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My Blog: Jokes jokes jokes stories

Talk two girlfriends. - How did you manage to call me a fool for everyone ?! - Sorry, you did not warn that you are hiding ...


Father Vovochke: - Deuce fixed? - Corrected! - Well, show! - Here! - Well, who fixes it like that ?! Give me here!


At the reception, the wife - her husband: - How are you not ashamed ?! After all, you already ran ten times with a plate for food! Not ashamed?! - No - I said it for you ...


- Dad, what is the female womb? - Kgm ... Well, this is such a little thing between their legs ... - And now we will go to the bosom of nature - it means in this little thing ?!


From life. Our moose (children's toys) had their horns torn off. After a dozen unsuccessful attempts to get me to stick them, the wife is sitting - she attaches them herself. I pass by - and without any ulterior motive she says: - Honey, what are you doing here? And she told me, with an iron note in her voice: “Why, here ... for a start, I will practice on elks ...”


Husband and wife are in bed: - Dear, come on. - Leave me alone. - You know, the women fuck hunt. - And I'm not a woman, I do not hunt ...


- First, tries! - happily said Dantes, blowing into the barrel of the gun. “The little year old dalbayop,” Pushkin whispered weakly, settling baggy in the snow ...


- Daughter, are you ready? - Now, Mom, only Fublya take. - Whom? The daughter takes her out of the room and shows her mother an incredibly disgusting doll - scary, worn out and soiled. Mother, involuntarily: - Ugh, fuck! - It's dad called her so!


- I do not go past the circus. Clowns pussy me. - Cho - seriously? - No, fuck - with jokes !!!


Dear parents! Do not give your daughters the names: Karina, Ilona, ​​Alina, Kristina, Veronika ... There are so many of them on the panel!


- Mash, what did you get for the new pykhar? - Yes, this ... as his ... sculptor! But I already fucked him sent ... Count up - first he said that I had a great ass - and then he wanted to whip me ... Sadist, fuck!


- Speak articulately! And in general - or a blow job, or talk ...


- You say "I love" - ​​crying, you say "I do not like" - also crying ... Okay - we will fuck in silence!


Ask an old bachelor: - How much will you hang out without a family! Is it time to marry? He answers: - I don't need a fig! I have two sisters who take care of me and give me absolutely everything I need ... - Well, okay, but sisters will never replace you with a good wife, having sex with them is a great sin! - Why ?! This is not my sisters!


From life. Evening. I sit at home, waiting for my husband, cooking dinner. His friend calls: - Yours went over a little - maybe you will come to his office until you fall asleep? Angry, running to the car. The office of the husband is 15 minutes from the house. I drive off, dial his mobile: - Llyubimayaaaaa! all hrrsshooo! I'm not drunk! not! Well, a bit ... I will speak his teeth so as not to fall asleep, because as: a) you wake the figs; b) FIG dragging you to the car - more than 100 kg of live weight. I fly to the 2nd floor, in the office, while the mobile phone does not turn off. Imagine: I am angry, disheveled, in an apron over clothes, with a handset griped in the manner of a grenade ... I was hatched with fear three well sooo underdogs ... And my husband cooing into the phone: - I have the best, kind, beautiful, I don’t need anyone except you ... Sensing the confusion of colleagues, he looks up, looks at me, at the phone, again at me - drops the phone and gives out: - Honey is not what you thought I'll explain everything to you now !!!


When my wife says, "Lord, how tired I am of you!" - I always stand up for him. If a soldier who does not dream of becoming a general is bad, then that general who does not dream of becoming a dictator is bad. If in the eyes of the interlocutor froze interest - it means that he has ceased to understand you. The slogan of a travel agency: “We will let you in the world!”. Girls came, stand aside, nipples in their hands are teasing ... To spend the evening in the company of two beautiful girls, we need one ugly girl and a bottle of vodka! Have you ever wondered why the Americans, hinting at a well-known organ, show only the middle finger, and the Russians - their hand is up to their elbows? ... Back in school, when the blotters were no longer put in notebooks, I realized that the country was falling apart. Do you think Lomonosov was born so smart? This is he, until he went to Moscow behind the wagon train, heard a lot on the way ... Health is when everything hurts, but there is still strength to not go to the doctor. Wig-at-dick - this is the hairstyle of a woman on the pubic hair. Small demand for a woman, if little knows the posture. If in a dispute between a man and a woman, He sends her to the dick, and She puts him in his pussy, then perhaps their paths will cross!


