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Wedding with ensign
In better times, early 90's, I worked part time at weddings with a toastmaster. Prikolov seen all sorts of things. Here's one of them. Summer. Saturday evening. At the wedding, to the local "cafe, the guests begin to pick me up." As usual, I drove by car, in order to drink less, otherwise I would have long since drunk off and turned up. I start the preparatory activities. I get acquainted with the parents and discuss the conduct of the wedding. Time 18.00 - the bridegroom and the bride are absent 18.30 no, 19.00 neither is it.The parents are beginning to slowly become nervous.In the beginning of the eighth I suggest the bride's parents to go in their car to the possible stay of two lucky ones.The popes gathered and went with me.In the groom's apartment, of course, There is no one, they decided to return to the cafe again, we drive up - we see the Volga with the "rings" and the bride in tears. "The groom's dad, already in the car, said what he would do with his son if he ran away to another, and it became clear to us that his grandsons never Let's get out of the car and after all the conversations I'll find out .The first thing is that the groom is the LAWNER .The second thing is that after the recording they went to the forest to the shore of our lake a couple of EXPLOSIONS to leave .Because he apparently made a lot of them in part. And the third thing is that the praopor set fire to one blast and flung it well, that he blew up in his hand. In short, the bridegroom is covered in blood and lies in the hospital. The state is so-so. Well, guests, of course, ahhi-ohi. Parents in tears, bride in the snot. I am so modestly reminded that anything can and should be paid for everything, or we'll hold a wedding later. Or, or ... But the relatives decided. Once invited to the wedding, then drink and there is no one canceled. Well, in short, I was persuaded to stay and hold a wedding. And I kind of wanted to eat too, or the girls already looked after themselves. I do not remember. Well, it is necessary, so it is necessary ... But before I later realized that it was like a wedding without a groom. I ask: - Is there a brother of the unfortunate ensign of the Soviet Army at the table? There is such an eagle! I put my younger brother at the bride's and tell the guests: "It's so for decency, otherwise I'll have the whole program in the bummer." And I say all this in complete silence, all so modest and serious. Well, like a wake, only everyone is dressed in white. Well, I went to give out my whole program, I had to earn some money. After the fourth pile of guests clearly cheered up, and after the seventh already and about the young woman forgot. But who is he! Especially since his younger brother has become accustomed to the bride, and bothers when everyone screams: "It's bitter!" Yes, and the bride, podnabravshis with grief, do not mind. Well, I'm glad the wedding was a success. I go out to the streets to gather my friends for goodbye and see the picture. Cops with flashing lights, as many as five funnels from different places on our cafe fly up. With rifles and mats break in and offer a closer look at the floor. Well, I think everyone has arrived. But no. Ten minutes passed. They raised everyone, sat him down at the table. Now, of course, with the cops, obviously happy. And we all learn that the groom-praporkok in shock or with fear, stammering, somehow not so described the event about the wounding of his hand. A nurse, a kind soul, called the gallant police and said: - In the city, in a cafe such and such, at the wedding, there is a gunfight and even throwing grenades. And the wounded groom is already in the ward and is writing a will. Cops, it's clear, to us. What can I tell you? Now all the guests decided to leave the groom without bad dancers interfering. And the bride, I do not know, maybe happy now ... with another.
Who's there?
I was about 13 - early 90's, the sunset of the heyday of summer labor camps, one of which my parents sent me (the first time in my life). One-storey wooden buildings of two rooms, in which lived for 10 people - such a commune. All the girls in our ward are my contemporaries - 13-14 years old, but someone in this camp is not the first time. Many, probably, still remember that at night in these camps it was fashionable (in some cases even necessary) to call all sorts of spirits, dwarfs, etc. A few days after the start of the shift, we decided to do so. The object of witchcraft was chosen spirit of the great genius AS Pushkin. Preparations were held at the highest level - the windows covered with blankets, the three beds tucked together, the nadybannoe mirror, candles, a saucer, wiped to the holes (interesting by whom?) Volume of classic poems and the present fear of participants in the sacrament. Everyone was shaking - both beginners and veterans of this case. Although, I think, they all poured about their experience in this matter. To achieve the result, it was necessary to say thirteen times in a chorus: "The spirit of Alexander Sergeevich Pushkin, come." After the thirteenth time he will make himself felt by some sound - a knock, a rustle, a creak ... And everything is ready - it started ... "The spirit of Alexander Pushkin, come, the spirit of Alexander Sergeevich Pushkin ..." The unstable chorus of ten frightened Before the death of the girls - all is quieter, all more inconsistently, all are untrue ... At this time from the next camp (standing directly fence to the fence) the guys-wrestlers from the sports shift went to our camp to visit the grown-up girls (well, 15 years old -16. There were such). Not knowing exactly where they were settled, they walked and knocked on all the windows in a row. And here is the oil painting - the thirteenth time, we are already almost making lips with witchcraft, in fear awaiting some sound accompaniment of the appearance of the spirit of Alexander Sergeevich in our room. And after the words "come" we hear a persistent knock on the glass. As I remember right now, my heart stopped ... The very eldest still had enough consciousness to squeak: - Who is there? To which we heard the obvious answer: "Who is who? .. Pushkin!"
