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My Blog: Jokes jokes jokes stories

Talk two girlfriends. "How could you call me a fool at all ?!" - Sorry, you did not warn that you are hiding ...


Father Vovochka: - Did you fix the other two? - I fixed it! - Come on, show me! - Here! - Well, who corrects so ?! Give me here!


At the buffet dinner the wife - her husband: - Are not you ashamed ?! You've already been running around with a plate for food ten times! Not ashamed?! - No - I said it was for you ...


"Papa, what is a woman's womb?" - Kgm ... Well, this is such a thing between their legs ... - And we will now go to the bosom of nature - that means, in this thing ?!


From life. Our elks (children's toys) came off the horns. After a dozen unsuccessful attempts to force me to paste them, my wife sits - attach them myself. I pass by - and without any thought behind it: - My dear, what are you doing here? And she told me, with an iron note in her voice: - Yes, here ... first I'll practice on elk ...


The husband and wife are lying in bed: - Dear, come on. - Leave it. - You know, women fuck hunting. - And I'm not a woman, I do not want to ...


- First, fuck! - Dantes happily said, blowing into the barrel of the pistol. "Malaylet dalbaiop," whispered Pushkin weakly, sagging sagging into the snow ...


- Daughter, are you ready? "Now, Mummy, I'll take only Fubly." "Whom?" The daughter takes out of the room and shows her mother an incredibly disgusting doll - a terrible, freakish and foul-smelling doll. Mother, involuntarily: - Oh, fuck! "That's what dad called her!"


- I do not go past the circus. The clowns are pissing me off. - Cho - seriously? - No, fuck - with jokes!


Dear parents! Do not give your daughters names: Karina, Ilona, ​​Alina, Christina, Veronica ... There are so many of them on the panel!


- Mash, Cho for the new pihar you have appeared? "Yes, this ... like him ... a sculptor!" But I sent it already fucking ... Estimate - at first said that I have an ass classroom - and then he wanted to carve me ... Sadist, fuck!


- Speak articulately! And in general - or blow job, or talk ...


- Saying "I love" - ​​crying, saying "I do not love" - ​​also crying ... Okay - we'll fuck silently!


Ask an old bachelor: - How much you will hang out without a family! Is not it time to get married ?! He replies: "I do not need this thing!" I have two sisters who care about me and give me absolutely everything I need ... - Well, okay, but sisters will never replace your good wife, having sex with them is a big sin! - Why ?! These are not my sisters!


From life. Evening. I sit at home, I wait for the husband, I prepare a supper. His friend calls: "He touched you a little - maybe you'll pick him up at the office, until you fall asleep?" Evil, I run to the car. The husband's office is 15 minutes from the house. I leave, dial his mobile: - Lubimayaaaaaa! all hrrshooo! I'm not drunk! not! Well, a bit ... I'm talking his teeth, so as not to fall asleep, because: (a) FIG wake; b) FIG drag to the car - more than 100 kg of live weight. I fly to the 2 nd floor, into the office, while the mobile phone does not turn it off. Imagine: I'm wicked, disheveled, in an apron over clothes, with a phone in my hand in the manner of grenades ... I was hatched with hatred by three sooooooooooooooooooooooooo ... And my husband cooing into the phone: - Kisonyka, zainka, you I have the best, kind, beautiful, nobody needs me except you ... Feeling confusion of colleagues, he looks up, looks at me, at the receiver, again at me - throws up the phone and gives out: - Darling - this is not what You thought, I'll explain everything to you now !!!


When my wife says: "My God, I'm bored with you!" - I always stand up for him. If the soldier who does not dream of becoming a general is bad, then that general who does not dream of becoming a dictator is bad. If in the eyes of the interlocutor the interest has frozen - means, he has ceased to understand you. The slogan of the travel agency: << We will let you through the world! >>. Came the girls, stand on the sidelines, papillae in the hands of teasing ... To spend the evening in the company of two beautiful girls, you need one ugly girl and a bottle of vodka! Have you ever wondered why Americans, hinting at a well-known body, show only the middle finger, and the Russians - a hand to the elbow? ... Back in school, when in the notebooks they stopped adding blots, I realized that the country was falling apart. Do you think Lomonosov was born so clever? It was he, while he was going to Moscow for the convoy, he listened to it on the way ... Health is when everything hurts, but still there are forces not to go to the doctor. A wig-on-dick is a woman's haircut on the pubis. Slight demand for a woman, if little knows the poses. If in a dispute between a man and a woman He sends her to fuck, and She's his pussy - then maybe their paths will cross!


