My Blog: jokes funny jokes
Wedding with ensign
In better times, early 90's, I worked as a toastmaster at weddings. Prikolov seen all sorts of things. Here's one of them. Summer. Saturday evening. At the wedding, to the local "cafe, the guests begin to pick up." As usual, I drove by car, in order to drink less, otherwise I would have long since drunk off and got into the habit of starting the preparatory activities. Time 18.00 - there is no bridegroom with the bride 18.30 no, 19.00, too, parents begin to slowly become nervous.In the beginning of the eighth I suggest the parents of the newlyweds to go in their car to the possible stay of two lucky ones.The popes gathered and went with me.In the groom's apartment, no We decided to go back to the cafe and drive up to see the Volga with the "rings" and the bride in tears. "The groom's dad was already in the car and said that he would do to his son if he ran away to another, and it became clear to us that he would never have grandsons We get out of the car and after all the conversations I'll find out .The first thing is that the groom is the PRAGER .The second thing is that after the recording they went to the forest to the shore of our lake a couple of EXPLOSIONS to leave. And the third thing is that the Prakor set fire to one blast and flung it well, that he exploded in his hand. In short, the bridegroom is covered in blood and lies in the hospital. The state is so-so. Well, guests, of course, ahhi-ohi. Parents in tears, bride in the snot. I so modestly remind that anything can happen and we should pay for everything, or we'll hold a wedding later. Or, or ... But the relatives decided. Once invited to the wedding, then drink and there is no one canceled. Well, in short, I was persuaded to stay and hold a wedding. And I kind of wanted to eat too, or the girls already looked after themselves. I do not remember. Well, it is necessary, so it is necessary ... But before I later realized that it was like a wedding without a groom. I ask: - Is there a brother of the unfortunate ensign of the Soviet Army at the table? There is such an eagle! I put my younger brother at the bride's and tell the guests: "It's so for decency, and then I'll have the whole program in the bummer." And I say all this in complete silence, all so modest and serious. Well, like a wake, only everyone is dressed in white. Well, I went to give out my entire program, I had to earn some money. After the fourth pile of guests clearly cheered up, and after the seventh already and about the young woman forgot. But who is he! Especially since his younger brother already used to go to the bride, and pestered, when everyone shouted: "It's bitter!" Yes, and the bride, podnabravshis with grief, do not mind. Well, I'm glad the wedding was a success. I go out on the street to gather the guests for goodbye and see the picture. Cops with flashing lights, already on five funnels from different places on our cafe fly up. With rifles and mats break in and offer a closer look at the floor. Well, I think everyone has arrived. But no. Ten minutes passed. They raised everyone, sat him down at the table. Now, of course, with the cops, obviously happy. And we all learn that the groom-praporkok is shocked or, stammering, somehow not so described the event about the wounding of his hand. A nurse, a kind soul, called the gallant police and said: - In the city, in a cafe of this and that, at the wedding, there is a gun battle and even throwing grenades. And the wounded groom is already in the ward and is writing a will. Cops, it's clear, to us. What can I tell you? Now all the guests decided to leave the groom without bad dancers interfering. And the bride, I do not know, maybe happy now ... with another.
I was about 13 - early 90's, the sunset of the heyday of summer labor camps, in one of which my parents (the first time in my life) were sent. One-storey wooden buildings of two rooms, in which lived for 10 people - a kind of commune. All the girls in our ward - my contemporaries - 13-14 years, but someone in this camp is not the first time. Many, probably, still remember that at night in these camps it was fashionable (in some cases even necessary) to call all sorts of spirits, dwarfs, etc. A couple of days after the start of the shift, we decided to do it. The object of witchcraft was chosen spirit of the great genius AS Pushkin. Preparations were held at the highest level - the windows covered with blankets, the three beds tucked together, the nadibannoe mirror, candles some, a saucer, wiped to the holes (interesting by whom?) Volume of classic poems and the present fear of participants in the sacrament. Everyone was shaking - both beginners and veterans of this case. Although, I think, they all poured about their experience in this matter. To achieve this result, it was necessary to say thirteen times in a chorus: "The spirit of Alexander Sergeevich Pushkin, come." After the thirteenth time he will make himself felt by some sound - knocking, rustling, creaking ... And everything is ready - it started ... "The spirit of Alexander Sergeevich Pushkin, come, the spirit of Alexander Sergeevich Pushkin ..." The unstable chorus of the ten frightened before the death of the girls - everything is quieter, more inconsistent, all less ... At this time, from the next camp (standing directly fence to the fence) the guys-wrestlers from the sports shift went to our camp to visit the grown-up girls (well, 15 years old -16. There were such). Not knowing exactly where they were settled, they walked and knocked on all the windows in a row. And here is the oil painting - the thirteenth time, already almost with lips we pronounce witchcraft, in fear awaiting some sound accompaniment of the appearance of Alexander Sergeevich's spirit in our room. And after the words "come" we hear an insistent knock on the glass. As I remember right now, my heart stopped ... The very eldest still had enough consciousness to squeak: - Who is there? To which we heard an obvious answer: "Who is who? .. Pushkin!"