2 bags of millet
The story began in the village of Nizhny Novgorod region. A man (let Uncle Vanya) work as a security guard at a poultry farm. And one night he stole 2 sacks of millet. Now the investigation and this is what the village investigator writes: "... By questioning the KUR it was established that the suspect brazenly took two sacks of millet from under the nose of mammals, because he had only two hands ..." (quoted word for word, No 83127, 1997). The whole village laughed, but you can not erase words from the song. Then the case goes to the district court. Everyone keeps laughing. Type, nonsense, Vasya, laugh and let go ... Backward, all the sad things went by. From the note of the court: "... In view of irrefutable evidence and the presence of witnesses unequivocally pointing to the kidnapper of food (reference to these very mammals who were questioned), then to award ... 3 years in a colony of general regime ..." That's right. The prosecutor asked for 5 years! Two bags of millet and witnesses were chickens!
Of the many means to nurture penises, they chose the safest and bloodless ones: Thai ointments and a vacuum pump. Notes of a dallower The course is designed for a month. I figured out how much my love tusk would increase - it turned out that the pants in the groin area would have to be tipped. Care will be added. The inevitable change in gait will require new shoes with a wider footprint. Careless, beautiful women passed by me, even without looking in my direction. Unhappy. They did not even suspect that in a month they would have to defend long lines in the stairwell, so as to look at my miracle with at least one eye. In the hallway, trembling with impatience, like a young man before the first coitus, I opened the magic tube. There was a smell of urea and grass. The main thing, now somehow with a hangover, do not brush your teeth. Why do I need vampire fangs? Before use, I carefully studied the instructions. And then vottresh h something is wrong, and your jasper rod will disappear forever. Search for it then, fistulas! And the healer has an excuse: in what direction is ter? To the right? And it is necessary to the left! So he disappeared! Himself to blame! How to grow up members Read: Manufacturer - Thailand. Ingredients: Butea Superba herb extract. (Or, as it is also called, Red Cuao Krua.) Satisfying the male member with the energy of growth! So, the Thai grandmother will say in two if it will grow up or not, but the energy of growth will certainly be.) Strengthens the erectile function. Provides hygienic care. Improves the appearance of the phallus. (This is exactly what you need! And then in a decent society to show shame! Straight Freddy Krueger some!). Actually, the last point caused me some doubts. Interestingly, by what criterion do Thais generally determine the beauty of their members? Something I do not remember beauty contests among the phalluses. Not addictive. That's what I was most afraid of! And then you'll have to buy an ointment for weaning ... The course can not be used in a state of full erection. Make sure that the degree of erection does not exceed three-quarters of the maximum excitement. Dear Thais! Have you realized what you are writing yourself? At least you gave an erectometer to your drug. How should I know: there are three quarters or two? And then, Thais! I do not know how you are there, but here, in Russia, if you use the hands of a sham ud (for any purpose), then soon after reaching three, four will reach four. Some paragraphs of the instructions strongly resemble the description of sumo receptions. Grasp the penis at the base of the hand. Keeping a strong grip (obviously, so that the enemy does not break out!), Gently pull the member forward and down towards the head. Engage in up to 10 minutes. When approaching ejaculation - interrupt. (Clever! P-p-p-p-p-rveveshsya here ...) Experienced suffering The Thais offered me separately exercises to increase the length and width. (Note, not the thickness, but the width!) If, say, you already have alreadyhere wider, and there is no length at all, then extend it. And if he sticks out of the portals, like a ribbon from the followers, then deal only with expansion. I rubbed my jade rod in the morning and evening, often on business trips, in cheap hotels, planes and trains. Often tired after a hard day's work, I fell asleep with a tube in worn out, wiry hands. Every time after another rubbing, I made the necessary measurements. (On a box and on a tube divisions from 0 to 24 cm are marked - nater and immediately measured.) With the scrupulousness of Academician Pavlov, I entered research data into a special school notebook: the sizes before and after classes, the temperature in the apartment and outside the window, the atmospheric pressure, Emotional state of the patient. Never before have I felt such responsibility to society. It's hard to rattle ... Every morning, cursing the Thais, without stopping the grueling training of a shamrock, I watch the clock with alarm. On the train would not be late! I'm making haste, in a hurry. In the evening I make another measurement: the results are disappointing. In unsuccessful attempts to change the term length, I dramatically changed the direction of research and switched to an increase in width. Let