- Girl, and what are you working? - Promoter in a large company. - Aah ... waste money?


- Love takes a third of my life. And the remaining two-thirds - "well, do not, well, what are you like a fool, well, stop ...".


- Well, beautiful - go ride! - Man, good to play the fool - we pay the fare!


- I have a husband - Sagittarius, so for my birthday I gave him a gun. - And my husband - Fish, I'll give him an aquarium! - And my husband - Capricorn ...


The chicken is good to eat together: you and the chicken!


- Imagine, my girl has 46 size shoes ... - Is she - and you put cotton wool there? !!


A man jumped with a parachute and descends to the ground ... An eagle flies past: - Hello dancers! Skydiver: - I am not a dancer, I am a skydiver! Eagle: - Hey, man - there are SUCH CACTUSES down there !!! Abilities will come instantly ...


From the leaflet: "Our company has a great experience in meeting new millennia."


- Ask at least my wife, and she will confirm to you that I do THAT 5 times a night! Yes Yes exactly! I always had a weak bladder ...


They talk two pensioners waiting to see a doctor: - These doctors write like a chicken paw! In recipes, nothing can not be disassembled! - That's good! According to my own recipe, I traveled for a whole year free of charge in a tramway, I went to the opera house for half a year, and now I also received a pension increase!


- Sister, write: the operation was successful ... - But the patient died ?! - And it was not necessary to escape!


- Is it possible to get a tax deduction using birth control pills? - Only if they were ineffective ...


From the speech of the head physician of the hospital: - Visitors climb up to the sick through the window of the sixth floor. Therefore, visitors are becoming less and sick more and more ...


From the medical card: "Patient Ivanov. He entered with venous disease, was discharged with venous disease."


Bar, working tv. There is an advertisement for women's pads: - These are the only pads that breathe ... Man, looking up from the glass: - What are they breathing for, poor ?!


Few people know about this, but the First Epistle of the Apostle Paul to the Corinthians began with the words: "Good afternoon. Please do not throw out this letter, it is not spam."


- Salutes, Motsik! - Zdarovki, Salierik! Poison me Heneysey brandy today !?


Scientists discovered a child raised by spammers. He can crap at the same time in thousands of pots ...


- Doctor, what should I do ?! I'm so scary that everyone faints from me! ... - Doctor! What's wrong with you?!!!


- Girl! You're busy? - See for yourself that you are busy! But anal is still free!


Spider asked what is the meaning of life. Saw such a fuck ....


- Little Johnny! Mom said you called Mari Stepanovna a fool today? - Dda ... - Son, maybe you are right - but it’s not necessary for Grandma to say ...


- Represent? Now on the street to me ham stuck! - What about you? Silent again and gone? - Why? My grandfather taught me - to kill only as much as you can eat ...


- Why aren't you eating a cake? Are you afraid of not getting into a dress? - In a dress, I got into, but in the elevator ...


- Doctor, write me a Viagra ... - And what's the problem? - Yes, doctor - you should not get to work. - For the work is better petrolatum ...


- What kind of men can you have a crisis? You have something to worry about? You have boobs never droop!


Husband: - You see - are freaks sitting? Wife: - Why freaks? Ordinary men - sit, drink ... You do not even know them. - I do not like their eyes! - Eyes like eyes ... - Yes? Now I’ll come up and ask me to pour - you will see with what eyes they will look at me - freaks!


A new kind of tailed women brought out Russian genetics ... Now, when you plant it on the very eggs, it has a pipe in its tail.


Family scene. - A bore! - Is it me bore ?! - Yes, you are a bore! - And you ... and you ... and you married a bore, so it's your own fault! - Well, well, I married a bore. And then who did you marry? Pause. - And I married a hysterical! Another pause. - Well, okay, not hysterical, I joked, do not be offended ... - Nooo, i'm hysterical, hysterical !!! AND NOW YOU WILL HAVE EFFECTING ME!


