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My Blog: Jokes jokes jokes stories

In the maternity hospital the children were confused Italian, Russian, German and Estonian. Began to understand: first, the Italian - went to the children and started appetizingly winding spaghetti on a fork. Looking - one child handles pulls. Mother takes him. Next turn the Germans: - Heil Hitler !!! Looks, one also responded. Picks up the son. Then the Russian approaches and, without saying a word, takes one of the remaining children. Estonian: - And why are you sabiraaes him? Otkuta you are a hundred, is it yours? Russian: - But because when a German woman said “Heil Hitler,” my fists clenched my fists, and yours crap!
This morning, as usual, make a light jog. Suddenly, behind the cry - uncle, uncle! I stop - I see a girl of 11-12 years old rushing towards me with a Caucasian shepherd dog, while continuing to shout “Uncle, Uncle”. I, thinking that something happened, I go towards. When there were 5 meters left before our meeting, the girl could say a phrase to the end: - Uncle, sorry, but she will bite you now !!! Did not deceive ...
A new Russian comes to the store and asks the saleswoman: - And what have you got? - Apples. - Give me 10 kg and wrap each separately. - But we do not do that, and plus it will cost more. - I'll pay. Poor saleswoman fulfills the order. - And what have you got there? - Oranges. - Weigh me 10 kg and wrap each separately. - But it will be more expensive! - Nothing, I'll cry. Actions are repeated - Why are you still there? - Raisin, but it is not for sale:
Meets somehow new Russian of another new Russian: - Bro, do you have a six-hundredth "Mercedes"? - Nah ... - A villa with a pool? - Nah ... - And what can and no yacht? - No-no ... Here another new Russian comes up: - What are you, in nature, stuck to the kid? You do not see, he is still quite new!
There is a new Russian near the elegant new four-story mansion. He rubs tears down his cheeks with pounds of fists and blows his nose into Versa's scarf. Another new Russian arrives: - Are you roaring something, they are again under pressure with taxes? - Noo ... Here is an orphanage built, tomorrow is a presentation ... - Well, so is an orphan, charity is prestigious to be used for killing? ... - It is so, and how am I going to be alone in this house live, orphan-and-inushka ...
A trolley bus goes past the zoo, a mother stands with a young son by the window. The following dialogue takes place (loudly, for the whole trolley bus): - Mom! Mama! Pa-aak! - Yes, son, park. - Mama! There thee-eee! - Yes, little, there are beasts. - Mama! There zya-ya-yany !!! - Yes, baby, there are monkeys. - Mother Mother! There fuck !!! And already in the complete silence of the crowded trolley bus, the voice of the mother trembling with laughter: - Yes, son, there is a camel.
One young company that comes to ruin comes to ask for a job, a young Jew, does not ask for salaries ...... is ready to work for a minimum percentage. Well, the company has nothing to lose. they take it. After a week, the company's revenue is increased tenfold ........ The General Deer personally comes to see how the new employee works and sees such a picture .. - Here you have the necessary hook ... (says the employee to the client), and you have a fishing line ? -No, -Then take this one thicker ..... and do you like with a fishing rod or spinning .. -twinkle -Then this one is best, but the fishing rod is better from a boat, do you have ?? - no, then take this double rubber one .. - well .. - Bah, and what are you lucky with all this, do you need a good trailer, is it versatile, this one will suit you? - fit ........ - and which car will you cling to? - Mercedes 600 - well, is it really a fishing machine, you need a jeep, so that on the road, and at speed ... we have a lancroser ... take it? - I’m taking - $ 62,000 from you, please come to the cashier. Chief - Here is a good man, he started off the hook, and so he fished off - Actually, he went in for the gaskets for his wife, but I told him if his wife had periods, then he would do it for three days nothing at home
In the desert there are a donkey and ensign. Donkey asks: - Who are you? Ensign looked around - no one. He says: - I am an officer, and you? The donkey looked around - no one. Says: - And I am a horse.
There is a lesson in bursa. Pop asks: - Well, well, fools, who knows what "divine power" is? Silence. - So - the divine power is the product of the divine mass at the divine speed!
Izya died in Odessa. Relatives decide how cheaper it is to inform their relatives in Israel about this sad event. They invented and sent a telegram "Isy - everything". A week later, the response telegram arrives: "Oh."