it be just as wide as the Volga-Mother. Fingers slowly chase the blood to the head of the penis, - knocking in my brain. And I drove her, my dear, shouted at her! Well, I went to the head! According to paragraph 2 of paragraph 4, while squeezing the trunk at the base, waiting for the moment when the head will take the form of a bell or mushroom cap, I was like this time at Laocoon in sitting position. Honestly, I'm not a mushroom picker, and mostly see mushrooms on the table. I still could not wait for my farm to remotely remotely resemble any mushroom or at worst the Tsar Bell. Apparently, because during the exercises I read Lao Tzu. And Lao says that everything should be scored. Lessons with a vacuum pump are even more fabulous and fuller. You insert your perch in such a plastic sausage chamber and pear-type enema pumping out of it air. The poor ud dangles in a vacuum all alone, like the guilty member of a detachment of astronauts in the pressure chamber. It is still rotated on a centrifuge and can be sent to space! By the way, the instruction allows you to do exercises with pomp at any time and in any place and even on the go. And if you see a man on the street with a wandering grin on his face, with eyes wrapped in a sweet pull, energetic, worked out movements squeezing and unclenching a rubber pear in his hand, know: he is engaged in a pompous increase in his boyfriend. Once, in the sweet hours of high testosterone, sitting on a stool, I, the great natural scientist of our time, habitually carried out a strong grip of the trunk at the base and suddenly felt a certain look on myself. I raise my eyes. I see the full anxiety and horror of my friend's eyes looking at me. So, probably, only the biblical Onan was caught unaware. I mumbled something vaguely about participating in the All-Russian competition for the largest and strongest economy. "You should not strengthen your own economy, but go to a psychiatrist," the girlfriend recommended with reproach, keeping close to the door just in case. Are the results evident? On Saturday, I spent free trials on one close friend. All night long without a break, stormed her bastion. In the morning, as though in thoughtfulness, he defended several times in front of her face, shaking the jade rod, as if in a search for the right sock. - Well! I asked straight after the tenth pass. - Well, what? She asked, yawning. "Do not you notice anything?" - Shaved your legs, or what? Well, then talk with them after that about the beautiful! Her absurd hypothesis was offensive to my whole being, including the patient himself, but the trouble is that her inattention was to the detriment of justified! Of course, my economy increased during strong wrestling seizures, delays, pats, strokes. (But only for the time of pats and seizures.) The peasants know that if the root is rubbed in the same way simply with dry and clean hands, it will also increase without the growth cream. And if next to a beautiful naked stranger, will increase and without a strong grip with rubbing. In addition, penis measurements are complicated by the fact that its dimensions vary depending on a number of factors: temperature, satiety and quality of musical accompaniment (from pop music, for some reason, it kukozhitsya). But here, then, my fingers became thicker and stronger - it's one hundred percent. Apparently, the energy of growth of Red Cuao Krua plant was saturated. At the sight of a pretty girl, they straighten out in addition to my will. And the fact that my brow got better, somehow all looked young, danced, the bags disappeared, so this is most likely due to the increased attention to him. Give back our money! After completing the manual part of the experiment and testing, I came to the conclusion that this method is useless. Outraged by the insidious healers, I call the merchants of penis ointment: - I've just passed your course, but something has not increased the root! "But you had to make some changes!" - confidently says a girlish voice on the other end (this word will long be spoken in me by its vulgar meaning). - Regeneration of tissues, the potency should increase! "What a fucking regeneration!" What a potency! I sizes increased! I shouted with blatant intonations. - Maybe you smoked during the course? - hopefully ask at that end. - E! Of course he smoked! - Have you been drinking? "Of course I did!" - Well, you see! - joyfully ascertained the girl. "He did not grow up among you!" In general, after our course, only 85 percent grow. - What? What are you talking about! And what about us, the remaining 15 percent? Where is it written that you can not smoke and drink? I will sue you for compensation for moral damage. I lost faith in humanity! Give me back my money! - Send your complaints along with the list of attachments. We will consider your question at the board meeting and, maybe, we will return to you 80 percent of the amount ... Everything is clear. Then it turns out that I was doing exercises with the light turned on, but it was necessary in the dark (I shone my shit!), That I was rubbing in the wrong direction, etc. In general, another puzzle of the world scale! The ordinary transfer of money from my pocket to the pocket of a clever uncle.
A very positive story was recently told to me by a colleague.