- Girl, and who are you working for? - A promoter in a large company. "Are you squandering money?"


"Love takes a third of my life." And the other two-thirds - "Well, do not, well, you're like a fool, then stop ...".


- Well, beautiful - went to ride! "A man, it's good to be fooled, we pay for travel!"


- My husband is Sagittarius, so I gave him a gun for his birthday. - And my husband - Fish, I'll give him an aquarium! - And my husband is Capricorn ...


It's good to eat chicken together: you and the chicken!


- Imagine, my girl's shoes are 46th size ... - She that - you and put cotton wool there ?!


The peasant jumped with a parachute and descended to the ground ... An eagle flies by: "Greetings to the dancers!" Parachutist: - I'm not a dancer, I'm a paratrooper! Eagle: - Hey, man - down there. SUCH COCTES !!! Abilities will come instantly ...


From an advertising leaflet: "Our company has a great experience meeting new millennia."


- Ask at least my wife, and she will confirm to you that I do this 5 times a night! Yes Yes exactly! I always had a weak bladder ...


Two pensioners, waiting for a doctor's appointment, are talking: - These doctors write like a chicken with a paw! In recipes, nothing is impossible to make out! - That's good! I, according to my recipe, went free of charge in a tram for a year, I went to the opera house for six months, and now I have received an increase to my pension!


- Sister, write: the operation was successful ... - But after all the patient died ?! - And it was not necessary to wrestle!


- Is it possible to achieve a tax deduction with the help of birth control pills? - Only if they were ineffective ...


From the speech of the head physician of the hospital: - Visitors climb to the sick through a window of the sixth floor. Therefore, there are fewer and fewer visitors, and more and more patients ...


From the medical card: "Ill Ivanov." He acted with venereal disease, was discharged with a concussion. "


Bar, working TV. There is an advertisement of the women's pads: - These are the only gaskets that breathe ... The peasant, breaking off from the glass: - What do they breathe, the poor ?!


Little is known about this, but the First Epistle of Paul the Apostle to the Corinthians began with the words: "Good afternoon, do not throw this letter, it's not spam."


- Salutes, Mozzik! "Soldiers, Salierik!" Poison me today with the brandy Hennessy !?


Scientists found a child brought up by spammers. He can croak at the same time in thousands of pots ...


"Doctor, what shall I do?" I'm so scary that everyone faints from me! ... - Doctor! What's wrong with you?!!!


- Girl! You're busy? "You see yourself busy!" But anal is still free!


The spider was asked what the meaning of life is. Poured such a fuck ....


- Vovochka! Mom said that you today called Mary Stepanovna a fool? - Dda ... - Sonny, maybe you're right - but this does not have to be told to the grandmother ...


- Can you imagine? Now on the street to me the boor stuck! - What about you? Again, did not say anything and left? - And what? My grandfather taught me to kill only as much as you can eat ...


"Why do not you eat the cake?" Are you afraid to get in a dress? "I'll get into the dress, but in the elevator ..."


- Doctor, write me Viagra ... - And what, problems? - Yes, the doctor - to work is not necessary. - For work, however, it is better to use petroleum jelly ...


- Yes, what kind of peasants can you have a crisis? You something to worry about? Do you have the same boobs never hanging!


Husband: - You see - the freaks are sitting? Wife: - Why freaks? Ordinary men - they sit, they drink ... You do not even know them. "I do not like their eyes!" - Eyes like eyes ... - Yes? Now I'll come up and ask you to pour - you'll see what kind of eyes they'll look at me - freaks!


A new kind of tailed women was brought out by Russian geneticists ... Now, when you plant her on the most eggs - her tail is a pipe.