2 bags of millet
The story began in the village of Nizhny Novgorod region. A man (let him be Uncle Vanya) worked as a security guard at a poultry farm. And one night he stole 2 sacks of millet. Now the investigation and this is what the village investigator writes: "... By asking the QUR it was established that the suspect brazenly took two sacks of millet from under the noses of mammals, because he had only two hands ..." (quoted word for word, No 83127 1997). The whole village laughed, but you can not erase words from the song. Then the case goes to the district court. Everyone keeps laughing. Type, nonsense, Vasya, laugh and let go ... Back were all the sad. From the note of the court: "... In view of irrefutable evidence and the presence of witnesses unequivocally pointing to the kidnapper of food (reference to these very mammals who were questioned), then to award ... 3 years in a colony of general regime ..." That's right. The prosecutor asked for 5 years! Two bags of millet and witnesses were chickens!
MANUAL FOR BUILDING A MEMBER.
Of the many means to nurture penises, they chose the safest and bloodless ones: Thai ointments and a vacuum pump. Notes of a dallower The course is designed for a month. I figured out how much my love tusk would increase - it turned out that the pants in the groin area would have to be put up. Care will be added. The inevitable change in gait will require new shoes with a wider footprint. Careless, beautiful women passed by me, even without looking in my direction. Unhappy. They did not even suspect that in a month they would have to defend long lines in the staircase, so as to look at my miracle with at least one eye. In the hallway, trembling with impatience, like a young man before the first coitus, I opened a magic tube. Smelled of urea and grass. The main thing, now somehow with a hangover, do not brush your teeth. Why do I need vampire fangs? Before use, I carefully studied the instructions. And then vottresh h something is wrong, and your jasper rod will disappear forever. Search for it then, fistulas! And the healer has an excuse: in what direction is ter? To the right? And it is necessary to the left! So he disappeared! Himself to blame! How to grow up members Read: Manufacturer - Thailand. Ingredients: Butea Superba herb extract. (Or, as it is also called, Red Cuao Krua.) Satisfies the male member with the energy of growth! So, the Thai grandmother will say in two if it will grow up or not, but the energy of growth will certainly be.) Strengthens the erectile function. Provides hygienic care. Improves the appearance of the phallus. (This is exactly what you need! And then in a decent society to show shame! Straight Freddy Krueger some!). Actually, the last point caused me some doubts. Interestingly, by what criterion do Thais generally determine the beauty of their members? Something I do not remember beauty contests among the phalluses. Not addictive. That's what I was most afraid of! And then another ointment for weaning should be bought ... The course can not be used in a state of full erection. Make sure that the degree of erection does not exceed three-quarters of the maximum excitement. Dear Thais! Have you realized what you are writing yourself? You even gave an erectometer to your drug. How should I know: there are three quarters or two? And then, Thais! I do not know how you are there, but here, in Russia, if you use the hands of a sham ud (for any purpose), he will soon reach four after reaching three. Some paragraphs of the instructions strongly resemble the description of sumo receptions. Grasp the penis at the base of the hand. Keeping a strong grip (obviously, so that the enemy does not break!), Gently pull the member forward and down towards the head. Take up to 10 minutes. When approaching ejaculation - interrupt. (Clever! P-p-p-p-p-rveveshsya here ...) Experienced suffering The Thais offered me separately exercises to increase the length and width. (Note, not the thickness, but the width!) If, say, you already have alreadyhere wider, and there is no length at all, then extend it. And if he sticks out of the portals, like a ribbon from the followers, then deal only with expansion. I rubbed my jade rod in the morning and evening, often on business trips, in cheap hotels, planes and trains. Often tired after a hard day's work, I fell asleep with a tube in my worn, wiry hands. Every time after another rubbing, I made the necessary measurements. (On a box and on a tube divisions from 0 to 24 cm were marked - nater and immediately measured.) With the scrupulousness of Academician Pavlov, I entered research data into a special school notebook: the sizes before and after classes, the temperature in the apartment and outside the window, the atmospheric pressure, emotional state of the patient. Never before have I felt such responsibility to the public. Hard in raschtii ... Every morning, cursing the Thais, without stopping the grueling training of a sham boa, I watch with alarm the clock. On the train would not be late! I'm making haste, in a hurry. In the evening I make another measurement: the results are disappointing. In unsuccessful attempts to change the term length, I dramatically changed the direction of research