- Here you sit here, eat my bread, drink my wine ... But one of you will betray me! There was an awkward silence. - And who is this Judas? asked John. - Why, at least he! - accusing finger pointed to the end of the table, - Pavel! All the faces turned towards the pale Paul. “Well, Daddy,” muttered Pavlik Morozov, and swallowed, “Well, you have a comic ki!”


The morning of February 15 in Russia - Valentine's Day. Make two trips to the zone and the third and fourth - to the government - get for free! Those who risk justifiably drink champagne, and those who are unjustified drink vodka. The apartment is hard to sell - parents are constantly at home ... Vaseline still needs to be earned! Wife does not seem so beautiful as before? Watch women's weightlifting competitions. If a girl turns and leaves, then most likely - she wants to show how her buttocks are played. True opponents of the death penalty are those who remain so even after neighbors buy karaoke. If you have lost your appetite, restore it to the freebie table. While some all are waiting, when fate itself will put a princess in their bed - others fuck the queen for a long time. She was monstrously beautiful. All the monsters from her straight baldeli. Confidentially you inform the lady that the second most terrible feminine defect is curiosity. Do you think she will hurry to ask? And a friendly exchange of gunfire ensued between them. This psychotherapist will not only help the patient get rid of the suffering associated with a sense of his own insignificance, but also instill in him a sense of pride in her! If you buy a stool from us, then you will get a rope and soap as a gift.


Two are talking: - Look, Chubais flew out to rest with all his friends. - And how did you guess? - This is a single aircraft ...


... Ivanov once again was preparing to become a dad - he moved out of the apartment and changed his mobile number.


Theme: "The image of the mother in sms-messages."


- Girls, guard! I got a bottle of vodka!


Small market. Hefty torso guy with tattoos selling CDs. Sukhoi intellectual approaches and timidly asks: - Do you have “The Same”? The guy's face is distorted in an attempt to think, and he asks in surprise: - And who is “Zek Yura”?


Large-scale embezzlement continues in the Russian army. A soldier was taken, carrying the wounded right from the battlefield.


- There the crystal coffin swings, and in that coffin the princess sleeps ... - Listen - and what does he swing if she sleeps?


- Madame, I have long wanted to offer you a hand and a heart. - Monsieur, I have long wanted to refuse you, but there was no reason ...


- What's your name? - If affectionately and abbreviated - Oleg. - And completely? - Olegofren.


From the dialogue in the subway: - Absolutely at us the deputy chief arrogant! - What happened? - Yes, I sit somehow in a jerk on the point, but he comes in, okay, he did not give a hand - he didn’t even nod!


- Can you talk to Prosecutor General Ustinov? - He is having lunch. - By whom?


The fire service has been disbanded in Belarus ... It is not allowed for anyone to climb in front of the Batka to hell!


Theology lesson. The father tries to convey to the students the thesis that there is a spark of God in every person ... Father: - God created man in his own image and likeness ... What does this mean? Pupils: - The fact that God is a mammal from the order of primates ...


- Mom, and mom, can I mess around today? “Okay, son, just not for long.” Do not go far, only on local sites, do not talk to strangers.


- How is it politically correct to call a slacker? - Philosopher. - And if you want to express yourself stronger? - Then the cultural studies.


She put the wicked stepmother Windows 98 and Windows XP into one folder, called Cinderella and said: - So that by the morning both systems were in different folders ...


How many more unsolved mysteries of nature! For example, why, when a dog sits down to shit, does it necessarily spin counterclockwise?


- What is your name, remember? Can you get up yourself? - Why are you stuck to the child? He has not a year yet!


- Did you happen to have a bear in your ear? - I have an absolute ear! - Yes, what’s the rumor about - you look in your ear !!!


Christina Orbakaite sings: "The world in which I live is called a dream!" Yes, my God, my goodness - but who would doubt, then ?!


Bush must pass a lie detector test. Before the procedure, when everything is ready, they explain to him: - We ask a question - you answer. If you answer honestly - the green light comes on, you're lying - red. Clear? “I see,” says Bush. The red light comes on.