Family scene. - Boring! - Am I the bore ?! - Yes, you are a bore! "And you ... and you ... and you married a bore, so it's your own fault!" - Well, I married a bore. And who married you then? Pause. - And I married a hysterical woman! Another pause. - Well, not on hysterical, I joked, do not be offended ... - No-ee-eet, in hysterics, in hysterics! AND NOW YOU STILL HAVE INVASED BY ME !!!


- Here you are sitting here, eating my bread, drinking my wine ... But one of you will betray me! There was an awkward silence. "And who is this Judas?" - asked John. - Yes, at least he! - The accusing finger pointed at the end of the table, - Pavel! All faces turned towards the pale Paul. "Well, Dad ..," muttered Pavlik Morozov, and swallowed. "Well, you're kidding me!"


The morning of February 15 in Russia - the Day of Blind Valentine. Make two trips to the zone and the third and fourth - to the government - get free! He who takes a risk justifiably, he drinks champagne, and whoever is unjustified - for that they drink vodka. The apartment is hard to sell - parents are always at home ... Vaseline still needs to be earned! Wife no longer seems so beautiful, as before? Look at the weightlifting competition among women. If the girl turns and leaves, then most likely - she wants to show how her buttocks play. True opponents of the death penalty are those who remain so even after neighbors buy karaoke. If you have lost your appetite, restore it at the halyard table. While some are waiting, when fate itself will put them in bed princess - others have long been fucking the queen. She was monstrously beautiful. All the monsters from her straight baldeli. Confidently you tell the lady that the second most terrible female vice is curiosity. What do you think she will hurry to ask? And a friendly firefight ensued between them. A true psychotherapist will not only help the patient get rid of the suffering associated with feeling his own insignificance, but also instill in him a sense of pride in her! If you buy a stool from us, then you will receive a rope and soap as a gift.


Two people are talking: - Look, there Chubais flew to rest with all his friends. "How did you guess?" - This is a single-seater ...


... Ivanov once again was preparing to become a dad - he moved out of the apartment and changed the number of the mobile phone.


The theme of the essay: "The image of the mother in sms-messages."


"Girls, watch!" I got a bottle of vodka!


A small market. A big guy with bare torsos and tattoos sells CDs. A dry, intelligent man comes up and shyly asks: "Do you have" The Sur "?" The face of the guy is distorted in an attempt to think, and he is surprised to ask: - And who is "Zek Jura"?


Thefts in especially large amounts continue in the Russian army. A serviceman detained the wounded directly from the battlefield.


- There the coffin sways crystal, and in that coffin the princess sleeps ... - Hey, what's he swinging if she's asleep?


"Madame, I have long wanted to offer you my hand and heart." "Monsieur, I have long wanted to deny you, but there was no reason ..."


- What's your name? - If affectionately and abbreviated - Oleg. - And completely? - Oleofrain.


From the dialogue in the metro: - At all, our Deputy Chief was conceited! - And what happened? - Yes, I'm sitting somehow in a jerk on the point, and he comes in, okay, he did not give his hand - he did not even nod!


- You can talk with Prosecutor General Ustinov? - He is having lunch. - By whom?


In Belarus, the fire department is disbanded ... It's not allowed to climb across the hell in the fire!


A lesson in theology. Father tries to convey to the students the thesis that in every man there is a spark of God ... Father: - God created man in his image and likeness to his ... What does this mean? Disciples: - The fact that God is a mammal from a detachment of primates ...


- Mom, and Mom, but can I get a message today? "All right, son, it will not be long." Do not go far, only to local knots, do not talk to strangers.


- How politically correct to call a loafer? - The philosopher. - And if you want to put it more forcefully? - Then the culturologist.


Put somehow the wicked stepmother Windоws 98 and Windоws XP in one folder, called Cinderella and said: - To the morning, both systems were on different folders ...


How many more unsolved mysteries of nature! For example, why, when the dog sits down to shit, does it necessarily rotate counter-clockwise?


"What's your name, remember?" Can you get up by yourself? - Why are you attached to the child? He still has not another year!


- Did you accidentally get a bear in your ear? - I have absolute hearing! - What does the rumor have to do with your eyes?


Kristina Orbakaite sings: "The world I live in is called a dream!" Yes, my God, my God - who would doubt it ?!


Bush should be tested by a lie detector. Before the procedure, when everything is ready, they explain to him: - We ask the question - you answer. If you answer honestly - a green light comes on, and lies - red. Clear? "I see," answers Bush. The red light comes on.


