This page has been robot translated, sorry for typos if any. Original content here.

My Blog: Jokes jokes jokes stories

In the maternity home mixed with the children of Italian, Russian, German and Estonian. They began to understand: first Italian - went to the children and began to tasty spaghetti on the fork. Look - one child pulls the handle. Mother takes it. Next turn is German: - Heil Hitler! Looks, one also reacted. He takes his son. Then the Russian approaches and, without saying a word, takes one of the remaining children. Estonians: - And why is it you sabiraeus ito? Do you call it out again? Russian: - And because when the German said "Heil Hitler", I clenched my fists, and your crap!
This morning I usually do a light jog. Suddenly a cry from behind - uncle, uncle! I stop - I see a girl of 11-12 years with a Caucasian sheep dog rushing toward me, continuing to shout "uncle, uncle". I, thinking that something happened, I'm meeting. When there were 5 meters left before our meeting, the girl was able to say the phrase to the end: - Uncle, sorry, but she will bite you now !!! You did not deceive me ...
A new Russian comes to the store and asks the saleswoman: - And what do you have? - Apples. - Give me 10 kg and each individually wrap. "But we do not do it, and plus it will be more expensive." - I'll pay Poor saleswoman does the order. - And what is that you have there? - Oranges. - Weigh 10 kg and wrap each separately. - But it will be more expensive! "Nothing, I'll pay." Actions are repeated - And what is that you have there? - Raisins, but it is not for sale:
Somehow another Russian meets another new Russian: - Bro, do you have a six-hundred "Mercedes"? - No ... - A villa with a swimming pool? - No ... - And what can a yacht not? - No ... No, there's another new Russian coming up: - What are you, in kind, to the kid? Do not you see, it's still brand new!
There is a new Russian near the chic new four-story mansion. He rubs his tears down on his cheeks with pudent fists, blows his nose in Versace's neck scarf. Another new Russian comes up: - What are you roaring about, they are again pressing taxes? - No ... It's an orphanage built, tomorrow a presentation ... - Well, so orphaned, charity prestige is useful, what to be killed? ... - It's like that, but how can I be alone in this sort of house live, orphan-and-inushka ...
The trolleybus walks past the zoo, and a mother with a small son stands by the window. The next dialogue (loud, for the whole trolley bus): - Mom! Mama! Pa-aak! - Yes, son, park. - Mama! There ze-ei-ii! - Yes, small, there are animals. - Mama! There za-ya-yany! - Yes, baby, there are monkeys. - Mom mom! There fuck !!! And already in the complete silence of the crowded trolley bus the mother's voice trembling with laughter: "Yes, son, there is a camel."
A young Jewish woman comes to work for one bankrupt company, does not ask for salary ... is ready to work for the minimum percentage. Well, the firm has nothing to lose. take In a week the company's revenue increases tens of times ........ Gendir personally comes to see how the new employee works and sees such a picture .. - Here you need the hook ... (says the employee to the client) -and you have a line ? -No, -Then take this thicker ..... and you love with a fishing rod or spinning .. -tip -Then this one is best, but the fishing rod is better from the boat, do you have ?? - No, then take this two-seat rubber .. -good .. - Ba, and in what you all are lucky, you need a good trailer, it is universal, will this one suit you? -suits ........ - and to which machine will you cling? - Mercedes 600 - well, is this a car for fishing, you need a jeep, so that off-road, and at speed ... we have a lankruzer ... take it? - I take - from you 62 000 $ please go to the cashier. Approach the boss - That's a fine fellow, he started with the hook and so the fisherman untwisted - In fact, he went behind the gaskets for his wife, but I told him, if his wife is monthly, then he should do three days at home there is nothing
In the desert there are a donkey and ensign. The donkey asks: "Who are you?" The warrant officer looked around - no one was there. He says: - I'm an officer, and you? The donkey looked around - no one. He says: - And I'm a horse.
There is a lesson in the seminary. The priest asks: "Well, fools, who knows what" divine power "is? Silence. - So - the divine power is the work of the divine mass on the divine speed!
In Odessa, Izya died. Relatives decide how to be cheaper to report this sad event to relatives in Israel. Invented and sent a telegram "Izzy - all". A week later, a telegram comes back: "Oh."