Addict: - Hello! Ambulance?! We have a mass spit here after the mushrooms! / Metall /
Got a man a cat. He decided to leave the cat in the forest. I shoved the cat into the car and drove into the woods ... Four hours later, the peasant calls his wife: - Has the cat returned from the forest? - Yes. Long ago. - Give him the phone, I'm lost!
- Man, give a match! - You are welcome. - Come on, and at the same time a cigarette. - Nate. - So they in a cigarette case? Come along with a cigarette case. - Kara-a-aul! - Yes, and you have gold teeth? !!
In Moscow, a grandmother comes to the junk addict and asks: - Son, how to find Lenin Square? - Lenin's length must be multiplied by Lenin's width!
Having received a deuce in computer science, Little Johnny deleted the page and reformatted the diary.
Stutter in the store: - Please give me Xx .., xx .., xx # th take off! Give vodka!
- I hate hypocrites! - I, too! - Take, for example, Johnson ... This is the greatest hypocrite in the world! - But you are his best friend! - Oh, it's only for the human eye ...
Three surgeons tell each other cases from their practice. First: - I recently brought a patient who was cut off his legs with a tram. It took me a whole day to sew on his legs. Second: - And I recently had a patient who got into a car accident and flew his head through the windshield. It took me two days to restore his face. Third: - This is all nonsense, a paratrooper, who did not open a parachute, was brought to me recently. He was lucky: he fell into a haystack, so it took me three whole days to eliminate the smile on his face.
Message to the pager: << Dear, take Katyusha early from the kindergarten - today we will be cooking aspic! >>.
General de Gaulle dies. And he says: - Fulfill my last wish. Want to see Fantomas without a mask. The general was not the kind of person who could refuse. All police and army were involved. Finally, they led Fantomas, but in a mask. The general ordered him: - Take off your mask. - Pust all go. All went and Fantomas took off his mask. The general looked at him and said with tears - Yes ... and you became old Vasily Ivanovich. - Years go - answered Fantomas - yes, and you Petka already not young.
- Honey, what do you give? - Anyway, darling, just to have automatic transmission and computer navigation system!
Blonde: - And what is this hole in my shoe? - And this is for the legs ...
It doesn't matter
The grandmother, seeing my friend for the first time (a 2nd year student at MEPI), greeted him and, shaking her head, shuffled off to the kitchen, where she literally “frostbitten” aloud the following: - Poor thing, it doesn't matter. Just as if from the grave pee got up.
Why are the programs buggy?
Socialism.
Programs are buggy due to inequality. They have different lengths, different extensions and different requests for memory. Patches will not help to deal with glitches, because they do not eliminate the cause. It is necessary to make all the programs the same, to destroy all the operating systems, except for one, to take away all the personal computers and make one big computer instead.
Communism.
Programs are buggy due to sabotage! It is necessary to shoot programmers. And at the same time, just in case, computer manufacturers. And in general, why do we need any programs? We already have a party program!
Nazism
By the way, there is no water in the tap either for the same reason.
Nietzscheanism.
Programs are buggy because they are just programs and worthy of contempt. Only the super program will be bug-free.
Critics of Nietzscheanism.
The superprograms will have superglues, haha!
Freudianism.
In fact, all graphical shells are designed to view pornographic images. And all the text editors for printing porno texts. And all programming languages ​​- for writing shells and editors used to view pornographic images and porno texts. If used for other purposes, glitches are inevitable.
Jungianism
Programs are buggy because in the collective unconscious there is the archetype of the glitch, which is opposed to the archetype of the patch. Thus, those who think that they can beat glitches with patches are mistaken; in fact, by working on the archetype of a patch, they thereby reinforce the archetype of the patch.
Existentialism.
In fact, you are not interested in why programs are buggy. If you ask about this, then you already have a patch.
Feminism.
Programs are buggy due to expansion discrimination! And in general, the myth of the buggy programs came up with chauvinistic pigs from technical support services who are afraid of losing their jobs!
Sexual minorities.
To call it glitches is an offensive prejudice! This is not glitches, but features! To be proud of! They, by the way, have such famous programs as Microsoft Windows, Netscape Navigator and Borland Delphi!