She has a friend working in a pharmaceutical company. As for one of the formations this girlfriend is a designer, she makes out various stands for exhibitions herself. And since she is also a big specialist in the field of pharmacology - that, as a rule, near the stands she is present, in order to explain to the wandering people what's what. A friend has a son of six or seven. Sometimes he has no one to leave home with, and he goes to exhibitions with his mother. Here and this time sonulya was with her. They sit, bored, there are practically no people, because it's a day off, all outside the city. Then the driver calls to her, says that he brought some booklets and that they should be picked up at the checkpoint, because he does not have a pass. She leaves and strictly orders the son to sit on the spot, do not go anywhere, do not touch anything. The lady ran to the entrance. While the driver found, while the booklets received-signed, while the boxes before the checkpoint dovolokla, until she found the cart, so that all this good to take to the stand - it was decent time. And so she goes to the stand and sees that the people there are darkness, and all laugh, and some even take pictures. Running. Son - no! But in the middle of the stand hangs a sheet of A4, on which the red marker says "I'm like, I will be soon"
According to her, she has never received so many congratulations with relief :)
Peripetias of life
ROVD, 8 am. The girl comes, stuck to the glass (which the guard on duty is fenced off from this world), already nose in a cake from the glass and smiles. The attendant is initially zero attention. The girl is all standing and smiling. Well, sort of - what happened? - And I was raped. - So what? The girl thought, she said: "Well, you fool!" - turns around and leaves. The duty man is in thoughtfulness about the vicissitudes of life.
Booking tickets by phone
In the early 80's, my relative, say DI, and his wife drove the children to winter vacations in Moscow, the benefit of their Moscow friends themselves somewhere left and left the apartment for guests. On the second day DI decided to order tickets home. He sat on the phone, from the fourth or fifth time he phoned and heard a taped voice: "You called the railway tickets booking office. In order to improve the service our bureau switched to automated reception of orders from the population. Please, briefly and accurately answer each question after the word `` answer '' ''. After that, a hail of questions rained down: the name, the name, the phone, the district, the street, from where, to where, the train number, the type of the car ... DI stopped at the sixth, and the film already mercilessly went ahead. DI dropped the receiver. I phoned again. I lost the eighth question, but now I did not give up the phone, but listened to the end. There were about forty questions that left no chance of success. DI became offended. First, he felt like a provincial, unable to do a simple thing, with which the metropolitan residents somehow manage. Secondly, he really did not want to kill the day for standing at the box office. If it was not DI, the cash departments would have ended up. But DI perceives such difficulties as a challenge. DI drags a heavy master tape recorder to the phone. Calls and records questions on tape, without even trying to answer. Takes paper and a pencil. Manipulating the keys of the tape recorder, transfers questions to paper. He responds in writing. Again he calls and briefly and accurately read out the answers to all questions. Runs to his wife to boast ... Five minutes later, the phone rings. DI removes the receiver. A sweet female voice says: "Good day." You are called from the railway tickets booking office. Congratulations. We experience a new automated system for the fourth day, and you are the first who managed to book tickets. And now, please explain how you managed to do this?
The disc does not go
I remember the oil painting, noticed at the beginning of the distant 90's on "Gorbushka". Near the counter with the compacts, the uncle's uncounted size rose, drowning the area around him with a thick bass, and a plum-yang merchant hopped behind the counter, spitting out shrill words mixed with saliva. The following dialogue took place between them. - You sold the disc to me, it does not go to my house. - And it does not concern me, maybe you have a computer. Or you scratched the disk. - It's not good. The disk is whole, not scratched. Here he is. Return money. The saleswoman, feeling that over the 30 rubles that he already considered his own, was in terrible danger, screamed so that it could seem to an outsider that the poor fellow could not have been hurtled, but something else very much in tune with this word. - DO NOT LIKE BENEVER !!! Probably he thought that this favorite battle cry of all traders, will destroy the giant, and that, like the mythical Goliath, will collapse like a wreck, leaving the battlefield behind the little black David. The peasant took out a red identity card, and after showing it to the lotus-keeper, he began to say something to him. Human traffic dragged me from the scene of hostilities and the contents of the conversation could be guessed only by individual phrases that reached me ... "not by law, must return the money ... and I do not care about the law ... it's impossible ... You can ... I work in the police, I know the laws ... but I do ... ". Finally, the verzile was tired of acting within the framework provided by the current legislation. Having measured the estimating view of the plagued one, and obviously thinking that after crushing it on the spot, it will strongly pollute the environment, just grabbed a stack of disks from the tray as trophies and went away. The seller jumped out of the table and after catching up the big man started yelling something about lawlessness and breaking the law. What did the peasant say with a killer phrase "Have you ever killed"?! .. It was enough that the sound of the huckster was instantly turned off, he silently took out three dozen, gave them to the client, he also silently gave him the disks, and the high contracting The parties parted to mutual satisfaction.