Addict: - Hello! Ambulance?! We have a massive zablevanie after mushrooms! / Metall /
The man got the cat. He decided to leave the cat in the forest. I pushed the cat into the car and went into the forest ... After four hours the peasant calls his wife: - The cat returned from the forest? - Yes. A long time ago. "Give him the phone, I'm lost!"
"Man, give me a match!" - You are welcome. "Let's have a cigarette at the same time." - Nate. "Are they in a cigarette case?" Come on, and a cigarette case. - Kara-aul! - Yes, you have gold teeth? !!
In Moscow, the grandmother comes to the rubbish of a smoking addict and asks: "Sonny, how do you find Lenin's square?" "We must multiply the length of Lenin by the width of Lenin!"
Having received a deuce in computer science, Vovochka deleted the page and reformatted the diary.
Stutterer in the store: - Give pozhaluysto Hx .., xx .., x-x # th shot! Give the vodka!
"I hate hypocrites!" - I also! - Take, for example, Johnson ... This is the greatest hypocrite in the world! "But you're his best friend!" "Oh, it's only for human eyes ..."
Three surgeons tell each other cases from their practice. First: - I was recently brought a patient, who trampled his legs off. It took me a whole day to sew his feet. Second: - And I recently had a patient who got into a car accident and flew his head through the windshield. It took me two days to restore his face. The third: - This is all nonsense, but recently a paratrooper was delivered to me, which did not have a parachute. He was lucky: he fell into a haystack, so it took me three whole days to eliminate the smile on his face.
Message to the pager: << Dear, take Katyusha early from the garden - today we will cook a cold! >>.
General de Gaulle is dying. And he says: "Fulfill my last wish." Hochy see Fantomas without a mask. The general was not the kind of person you could refuse. There were all the police and the army. Finally led Fantomas, but in a mask. The general ordered the emy: "Take off your mask." - Pyst all yydyt. Everyone went and Fantomas took off his mask. The General looked at him and said with tears, "Yes ... and you've grown old, Vasily Ivanovich." "Years are gone," Fantômas replied, "and you are not young Petya either."
"My dear, what shall I give you?" - It's like that, my beloved, if only the box is an automaton and a computer navigation system!
Blonde: - And what is this hole in my shoe? - And this is for the leg ...
Does not look good
Grandmother, seeing my friend (the 2nd year student of MEPhI) for the first time, greeted him and shook her head, shuffling off to the kitchen, where the following was literally "frozen" literally: "Poor thing, it does not look very well. Right as if from the grave pee rose.
Why buggy programs?
Programs are buggy because of inequality. They have different lengths, different extensions and different requests for memory. Patches will not help fight glitches, because they do not eliminate the cause. You should make all the programs the same, destroy all operating systems except one, take all the users' PCs and make one big computer instead of them.
Programs are bugging because of sabotage! Must shoot programmers. And at the same time, just in case, the computer manufacturers. And anyway, why do we need any programs? We already have the Party Program!
By the way, there is no water in the tap for the same reason.
Programs are buggy because they are just programs and deserve contempt. Only the super program will be buggy.
Critics of Nietzscheanism.
The superprogram will have super-glitches, ha-ha!
In fact, all the graphic shells are designed to view pornographic pictures. And all the text editors for printing porn text. And all programming languages ​​are for writing shells and editors used to view pornographic pictures and pornographic texts. If they are used for other purposes, glitches are unavoidable.
Programs are buggy because there is a glitch archetype in the collective unconscious, which is opposed to the archetype of the patch. Thus, those who think that they can defeat the glitches are mistaken; in fact, working on the archetype of the patch, they also strengthen the archetype of the patch.
In fact, you are not interested in why the programs are buggy. If you ask this, then you already have a patch.
Programs are buggy due to discrimination on the extension! And in general, the myth of the buggy programs came up with chauvinistic pigs from technical support services who are afraid of losing their jobs!
Sexual minorities.
To call it glitches is an insulting prejudice! These are not glitches, but features! Which can be proud of! By the way, they have even such famous programs as Microsoft Windows, Netscape Navigator and Borland Delphi!
Programs are buggy due to environmental pollution! 500 years ago, when the industry did not poison the Earth, no one heard about the glitches of the programs! What, you say not so?

