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My Blog: Jokes jokes jokes stories


The steelworker Frol Vedrishchev was a man of illiterate and pedantic German specialists, who often came to the factory, called "fagots". To which they contemptuously chuckled and in retaliation called him "Fraulein."
For the ladies, the gentleman throws money, and Don Juan - another lady.
Strip and conquer!
Reproduction division: people are divided into fools and smart.
Previously, we had one Communist Party, and we were bad, but now it has been divided into many new parties, and we have become as bad as many times.
Raskolnikov used the old woman with one ax.
To recognize a man who had many women, can only a woman who had a lot of men.

The equipment of the Ministry of Internal Affairs is growing. From now on, a microphone, an amplifier and a pair of speakers will be attached to each police whistle to create a stereo effect.
The cost of the funeral is such that it is cheaper to live.
The editor is the person who separates the grain from the garbage and prints ... garbage.
Advertisement swimming trunks: "In our swimming trunks, even the smallest will look the biggest."
A robot will never replace a man! (Cannibal).
The horns grow the fastest on the bald spot.
Born in a shirt - in one shirt and died.
Relatives are a group of people who are going to periodically re-calculate and eat tasty food on the occasion of a change in their number.
Every year it is harder for women to get used to the fact that she is thirty.

Since the new school year in Uryupinsk secondary school there are no blackboards: there is a display on each desk. The only inconvenience:
not all students, leaving for a break, wash the chalk from the screen with a cloth.
With the posthumous conviction and confiscation of this tombstone.
Gardener Petrov ran his weave in 10.4 seconds. This is a record of our garden.
The gardener Sidorov hung his jacket on the back of a chair, and the birds flew off in fear.
His brightest days he spent in the womb.
The very first kiss a man asks for a woman, the second one requires, the others suffer.
The most lasting marriage is when the husband is the first man of the woman, and the wife is the last woman of the husband.

Police are trying to pull out of the puddle of a drunken sailor.
He fights and yells:
- Not! First, save the women and children!

Husband:
- I don’t like your new hat at all ...
- Well, I can not put a bottle of vodka on my head!

The husband says to his wife:
- Imagine, it turns out, a camel can not drink for a week.
“Eh, what surprised you,” said the wife, “if you hadn't drunk for a week.”

- Sarah, what's in your medallion?
- My husband's hair.
- But he is still alive ...
- He is still alive, but the hair is long gone ...

In the shop:
- You will not find any decent blouse?
- For example, such as me?
- No, cleaner.

- Sorry, you took my place.
- Your place? And can you prove it?
- Can. I left ice cream on it.

Brezhnev reads the report at the party congress:
- Socialist states go nagavno ...
(thinks)
- Happily ... (frowning)
- Happily ... (here they whisper to him: turn the page, they say)
- A leg in step with the times ...

Brezhnev and Gromyko arrived with a friendly visit to an African country. The gangway was surrounded by meeting Africans. On the ramp Brezhnev tossed a coin, looked - "eagle". Then he says to Gromyko:
- Now it's your turn to kiss.

- What are "boobs-masiski", "pussy-misiski", "to whom-boobs"?
- This is Brezhnev in the report met the words "systematic", "pessimistic", "communist".