and switched to an increase in width. Let it be just as wide as the Volga-Mother. Fingers slowly drive blood to the head of the penis, - knocking in my brain. And I drove her, my dear, shouted at her! Well, I went to the head! According to paragraph 2 of paragraph 4, while squeezing the trunk at the base, waiting for the moment when the head will take the form of a bell or mushroom cap, I was like this time at Laocoon in sitting position. Honestly, I'm not a mushroom picker, and mostly see mushrooms on the table. I still could not wait for my farm to remotely remotely resemble any mushroom or at worst the Tsar Bell. Apparently, because during the exercises I read Lao Tzu. And Lao says that everything should be scored. Classes with a vacuum pump are even more fair and rich. You insert your perch in a plastic sausage chamber and pear-type enema pumping out of it air. The poor ud dangles in a vacuum all alone, like the guilty member of a detachment of astronauts in the pressure chamber. It is still rotated on a centrifuge and can be sent to space! By the way, the instruction allows you to do exercises with pomp at any time and in any place and even on the go. And if you see a man on the street with a wandering grin on his face, with eyes wrapped in a sweet twist, energetic, worked out movements squeezing and unclenching a rubber pear in his hand, you know: he is engaged in a pompous increase in his boyfriend. Once, in the sweet hours of high testosterone, sitting on a toilet seat, I, the great natural scientist of our time, habitually carried out a strong grip of the trunk at the base and suddenly felt someone's eyes on me. I raise my eyes. I can see the full anxiety and horror of my friend's eyes. So, probably, only the biblical Onan was caught unaware. I mumbled something vaguely about participating in the All-Russian competition for the largest and strongest economy. "You should not strengthen your own economy, but turn to a psychiatrist," the girlfriend recommended with reproach, keeping close to the door just in case. Are the results evident? On Saturday, I conducted free trials on one close friend. All night long without a break, stormed her bastion. In the morning, as though in thoughtfulness, I defended several times in front of her face, shaking the jade rod, as if in a search for the right toe. - Well! I asked straight after the tenth pass. "Well, what?" she asked, yawning. "Do not you notice anything?" "Shaved your legs, or what?" Well, then talk to them after that about the beautiful! Her absurd hypothesis was offensive to my whole being, including the patient himself, but the trouble is that her inattention was to the point of offending justified! Of course, my economy increased during strong wrestling seizures, delays, pats, strokes. (But only for the time of pats and seizures.) The peasants know that if you rub the root in the same way with just dry and clean hands, it will just as well increase without the vegetable cream. And if next to a beautiful naked stranger, will increase and without a strong grip with rubbing. In addition, penis measurements are complicated by the fact that its dimensions vary depending on a number of factors: temperature, satiety and quality of musical accompaniment (from pop music, for some reason, it kukozhitsya). But here, then, my fingers became thicker and stronger - it's one hundred percent. Apparently, the energy of growth of the plant Red Cuao Krua was saturated. At the sight of a pretty girl, they, in addition to my will, straighten up. And the fact that my brow got better, somehow all looked young, danced, the bags disappeared, so this is most likely due to the increased attention to him. Give back our money! After completing the manual part of the experiment and testing, I came to the conclusion that this method is useless. Outraged by the cunning of healers, I call the merchants of penis ointment: - I've just passed your course, but something has not increased the root! - But you had to make some changes! - confidently says a girl's voice on the other end (this word will long be spoken in me by its vulgar meaning). - Regeneration of tissues, potency should increase! - What a fucking regeneration! What a potency! I sizes increased! I shouted with blatant intonations. - Maybe you smoked during the course? - hopefully ask at that end. - E! Of course, he smoked! - Have you been drinking? "Of course I did!" - Well, you see! - joyfully stated the girl. "He did not grow up among you!" In general, after our course, only 85 percent grow. - What? What are you talking about! And what about us, the remaining 15 percent? Where it is written that you can not smoke and drink? I will sue you for compensation for moral damage. I lost faith in humanity! Give me back my money! - Send your complaints along with the list of attachments. We will consider your question at a board meeting and, perhaps, we will refund 80 percent of the amount ... Everything is clear. Then it turns out that I was doing exercises with the light turned on, but it was necessary in the dark (I shone my shit!), That I was rubbing in the wrong direction, etc. In general, another world-scale tale! The ordinary transfer of money from my pocket to the pocket of a smart uncle.