6.50 the alarm clock rings on the cellular husband, I turn it off - everyone continues to sleep.
7.00 the alarm clock on my cell phone rings, I turn it off - everyone continues to sleep.
7.15 the alarm clock is ringing in the nursery at the daughter, everyone wakes up, starts to run around the apartment, take turns in the toilet, yell, throw clothes.
7.20 the sleepy daughter sleeps on the toilet, her husband yells from the kitchen: "Where's the sausage?" Did they all eat it yesterday? Do you want tea or coffee? But keep in mind that the coffee is over! "
7.30 I sleep in the shower under the warm trickles of water, my husband "takes off the hinges" door to the toilet.
7.40 The daughter pours dry flakes of Nestle compote (beeee), chews on both cheeks in breaks, laughing over the next series of "Nanny".
7.45 I am dyed, I laugh at the "Nanny", I laugh at my husband, who made a sandwich with my diet cheese, my husband curses the one who invented the diet cheese. Together with her on her daughter, who spilled compote on a new carpet.
7.50 I drink coffee, rzhu over my husband, who stepped into the spilled compote.
7.55 with one hand the whip of the older braid, the second I sew up unexpectedly torn pantyhose, I stroke my blouse with my foot.
7.58 I kiss the eldest daughter, I promise the little house for Barbie, if she writes the dictation well, I go to school, quickly wash my floors in the hallway, I run to the kitchen, see how she crosses the yard, remind my husband to buy sausages, wipe the child in the window with a pen, remember that I forgot to give her colored threads for a labor lesson, I piled on the window, open the window, yawned furiously at the whole yard, so that my dona urgently ran back.
7.59. I give my daughter a string, I kiss her, I promise to buy a house for Barbie, if she writes a dictation well, I go out to school, quickly wash my floors in the hallway, run to the kitchen, see how she crosses the yard, once again remind my husband to buy sausages.
8.00 a son woke up, asked to take care of his mother
8.15 Everyone jumps up, starts to run the herd around the apartment, yell, throw clothes.
8.20 I pour milk flakes for my son with one hand, the other I choose a tie for my husband.
8.25 I drive my husband out to the parking lot, close the door, quickly wash my floors in the hallway, I remember that I forgot to let him take out the rubbish in the trash, I piled on the window, open the window, yawned furiously at the whole yard, so that my husband rushed back urgently.
8.26.I listen to everything that my husband thinks about me and my mother, I give him the garbage, quickly my floors in the hallway.
8.27 I wipe the milk that my son shed, I plant it on a pot.
8.28 I dress up
8.29 I take my son off the pot, my ass simultaneously singing to him "Clouds of white horses", kiss in the nose, I promise to buy a toy Chinese Shrek, if he confesses where to do the second mother's shoe.
8.30 the nurse comes (GLORY OF GOD!)
8.31 at the window my husband signals, I run out, drive off, I remember that I forgot the key to the office.
8.32 again at home, here is the key, the husband no longer signals.
9.00 I'm at work, poured water into the kettle, patted on the ace, climbed on the Internet, neighing.
9.15 understand that I forgot to turn on the kettle
9.20 I drink coffee, the chief came, again in white socks, short trousers, again bears a fume. Ugh.
9.30. I want to eat
10.00 am working
10.30 am working
11.00 I work, how much can I?
11.15 went to the airport to meet documents that fly Khabarovsk flight.
11.17 on the panel lit a strange light bulb in the form of an exclamation mark, just in case, fastened, suddenly have to catapult? I wonder on the machines there is a catapult?
11.20 the light is on, the car is going bad, probably frozen.
11.30 enlightenment! I call my husband asking what *** put the car on the handbrake? I tell him everything that I think about him and his mother.
11.40 the Khabarovsk aircraft flew in. aaaaaaaa I do not believe my eyes! it's them, they are! group Roots! Pretty so. But I like it without much enthusiasm. probably the age is not the same. This is about 10 years ago, when I saw Boyarsky in the hotel, I fell off the ladder from surprise, and right now the fig! Erotic fantasized one minute and that's it.
