Your mother !!!” Kitty meow-meow, dogg woof-woof !!! All on x # y !!! In short, torture by cats lasted for several days, but the test passed everything.
Two brothers
It has long been. In the country. I have a daughter and son. At that time my daughter was almost four, my son is two and a half. And my sister has a son older than me for a month and a day. Brothers are fair-haired and a bit similar (relatives after all), and when they are running around, they are twins. Our little fry was pretty, and the daughter is also outwardly sociable, so I regularly had to look for her in the areas, pull her out of the guests, take them away from the touching grannies and, practically on the machine, tell me my name, how many years, etc. and so on. And somehow they went with their sister and three children to a field in the field for a walk. Small fry ahead of jumping, and we behind, control. Towards the aunt with wallets. The daughter, as usual, caught her tongue, and she was glad to have a breather - put the bags, broke into a smile, - Xiu-shu, mu-mu, oh, what a girl, oh, what a sweetheart! Are these your brothers? Are these your parents? Here we come, parents. An aunt, ready to admire her parents-heroes, asks: - Is it all yours ?! We, hoping to get rid of a little blood, say - Yes, all of ours (I don’t want to explain again that we are brother and sister, that these are mine, and this one is hers.) But it’s not so easy to leave. “How old are they?” Okay, get your aunt what you asked for. - A girl is four, this is two and a half, and that one is a month older. Her eyes glaze, she tries to figure out how these two brothers are, but the month is different. The aunt is wedging, she freezes with her mouth open, and we, taking advantage of the pause, move on. Meters through a hundred I, turning, see her still confused looking at us after.
May I marry Pasha ?!
A case from the life of my 5-year-old daughter. I come to her garden, a question is asked to my head: - Mom, can I marry Pasha ?! I begin to mumble something, convulsively recalling the advice of psychologists on this matter, and having decided to throw it from a sick head to a healthy one, I say that I don’t know, I have to consult with my dad. In the evening, when my tired husband crawled from work, an expensive child with shining eyes asks the same question. Husband falls into a stupor. He is not yet ready for this turn of events. Too early! Finally, he decides to ask me: - And who is Pasha? I begin to describe to him: “Nuuu is such a cheeky, fat boy ... My husband is relieved:“ No, I can't do it for Pasha, he's so fat, we won't feed him. ” The child calms down, goes to bed. In the morning, only having entered the kindergarten group, loudly announces his decision: - I will not marry Pasha! We'll have to go for Dima !!! Dima, a small, frozen creature, head down to my daughter. Coming out of kindergarten I cry. Dima, we probably feed ....
Boarding the car
A few years ago I decided to learn to drive a car. I decided to come up thoroughly and asked my friends to get me some textbook on this case. The textbook found - Voenizdat, the author - Colonel XXX. I quote from memory: - Chapter 1. "Landing in the car" 1.1. Open the car door. 1.2. Transfer the center of gravity to the left foot. 1.3. Holding the left door or the roof of the car with your left hand, move the body inside ... 1.4 ... !! Remove the left foot from the asphalt. (!!!) 1.5. Close the door ...
Foreigners are able to relax
Fate made me leave my native scientific research institute for 3 months and abandoned me to the sunny south of Italy. After a week of hard work, filled with fresh impressions, I realized that I would just go crazy if I didn’t try to find a way to relax. It turned out that my desire was shared by several of my new colleagues. So, the motley company in which there was a Brazilian, a Greek woman, a young student of Cambridge, who came to Italy for the holidays, and a dozen Italians of different sexes, we went to a wonderful restaurant on the shores of the Ionian Sea. The Brazilian was carrying something about football, I improved my English with a representative of Albion. All this, plus a light Italian wine set me up in a benign mood, and I asked the waiter to bring some vodka. Soon a glass appeared in front of me on the table ... filled, to my amazement, with ice. However, the Italians liked the idea. It probably seemed exotic to them to drink vodka with a Russian. We went to the apartment of one of the Italians. On the way to the super liter bottle was purchased. Wisely judging that how much vodka you don’t take is still running around anyway, I picked up a couple of bottles in addition. Italians had fun like children trying to pronounce in Russian: `` For our happy childhood under the wise leadership of the Communist Party of the Soviet Union ''. However, with a snack was strained, and all pretty quickly drunk. At some point, I realized that my English teacher showed no signs of life, and being a gentleman, I decided to put her to sleep. Exceptionally for this purpose, I dragged her insensible body into the bedroom and threw it on ... a water mattress, in which the excitement immediately began. Afraid that the rolling motion would cause an attack of `sea-sickness' in my ward, I tried to dampen the oscillations, but did not take into account that the coordination of movements was already very badly disturbed by me, and fell right on her. At this moment the girl woke up. I do not know what she imagined, but immediately began to make loud moans, in general, as if she experienced an enormous force of orgasm. Then she clearly uttered `` Thank wow '' and rolled over onto a flank. Stunned by what he saw, and fearing to appear impolite, I wondered if she needed anything else. What the girl muttered when she fell asleep: `` Just a littlе kiss '' (Just a kiss). And you say foreigners do not know how to rest.