A very positive story was recently told to me by a colleague.
She has a friend working in a pharmaceutical company. As for one of the formations this girlfriend is a designer, she makes out various stands for exhibitions herself. And since she is also a big specialist in the field of pharmacology - that, as a rule, near the stands she is present, in order to explain to the wandering people what's what. A friend has a son of six or seven. Sometimes he has no one to leave home with, and he goes to exhibitions with his mother. Here and this time he was with her. They sit, bored, there are practically no people, because it's a day off, all outside the city. Then the driver calls to her, says that he brought some booklets and that they should be picked up at the checkpoint, because he does not have a pass. She leaves and strictly orders the son to sit on the spot, do not go anywhere, do not touch anything. The lady ran to the entrance. While the driver found, while the booklets received-signed, while the boxes to the checkpoint dovolokla, until she found the cart, so that all this good to take to the stand - it was decent time. And so she goes to the stand and sees that the people there are dark, and all laugh, and some even take pictures. Running. Son - no! But in the middle of the stand hangs a sheet of A4, on which the red marker says "I'm like, I will be soon"
According to her, she has never received so many congratulations with relief
Peripetias of life
ROVD, 8 am. A girl comes, sticks to the glass (which the guard on duty is fenced off from this world), already nose in a cake from the glass and smiles. The attendant is initially zero attention. The girl is standing and smiling. Well, sort of - what happened? - And I was raped. - So what? The girl thought, said: - Well, and a fool! - unfolds and leaves. The duty man is in thoughtfulness about the vicissitudes of life.
Booking tickets by phone
In the early 80's, my relative, say DI, and his wife drove the children to winter vacations in Moscow, the benefit of their Moscow friends themselves somewhere left and left the apartment for guests. On the second day DI decided to order tickets home. He sat on the phone, from the fourth or fifth time he phoned and heard a taped voice: `` You called the railway tickets booking office. In order to improve the service our bureau has switched to automated reception of orders from the public. Please, briefly and accurately answer each question after the word `` answer '' ''. After that, a hail of questions sprang up: the name, the name, the phone, the district, the street, from where, where, the train number, the type of the car ... DI stopped at the sixth, and the film already mercilessly went ahead. DI dropped the receiver. I phoned again. I lost the eighth question, but now I did not give up the phone, but listened to the end. All questions were about forty, which left no chance of success. DI became offended. First, he felt like a provincial, unable to do a simple thing, with which the metropolitan residents somehow manage. Secondly, he really did not want to kill the day for standing at the box office. If it was not DI, the cash departments would have ended up. But DI perceives such difficulties as a challenge. DI drags a heavy master tape recorder to the phone. Calls and records questions on tape, without even trying to answer. He takes a paper and a pencil. Manipulating the keys of the tape recorder, transfers questions to paper. He responds in writing. Again he calls and briefly and accurately reads out the answers to all questions. Runs to his wife to brag ... Five minutes later, the phone rings. DI removes the receiver. A sweet female voice says: - Good afternoon. You are called from the railway tickets booking office. Congratulations. We are testing a new automated system for the fourth day, and you are the first who managed to book tickets. And now, please explain how you managed to do this?