11.50 The nurse calls: the son in the park dug out the earthworm and ate it - what should I do?
I ask her to dig up to us a little more, with half a bucket, because there is nothing for dinner at home. Dura, I would not say anything at all!
11.55 pondered in which sauce to stew for the dinner of worms, drove to the red light, I remember a string of open mouths, what a bastard dared to signal, opened the window, showed an indecent gesture, added gas, and pulled out the gray hair on the move.
12.00 I call my husband, I apologize, I say that I love his mother more than him, I confess to me in love three times and louder to hear all profursetki at work.
12.45 the husband calls, after another threefold confession of love, he offers to go to the nearest canteen.
12.55 Mom calls and in an alarming voice reports that the eldest has not yet returned from school, although she should have come 45 minutes ago.
13.00 lost 5 years of life, turned around from the canteen went to school.
13.05 I run to school, I cry, I imagine terrible pictures, my mother runs to meet her, she, like a noble marathon runner, ran school three times - we cry, we run to class.
13.06 class, joyful children are going home, to my dumb question the older babbling about the fifth unexpected lesson.
13.07 I think I screamed like this: "*** your mother *** what *** set *** by the fifth lesson *** this *** in *** ecology *** and *** did not warn *** parents ????
13.08 children with open mouths, the teacher is covered by a chair - my daughter is in authority, the boy on the first desk quickly outlines my speech.
13.10 the husband takes me out in a precocious state, we go, on the way I pull out my gray hair, Stolovsky's cutlets have broken off,
13.20 at work, I eat salad, I'm crying, I'm ashamed. Fak! She said that the salad without garlic! Everywhere enemies.
13.30 I stuffed 5 Orbit cushions. I chew.
13.35 I pick off the rumen bubble from my nose.
13.40 I chat with my girlfriend on the phone
14.00 I chat with my girlfriend on the phone
14.30 I chat with my girlfriend on the phone
14.40 the chief came. And che so always in time, then?
15.00 am working
16.00 I want to eat ... okay, I want sex too
16.00 the husband calls, admits three times in love. Well done! Already without a reminder.
19.00 at home, I take out laundry from the washing machine, which was loaded in the morning. Fak!
Who put his smelly black Chinese socks with my snow-white panties and bras ?!
19.10 I sob, I remember how much money I spent on that lace, my husband regrets, demands satisfaction, caressingly smiles.
19.15 I put a new woolen sweater into my husband's machine.
19.20 Checking the lessons
19.21 I drink valerian, pull out my gray hair, go again to check the lessons
19.25 we torment the daughter of the "Hobbit". What clever uncle chose to read from this amazing book a chapter called "Spiders and flies"? As one friend of mine said: "A handbook for beginning skinheads."
19.30 In the kitchen there was a roar and a roar, he took a small sweep of the candy and crashed off the chair.
19.31 all the kiss-embrace, give a pound of sweets, so as not to cry.
20.15 Damn! Who put the temperature regulator in the washing machine at around 90 degrees ?!
I take out my husband's sweater. Sorry, darling, can we give it to Barbina Ken? I'm avenged.
20.30 in the children's suspicious silence, I come, yell, go out.
20.31 The husband drags the sobbing son with a painted pencil-colored pens into the bath.
20.45 I'm at the open-hearth
21.45 I'm at the open-hearth ...
23.00 I crawled away from the open-hearth in the kitchen, kissed the sleeping children, crawled out with my husband to the balcony to smoke a cigarette, drank a glass of cognac, my floors in the hallway ...

But, dammit, I love you, family life!

The bullet squealed something about the Motherland ...
If the wife is an angel, it means she came to your soul.
A dream is like a glass not poured, and nostalgia is already drunk.
Even when the child is in the mother's womb, Russian scientists can determine his nationality.
I like erotic dreams. It only strains that they are in German ...
If the prices are ridiculous, then the quality - you will laugh!
Unsuccessfully exploded shaheed in paradise await 72 mother-in ...
Sexual revolutions proceed without sacrifice - the victims are born after.
Perhaps, it is not necessary for Freddy Kruger to scratch his balls ...
A pretty woman, like a cat, you want to pat! By wool!
The more I recognize customs officers, the more I like traffic cops.
Children's play in the family of the maniac-dismemberment - << Collect the Brotherhood >>.