Some kind of an orgy, all in pairs - only one man lashes himself separately with a stick ... They ask him: - Are you a masochist? - No - a sadist, masturbate doing ...


- You pricked me with a fork! - Oh sorry! I thought, since the elbow is in my plate ...


Yesterday I finally understood what football is on the grass. This is when players slowly, slowly, through unimaginably complex trajectories run around the field, and sometimes they stop and incendiary laugh.


A story from a woman ... Morning, me, he. Through the dream I feel trying to wake me up for a reason, but with a specific purpose. Lord, how do you want to sleep! Dissatisfied with tambourine: "Will you wake me up? ..." In response, vigorous and confident: "I WILL BE!".


- So, I am making Tibet Tibet, and you are doing a chito mine ?!


- Why your husband decided to do bodybuilding? - Bo dibil fucking ...


Night. Doorbell. A man wakes up and in a sleepy voice asks: - Who is there, EPT? From behind the door: - Jean-Claude Van Damme! Man: - Now, fuck, come out - all four pussy ladies!


- Little Red Riding Hood, I'll eat you! Kill, fuck and eat. That is, no: fuck, kill and eat ... Yes, yes! Exactly: first fuck, then kill, and then eat. Or not: at first I will kill all the same! Dead fuck. And fuck eat? No: better kill, eat - and all that remains is fuck ... Damn! What is there to fuck? !! There is nothing to eat! Just kill and fuck ... Ugh, that is, eat! Fuck yourself - reservations! Kill and eat. Kill and eat. Kill and eat ... NO !!! Fuck !!! Fuck, kill and eat! Fuckin Kill you! And eat !!! Fuckin Kill you! And eat !!! Remember? !! Fuckin Kill you! And eat !!! SHOOT, FUCK !!! THE FAMOUS DEAD SHAPE !!! YOBANU MY ME RTVU RED STEEP SHAKE !!!! SHAPE REMOVED RED! YOBANU SHAPE !!! Caps! RED! RED! Fucking red !!! I'll kill you! Kill your hat !!! You eat and fuck - and kill your hat! Have you heard? !! I'll paint you, fuck, kill and eat! Hat ... CAP, FUCK! .. Bitch. Budyonovka ragged. PILOT PAINTED !!! KILLED. SUSPENDED MUSHROOM. AND SHOOT FUCKING. Take off the cap! Pilot eat !!!!! AAAAAAAAA !!! DEAD PILOT - WHAT ARE YOU SILENT? !! WHY ARE YOU KEEPING SILENT?!! DO NOT WANT TO DIE? !!!!! And here I am you ... - Andrei Romanovich, what's up with you? !! You screamed in a dream ... If a woman says that she hates you, she loves you, but you are a goat! The intellectual will never say "onanist"! He will say - MASSAGE OF HORSE! Astrologer Council: Uranus in the eighth house - call the Ministry of Emergency Situations! Women are very strange creatures. They cover the bruises under the eyes and spread them over the eyes. Based on modern Russian pops, the Vatican predicted that the arrival of the Antichrist is expected at the seventh or eighth "Factory" ... Yesterday Katya was noticed in connections defaming the word "sex". George Bush found a way to bring American troops into all countries of the world — he declared war on the Gypsies. In Russian football, in addition to the judge, a new position has been introduced - the executioner. The best contraceptive is brains! Pope became a producer and made the film “Driver for the Catholic Faith”. We have a cool supermarket. We even have rats with carts running around. Power button electric windows ... Instead of tea "Cheerfulness" in the sale went new tea "Greed". All twenty-five bags are tied to one string. Intelligence is what allows a person to do without a mat, if circumstances allow. This is not gender discrimination, but heterosexuality.


On the radio, a program is called by a man at the request of the listeners: - I am on a business trip ... I want to say hello to my wife, mother-in-law, father-in-law, three kids and ask them to put a song for them performed by Valery Kipelov "I am free"!


- Give me a jar of honey! - Where is he from us? We are treating the sick! - What do you have written on the door: << First-aid post >> ?!


Wedding in Kazakh: summer, heat, flies ... In short, the walls are covered with shit - and then all the flies cling to the walls, and not one on the table!