The disc does not go
I remember the oil painting, noticed at the beginning of the distant 90's on "Gorbushka". Beside the counter with the compacts stood the nehily size uncle, dense bass flooding around the area, and behind the counter jumped the pljuganky huckster, spitting out shrill words mixed with saliva. The following dialogue took place between them. - You sold the disc to me, it does not go to my house. - And it does not concern me, maybe you have a computer. Or you scratched the disk. - It's not good. The disk is whole, not scratched. Here he is. Return money. The salesman, feeling that over 30 rubles, which he already considered his own, was in a terrible threat, screamed so that it seemed to an outsider that the poor fellow could not have been hurtled, but something else very much in tune with this word. - DO NOT LIKE BENEVER !!! Probably he thought that this favorite battle cry of all traders, will destroy the giant, and that, like the mythical Goliath, will collapse like a wreck, leaving the battlefield behind the little black David. The man took out a red identity card, and showing it to the lotus-keeper, he began to say something to him. The human stream dragged me from the scene of hostilities and the contents of the conversation could be guessed only by individual phrases that reached me ... "not by law, must return the money ... and I do not care about the law ... so in fact you can not ... you can ... I work in the police, I know the laws ... and I do it ... ". Finally, the verzile was tired of acting within the framework provided by the current legislation. Having measured the estimating view of the plucky one, and obviously thinking that after crushing it on the spot, it will strongly pollute the environment, just grabbed a stack of disks from the tray as trophies and went away. The seller jumped out of the table and after catching up the big man started yelling something about lawlessness and breaking the law. What did the peasant say with a killer phrase "Have you ever killed"?! .. It was enough to make the sound of the huckster off immediately, he silently took out three dozen, gave them to the client, he also silently gave him the disks, and the high contracting The parties parted to mutual satisfaction.
What could Yanukovych and Yushchenko say after the second second round of the Women's novel? Go away, yelled Yushchenko, leave me! Ah, tell someone that it's all a low, ugly lie! Historical novel On Maidan already removed a cage with the defeated. "But this is life, brother," thought Yuschenko thoughtfully, looking at the burning coals of the fire ... Soviet military prose Low gray clouds clung to the dark top of the forest. << Let's go, not turning to anyone, said Yushchenko, only one battle was won, but the war continues >> Soviet children's prose << It's over, Vitka! Yanukovych cried cheerfully, because we are now friends! >> Existential novel Oranges lay on the square. Millions, billions of oranges. You know, Victor - I think they started to rot. Russian classics They died Vitya. They all died. Detective << I think now we will all know the truth, muttered Yushchenko, we all know her >> Adventure novel << Well, now we'll switch places, Yanukovych winked wryly, I'll write it off to be met >> Children's stories about animals << Here we caught you, silly Pluto, smiling tenderly, said Yushchenko, because Daddy told you that you should not have escaped from the cage >> Russian folk tale << And here it is, kids >>, Yushchenko smiled broadly, democracy from the bag. Horrors << It is approaching, licking her parched lips, Yanukovych whispered, I chuvstvuyu, this Orange >>.
Early 60's, Chita honey. The attitude of the people to the foreign is understandable, knowledge is appropriate. Set-off is necessary, otherwise the exam will not be allowed. The teacher is pretty colorful - a healthy man, always slightly unshaven and with residual effects. For offset, you need to prepare some amount of text, measured in thousands of characters. The trick is that the text can be any, not necessarily medical. In general, almost all students have prepared roughly the same thing, taking text from a children's booklet for schoolchildren who are studying English for the first year. And now - set-off. Monday - it's a hard day for everyone, but imagine what kind of teaching you had? After the first three people, he ran out of the audience shouting: "Your mother!" Pussycat meow-meow, doggy-gav-gav !!! All on x # th !!! In short, the torture of cats lasted several days, but they passed all the tests.
It's been a long time. In the country. I have a daughter and a son. At that time my daughter was almost four, my son, two and a half. And my sister's son is older than mine for a month and a day. Brothers are light-haired and a little bit similar (relatives after all), and when they run around - so in general twins. Our melkot was pretty, and my daughter was also sociable in moderation, so we had to regularly look for her around the plots, pull her out of the guests, shake off the grinning grannies and, practically on the machine, tell her name, how old, etc. and so on. So somehow they went with their sister and three children in a field to a river to take a walk. Melkot before jumps, and we are behind, we control. Towards the aunt with her purses. My daughter, as usual, got caught in her tongue, and she was glad of the respite-she put the bags and smiled, - Xu-shu, moo-moo, oh, what a girl, ah, what a sweetheart! And these are your brothers? And are these your parents? Here we come, parents. Aunt, ready to admire her parents-heroes, asks: "Is this all yours ?!" We, hoping to get off with a little blood, say - Yes, all of us (I do not want to explain for a second time that we are a brother and a sister, that these are mine, and this one is mine.) But we can not get away so simply. - And how much are they? Okay, get your aunt, what did she ask. - To the girl - four, this two and a half, and that one for a month is more senior. Her glance is glassy, she tries to figure out how it is - two brothers, but the month is the difference. The aunt is clinical, she freezes with her mouth open, and we, taking advantage of the pause, go further. A hundred meters later, turning around, I see her all the time also looking lost after us.