Some kind of orgy, all in pairs - only one guy lashes himself apart ... He is asked: - Are you a masochist? - No - a sadist, masturbating ...


"You stabbed me with a fork!" - Oh sorry! I thought, since my elbow is in my plate ...


Yesterday I finally understood what football is on the grass. This is when players slowly-slowly, on unimaginably complex trajectories run around the field, and at times stop and incendiary laugh.


A story from a woman ... Morning, I, he. Through the sleep I feel trying to wake me up not just so, but with a definite purpose. God, how you want to sleep! Displeased with the drum: "Will you wake me? ..." In response, cheerful and confident: "I will!".


"So then, I'm doing Tibe to Tibet, and you're doing it cleanly ?!"


- Why did your husband decide to do bodybuilding? - Bo dibyl, fuck ...


Night. Doorbell. A man wakes up and in a sleepy voice asks: "Who is there, ept?" From behind the door: - Jean Claude Van Damme! Man: - Now, fuck, I'll go - all four cunts will give!


"Little Red Riding Hood, I'll eat you!" I'll kill, fuck and eat. That is, no: fuck, kill and eat ... Yes, yes! Precisely: first fuck, then kill, and then eat or not: first all the same I'll kill! Dead fucked. A fucking eat ?! No: I'd rather kill, eat - and all that remains - fuck ... Fuck! What the fuck ?! Here and there is nothing to eat! Just kill and fuck ... Ugh, that is eat! Hurting yourself - reservations! I'll kill and eat. I'll kill and eat. I'll kill and eat ... NO !!! Fuck! Fuck, I'll kill and eat! Fuck! I'll kill you! And eat! Fuck! I'll kill you! And eat! Remember? !! Fuck! I'll kill you! And eat! SHED, FUCK !!! THE PICKED MERT JACQUER !!! YOUNG ME RTVO RED SHEEP SHOOT !!!! SHAPE TO REMOVE RED! YOUNG SHAPE !!! HATCH! RED! RED! YOUNG RED !!! I'll kill you! I'll kill your hat !!! I'll eat you and fuck you - and I'll kill your hat !!! Have you heard? !! I'll paint you, fuck you, kill you and eat! A cap ... SHAPE, FUCK! .. Bitch. Budyonovka is a tattered one. PILOT CRYSTAL !!! KILL. LOOKING FOR THE DEATH. AND REMOVING THE FREAK. Remove the cap! I'll eat your drill !!!!! AAAAAAAAA !!! THE DEAD PILOT - WHAT ARE YOU SILENT? !! WHY ARE YOU KEEPING SILENT?!! DID NOT YOU WANT? !!!!! And THAT I AM YOU ... - Andrey Romanovich, what's wrong with you ?! You were yelling in a dream ... If a woman says she hates you, then she loves, but you're a goat! An intellectual will never say "mongrel"! He will say - MASSAGE OF HOSES! Council of the astrologer: Uranus in the eighth house - call the MOE! Women are very strange creatures. They cover the bruises under the eyes and spread them over the eyes. Based on modern Russian pop music, the Vatican predicted that the arrival of antichrist is expected at the seventh to eighth "Factory" ... Yesterday, Katya was seen in connections discrediting the word "sex". George Bush found a way to introduce American troops to all countries of the world - he declared war on the Roma. In Russian football, in addition to the judge, a new position was introduced - the executioner. The best contraceptive is the brain! The Pope became a producer and directed the film "Driver for the Catholic Faith". We have a cool supermarket. We even have rats with trolleys running around. Hydraulic booster power button ... Instead of tea "Cheerfulness" for sale received a new tea "Greed". All twenty-five packets are tied to one rope. Intelligence is what allows a person to do without a mat, if circumstances permit. This is not discrimination based on gender, but heterosexuality.


On the radio, in the program, the guy calls from the requests of the listeners: - I'm on a business trip ... I want to say hello to my wife, mother-in-law, father-in-law, three kids and ask them to sing a song performed by Valery Kipelov "I'm free"!


"Give me a jar of honey!" "Where do we get it from ?!" We treat the sick! - And what do you have on the door: "First-aid post" ?!