The President addresses the residents of the country:
"I have two news for you: good and bad."
- Let's first good.
- Our country has finally succeeded in paying off foreign debt!
- Hooray!!! And is it bad?
- We have only 72 hours to leave the country.
- Leo Tolstoy was very fond of good cognac and expensive cigars, that's why he always went in a shirt and bast shoes.
What do they write on the rim of glasses in small letters? When the glasses are worn, this is not very good, and when removed - especially.
If the buyer is dissatisfied, as it was cooked - he has the right to be bred on the full program.
The conversation between the two journalists:
- I began to read the newspaper from the cradle.
- And I already then in them wrote!
"The defendant!" Where do you put the stolen money?
- I divided them into pieces and took them to different places. Part here, part of it ...
"But you did not do it right: it was not necessary!"
First they shot the film "Kill Bill", then they shot "Kill Bill 2".
Now we need to shoot the movie "Kill George", and kill him immediately in the first series and as soon as possible!
Ilya Muromets lay on the stove for 33 years and 3 years, and when God came out, it turned out that the radiation had already dissipated.
Gin came out of the pitcher and said to Alladina:
"I've been lying too long at the bottom of the sea." Therefore, you have only one desire.
Guess what.
- Come back. You will see to it that the wine does not end.
- Have you ever had to go to bed with a very terrible woman?
- No, I do not remember ... But I often woke up next to such!
Traffic policeman:
"So, did you just pass here?"
- Well, we are.
"Did you see the sign on the turn?" I ask: did they see the sign on the turn or not? !!
- Have you seen ...
"My son painted ..."
- I come back, then a day earlier from the trip ...
"Do not tell me any more."
- Why?
- Then everything is clear ... You found it in the closet?
- No, I buried it behind the barn ...
- Who are these people in leather jackets with assault rifles around our house?
"The roof, sir."
"Why are they bald?"
"Tiles, sir."
Chechnya. Advertising on stretch marks.
- Hottabych! And how are you going to turn this horn into a box of beer?
"There you are, O Great Volka, do you want me to do this for you in the jug?"
- No...
- Tada RUN FOR BEER !!!
There are three kinds of love songs:
1) sad;
2) funny;
3) songs of the group "Leningrad".
The Estonian tells his son a tale for the night:
- Once upon a time, in the thirties, there lived a king and a ko ...
Get up, son, it's time to go to the kindergarten!
- Vovochka! Get away from the boy who smashed the window of my car ... I can not aim!
The money was laxative Ostap, he was told: "In the evening, money - in the morning a chair!".
When Volodya Putin was a little boy, he dreamed of buying mountain skiing.
The usual skis were very fragile at that time and broke from one stroke with the edge of the palm.
In 1945, a contest of doubles was held in Berlin.
The first place was won by Stirlitz. He was like two drops of water like a Russian spy Isaev.
The boy resorts to the man:
- Uncle, uncle - be my dad!
"Well, show your mother!" No, boy - it's too early for me to become a father!
Two peasants first slept with each other. One faces a second finger:
"Just look, do not tell anyone!"
- Why are we not men, or what ?!
Peacekeepers somehow now began to call those who around the world what they want, they do it.
Comes to the chief subordinate:
- Alexander Ivanovich, I would like to add my salary ...
"For what reason?"
- The other day, all cereals have risen in price - and I have a surname, after all, Grechka.
"Give me the ham!"
- To you what?
- Yes, any.
- Well, all the same?
"Are they any different?" For me, so all the same!
- Well, do not tell ... This, for example, the loader in a puddle dropped!

From life. Train Voronezh-Moscow. Conductors celebrate someone's birthday. In the midst of fun vodka ends, and most importantly - money. On the corridor women begin to rush about in uniform coats. In our compartment, a flushed woman's face is peering in her cap, famously dangling in her ear. Face smiles confusedly and asks a question:
- Guys, do you have money?
"Well, there is ..."
The conductor looks around and yells to someone in the corridor:
- Masha! Bring here as much tea as possible!
From life.
The company of young people (boys, girls - in general, everything as it should) was celebrated to celebrate a holiday. Sit down in the elevator, and since the people are slightly larger than necessary - the elevator is accordingly stuck. Everyone is standing! wait for them to be released from prison.