We are not sponsors
We were 25 years old. We sat with a friend once in one little bar, after work, drank beer, did not touch anyone, generally relaxed culturally after work. :) Here we see girls coming to us, not the first freshness, not the second, or something like that, well, who was in the bars, knows lovers of freebies. Well, they ask us the type of question, such as meet: - Men, will you not give a cigarette, a glass of wine? Of course, I was stunned, but my friend Genk was not taken aback: - Girls, how can you not understand, we are not sponsors, we are alcoholics. We never saw them again ...
Neostavschina
The winter of 1997, served 6 months, it is time to cut the tops of the boots, exactly the width of the matchbox. Crop. "Grandfather" runs by and throws on the move: - Do not be afraid, student, cut into two boxes, you should be! Do not care, I cut into two, hem, sew hlyastiki with buckles - beauty! Three days later, calls our prapor - platoon commander: - Oh, blah! Write an explanatory! Just in our detachment, the struggle with non-embarking began. Posted I quote almost verbatim: “I entered into a dress in the kitchen on 12/05/1997. In the process of cleaning the back room, I had the imprudence to catch the left boot of the left boot on the protruding edge of the cutting table, which led to the longitudinal break of the above boot. and discrediting the honor of a soldier, I decided to cut off part of the tops along with the gap. Cutting off, I saw that the boots were different from each other in height, began to achieve the necessary symmetry, and cut off part of the tops of the right glanders ha, but at the same time the hand, which was tired in the dress, faltered, and the cut turned out to be deeper than necessary.To bring the height of the boots to the same level, I had to cut off part of the tops from the left boot. After achieving the necessary appearance, I cleaned the boots and went to bed “Prapor, choking laughing, I read this explanatory before the whole system. But the boots gave me others, but sorry.
Sorry for the typewriter
In the morning I loaded my 7-year-old son into the car and drove on business. The gasoline level arrow was at zero in the morning and the child on the road repeatedly reminded me of the need to refuel, but it was not enough. When, after an hour of trips to different places along my, sons and our common affairs, we returned home, the child, looking at the arrow and the burning light bulb on the limiter, issued the following phrase: - I feel sorry for our car! She, probably, already licked all the walls in the gas tank ...
Anatomical Illiteracy
An example of anatomical illiteracy, found on the draft medical examination. The lad from the village in the costume of Adam appears before the eyes of the doctor. The doctor, already rather tired of the number of watches seen during the day, impartially addresses him with the standard one: “Bend over, push the buttocks apart ...” and suddenly grows dumb with surprise. But there is something to be surprised at: the recruit, clutching at his own scrotum with both hands, tries to push the EGGS apart.
31 cartridge
We had a case in the city about 10 years ago. In a clothing store owned by a disabled person in a huge black man fell. He insisted on a disabled person in a wheelchair and demanded money. Disabled pulled out from under the stroller TEC-9. This is such a pistol in the shape resembling Schmeiser in a variant for a dwarf. So, from this dwarf Schmeisser the invalid put a 31 cartridge into the Negro (30 in the store + 1 in the trunk). Then there were clashes and at the trial the mother of the deceased pressed that if she had not made Swiss cheese from her son he would have changed his mind and reformed. Judging asked the disabled person why he shot 31 times. To which the disabled person answered honestly, Your Honor, I only had 31 rounds. Judging the reason considered valid and justified the disabled person.
Alcoholic cat
My cat got sick. I'm cold. He lies down, folded his legs, rolled his eyes, spreads his tail - "I'm sorry if something was wrong." Daughter in mourning hangs on the phone ringing up one and all in search of the cat's salvation. Finally bring some pills. Size 5 cop. Began to shove pills into his mouth - dulu. The cat, although it was dying, twirled its muzzle, spat and shouted like a locomotive siren. The husband offered to shove this medicine to the cat on the other hand, and the kind grandmother - soak the pill in valerian. Ran after the bubble, made all the manipulations and brought it to the cat. Cat - perks up. Jumped up. And "sharpened" the pill for a sweet soul. Because he was “sick” in the morning and in the morning he did not eat anything, he was carried right away. The cat, forgetting that he was sick, began to smile sweetly to everyone, walking around the apartment and humming vulgar songs to himself. Everyone calmed down. In vain. An hour later, there was a hangover. My cat, immediately connecting the cause and effect, lies down on the flank, folds the legs and rolls his eyes and begins to "die." Compassionate granny pours him a second :. By the end of the day, the drunken cat came to smoke in a completely bestial state - it was yelling without ceasing obscene songs and howled so that the neighbors had blood in their veins. Ended up by declaring himself a mustang, the cat began to gallop around the apartment, "slammed" into the door jamb with a balda, grinned idiotically and passed out. In the morning, the cat that had not fully sobered up, decided to turn the <valve> with the paws again. Now on the balcony. Habit sprawled. And we his OP - forgot and closed for three days, having left for the dacha. Three days later, when we opened the balcony, we found a cat meekly sitting next to a dried and almost eaten carrot, completely sober and very unhappy. And we hide valerian.