What could Yanukovych and Yushchenko say after the second second round of the Women's novel? Go away, cried Yushchenko, leave me! Ah, tell someone that it's all a low, ugly lie! Historical novel On Maidan already taken out a cage with the defeated. "But this is life, brother," thought Yuschenko thoughtfully, looking at the burning coals of the fire ... Soviet military prose Low gray clouds clung to the dark top of the forest. "Come, do not turn to anyone," said Yushchenko, "only one battle has been won, but the war continues" >> Soviet children's prose << It's over, Vitka! Yanukovych cried cheerfully, because we are now friends! >> Existential novel There were oranges in the square. Millions, billions of oranges. You know, Victor - I think they started to rot. Russian classics They died Vitya. They all died. Detective << I think now we will all learn the truth, muttered Yushchenko, we all learn >> Adventure novel << Well, now we'll switch places, Yanukovych winked wryly, I'll write to my people to be met as befits >> Children's stories about animals << Here we caught you, silly Pluto, smiling tenderly, said Yushchenko, because Daddy told you that it was not necessary to run away from the cage >> Russian folk tale << And here it is, kids >>, Yushchenko smiled broadly, Democracy from the bag. Horrors << It is approaching, licking her parched lips, Yanukovych whispered, I will, this is Orange >>.
Torturing Kitty
Early 60's, Chita honey. The attitude of the people to the foreign is understandable, knowledge is appropriate. Set-off is necessary, otherwise they will not be allowed to take exams. The teacher is quite colorful - a healthy man, always slightly unshaven and with residual effects. For offset, you need to prepare some amount of text, measured in thousands of characters. The trick is that the text can be any, not necessarily medical. In general, almost all students have prepared roughly the same thing, taking the text from a children's booklet for schoolchildren who are studying English for the first year. And now - set-off. Monday - it's a hard day for everyone, but imagine what the teacher had to do? After the first three people, he ran out of the audience with a cry: "Your mother!" Pussycat meow-meow, doggy-gav-gav !!! All on x # th! In short, the torture of cats lasted several days, but they passed all the tests.
Two brothers
It's been a long time. In the country. I have a daughter and a son. At that time my daughter was almost four, my son, two and a half. And my sister's son is older than mine for a month and a day. Brothers are white-haired and a bit similar (relatives after all), and when they run around - so in general twins. Our melkot was pretty, and my daughter was also sociable in moderation, so we had to regularly look for her around the plots, pull her out of the guests, shake off the grinning grannies and, practically on the machine, tell her name, how old, etc. And so on. And somehow they went with their sister and three children in a field to a river to take a walk. Melkot before jumps, and we are behind, we control. Towards the aunt with her purses. My daughter, as usual, caught her tongue, and she was glad of the respite-she put the bags and smiled, - Xu-shu, moo-moo, oh, what a girl, ah, what a bunting! And these are your brothers? And are these your parents? Here we come, parents. Aunt, ready to admire her parents-heroes, asks: "Is this all yours ?!" We, hoping to get off with a little blood, say - Yes, all of us (I do not want to explain for a second time that we are a brother and a sister, that these are mine, but this one is mine.) But it's not possible to leave so simply. - And how much are they? Okay, get your aunt, what did she ask. - To the girl - four, to this two and a half, and that one for a month is more senior. Her glance is glassy, ​​she tries to figure out how it's two brothers, but the month is the difference. The aunt is clinical, she freezes with her mouth open, and we, taking advantage of the pause, go further. A hundred meters later, turning around, I see her all the time also looking lost after us.
May I marry Pasha ?!
A case from the life of my 5-year-old daughter. I follow her into the garden, a question is asked in the forehead: - Mom, can I marry Pasha ?! I start to mumble something, frantically remembering the advice of psychologists on this issue, and having decided to throw from a sick head to a healthy one, I say that I do not know, I must consult my father. In the evening, when my tired husband crawled from work, an expensive child with shining eyes asked the same question. The husband falls into a stupor. He is not yet ready for this turn of events. Too early! At last he decides to ask me: "And who is Pasha?" I begin to describe to him: - Nuuu is such a cheeky, plump boy ... My husband is relieved: - No, daughter, for Pasha can not, he's so fat, we will not feed him. The child calms down, gets to sleep. In the morning, just entering the kindergarten group, loudly announces its decision: "I will not marry Pasha!" Have to go out for Dima! Dima, a small frayed creature, is on my head below my daughter. Coming out of kindergarten, I'm crying. Dima, we probably feed ....