And one witty young man says:
- Well, it's only left to smoke and have sex ...
No less clever girl answers:
"Boys - but do not smoke!"
Mom complains to the daughter, going on a date:
"My dear child, you should eat right, do not run away with an empty stomach, or HE will invite you to a restaurant - and you will agree with hunger, and HE will think: this is easy prey, I'll feed it - and it's mine!" Nooo, you have to be proud, appreciate yourself more than one dinner! And do not put on high heels, otherwise the legs will get tired, and you will ask yourself to sit somewhere, and HE will think: in a nagging, stuffed, to feed, and then God himself ordered her to drag along! Yes, and here's another: do not paint too brightly, or it will be a vulgar appearance ... Yes, and another thing: you will talk about literature - do not mention Sorokin, he has an ambiguous reputation ... but you will talk about philosophy - not mention Michel Foucault, he was a crescent ... At the knight, do not correct your hair and makeup, go to the toilet ... Well, like everything ... For now, happy to you!
The girl runs out of the apartment, descends into the entrance, there is already waiting for her boyfriend, they embrace, kiss, the girl bends over the crustacean and says:
- As you shove it - look: does not anyone go ...
And in the leap-byte 9 bits ...
Love leads to insomnia, and after sex it's good to sleep!
Cigarettes << Cannabis >>. Talk to the Ministry of Health personally.
Large-scale oil industry workers will kill the Russian stage.
If the girl's legs are raised from the ears - then it should look like a cocker spaniel.
Now the main thing is that the country does not lose the presidential election.
Blondes are always a mystery - whether painted, or born a fool ...
New season! Women's swimwear - pop-loess!
The tape recorder << Spring >>! Nothing to do with the spring, nothing to do with a tape recorder!
Tariff "Military" - the first two years for free!
There is no money - do not be sad, you'll run your hand into the treasury!
Unsuccessfully exploded shaheed in paradise await 72 mother-in ...
Man is born for happiness, but we have to work.
A well-educated person, having gone over at a banquet table, always brings a crouch to the toilet ...
You can not be cheerful, sober and smart at the same time.
One movement is na. And two movements are already dad!
Two levels of protection: Nigh and ... and do not ...
One man to another says:
- My wife was completely out of hand ... She could not get out of her legs.
Speaker at the medical conference:
- Каким бы глубоким не был вклад в науку урологов, возможности гинекологии поистине бездонны!
В честь Дня милиции ОРТ представляет сегодня премьеру фильма "Оборотни против хищника".
На днях граф Дракула отказался от своего титула "Князь тьмы" в пользу Дж.Буша-мл.
From life.
Событие происходит в кабинке туалета, в разгар рабочего дня! В самый неподходяший момент (когда нормальные люди думают не о работе, а о смысле жизни) звонит мобильный. Клиент! Очень важный! Звонок отбить нельзя!
Ответ и идет деловая беседа продолжительностью 4-5 минут. Поговорил. Отключ ился...
И тут из соседней кабинки:
- Ну что - воду уже можно спускать?
From life.
Evening. A park. Dusk. Сидим на скамейке. По соседству, обнявшись, сидит молодая пара.
Подходит к ним змей-искуситель в звании сержанта милиции.
Молодой человек... Нарушаете... А кем вы ей приходитесь... А вы уверены, ч то она совершеннолетняя... Вот вы тут... А что если... Пройдёмте-с!
Кавалер кивает. Дама привстаёт, демонстрируя нешуточное пузо (месяц седьмой-восьмой, не меньше).
И в тишине слышен злобный голос кавалера, обращённый к менту:
- Ну и где же тебя, мудака, черти носили 8 месяцев назад?!
С возрастом у программера растут живот и диагональ монитора...
А должны бы, если верить спаму - член и банковский счёт!
- Чем вы зарабатываете на жизнь?
- Продаю мебель... К сожалению, собственную...
- Moses went out and said: see these rivers, these mountains, these seas?
- Yes.
"Good, next."
Наконец-то объединились общества анонимных алкоголиков и некрасивых женщин...
Всё всем нравится, все всем довольны!
Приходит эстонский мальчик домой из школы... а у него уже жена и двое детей.
- Что за шум, а драки нету?