Wedding in Kazakh: summer, heat, flies ... In short, the walls are smeared with shit - and then all the flies wallow on the walls, and on the table not a single one!


That people did not throw out the new CD of Dima Bilan immediately after listening, he posted on it a timetable of electric trains, a ruler and a calendar for 2006 ...


PE in the Russian Air Force! It turns out that in order to earn some money, Russian pilots were bombed at night.


- What did you do to help the World Wildlife Organization? - I killed 50 or 60 poachers ...


- Why was the Communists' subbotnik so important? - Because the Communists themselves, because of religious beliefs, could not work on Saturday ...


From life. Patronymics, then, there are different ... I go somehow to the reception of the big boss and I hear the secretary say to someone on the phone: - You wrote everything down? Yes ... Yes ... Yes, only not Pidarasovich, but Mudarisovich ...


Two friends are looking at photos of men ... One asks: - And would you give this? - She gave it! "And this?" "And I would give it to her!" "And this?" - Not! I do not even get it to him ...


- And we with Lyokha che-something in the New Year overestimated their strength ... And went to the forest for 50 kilometers! - By ski?! - On amphetamines !!!


- Lord - it must be, managed to ... It is rightly said - the love of evil. Poganyj an unshaven erypsipelas, a fat hairy abdomen, crooked legs. Baldness, dandruff. Ugh. But I do, I love. That's what a misfortune is ... Ivan again spat and walked away from the mirror.


From life. After an accidental mating with a former classmate, a friend of mine spoke a phrase, after which everyone just lay down: - But before that she even did not give me a write-off ...


Head: - Did what I asked you yesterday? - Yes, somehow passed by the ears ... - Then today you'll pass by the cash register!


Do not want to work? Ask me how. The policeman.


It's amazing - but there are days when overnight you turn 50 times. And all for some $ 200.


- How to get rid of dandruff in an intimate place? - First, make sure that your dandruff ...


At a street concert of rock music. The guy and the girl are standing near the embankment. The smallest ones. The guy offers the girl: - Climb my neck and sit there! Exclamation from the crowd: - All my life!


The seller in the market vparivaet some kind of a sweater, or a sweater with the words: - Well, it's not China, not Korea any. This is ours, Moscow. True, underground production ...


A local resident tried to escape from the cordon of the Chernobyl nuclear power plant ... Zagradotryad opened fire on the perpetrator. On the body of the detainee, the soldiers nachal had 12 holes. Fortunately, they all turned out to be anal.


In the minibus. - The driver! Stop, please, near the traffic lights! Oh, but can I come out here? "Wait, I'll be stronger than I can ..."


Two men are rolling out of the tavern. - We go to the women! - Yes, do not, listen - my wife is young, beautiful ... - OK! I understand ... We're coming to you ...


Office, the end of the day. The lady turns off the computer, folds the papers, gets up and goes to the ladies' room, singing: "And at the end I SHALL go ...".


The teenager went on vacation to Holland. It calls home. Mom worries that the boy did not buy anything for himself. There is a dialogue: - Sonny, where are you now? - I went to the store. "Buy yourself something there." - Mom - there's only marijuana and rubber members ...


At the university, near the board with a schedule, there are two lovely girls, one gives out: - Well, fuck your mother ... And for what dick some freak put us the fourth pair CULTUROLOGY ?!


"Hello, honey, what do you like more: bananas or peaches?" "Are you in the market?" - No, in the pharmacy.


Immediately after the blowjob, the girlfriend pronounces her boyfriend: - Not only did you not quit smoking anasha, so you're still quietly masturbating? "My dear, where did you get this from?" - So you have a member of marijuana smells!


From life. The elastic was torn. It's a sad thing - but how to look at it. She rolled, it means that the ringlet - well, hangs around the fact that it was necessary to take it out urgently. Then my friend looked at it and said: - Hmm, the wedding seems ...


The fisherman sits on the shore with a fishing rod ... A man runs up to him: - Have you seen a blonde in a blue skirt here? - Yes, 10 minutes ago here was ... - Excellent - then I'll probably catch up with her! - Yes, for naughty to do - the current is so-so ...