Landing in the car
Several years ago I decided to learn how to drive. I decided to go up thoroughly and asked my friends to get me some textbook on this matter. Textbook found - Military Publishing, the author - Colonel XXX. I quote from memory: - Chapter 1. "Landing in the car" 1.1. Open the car door. 1.2. Move the center of gravity to the left leg. 1.3. Holding the left hand behind the open door or roof of the car, move the body inside ... 1.4 ... !! Remove the left foot from the asphalt. (!!!) 1.5. Close the door ...
Foreigners are able to rest
Fate forced me to leave my native research institute for 3 months and abandoned it to the sunny south of Italy. After a week of hard work, full of fresh impressions, I realized that I would simply go mad if I did not try to find a way to relax. It turned out that my wish was shared by several of my new colleagues. So, the motley company, in which there was a Brazilian, a Greek woman, a young Cambridge student who came to Italy for a vacation, and a dozen Italians of different sex, we went to a wonderful restaurant on the shores of the Ionian Sea. The Brazilian was carrying something about football, I improved my English with a representative of the foggy Albion. All this, plus a light Italian wine, set me up to a complacent mood and I asked the waiter to bring some vodka. Soon a glass appeared on my table ... filled, to my amazement, with ice. But the Italians liked the idea. It must have seemed to them exotic - to drink vodka with a Russian. We went to the apartment of one of the Italians. On the way to the supere was bought a liter bottle. Мудро рассудив, что сколько водки не бери - все равно еще бегать, я прихватил пару бутылок дополнительно. Итальянцы веселились как дети, пытаясь по-русски произносить: ``За наше счастливое детство под мудрым руководством коммунистический партии Советского Союза''. Однако с закуской был напряг, и все довольно быстро опьянели. В какой то момент я осознал, что моя учительница английского не подает признаков жизни, и будучи джентльменом, решил уложить ее проспаться. Исключительно с этой целью я потащил ее бесчувственное тело в спальню и бросил на... водяной матрас, в котором тут же началось волнение. Испугавшись, что качка вызовет у моей подопечной приступ ``морской болезни'', я попытался погасить колебания, но не учел, что координация движений у меня уже была сильно нарушена, и свалился прямо на нее. В этот момент девица очнулась. Не знаю, что она себе вообразила, но немедленно начала издавать громкие стоны, в общем, как будто испытывала огромной силы оргазм. Затем четко произнесла ``Thаnк уоu'' и перевернулась на бочок. Ошарашенный увиденным, и боясь показаться невежливым, я осведомился, не нужно ли ей еще чего-нибудь. На что девица пробормотала засыпая: ``Just а littlе кiss'' (Всего лишь поцелуй). А вы говорите, иностранцы отдыхать не умеют.
Мы не спонсоры
Лет по 25 нам было. Сидели с другом как-то в одном барчике, после работы, пивко попивали, никого не трогали, в общем отдыхали культурно после рабочего дня :) Тут видим к нам подходят девицы, не первой свежести, не второй или типа того, ну, кто в барах был, знает любительниц халявы. Ну, и задают нам типа вопросики, типа познакомиться: - Мужчины, не угостите дам сигареткой, бокалом вина? На что я, конечно, обалдел, а друг мой Генка не растерялся: - Девушки, как же вы не понимаете, мы не спонсоры, мы алкоголики. Больше мы их не видели...
Зима 1997 года, отслужил 6 месяцев, настало время срезать голенища у сапог, ровно на ширину спичечного коробка. Обрезал. Мимо пробегает "дед" и на ходу бросает: - Не боись, студент, режь на два коробка, тебе положено! Пофигу, режу на два, подшиваю, пришиваю хлястики с пряжками - красота! Через три дня вызывает наш прапор - командир взвода: - Ах ты мля! Пиши объяснительную! Как раз в нашем отряде началась борьба с неуставщиной. Написал. Привожу почти дословно: "Заступил в наряд по кухне 05.12.1997. В процессе уборки подсобного помещения имел неосторожность зацепиться голенищем левого сапога за выступающий край разделочного стола, что привело к продольному разрыву вышеуказанного сапога. Так как внешний вид доверенного мне обмундирования являл собой вид непотребный и порочащий честь солдата, я решил срезать часть голенища вместе с разрывом. Срезав, увидел, что сапоги отличаются друг от друга высотой, стал добиваться необходимой симметрии, и срезал часть голенища с правого сапога, но при этом уставшая в наряде рука дрогнула, и разрез получился более глубоким, чем нужно. Чтобы довести высоту сапог до одинакового уровня, пришлось срезать часть голенища с левого сапога. Добившись необходимого внешнего вида, почистил сапоги и пошел спать" Прапор, захлебываясь от смеха, читал эту объяснительную перед всем строем. Но сапоги выдали мне другие, а жаль.