GreenPeace.
Programs are buggy due to environmental pollution! 500 years ago, when the industry did not poison the Earth, nobody even heard about program glitches! What do you say wrong?

6.50 the alarm on the husband's cell phone rings, I turn it off - everyone continues to sleep.
7.00 an alarm clock is ringing on my cell phone, I turn it off - everyone is still sleeping.
7.15 an alarm clock is ringing in the nursery at my daughter, everyone wakes up, starts to run around the apartment in a herd, take a turn to the toilet, yell, scatter clothes.
7.20 sleepy daughter sleeps on the toilet, the husband yells out of the kitchen: "Where is the sausage? Have you eaten everything yesterday? Have you got tea or coffee? But bear in mind that coffee is over!"
7.30 am I sleep in the shower under warm trickles of water, the husband "removes from the hinges" the door to the toilet.
7.40 Daughter pours dry cereal Nestle compote (beeee), chews for both cheeks in the breaks laughs over the next series of "Nanny".
At 7.45 am I crash, laugh at the Nanny, laugh at my husband, who made himself a sandwich with my dietary cheese, my husband swears at the one who came up with dietary cheese. Together orem to the daughter who spilled the compote on the new carpet.
7.50 drink coffee, rzhu over her husband, who stepped in spilled compote.
7.55 with one hand I whip the eldest braid, with the second I am sewing up unexpectedly torn tights, with my foot ironing my blouse.
7.58 I kiss my eldest daughter, I promise a house for Barbie if I write a dictation, send me to school, quickly wash the floor in the hallway, run to the kitchen, see how she goes into the yard, remind my husband to buy sausages, wipe the child in the window with a pen, remember that I forgot to give she has colored threads for a lesson in labor, piling up on the window, opening the window, shouting loudly at the whole yard, so that my land rushes back urgently.
7.59. I give my daughter threads, I kiss, I promise to buy a house for Barbie if I write a dictation well, send me to school, quickly wash the floor in the hallway, run to the kitchen, see how it goes over the yard, once again I remind my husband to buy sausages.
8.00 son woke up, asked to mom on the handles
8.15 everyone jumps up, starts to run around the apartment, shouting, throwing clothes around.
8.20 With one hand I pour the cereal with milk for my son, with the other I choose a tie for my husband.
8.25 I set the husband to the parking lot, close the door, quickly wash the floor in the hallway, remember that I forgot to give him the garbage in the trash, piling up on the window, opening the window, yelling to the whole yard so that my husband would immediately run back.
8.26. I listen to everything that my husband thinks about me and my mother, I give him the garbage, I quickly wash the floors in the hallway.
8.27 I wipe the milk that the son has shed, and put it on the pot.
8.28 getting dressed
8.29 I take my son off the pot, my butt at the same time singing to him "Clouds of white-mane horses," I kiss you in the nose, I promise to buy a toy Chinese Shrek, if he admits much to his second mother's shoe.
8.30 a nanny comes (THANK GOD!)
8.31 under the window my husband signals, run out, drive off, I remember that I forgot the key to the office.
8.32 again at home, here is the key, the husband no longer beeps.
9.00 am I at work, poured water into the teapot, patted the ace, got on the Internet, neighing.
9.15 I understand that I forgot to turn on the kettle
9.20 I drink coffee, the chief came, again in white socks, short trousers, again carrying fume. ugh.
9.30. I want to eat
10.00 am working
10.30 am working
11.00 work, how much can you?
11.15 went to the airport to meet the documents that fly Khabarovsk flight.
11.17 on the panel a strange light bulb in the form of an exclamation mark is on, it is fastened, just in case, what if you have to eject? interesting on machines have a catapult?
11.20 light is on, the car is going bad, probably frozen.
11.30 insight! I call my husband asking what *** put the car on the handbrake? I tell him everything I think about him and his mother.
11.40 arrived Khabarovsk board. aaaaaaaa do not believe my eyes! it is they, they! group Roots! pretty so But somehow I'm not particularly enthusiastic. probably not the age. This is about 10 years ago, when I saw in the hotel Boyarsky, fell from the stairs by surprise, and right now FIG! Erotically fantasized one minute and all.