- Предварительные ласки пока...
В аптеке.
- Нет, чтобы купить мышьяк, нужен рецепт с печатью. Одной фотографии вашей тёщи недостаточно.
- А вот, пожалуйста, моё брачное свидетельство, с печатью.
- Так вам две дозы?
Спонсор боёв без правил - соки и нектары "Добрый".
- Стойте, именем закона - остановитесь!
- Именем овоща - хрен тебе!
Мужик в секс-шопе:
- Девушка, у вас вагина с вибратором есть?
- У меня есть, но без вибратора...
Давайте разговаривать друг с другом культурно - вместо фразы: "Да пошёл ты на х!" говорить: "Я отсылаю тебя к первоисточнику".
- У меня, пацаны, сегодня свидание!
- С резиновой куклой?
- Нет, с настоящей девушкой!
- Ah! А из-за чего ты с куклой поссорился?
Двое друзей делят девушку:
- Я её первый увидел!
- Ты акушер, что ли?
Объявление: "Для съёмок обнажённой натуры требуется фотограф, имеющий опыт работы с большой выдержкой".
В эмиграции, в Нью-Йорке, умирает старый кубинец. Он просит своих детей принести ему кубинский флаг. Дети безуспешно ищут флаг. После длительных поисков приводят проститутку. Она раздевается, поворачивается задницей: на ней - цветная наколка в виде кубинского флага.
Довольный старик начинает целовать флаг, потом говорит проститутке:
- Повернись - я попрощался с Кубой, теперь хочу попрощаться с Фиделем!
Разговор за стенкой.
- Как мы громко целуемся!
- Зато ебёмся тихо!
Жена углубилась в газету.
- Послушай, Коля. Здесь написано, что в африканских странах женщину можно купить за 40 долларов, в полное владение! Этопросто невероятно!
- Why? - рассудительно отвечает муж. - Хорошая женщина очень даже может стоить таких денег...
- Девушка, у вас есть открытка "Любимой тёще", с пожеланием - Чтоб ты сдохла!!! Но чтоб красиво так, стихами...
Мужики - не верьте, что женщин интересует размер вашего пениса.
В самый ответственный момент они больше думают о том, как выглядят их сиськи.
- Ступай, милок, откель явился...
Вот так ласково и послала Баба-Яга добра молодца в пизду.
Девушка делает парню минет. Всё чинно, размеренно. Парень откинул голову назад, наслаждается и начинает тихонько насвистывать незамысловатую мелодию...
Через некоторое время замечает, что девушка реагирует на ритм. Немного увеличивает такт, девушка ускоряется. Он начинает насвистывать гром че, постепенно ускоряя ритм. Девушка тоже ускоряется. Парень ещё быстрее.
Девушка тоже. Парень уже свистит на пределе скоростных возможностей. Голова девушки двигается как челнок щвейной машинки. Парень уже просто постоянно свистит, почти срываясь на рык и кончает. Девушка в изнеможении откидывается на спину и часто-часто дышит... Парень, раздосадованно:
- Млять, как же губы устали...
Рашен Канары.
(Исполняется на языке оригинала)
Хау мач... вот это? Big, blue. how is a mache? Do you speak English? Spanish? Che, onli spanish? Well, El moment. Uh ... Their bean is buying this. Zis - how of the dollar? Here, damn, stupid. Ай вонт зис! Zis! Come on, tan, think!
Tie up a lump in his own way, do not cheat, lisen here. Lysen here, I say!
Зис хочу! Zis, zis and zis! Their bean to bash! Dona anderstend? Онли спэниш? Hende Hoh! GY-s-s ... A joke, a smile! Buy it, buy it all! Do not understand? Are you mowing, black? Cache, andalstand, cache? Yes, put your hands down! Ai em rasha, re-lax! Нихт стрелять. Peace, friendship, dollar! Buy it all. Tsuzamen, real! Well? Хилтон, муйня вот эта синяя с дельфинами... Их бин владеть! So! Faster toe-to-toe, dude, kvikli behind Loyer, one leg here, the other - chia! Май нейм из Паша фром Люберцы, салям алейкум, ферштейн? And come on, frostbitten, lured already, start to understand in Russian, turn on the count of ick!