So that people do not throw out a new disc of Dima Bilan immediately after listening, he placed on it the schedule of electric trains, a ruler and a calendar for 2006 ...


PE in the Russian Air Force! It turns out that to somehow earn some money, Russian pilots bombed at night.


- What have you done to help the World Wildlife Organization? - I killed 50-60 poachers ...


- Why was the communist subbotnik so important? - Because the Communists themselves, because of their religious convictions, could not work on Saturday ...


From life. The patronymic means different ones ... Once I go to the reception of the big chief and hear the secretary say to someone on the phone: - Did you write everything down? Yes ... Yes ... Yes, but not Pidarasovich, but Mudarovichovich ...


Two friends are looking at photos of men ... One asks: - Would you give this to me? - Gave! - And this? - And this would have given! - And this? - Not! I won't get him a face, either ...


- And Lyokha and I, in the New Year, overestimated our strength ... And we went into the forest for 50 kilometers! - By ski?! - On amphetamines !!!


- My God - it must be done, it has managed ... It is truly said - the love of evil. Unclean unshaven erysipelas, thick hairy belly, crooked legs. Splash, dandruff. Ugh. But I love, I love. What a misfortune ... Ivan spat again and walked away from the mirror.


From life. After an accidental mating with a former single-mate, one of my acquaintances uttered a phrase, after which everyone simply lay down: - But before she didn't even let me write off ...


Chief: - Did what I asked you yesterday? - Yes, somehow passed by the ears ... - Then today you will pass by the ticket office!


Do you want to work? Ask me how. The policeman.


It's amazing - but there are such days when you roll over 50 times a night. And all for some 200 dollars.


- How to get rid of dandruff in an intimate place? - First make sure your dandruff is ...


At a street rock concert. The guy with the girl are almost at the very embankment. Themselves short. The guy offers the girl: - Get on my neck and sit there! Exclamation from the crowd: - All my life!


A saleswoman on the market puts on some kind of sweater, or a sweater with the words: - Well, this is not China, not Korea. This is ours, Moscow. True, underground production ...


A local resident tried to escape from the zone of the Chernobyl nuclear power plant ... A detachment opened fire on the intruder. On the body of the detainee, soldiers nasch itali 12 holes. Fortunately, they were all anal.


In the shuttle bus. - The driver! Please stop near the traffic lights! Oh, and can I jump out here? - Wait, I will accelerate stronger ...


Two men roll out of the tavern. - We are going to the women! - Yes, no, listen - my wife is young, beautiful ... - OK! Understood ... We are going to you ...


Office, the end of the day. The lady turns off the computer, folds the paper, gets up and goes to the ladies' room, singing: "And finally, I LOOK LIKE ...".


The teenager went on holidays to Holland. Calls home. Mom is worried that the boy did not buy anything for herself. It should be a dialogue: - Son, where are you now? - I went to the store. - Buy yourself something there. - Mom - here only marijuana and rubber members ...


At the university, near the blackboard with the schedule, there are two lovely girls, one gives: “Well, fuck your mother ... And for what dick some freak put us in the fourth pair CULTUROLOGY ?!


- Hello, dear, what do you like more - bananas or peaches? - Are you in the market? - No, in the pharmacy.


Immediately after the blowjob done, the girlfriend pronounces to her boyfriend: - Not only did you not quit smoking anasha, so you also quietly go onanism? - Honey, why did you get this? !! - So you have a member of marijuana smells!


From life. Torn gum. It's a sad thing - but at how to look. She rolled, it means a ring - well, and hangs around what urgently had to take out. Then my friend looked at it and gives out: - Hmm, it looks like a wedding ...


The fisherman is sitting on the beach with a fishing rod ... A man runs up to him: - Have you seen a blonde in a blue skirt here? - Yes, 10 minutes ago I was here ... - Excellent - then I’ll probably catch up with her! - Yes, for nehuy do - the flow here is so-so ...