11.50 The nurse calls: the son in the park dug up the earthworm and ate it - what to do?
I ask her to dig in more, with half a bucket, because there is nothing at home for dinner. Fool, I would not speak at all!
11.55 thought about what sauce to put out the worms for dinner, drove through a red light, I remember a string of open mouths, some bastard dared to horn, opened a window, showed an obscene gesture, added gas, pulled out gray hair.
12.00 I called my husband, I apologize, I say that I love his mother more than him, I make him confess to me three times louder and louder so that all the professional networks at work can be heard.
12.45 the husband calls, after the next three times declaration of love offers to walk to the nearest canteen.
12.55 mom calls and reports in an alarming voice that the eldest has not yet returned from school, although she should have come 45 minutes ago.
13.00 lost 5 years of life, turned around from the canteen went to school.
13.05 I am running to school, sobbing, presenting scary pictures, my mother is running towards her, she, like a noble marathon runner, has run around the school three times - we are sobbing, we are running to class.
13.06 class, joyful children are going home, on my dumb question the elder babbles about the fifth unexpected lesson.
13.07 it seems I screamed like this: "*** your mother *** what *** put *** the fifth lesson *** this *** in *** ecology *** and *** did not warn *** parents ???
August 13, children with open mouths, the teacher covers behind the chair - my daughter is in authority, the boy on the first desk quickly outlines my speech.
13.10 my husband takes me into a pre-unconscious state, we are going, pulling out gray hair on the way, table cutlets have broken off,
13.20 at work, eat salad, sob, shame. Fak! She said that the salad without garlic! Everywhere enemies.
13.30 crammed 5 Orbit pads. I'm chewing.
13.35 otkovyryvayu from the nose of the ruminant bladder.
13.40 chatting with my friend on the phone
14.00 chatting with my friend on the phone
14.30 I chat with my friend on the phone
14.40 came the head. And why is it always the wrong time?
15.00 work
16.00 I want to eat ... okay, I also want sex
16.00 husband calls, confesses three times in love. Well done! Already without a reminder.
19.00 at home, I take out the laundry from the washing machine, which I loaded in the morning. Fak!
Who put their stinky black Chinese socks with my snow-white panties and bras ?!
19.10 sob, I remember how much money I spent on that lace-up lipphone, my husband regrets, I demand satisfaction, and I smile carnivorous.
19.15. I insert a new wool sweater into a typewriter.
19.20 I check the lessons
19.21 I drink valerian, pull out gray hair, go again to check the lessons
19.25 torment with the daughter of "The Hobbit". What clever uncle chose a chapter called "Spiders and flies" for reading from this amazing book? As one of my friends said: "A guide for beginner skinheads."
At 19.30 in the kitchen there was a roar and a roar, a small one used to steal candy and crashed down from a chair.
19.31 total kiss, hug, give a pound of candy, so as not to cry.
20.15 Damn! Who put the temperature controller in the washing machine at the mark of 90 degrees ?!
Pulling out a man's sweater. Sorry, love, can we give it to Barbin Ken? I'm revenged.
20.30 in the children's suspicious silence, I go, yell, I go out.
20.31 the husband drags the sobbing son with the pussy painted with color felt-tip pens into the bath.
20.45 I'm at the Martin
21.45 I'm at the Martin ...
23.00 I crawled away from the open-hearth in the kitchen, kissed the sleeping children, crawled out with my husband to the balcony to smoke a cigarette, drank a glass of cognac, my floors in the hallway ...

But damn it, I love you, family life!

The bullet squealed something about the motherland ...
If the wife is an angel, it means according to your soul.
A dream is like not a poured glass, but nostalgia is already drunk.
Even when the child is in the womb of the mother, Russian scientists can determine his nationality.
I like erotic dreams. It only strains that they are in German ...
If the prices are ridiculous, then the quality - you will laugh!
72 mother-in-law are waiting for the unsuccessfully exploding shahid in paradise ...
Sexual revolutions take place without victims - victims are born after.
Perhaps it is not worth Freddy Krueger to scratch his balls ...
A pretty woman, like a cat, and I want to stroke! By wool!
The more I learn customs officers - the more I like traffic cops.
Children's game in the family of a maniac-dissenter - << Collect brother >>.
President speaks to residents of the country:
- I have two news for you: good and bad.