But after all, the night of the St. Bartholomew for some was marital ... Every woman dreams of a respectable husband, and a respectable husband - about a playful mistress. Morality is the way a person behaves as if he were not a pig. He graduated with honors from a school for mentally retarded children ... Still, the difference between the sexes is obvious! The expression "fucking esthete" does not mean at all that "aesthetic whore" ... It's hard to see a self-worthy person in a man who was planted on a pot fifteen years ago. A computer mouse, like a woman's chest, should not be large or small - it should fit perfectly into the man's hand. The flare of the laser sight. A subtle hint of your superiority. Сколько ни приводила жена домой любовников, сколько ни прятала их в шкаф и под кровать - а муж из командировки так и не вернулся... Если ходить по Тюмени ночью, стучаться в двери жителей и спрашивать куда идти, если заблудился - то 100% ответят: "Иди на хуй!!!". Ваша киска купила бы писку. Если мужчина соглашается с женщиной - то либо он её любит, либо ему похуй...


Президент начинает общение с народом: "Всем чмоки в этом чате!".


Влился в новый коллектив... Особенно понравилась их традиция: любое замечание шефа считается тостом.


- Вы любите детей? - Of course! Я восемь лет за это отсидел.


- Дорогой - я хочу, чтобы ты меня поцеловал в трёх местах!!! - В каких?! - На Канарах, в Ялте и в Париже!!!


Русские, разгромив Наполеона, стояли в Париже всего три дня - и с тех пор во Франции сотни кафе под нахванием "Бистро"... Немцы были в России почти три года - но у нас нет НИ ОДНОГО кафе под названием "Шнель".


- Владик, ты школьник? - Нет, ещё садист... Я в садик хожу!


- What is your vision? - Minus five. "It's cold, probably?"


- Посоветуй, что купить жене на день рождения? - А не проще ли тебе спросить у неё? - Ну... Таких денег у меня нет...


- По кочкам, по кочкам, по маленьким дорожкам, в ямку бух! По кочкам, по ко чкам, по маленьким дорожкам, в ямку бух! - А гробовщик-то у нас затейник!


Новости из зоопарка: Дана Борисова пол часа разговаривала с кенгуру, доказывая ей, что такие сумочки уже не носят.


- Что такое сверхзвуковая скорость? - Это когда в интеллигентном споре, не успев услышать ни одного худого слова, уже получаешь в ухо...


На телевидении выходит первый выпуск "Спокойной ночи малыши". В то время его ведут дядя Володя, ёжик и медуза. Но со временем от медузы пришлось отказаться, потому что дети боялись руки в целлофановом пакете.


- А давайте Машку разыграем и вместо лимонада ей в стакан водки нальём! - А давайте лучше меня так разыграем!


Когда блондинки говорят об умном, у меня возникает то же чувство, что и при виде моей кошки, пьющей из унитаза: вроде бы ничего противозаконного не происходит, но наблюдать это слегка неловко.


Call the travel agency. - Вы Египет продаёте?.. - Да, конечно продаём... - Скажите, а какие курорты там есть? - Шарм-эль-Шейх, Хургада, Таба, Нувейба... - Во, стоп - Нувейба, точно Нувейба подходит мне! "When are you going to go?" - А нет, мы тут кроссворд разгадываем, спасибо вам - Нувейба подходит...


Надпись внутри мужского обручального кольца: "Этот редкий дятел был пойман и окольцован в Москве в 1995 году".


- Я ради своей пить бросил! - Да ладно... - Ага... Теперь одна пьёт!


- Милая, что тебе подарить? - Пофиг что, лишь бы коробка автомат!


Из анкеты для приёма на работу в США: "Поставьте здесь галочку, если вы слепой".


From life. Магазин, парень покупает рюкзак. Интересуется у продавца: - А какая у вас гарантия на рюкзаки? На что следует возмущённый ответ: - Какая вам может быть гарантия?! А если вы в первом же походе со скалы сорвётесь?!


- Да-да, я вас слушаю. - Упырь. Ты ведь не хочешь, чтобы мы украли твою машину и сожгли квартиру? - Нет, не хочу... - Тогда пришли "не хочу" на номер 4242.