Жалко машинку
С утра загрузил в машину 7-летнего сына и поехали по делам. Стрелка уровня бензина с самого утра была на нуле и ребенок в дороге неоднократно напоминал мне о необходимости заправиться, но все было недосуг. Когда после часа поездок в разные места по моим, сыновьим и нашим общим делам возвращались домой, ребенок, глядя на лежащую на ограничителе стрелку и горящую лампочку, выдал такую фразу: - Как мне нашу машину жалко! Она, наверное, в бензобаке уже все стенки облизала...
Анатомическая безграмотность
Пример анатомической безграмотности, обнаруженной на призывной медкомиссии. Хлопец из села в костюме Адама предстает пред очи врача. Врач, уже порядком подуставший от количества увиденных за день аналов, беспристрастно обращается к нему со стандартным: "Наклониться, раздвинуть ягодицы...", и вдруг немеет от удивления. А ведь есть чему удивиться: призывник, обеими руками ухватившись за собственную мошонку, пытается раздвинуть ЯЙЦА.
31 патрон
Был у нас в городе лет 10 назад случай. В магазин одежды которым владел инвалид в валился здоровенный негр. Наставил на инвалида в коляске ствол и потребовал деньги. Инвалид достал из под коляски ТЕК-9. Это такой пистолетик по форме напоминающий шмайсер в варианте для карлика. Так вот из этого карликового шмайсера инвалид всадил в негра 31 патрон (30 в магазине + 1 в стволе). Потом были разборки и на суде мама покойного давила на то что если бы из её сына не сделали швейцарский сыр он бы одумался и исправился. Судя спросил инвалида почему тот стрелял 31 раз. На что инвалид честно ответил - Ваша честь, у меня был только 31 патрон. Судя счёл причину уважительной и оправдал инвалида.
Заболел у меня кот. Простыл. Лежит, лапки сложил, глазки закатил, хвост расстелил - "простите, если что было не так". Дочь в трауре висит на телефоне обзванивая всех и вся в поисках спасения кота. Наконец приносят какие-то таблетки. Размером с 5 коп. Начали пихать таблетки ему в пасть - дулю. Кот, хоть и при смерти, мордой вертел, плевался и орал как паровозная сирена. Муж предложил засунуть это лекарство коту с другой стороны, а добрая бабушка - мокнуть таблетку в валерьянку. Сбегала за пузырем, произвела все манипуляции и поднесла коту. Кот - воспрял. Вскочил. И "заточил" пилюлю за милую душу. Т. к. он "болел" с утра и с утра же ничего не ел, его развезло сразу. Кот, забыв, что он больной, стал мило всем улыбаться, гулять по квартире и напевать себе под нос пошлые песенки. Все успокоились. Зря. Через час наступило похмелье. Мой кот, моментально связав причину и следствие, ложится на бочок, складывает лапки и закатив глазки начинает "умирать". Сердобольная бабуля наливает ему по второй:. К концу дня, в дым пьяный кот пришел в совершенно скотское состояние - орал не переставая матерные песни и выл так, что у соседей кровь стыла в жилах. Закончилось тем, что объявив себя мустангом, кот начал скакать по квартире, "впечатался" балдой в дверной косяк, идиотски ухмыльнулся и вырубился. Утром, до конца не протрезвевший кот, решил провернуть <вентиль> с лапками еще раз. Теперь уже на балконе. Привычно расстелился. А мы его ОП - забыли и закрыли на три дня, уехав на дачу. Через три дня, когда мы открыли балкон, нашли кота, кротко сидящего рядом с засушенной и почти съеденной морковкой, совершенно трезвого и очень несчастного. А валерьянку прячем.