- Let's first good.
- Our country finally managed to pay off its foreign debt!
- Hooray!!! And bad?
- We have only 72 hours to leave the country.
- Lev Nikolayevich Tolstoy was very fond of good brandy and expensive cigars, so he always went in a shirt and bast shoes.
What is written on the rim of glasses in small letters? When the glasses are worn, this is not so, and when they are removed, all the more.
If the buyer is unhappy, as he was merged - he has the right to be merged in full.
A conversation between two journalists:
- I started reading newspapers from the cradle.
- And I already sang in them!
- Defendant! Where are you taking the stolen money?
- I divided them into parts and carried them to different places. Part here, part there ...
- But you didn’t do it very well: it wasn’t necessary!
First they shot the film "Kill Bill", then they shot "Kill Bill 2".
Now you should shoot the film "Kill George", and kill him immediately in the first series and as soon as possible!
Ilya Muromets lay on the stove for 33 years and 3 years, and when he came out into the light of day, it turned out that the radiation had already dispersed.
Gin came out of a jug and said to Aladdin:
- I lay too long at the bottom of the sea. Therefore, you have only one desire.
Guessing.
- Climb back. You will make sure that the wine does not end.
- Have you ever happened to go to bed with a very scary woman?
- No, I don’t remember something ... But then I often woke up next to such people!
Traffic cop:
“So, did you just drive here?”
- Well, we.
- A sign on the turn saw ?! I ask: did you see the sign on the turn or not? !!
- Have you seen ...
- Son drew ...
- I come back, it means, a day earlier from a business trip ...
- Don't tell me further.
- Why?
- Then everything is clear ... Did you find him in the closet?
- No, I buried him behind the barn ...
- Who are these people in leather jackets with machine guns around our house?
- Roof, sir.
- Why are they bald?
- Shingles, sir.
Chechnya Advertising on the banners.
- Hottabych! And how are you going to turn this horn into a crate of beer?
- Here you are, oh great Volka, do you want me to duznul me in this mountain?
- Not...
- Tada Run after BEER !!!
There are three kinds of love songs:
1) sad;
2) funny;
3) songs of the group "Leningrad".
Estonian tells his son a bedtime story:
“Once upon a time, a long time ago, in the thirtieth kingdom there lived a king and ...
Get up, son - it's time to go to kindergarten!
- Little Johnny! Get away from the boy who broke the glass of my car ... I can't aim!
The money was Ostap's laxative, and they said to him: "In the evening money is a chair in the morning!"
When Volodya Putin was small, he dreamed of buying himself a ski.
Ordinary skis were very fragile at that time and were broken by a single edge of the palm.
In 1945, a doubles competition was held in Berlin.
First place went to Stirlitz. He was like two peas in a pod similar to the Russian intelligence officer Isaev.
The boy resorts to a man:
- Uncle, uncle - be my dad!
- Come on, show mom! No, kid - it's too early for me to become a father!
Two men first slept with each other. One faces a finger to the second:
- Just watch, do not tell anyone!
Second:
- Why are we not men?
The peacekeepers have now somehow become invisible now to call those who, all over the world, want what they are doing.
The subordinate comes to the chief:
- Alexander Ivanovich, I would need to add a salary ...
- Why on earth?
- The other day all the cereals went up - and I have a surname, after all, Buckwheat.
- Give me the ham!
- What is yours?
- Yes, any.
- Well, all the same?
- Well, are they any different? For me, so all the same!
- Well, do not tell ... This, for example, the loader dropped into a puddle!

From life. Train Voronezh-Moscow. Conductors celebrate someone's birthday. In the midst of fun ends vodka, and most importantly - money. Along the corridor, women in uniform jackets are rushing fussily. In our compartment looks reddened female face in a cap, famously moved out by the ear. Little face smiles shyly and asks a question:
- Guys, do you have money?
- Well, there is ...
The conductor looks around and shouts to someone in the hallway:
- Masha! Get more tea as fast as you can!
From life.
A group of young people gathered (boys, girls - in general, everything is as it should be) to celebrate a holiday. They sit in the elevator, and as the people are a little more than necessary - the elevator is stuck accordingly. All worth it! Waiting for when they are released from imprisonment.