May I marry Pasha ?!
A case from the life of my 5-year-old daughter. I follow her into the garden, I ask a question: "Mom, can I marry Pasha?" I begin to mumble something, frantically remembering the advice of psychologists on this matter, and deciding to throw from a sick head to a healthy one, I say that I do not know, I must consult my dad. In the evening, when my tired husband crawled from work, an expensive child with shining eyes asked the same question. The husband falls into a stupor. He is not yet ready for this turn of events. Too early! Finally he decides to ask me: "And who is Pasha?" I begin to describe to him: - Nuuu is such a cheeky, plump boy ... My husband is relieved: - No, daughter, for Pasha you can not, he's so fat, we will not feed him. The child calms down, gets to sleep. In the morning, just entering the kindergarten group, loudly announces its decision: "I will not marry Pasha!" Have to go out for Dima! Dima, a small frayed creature, is on my head below my daughter. Coming out of kindergarten, I'm crying. Dima, we probably feed ....
Boarding in the car
Several years ago I decided to learn how to drive. I decided to go up thoroughly and asked my friends to get me some textbook on this matter. Textbook found - Military Publishing, the author - Colonel XXX. I quote from memory: - Chapter 1. "Landing in the car" 1.1. Open the car door. 1.2. Move the center of gravity to the left leg. 1.3. Holding the left hand behind the open door or roof of the car, move the body inward ... 1.4 ... !! Remove the left foot from the asphalt. (!!!) 1.5. Close the door ...
Foreigners are able to rest
Fate forced me to leave my native research institute for 3 months and abandoned it to the sunny south of Italy. After a week of hard work, full of fresh impressions, I realized that I would simply go mad if I did not try to find a way to relax. It turned out that several of my new colleagues shared my desire. So, the motley company, in which there was a Brazilian, a Greek woman, a young Cambridge student who came to Italy for a vacation, and a dozen Italians of different sex, we went to a wonderful restaurant on the shores of the Ionian Sea. The Brazilian was carrying something about football, I improved my English with a representative of the foggy Albion. All this, plus a light Italian wine, set me up for a complacent mood and I asked the waiter to bring some vodka. Soon a glass appeared in front of me ... filled, to my amazement, with ice. But the Italians liked the idea. It must have seemed to them exotic - to drink vodka with a Russian. We went to the apartment of one of the Italians. On the way to the supere was bought a liter bottle. Wisely judging that how many vodka do not take - all the same still running, I took a couple of bottles in addition. The Italians had fun as children, trying to pronounce in Russian: `` For our happy childhood under the wise leadership of the Communist Party of the Soviet Union ''. However, with the snack was strained, and all pretty quickly intoxicated. At some point, I realized that my English teacher showed no sign of life, and as a gentleman, I decided to put her to sleep. Exclusively for this purpose, I dragged her insensible body into the bedroom and threw on ... a water mattress, in which immediately began the excitement. Frightened that the pitching will cause my ward attack of `` seasickness '', I tried to extinguish the fluctuations, but did not take into account that the coordination of movements I had already been severely disrupted, and fell right on her. At that moment, the girl woke up. I do not know what she imagined, but immediately began to make loud groans, in general, as if she had a huge force of orgasm. Then she pronounced `` Thanq wuu '' and rolled onto the barrel. Dumbfounded by what he saw, and afraid of appearing impolite, I asked if she needed anything else. To which the maid muttered falling asleep: `` Just a littlé kiss '' (Just a kiss). And you say, foreigners do not know how to rest.
We are not sponsors
For 25 years we were. We sat with a friend somehow in one barchik, after work, they drank beer, did not touch anyone, in general they rested culturally after a working day Here we see girls approaching us, not the first freshness, not the second one or the like, well, who in bars was, knows the freebie lovers. Well, they ask us the type of question, such as get acquainted: - Men, do not buy a cigarette, a glass of wine? To which I, of course, stunned, but my friend Genka did not lose his head: - Girls, how do you not understand, we are not sponsors, we are alcoholics. We did not see them again ...