Объяснительная записка
Генеральному директору ООО "ХХХХХ" от сотрудника технического отдела В. Объяснительная записка. По факту получения сегодня стажёром торгового зала Н. производственной травмы в техническом отделе могу пояснить следующее. В шестом часу вечера, когда рабочий день уже заканчивался, я на своём рабочем месте производил ремонтные работы с находящимся у нас на гарантийном обслуживании клиентским ПК, используя при этом два паяльника различных мощностей. В это время ко мне подошёл сотрудник Н., праздно перемещавшийся по офису ввиду отсутствия в этот час клиентов. Некоторое время сотрудник Н. стоял у меня за спиной, следя за моей работой, после чего попросил "дать посмотреть паяльник". Я, будучи в этот момент крайне сосредоточен на выполняемой работе, не задумываясь о сути просьбы Н., протянул ему не используемый непосредственно сейчас паяльник большей мощности. Сотрудник Н., только что видевший, что я выполнял этим паяльником работы и что он до настоящего момента включен в сеть, тем не менее взял его непосредственно за рабочий конец ("жало"), имеющий температуру свыше двухсот градусов по Цельсию, правой рукой. В следующий момент сотрудник Н. с матерным криком бросил паяльник, попав им в пластиковую ёмкость с флюсом и отшатнулся к подоконнику. Ударившись о подоконник, Н. уронил с него ожидающий утилизации списанный аккумулятор для источника бесперебойного питания Bаск-UРS весом два килограмма себе на ногу, повредив себе пальцы на ноге. Продолжая громко браниться, Н. рванулся, не глядя, спиной назад и ударился головой о металлическую стенку стеллажа для находящегося в ремонте оборудования, погнув её (стенку), после чего на несколько секунд затих. Я и присутствовавший при происшествии О. успели обеспокоиться состоянием здоровья и о самой жизни нашего товарища по работе, но через считанные секунды стало ясно, что Н. жив, о чём он оповестил нас громкой матерной бранью. От предложенной ему первой помощи Н. так же в матерной форме отказался и покинул место происшествия. О дальнейших его действиях сказать не могу ничего, т. к., оправившись от нервного потрясения, вызванного происшедшим, я приступил к учёту понесённых потерь. Ущерб оказался следующим: 1. У паяльника оборван провод питания (починил своими средствами). 2. Расплавлена ёмкость с флюсом, в результате чего флюс вытек, требуется выделить 50 (пятьдесят) рублей для закупки флюса. 3. Разрушен списанный аккумулятор (выкинул). 4. Погнут металлический стеллаж для хранения оборудования (выпрямил, используя плоскогубцы). В происшедшем считаю виновным непосредственно пострадавшего Н., не ознакомившегося с инструкцией по эксплуатации инструмента "паяльник" перед тем, как брать его в руки. Сам к нему претензий не имею, т. к. понимаю, что оскорбления им были нанесены мне в состоянии аффекта, считаю, что принесения им мне извинений в присутствии сотрудников ООО "ХХХХХ" будет достаточно для того, чтобы считать возникший конфликт разрешенным. Дата, подпись.
Гороскоп на пятницу от ведущего астролога страны.
КОЗЕРОГ Мужчина: Сегодня благоприятный день для незапланированных трат. Поставьте пиво Стрельцу. Женщина: Хороший день для романтического знакомства со Стрельцом. ВОДОЛЕЙ Мужчина: Сегодня благоприятный день для незапланированных трат. Поставьте пиво Стрельцу. Женщина: Хороший день для романтического знакомства со Стрельцом. РЫБЫ Мужчина: Сегодня благоприятный день для незапланированных трат. Поставьте пиво Стрельцу. Женщина: Хороший день для романтического знакомства со Стрельцом. ОВЕН Мужчина: Сегодня благоприятный день для незапланированных трат. Поставьте пиво Стрельцу. Женщина: Хороший день для романтического знакомства со Стрельцом. ТЕЛЕЦ Мужчина: Сегодня благоприятный день для незапланированных трат. Поставьте пиво Стрельцу. Женщина: Хороший день для романтического знакомства со Стрельцом. БЛИЗНЕЦЫ Мужчина: Сегодня благоприятный день для незапланированных трат. Поставьте пиво Стрельцу. Женщина: Сидите дома и ждите мужа с работы. Он может прийти уставшим. РАК Мужчина: Сегодня благоприятный день для незапланированных трат. Поставьте пиво Стрельцу. Женщина: Хороший день для романтического знакомства со Стрельцом. ЛЕВ Мужчина: Сегодня благоприятный день для незапланированных трат. Поставьте пиво Стрельцу. Женщина: Хороший день для романтического знакомства со Стрельцом. ДЕВА Мужчина: Сегодня благоприятный день для незапланированных трат. Поставьте пиво Стрельцу. Женщина: Хороший день для романтического знакомства со Стрельцом. ВЕСЫ Мужчина: Сегодня благоприятный день для незапланированных трат. Поставьте пиво Стрельцу. Женщина: Хороший день для романтического знакомства со Стрельцом. СКОРПИОН Мужчина: Сегодня благоприятный день для незапланированных трат. Поставьте пиво Стрельцу. Женщина: Хороший день для романтического знакомства со Стрельцом. СТРЕЛЕЦ Мужчина: Раслабьтесь, отдохните. Махните рукой на работу. Очень удачный день для развлечений. Женщина: Хороший день для романтического знакомства со Стрельцом. Вопрос на засыпку - Под каким знаком Зодиака родился астролог? А его жена?