And one witty young man says:
- Well, it remains only to smoke and have sex ...
No less witty girl replies:
- Boys - but don't smoke!
Mom admonishes daughter, going on a date:
- My child, you should have a good meal, do not run away with an empty stomach, otherwise HE will invite you to a restaurant - and you will agree with hunger, and HE will think: here is easy prey, I will feed - and she is mine! Nooo, you have to be proud, appreciate yourself more than one dinner! And do not put on high heels, otherwise the legs will get tired, and you yourself will ask to sit somewhere, and HE will think: he is sluggish, he stuffs himself to feed him, and then God himself tells him to drag him to himself! Yes, and one more thing: do not paint yourself too brightly, otherwise it will be a vulgar look ... Yes, and another thing: if you talk about literature, don’t mention Sorokin, his reputation is too ambiguous ... but you will talk about philosophy - not mention Michel Foucault, he was an speed bearer ... If you are a cavalier, do not correct your hairstyle and make-up, go to the toilet ... Well, everything seems to be ... Bye, happy for you!
The girl runs out of the apartment, goes down to the porch, there is already waiting for her boyfriend, they embrace, kiss, the girl bends with crustaceans and says:
- As you will thrust - look: whether who goes ...
And in a leap byte 9 bits ...
Love leads to insomnia, and after sex sleep well!
Cigarettes << Hemp >>. Talk to the Ministry of Health in person.
The Russian pop-stage will be destroyed by oilmen with many children.
If a girl's legs grow from ears, then she should look like a cocker spaniel.
Now the main thing is that the country does not lose the presidential election.
Blondes are always a mystery - whether painted or born a fool ...
New season! Women's swimwear - pop loess!
<< Spring >> tape recorder! Nothing to do with spring, nothing to do with a tape recorder!
<< Military >> tariff - the first two years are free!
There is no money - do not be sad, in the treasury you run your hand!
72 mother-in-law are waiting for the unsuccessfully exploding shahid in paradise ...
Man is born to be happy, but you have to work.
A well-educated person, having touched the banquet table, will always carry it off to the toilet ...
You can not be both fun, sober and intelligent.
Одно движение - это па. А два движения - это уже папа!
Два уровня защиты: Нigh и... и нехай...
Один мужик другому говорит:
- Моя жена совсем от рук отбилась... От ног не смогла.
Докладчик на медицинской конференции:
- Каким бы глубоким не был вклад в науку урологов, возможности гинекологии поистине бездонны!
В честь Дня милиции ОРТ представляет сегодня премьеру фильма "Оборотни против хищника".
На днях граф Дракула отказался от своего титула "Князь тьмы" в пользу Дж.Буша-мл.
From life.
Событие происходит в кабинке туалета, в разгар рабочего дня! В самый неподходяший момент (когда нормальные люди думают не о работе, а о смысле жизни) звонит мобильный. Клиент! Очень важный! Звонок отбить нельзя!
Ответ и идет деловая беседа продолжительностью 4-5 минут. Поговорил. Отключ ился...
И тут из соседней кабинки:
- Ну что - воду уже можно спускать?
From life.
Evening. Парк. Сумерки. Сидим на скамейке. По соседству, обнявшись, сидит молодая пара.
Подходит к ним змей-искуситель в звании сержанта милиции.
Молодой человек... Нарушаете... А кем вы ей приходитесь... А вы уверены, ч то она совершеннолетняя... Вот вы тут... А что если... Пройдёмте-с!
Кавалер кивает. Дама привстаёт, демонстрируя нешуточное пузо (месяц седьмой-восьмой, не меньше).
И в тишине слышен злобный голос кавалера, обращённый к менту:
- Ну и где же тебя, мудака, черти носили 8 месяцев назад?!
С возрастом у программера растут живот и диагональ монитора...
А должны бы, если верить спаму - член и банковский счёт!
- Чем вы зарабатываете на жизнь?
- Продаю мебель... К сожалению, собственную...
- Вышел Моисей и сказал: видите эти реки, эти горы, эти моря?
- Yes.
- Годен, следующий.
Наконец-то объединились общества анонимных алкоголиков и некрасивых женщин...
Всё всем нравится, все всем довольны!
Приходит эстонский мальчик домой из школы... а у него уже жена и двое детей.