- Сань, а, Сань - ты вчера новости смотрел? - Нет, у меня телевизор сдох. - Прости, Саня - я не знал...


- А чего это здесь дорога так густо заплёвана? - Роте солдат кошка дорогу перебежала!


Жена говорит мужу: - Я наконец-то приучила кота ходить в туалет на газету! - Хорошо бы ещё научить его ждать, пока я её дочитаю...


Идёт с работы девушка через парк. Налетели отморозки, сумочку, мобильник отняли, её избили и изнасиловали. Она встаёт, шарит по карманам, достаёт календарь, долго задумчиво смотрит в него и аж светлеет: - Ну правильно, блять! Луна в Скорпионе!


- Трава - не наркотик. слышишь трава, ты не наркотик... - Да слышу-слышу - я не наркотик...


У проститутки после работы спрашивают: - Ну как дела? - Ай! Заебали!


A man makes a hole for the curtain. Перфоратором. Шум, грохот, пыль... В комнату заходит тёща и спрашивает: - Что, сынок - гардину вешаешь? Мужик поворачивается: - Ну хули ты орёшь, старая?! Ребёнок же спит!!!


Фирма "Фишер" совершила технологический прорыв в изготовлении беговых лыж - самосмазывающиеся лыжи. Начинать, правда, бег тяжело - но по мере того, как вы приближаетесь к финишу, смазка улучшается... Только есть побочный эффект - на финише они начинают вибрировать и издавать странные звуки...


- Девушка, дайте Лондон... - А как тебя звать? - Вася... - А работаешь кем? - Токарем... - Так вот хуй тебе! Пизди с Урюпинском...


В шикарную уборную ресторана входит, чтобы напудрить свой носик, молодая стройная женщина, внимательно рассматривает себя в зеркале, целует своё изображение: - Спасибо тебе, Актимель от Данон! Через несколько мгновений входит ещё одна симпатичная блондинка, разглядывает с удовлетворением свою фигуру и молвит: - Кока-Кола Лайт - ты чудо! Неожиданно широко распахиваются двери и в уборную, с трудом протиснувшись в дверях, вваливается широкозадая дама, срывает с себя туфель и запускает им в зеркало: - Да пошел ты на хуй, Макдональдс!


Жизнь не удалась, но попытку засчитали. В последнее время всё чаще убеждаюсь, что пьяная баба - ничему не хозяйка... Чем больше крутишься - тем больше налог с оборота... Девушки! Чтобы будущий муж вам не изменял, выходите замуж за импотента. Лучше ощущать на себе власть секса, чем секс власти. Сгоряча можно только глупости отморозить. Хочу большой и чистой негритянки... Это не беда, если кто-то хочет отнять у тебя счастье. Беда, если ты ни с кем не можешь им поделиться. Чем меньше остаётся зубов, тем больше каждому достаётся зубной пасты. В Интернете появился корейский вирус. Он попадает к вам в почту и съедает собаку. На самом деле 90% женщин симулируют восторг на концертах Баскова. Некоторые люди - дуры. Если вам говорят, что вы многогранная личность не обольщайтесь. Может, они имеют в виду, что вы гад, подонок и паразит одновременно! Плохих девочек надо шлёпать по попе... животом!


К девушке: - Да таких, как ты, я из инета гигами качаю!


Если жена икает - заткни уши. Икание прекратится...


У многих людей жизнь пуста. А у меня полна. Лишений...


По закону Украины, народный депутат не может заниматься какой-либо другой деятельностью, приносящей ему доход. Вывод: он легко может работать врачом, учителем или библиотекарем.


Фотофиниш показал, что первой финишной ленты коснулась грудью бегунья из Бразилии, отстававшая от лидера на 1,5 метра.


В Курске прошёл концерт "Рок против наркотиков". В концерте приняли участие группы Ария, Чайф, ДДТ... Против них были: Катя Лель, Дима Билан и Стас Пьеха.


Скандал на Олимпиаде. Монгольский фехтовальщик был дисквалифицирован за то, что перед поединком мазал шпагу ядом.


Подозрительную сумку, забытую в метро, обнаружил гражданин Н. После того, как подоспевшие милиционеры извлекли из неё банку чёрной икры и пачку долларов - он не выдержал и взял вину на себя.