Explanatory letter
Director General of LLC "XXXXX" from the employee of the technical department B. Explanatory note. On the fact that an intern at the sales area N. receptionist received today at a technical department, I can explain the following. At six o'clock in the evening, when the working day was already over, I made repairs at my workplace with a client PC that we have under warranty, using two soldering irons of various capacities. At this time, employee N. approached me, moving idly around the office due to the absence of clients at that hour. Officer N. stood behind me for some time, following my work, after which he asked me to "let the soldering iron look." Being at this moment extremely focused on the work being done, without thinking about the essence of N.'s request, I handed him a more powerful soldering iron that was not used right now. Officer N., who had just seen me doing this work with the soldering iron and that he was still connected to the network, nevertheless took him directly at the working end ("sting"), having a temperature of over two hundred degrees Celsius, with his right hand. The next moment, an employee, N., with a swearing scream, threw a soldering iron, hitting them in a plastic container with a flux and recoiled to the window sill. Hitting a window sill, N. dropped a decommissioned accumulator for an uninterruptible power supply Vask-UPS weighing two kilograms on his leg waiting for recycling, injuring his toes. Continuing to curse loudly, N. dashed, without looking, with his back and hit his head on the metal wall of the rack for the equipment under repair, bending it (wall), then subsided for a few seconds. I and O., who was present during the incident, had time to worry about the state of health and about the very life of our fellow worker, but after a few seconds, it became clear that N. was alive, which he informed us about by loud obscenities. N. also offered the first aid offered to him in the abusive form and left the scene of the incident. I can’t say anything about his further actions, since, having recovered from the nervous shock caused by the incident, I began to take into account the losses suffered. The damage turned out to be as follows: 1. The power cord was cut off at the soldering iron (repaired with its own means). 2. A container with a flux has been melted, as a result of which the flux has spilled, it is required to allocate 50 (fifty) rubles for the purchase of a flux. 3. Destroyed decommissioned battery (threw). 4. Bent metal storage rack equipment (straightened using pliers). In the incident I consider guilty directly to N., who was not familiar with the operating instructions of the soldering iron tool, before taking it in his hands. I have no complaints against him myself, since I understand that they were insulted by him in the heat of passion, I think that bringing an apology to me in the presence of the employees of XXXXX LLC will be enough to consider the conflict that has arisen to be resolved. Date, signature.
Horoscope for Friday from the country's leading astrologer.
CAPRICORN Male: Today is an auspicious day for unplanned expenses. Put a Sagittarius beer. Woman: Good day for a romantic acquaintance with Sagittarius. AQUARIUS Man: Today is an auspicious day for unplanned spending. Put a Sagittarius beer. Woman: Good day for a romantic acquaintance with Sagittarius. FISHES Man: Today is an auspicious day for unplanned spending. Put a Sagittarius beer. Woman: Good day for a romantic acquaintance with Sagittarius. ARIES Man: Today is an auspicious day for unplanned expenses. Put a Sagittarius beer. Woman: Good day for a romantic acquaintance with Sagittarius. Taurus Man: Today is an auspicious day for unplanned spending. Put a Sagittarius beer. Woman: Good day for a romantic acquaintance with Sagittarius. TWINS Man: Today is an auspicious day for unplanned spending. Put a Sagittarius beer. Woman: Sit at home and wait for your husband from work. He can come tired. CANCER Man: Today is an auspicious day for unplanned spending. Put a Sagittarius beer. Woman: Good day for a romantic acquaintance with Sagittarius. Lev Man: Today is an auspicious day for unplanned spending. Поставьте пиво Стрельцу. Женщина: Хороший день для романтического знакомства со Стрельцом. ДЕВА Мужчина: Сегодня благоприятный день для незапланированных трат. Поставьте пиво Стрельцу. Женщина: Хороший день для романтического знакомства со Стрельцом. ВЕСЫ Мужчина: Сегодня благоприятный день для незапланированных трат. Поставьте пиво Стрельцу. Женщина: Хороший день для романтического знакомства со Стрельцом. СКОРПИОН Мужчина: Сегодня благоприятный день для незапланированных трат. Поставьте пиво Стрельцу. Женщина: Хороший день для романтического знакомства со Стрельцом. СТРЕЛЕЦ Мужчина: Раслабьтесь, отдохните. Махните рукой на работу. Очень удачный день для развлечений. Женщина: Хороший день для романтического знакомства со Стрельцом. Вопрос на засыпку - Под каким знаком Зодиака родился астролог? А его жена?