- Что за шум, а драки нету?
- Предварительные ласки пока...
В аптеке.
- Нет, чтобы купить мышьяк, нужен рецепт с печатью. Одной фотографии вашей тёщи недостаточно.
- А вот, пожалуйста, моё брачное свидетельство, с печатью.
- Так вам две дозы?
Спонсор боёв без правил - соки и нектары "Добрый".
- Стойте, именем закона - остановитесь!
- Именем овоща - хрен тебе!
Мужик в секс-шопе:
- Девушка, у вас вагина с вибратором есть?
- У меня есть, но без вибратора...
Давайте разговаривать друг с другом культурно - вместо фразы: "Да пошёл ты на х!" говорить: "Я отсылаю тебя к первоисточнику".
- У меня, пацаны, сегодня свидание!
- С резиновой куклой?
- Нет, с настоящей девушкой!
- А-а! А из-за чего ты с куклой поссорился?
Двое друзей делят девушку:
- Я её первый увидел!
- Ты акушер, что ли?
Объявление: "Для съёмок обнажённой натуры требуется фотограф, имеющий опыт работы с большой выдержкой".
В эмиграции, в Нью-Йорке, умирает старый кубинец. Он просит своих детей принести ему кубинский флаг. Дети безуспешно ищут флаг. После длительных поисков приводят проститутку. Она раздевается, поворачивается задницей: на ней - цветная наколка в виде кубинского флага.
Довольный старик начинает целовать флаг, потом говорит проститутке:
- Повернись - я попрощался с Кубой, теперь хочу попрощаться с Фиделем!
Разговор за стенкой.
- Как мы громко целуемся!
- Зато ебёмся тихо!
Жена углубилась в газету.
- Послушай, Коля. Здесь написано, что в африканских странах женщину можно купить за 40 долларов, в полное владение! Этопросто невероятно!
- Why? - рассудительно отвечает муж. - Хорошая женщина очень даже может стоить таких денег...
- Девушка, у вас есть открытка "Любимой тёще", с пожеланием - Чтоб ты сдохла!!! Но чтоб красиво так, стихами...
Guys - do not believe that women are interested in the size of your penis.
В самый ответственный момент они больше думают о том, как выглядят их сиськи.
- Ступай, милок, откель явился...
Вот так ласково и послала Баба-Яга добра молодца в пизду.
Девушка делает парню минет. Всё чинно, размеренно. Парень откинул голову назад, наслаждается и начинает тихонько насвистывать незамысловатую мелодию...
Через некоторое время замечает, что девушка реагирует на ритм. Немного увеличивает такт, девушка ускоряется. Он начинает насвистывать гром че, постепенно ускоряя ритм. Девушка тоже ускоряется. Парень ещё быстрее.
Девушка тоже. Парень уже свистит на пределе скоростных возможностей. Голова девушки двигается как челнок щвейной машинки. Парень уже просто постоянно свистит, почти срываясь на рык и кончает. Девушка в изнеможении откидывается на спину и часто-часто дышит... Парень, раздосадованно:
- Млять, как же губы устали...
Рашен Канары.
(Исполняется на языке оригинала)
Howe mach ... here it is? Big, blue. хау мач? Do you speak English? Спэниш? What, they spanish? Well, el moment. Uh ... Their bean to buy this. Zis - how the dollar? Here, damn it, stupid. Ay vont zis! Zis! Come on, tanned, think!
Tie to bang in their own way, not telling, lisen here. Lisen here, I say!
Zis want! Zis, Zis and Zon! Bin bash them! Downout Underground? Онли спэниш? Хенде хох! Gyyyyy ... Joke, smile! Buy it, buy it all! To fail to understand? Mowing, swarthy? Cash, understend, cash? Yes, put your hands something! Ay em rush, re-laks! Niht shoot. Peace, friendship, dollars! Покупать это все. Zuzamen, cash! Well? Hilton, Mui Ne, this blue with dolphins ... To own their bean! Так! Резвее сучи ногами, чувак, квикли за лоером, одна нога здесь, другая - хиа! May the name of Pasha from Lyubertsy, Salaam Alaikum, Fershteyn? And come on, frostbitten, lured already, begin to understand Russian, turn on the counter!