But Varfolomeevskaya night for someone was a marriage ... Every woman dreams of a respectable husband, and a respectable husband — of a playful mistress. Morality is the way a person behaves as if he were not a pig. He graduated with honors from a school for mentally retarded children ... Still, the gender difference is obvious! The expression "damn esthete" means not at all that "aesthetic damn ..." It is difficult to see a self-valuable person in a man whom he put on a pot fifteen years ago. Компьютерная мышь, как и женская грудь, не должна быть большой или маленькой - она должна идеально помещаться в мужскую руку. Огонёк лазерного прицела. Тонкий намёк на твоё превосходство. Сколько ни приводила жена домой любовников, сколько ни прятала их в шкаф и под кровать - а муж из командировки так и не вернулся... Если ходить по Тюмени ночью, стучаться в двери жителей и спрашивать куда идти, если заблудился - то 100% ответят: "Иди на хуй!!!". Ваша киска купила бы писку. Если мужчина соглашается с женщиной - то либо он её любит, либо ему похуй...


Президент начинает общение с народом: "Всем чмоки в этом чате!".


Влился в новый коллектив... Особенно понравилась их традиция: любое замечание шефа считается тостом.


- Вы любите детей? - Конечно! Я восемь лет за это отсидел.


- Дорогой - я хочу, чтобы ты меня поцеловал в трёх местах!!! - В каких?! - На Канарах, в Ялте и в Париже!!!


Русские, разгромив Наполеона, стояли в Париже всего три дня - и с тех пор во Франции сотни кафе под нахванием "Бистро"... Немцы были в России почти три года - но у нас нет НИ ОДНОГО кафе под названием "Шнель".


- Владик, ты школьник? - Нет, ещё садист... Я в садик хожу!


- У тебя какое зрение? - Минус пять. - Холодно, наверное?


- Посоветуй, что купить жене на день рождения? - А не проще ли тебе спросить у неё? - Ну... Таких денег у меня нет...


- По кочкам, по кочкам, по маленьким дорожкам, в ямку бух! По кочкам, по ко чкам, по маленьким дорожкам, в ямку бух! - А гробовщик-то у нас затейник!


Новости из зоопарка: Дана Борисова пол часа разговаривала с кенгуру, доказывая ей, что такие сумочки уже не носят.


- Что такое сверхзвуковая скорость? - Это когда в интеллигентном споре, не успев услышать ни одного худого слова, уже получаешь в ухо...


На телевидении выходит первый выпуск "Спокойной ночи малыши". В то время его ведут дядя Володя, ёжик и медуза. Но со временем от медузы пришлось отказаться, потому что дети боялись руки в целлофановом пакете.


- А давайте Машку разыграем и вместо лимонада ей в стакан водки нальём! - А давайте лучше меня так разыграем!


Когда блондинки говорят об умном, у меня возникает то же чувство, что и при виде моей кошки, пьющей из унитаза: вроде бы ничего противозаконного не происходит, но наблюдать это слегка неловко.


Звонок в турагентство. - Вы Египет продаёте?.. - Да, конечно продаём... - Скажите, а какие курорты там есть? - Шарм-эль-Шейх, Хургада, Таба, Нувейба... - Во, стоп - Нувейба, точно Нувейба подходит мне! - Когда вы собираетесь поехать? - А нет, мы тут кроссворд разгадываем, спасибо вам - Нувейба подходит...


Надпись внутри мужского обручального кольца: "Этот редкий дятел был пойман и окольцован в Москве в 1995 году".


- Я ради своей пить бросил! - Да ладно... - Ага... Теперь одна пьёт!


- Милая, что тебе подарить? - Пофиг что, лишь бы коробка автомат!


Из анкеты для приёма на работу в США: "Поставьте здесь галочку, если вы слепой".


Из жизни. Магазин, парень покупает рюкзак. Интересуется у продавца: - А какая у вас гарантия на рюкзаки? На что следует возмущённый ответ: - Какая вам может быть гарантия?! А если вы в первом же походе со скалы сорвётесь?!


- Да-да, я вас слушаю. - Упырь. Ты ведь не хочешь, чтобы мы украли твою машину и сожгли квартиру? - Нет, не хочу... - Тогда пришли "не хочу" на номер 4242.


- Сань, а, Сань - ты вчера новости смотрел? - Нет, у меня телевизор сдох. - Прости, Саня - я не знал...