Winter of 1997, served six months, it's time to cut off the bootlegs at the boots, exactly at the width of the matchbox. Cropped. Past "Grandfather" runs and on the run throws: - Do not be afraid, student, cut two boxes, you should! I do not care, I cut two, I sew, I sew knuckles with buckles - beauty! Three days later our prapor, the platoon commander, calls out: "Oh, you blah!" Write an explanatory! Just in our detachment began the struggle against non-discipline. Wrote. I quote almost verbatim: "I entered the dress in the kitchen on 05.12.1997, during the cleaning of the ancillary premises I had the imprudence to cling to the boot of the left boot for the protruding edge of the cutting table, which led to the longitudinal rupture of the above-mentioned boot.Since the appearance of the uniform entrusted to me was a kind of indecent and discrediting the honor of the soldier, I decided to cut off part of the boot with the rupture.Cutting off, I saw that the boots differed in height, began to achieve the necessary symmetry, and cut off part of the boot from the right sap ha, but at the same time, the arm that was tired in the outfit trembled, and the cut was deeper than necessary.To bring the height of the boots to the same level, I had to cut off a part of the boot from the left boot. Having achieved the necessary appearance, I cleaned my boots and went to sleep. "Prapor, choking from laughter, read this explanatory before the whole system. But the boots gave me others, but sorry.
Sorry for the typewriter
In the morning I loaded a 7-year-old son into the car and went on business. The needle of the gasoline level was zero at the beginning of the morning and the child on the road repeatedly reminded me of the need to refuel, but everything was not good. When after an hour of traveling to different places on my, son and our common affairs we returned home, the child, looking at the arrow lying on the limiter and a burning light bulb, gave out this phrase: - How can I feel sorry for our car! She must have licked all the walls in the gas tank ...
An example of anatomical illiteracy, found on the draft medical board. A man from a village in Adam's costume appears before the eyes of a doctor. The physician, already tired of the number of anal seen in the day, impartially appeals to him with the standard: "Bend over, push the buttocks ...", and suddenly grows numb with surprise. But there is something to be surprised: the recruit, grabbing his own scrotum with both hands, tries to push the EGG.
There was a case in our city about 10 years ago. In the clothing store that the disabled person owned, a hefty Negro fell. Instructed a disabled person in a wheelchair barrel and demanded money. The invalid got from under the stroller TEK-9. It is such a pistol in shape resembling a Schmisser in the variant for a dwarf. So this dwarf Schmeiser disabled Negro stabbed 31 cartridge (30 in store + 1 in the trunk). Then there were disassemblies and at the court the mother of the deceased pressed on the fact that if her son had not made a Swiss cheese he would have changed his mind and corrected himself. Judging asked the invalid why he shot 31 times. On what the invalid honestly answered - your honor, I had only 31 patrons. Judging found the reason respectful and justified the disabled.
My cat got sick. I caught a cold. He lies, folds his paws, rolled his eyes, spread his tail - "forgive me, if that was not so." The daughter in mourning is hanging on the phone ringing everyone and everything in search of a cat rescue. Finally bring some pills. The size of 5 kopecks. They started to push the pills into his mouth - they were dummy. The cat, though deadly, twisted its muzzle, spat and yelled like a locomotive siren. The husband offered to put this medicine on the other side of the cat, and a good grandmother - to wet the tablet in valerian. She ran behind the bubble, performed all the manipulations and brought it to the cat. The cat - has risen. He jumped to his feet. And "imprisoned" the pill for a sweet soul. Because he was "sick" since morning and since morning he had not eaten anything, he was immediately taken care of. The cat, forgetting that he was sick, began to smile sweetly at everyone, to walk around the apartment and hum along the way to vulgar songs. All calmed down. In vain. An hour later, a hangover came. My cat, immediately linking the cause and effect, lies down on the barrel, folds up his paws and rolls his eyes and begins to "die." Serious granny pours it on the second :. By the end of the day, into the smoke, a drunken cat had come into a completely cattley state - screaming incessantly swearing songs and howling so that the neighbors' blood was chilled in their veins. It ended with the fact that declaring himself a mustang, the cat began to gallop around the apartment, "imprinted" a bald in the door jamb, idiotic grinned and passed out. In the morning, until the end, the sobered-up cat, decided to turn the "valve" with the paws once more. Now on the balcony. He was usually out of the ordinary. And we have his OP - forgotten and closed for three days, leaving for the country. Three days later, when we opened the balcony, we found a cat, humbly sitting next to a dried and almost eaten carrot, completely sober and very unhappy. And we hide the valerian.