- А чего это здесь дорога так густо заплёвана? - Роте солдат кошка дорогу перебежала!


Жена говорит мужу: - Я наконец-то приучила кота ходить в туалет на газету! - Хорошо бы ещё научить его ждать, пока я её дочитаю...


Идёт с работы девушка через парк. Налетели отморозки, сумочку, мобильник отняли, её избили и изнасиловали. Она встаёт, шарит по карманам, достаёт календарь, долго задумчиво смотрит в него и аж светлеет: - Ну правильно, блять! Луна в Скорпионе!


- Трава - не наркотик. слышишь трава, ты не наркотик... - Да слышу-слышу - я не наркотик...


У проститутки после работы спрашивают: - Ну как дела? - Ай! Заебали!


Мужик делает дырку для гардины. Перфоратором. Шум, грохот, пыль... В комнату заходит тёща и спрашивает: - Что, сынок - гардину вешаешь? Мужик поворачивается: - Ну хули ты орёшь, старая?! Ребёнок же спит!!!


Фирма "Фишер" совершила технологический прорыв в изготовлении беговых лыж - самосмазывающиеся лыжи. Начинать, правда, бег тяжело - но по мере того, как вы приближаетесь к финишу, смазка улучшается... Только есть побочный эффект - на финише они начинают вибрировать и издавать странные звуки...


- Девушка, дайте Лондон... - А как тебя звать? - Вася... - А работаешь кем? - Токарем... - Так вот хуй тебе! Пизди с Урюпинском...


В шикарную уборную ресторана входит, чтобы напудрить свой носик, молодая стройная женщина, внимательно рассматривает себя в зеркале, целует своё изображение: - Спасибо тебе, Актимель от Данон! Через несколько мгновений входит ещё одна симпатичная блондинка, разглядывает с удовлетворением свою фигуру и молвит: - Кока-Кола Лайт - ты чудо! Неожиданно широко распахиваются двери и в уборную, с трудом протиснувшись в дверях, вваливается широкозадая дама, срывает с себя туфель и запускает им в зеркало: - Да пошел ты на хуй, Макдональдс!


Жизнь не удалась, но попытку засчитали. В последнее время всё чаще убеждаюсь, что пьяная баба - ничему не хозяйка... Чем больше крутишься - тем больше налог с оборота... Девушки! Чтобы будущий муж вам не изменял, выходите замуж за импотента. Лучше ощущать на себе власть секса, чем секс власти. Сгоряча можно только глупости отморозить. Хочу большой и чистой негритянки... Это не беда, если кто-то хочет отнять у тебя счастье. Беда, если ты ни с кем не можешь им поделиться. Чем меньше остаётся зубов, тем больше каждому достаётся зубной пасты. В Интернете появился корейский вирус. Он попадает к вам в почту и съедает собаку. На самом деле 90% женщин симулируют восторг на концертах Баскова. Некоторые люди - дуры. Если вам говорят, что вы многогранная личность не обольщайтесь. Может, они имеют в виду, что вы гад, подонок и паразит одновременно! Плохих девочек надо шлёпать по попе... животом!


К девушке: - Да таких, как ты, я из инета гигами качаю!


Если жена икает - заткни уши. Икание прекратится...


У многих людей жизнь пуста. А у меня полна. Лишений...


По закону Украины, народный депутат не может заниматься какой-либо другой деятельностью, приносящей ему доход. Вывод: он легко может работать врачом, учителем или библиотекарем.


Фотофиниш показал, что первой финишной ленты коснулась грудью бегунья из Бразилии, отстававшая от лидера на 1,5 метра.


В Курске прошёл концерт "Рок против наркотиков". В концерте приняли участие группы Ария, Чайф, ДДТ... Против них были: Катя Лель, Дима Билан и Стас Пьеха.


Скандал на Олимпиаде. Монгольский фехтовальщик был дисквалифицирован за то, что перед поединком мазал шпагу ядом.


Подозрительную сумку, забытую в метро, обнаружил гражданин Н. После того, как подоспевшие милиционеры извлекли из неё банку чёрной икры и пачку долларов - он не выдержал и взял вину на себя.