Director General of LLC "XXXXX" from the technical department employee V. Explanatory note. On the fact of receipt today by the trainee of the trading floor N. of the industrial injury in the technical department, I can explain the following. At six o'clock in the evening, when the work day was already running out, I was at my workplace doing repair work with the client PCs we had on warranty service, using two soldering irons of different capacities. At this time, an employee of N. approached me, idly moving around the office due to the lack of clients at that hour. For some time the employee N. stood behind me, watching my work, and then asked "to see the soldering iron." I, being at this moment extremely focused on the work performed, without thinking about the essence of N.'s request, extended to him a soldering iron of higher power, which was not being used right now. Employee N., who had just seen that I had performed this soldering iron and that he had been included in the network, nevertheless took it directly for the working end ("sting"), having a temperature of over two hundred degrees Celsius, with his right hand. The next moment the employee N. with a foul cry threw the soldering iron, hitting them in a plastic container with a flux and recoiled to the window sill. After hitting the window sill, N. dropped from his waiting for the recycled battery for the uninterruptible power supply Vask-URS weighing two kilograms on his leg, injuring his toes on his leg. Continuing to scream loudly, N. rushed, without looking, with his back turned back and hit his head against the metal wall of the rack for the equipment under repair, bending it (the wall), after which he fell silent for a few seconds. I and the one who was present at the accident O. had time to worry about the state of health and about the life of our fellow worker, but in a matter of seconds it became clear that N. was alive, about which he informed us of loud swearing abuse. From the first aid offered to him, N. also abruptly abandoned the place of the incident in abusive form. I can not say anything about his further actions, since, having recovered from the nervous shock caused by what happened, I proceeded to account for the losses incurred. The damage was as follows: 1. The power cable was cut off from the soldering iron (it was fixed by its own means). 2. The capacity of the flux is melted, as a result of which the flux has escaped, it is required to allocate 50 (fifty) rubles for the purchase of flux. 3. The decommissioned battery is destroyed (thrown out). 4. The metal rack for storage of the equipment is bent (straightened, using pliers). In the incident I consider guilty directly injured N., who did not become familiar with the instructions for using the "soldering iron" tool before taking it in hand. I have no claims to him, because I understand that the insults they inflicted on me in a state of affect, I think that making them apologies to me in the presence of the employees of LLC XXXXX will be enough to consider the conflict that has arisen resolved. Date, signature.
Horoscope on Friday from the leading astrologer of the country.
CAPRICORN MAN: Today is a good day for unplanned spending. Put the beer to Sagittarius. Woman: A good day for a romantic acquaintance with Sagittarius. AQUARIUS Man: Today is a good day for unplanned expenditure. Put the beer to Sagittarius. Woman: A good day for a romantic acquaintance with Sagittarius. FISH Man: Today is a good day for unplanned spending. Put the beer to Sagittarius. Woman: A good day for a romantic acquaintance with Sagittarius. OWEN Man: Today is a good day for unplanned spending. Put the beer to Sagittarius. Woman: A good day for a romantic acquaintance with Sagittarius. TAURUS Man: Today is a good day for unplanned expenses. Put the beer to Sagittarius. Woman: A good day for a romantic acquaintance with Sagittarius. TWINS Man: Today is a good day for unplanned spending. Put the beer to Sagittarius. Woman: Sit at home and wait for the husband from work. He can come tired. CANCER Man: Today is a good day for unplanned spending. Put the beer to Sagittarius. Woman: A good day for a romantic acquaintance with Sagittarius. LEO Man: Today is a good day for unplanned spending. Поставьте пиво Стрельцу. Женщина: Хороший день для романтического знакомства со Стрельцом. ДЕВА Мужчина: Сегодня благоприятный день для незапланированных трат. Поставьте пиво Стрельцу. Женщина: Хороший день для романтического знакомства со Стрельцом. ВЕСЫ Мужчина: Сегодня благоприятный день для незапланированных трат. Поставьте пиво Стрельцу. Женщина: Хороший день для романтического знакомства со Стрельцом. СКОРПИОН Мужчина: Сегодня благоприятный день для незапланированных трат. Поставьте пиво Стрельцу. Женщина: Хороший день для романтического знакомства со Стрельцом. СТРЕЛЕЦ Мужчина: Раслабьтесь, отдохните. Махните рукой на работу. Очень удачный день для развлечений. Женщина: Хороший день для романтического знакомства со Стрельцом. Вопрос на засыпку - Под каким знаком Зодиака родился астролог? А его жена?