Three went fishing in the winter. We got to the lake, threw the fishing rods in the hole, and forgotten the vodka at home! They sent one to the nearest village 10 minutes away ... When he came back, he saw that one man had another. Indignantly says:
- Are you crazy? What's going on here?
One says:
- Yes, you will not believe. This fool fell into the hole, and while I got him, he was no longer breathing ...
- And what, it was necessary to have it in the ass? You'd better give him artificial respiration, what-if !!
A peasant sneaks up on another peasant standing at a bus stop and how he will stick him in a bochin. Ohuy man:
- Shcha fucking pussy get !!!
Poke distressedly:
- Well, immediately offended.
A man sits with binoculars in his hand, looks out the window of a women's hostel and is engaged in onanism.
Suddenly notices that someone is sitting nearby and doing the same.
- Who are you fucking ...?
- Look at that red dress.
- And me too. Here is a prostitute!
Neither pi ** dy nor the Red Army is an impotent patient with flat-footedness.
Twenty fourth interrupt
Once in a company at a big table, I and Tolik, two programmers, started a dispute about how to intercept the twenty-fourth interruption.
The rest were not programmers, and therefore were silent, thinking about their own. And only the girl sitting opposite listened attentively to the conversation, and then said:
- Twenty-fourth interruption? That's cool!
You have to pay for the pleasure, otherwise it will be offended and leave.
Yesterday I suppressed all my sexual desires, so much so that only a wet place remained.
Now << idiot >> do not speak, but say << a person with a humanitarian mentality >>.
New Russian roulette: enter the subway, choose the line ...
And yet, there is no such disgusting or holy topic to which a Russian person would not be able to write a good joke.
For jokes we do not imprison. We put in jail.
If you are going to get into a pose - think, suddenly she will seem erotic to someone!
Why drink - not to be avoided!
Own success is good! But someone else's failure is even better!
Keep your powder dry and your condoms in your pocket.
In the underpass one beggar beat another for singing to a phonogram.
Abortion - fucking repair after bad job.
In a country where vodka is cheaper than snacks, people stop chasing and start growing cucumbers and other crap, which inevitably leads to the complete collapse of agriculture and the rise in price for vodka ...
The inscription on the newsstand at the bus stop in the center of the city: “What time is it, will the tram soon come and where is Osama bin Laden - I DON'T KNOW!”.
Do not rush to the first date.
Suddenly have time ....
And for life.
- On Saturday I will go to the bath ... With someone on a pick-up!
Tablets "Antipolitsay."
Only two pills - and the village is free!
Cigarettes "Peter I" - cut through the windows in the lungs!
- And I'm interested in the question: if there was no sex in the Soviet Union, how did we come into the world?
- And our parents went to Poland.
From the news.
In the Uryupinsky registry office raised rabbits.
- What is common between men and sea horses?
- Both those and others consider themselves to be stallions, but in reality they are just defenseless small fishes.
- Monsieur Bonaparte! What are the orders?
- WAR! For starters, we take Spain and Italy!
- Great plan!
- And then Austria-Hungary!
- Great plan!
- And still it is necessary to seize Holland!
- What for?
- Great plan!!!
God, looking thoughtfully at the Earth:
- Yes, in terms of the breeding of peoples through sex with Russia, I, perhaps, missed! Here somehow it was necessary through vodka ...
Remedy for appendicitis.
A glass of cold cedar cones dissolved in elderberry juice. To drip in a nose in two days on the third after operation.
“Why do my hands sweat every time I play the violin?”
- This is not sweat ... This is your violin crying ...
There are two former classmates who have not seen each other for many years.
One to the other:
- What are you doing?
- I am a musician...
- Well - you do not want, do not tell.
Miser pays twice!
I'll go work to the mean.
The announcer announces the stadium:
- At the match Chernomorets - Tavria seven and a half thousand spectators ...
After a short silence he adds:
- And all for Yanukovych!
Vitya Yanukovych from his youth did not like to listen to chamber music ...
Women do not want to hear what men think.
They want to hear what they themselves think, but so that it will be said in a lower voice ...
- Tell me, where could I see you?
- Actually, I'm an actor!
- BUT! Isn't that what you played in the movie "Dumb and Dumber" of that dumber?
- Damn, how I got drunk yesterday - I do not remember anything! I did not bother you as a man? Thank God! And to your husband?
Russia is going to rest in the Ukraine, in the Crimea.
And Ukraine is going to rest in Russia, in the Crimea.
- Honey, you did not bite me at night? So mosquito!
Citizens trying to get into the office out of turn with the words: "I just ask!", "I only sign!" - They are killed on the spot by the orderly.
- The officer?
- Yes, officer !!! You think it is easy for us, the officers. In the morning in transport - if you please, officer, in the afternoon at work - the officer is there, the officer is here, in the evening: "Oh ...
came ... officer ". At night - come on, come on, you're an officer. And come on for this star, and come on for this star ... God, I want to become a major in my heart. Let the star be big - but she is alone .
- Sick, for the hundredth time I repeat: we do not cure amnesia!
- Is that you ?!
- Rabbit - a pervert!
- Oh, just do not! Pervert! An ordinary rabbit!
- Let go ?!
At Neo's girlfriend, all the clothes consisted of one thread across the chest, one around the hips and another one was tied with the ends to the one around the hips, and passed between the legs ...
That's why she was nicknamed “the three threads” - Trinity.
There is a trial of an anti-Semite.
- Accused! Tell something positive about yourself.
- Well ... I'm not a Jew!
Two basketball players talk:
- And what are you using contraceptives?
- A stool.
- ...
- Yes, I have a boyfriend so small that when we fuck he gets on a stool. And I look - as the eyes begin to roll, so I knock the stool out from under him ...
On the morning of January 1, a cry is heard from the nursery:
- Mom, you promised that Santa Claus will give me table football!
And under the tree there is nothing!
- Yes, do not shout like that! I missed you because of your goal ...
There are two friends.
- Where were you?
- I ran for bread
- And that caught up?
- Imagine, I dreamed that I was flying in a dream ...
- And what does it mean?
- It means I'm growing up.
- It would be better for you to dream that your boobs are flying.
Medical Commission in the military.
The turn to the surgeon. In the office is a doctor and several interns. Suddenly, the doctor is called to the phone and he, leaving, leaves one of them instead. One of the waiting list comes up.
Trainee, blushing:
- Lower panties.
He lowers. As soon as she touches a member, he gets up. Trainee:
- Masha, bring a cold wet rag! ..
And so several times. Finally, the guy does not stand:
- Listen, what have I come here for: the medical examination or your wet rags to dry?
Stirlitz stoked the stove. The next day, a note appeared in the newspapers about the brutal murder of a Gestapo employee.
Muller was looking through his notes in the presence of Stirlitz.
- Oka! - said Muller Stirlitz.
- Apopka! - answered that.
Sent came to the hotel, and there all the seats are occupied, except for one, in a double room. He is honestly warned that it is free because the neighbor is snoring unusually loudly and no one can fall asleep there. He agrees, because there is no choice anyway.
In the morning the traveler comes out fresh and rested. He is asked:
- How did you manage to sleep with such a snorer?
- I went into the room - he snores. I walked over, kissed him on the cheek and said, "Good night, nasty" - he woke up, and not only did not snore, but he even did not close his eyes!
We taught at MIEM in the first year of mat.logiku such a funny teacher Duzhsky.
It is impossible to say that he was a pofigist and good-natured, and although he threw many at the session, the people respected him, because the dude was with a sense of humor.
One day, two broken-up people sit under a staircase in a smoking corner in the second building of MIEM, which is in Malaya Pionerka, and talk for a difficult student life.
"Do not say anything, but Duzhsky is a fucking peasant ...", says one.
Then the mentioned one comes down the stairs and, passing by bratushki, says: "Yes, I am that way."
The soldier appeared before the company commander for insulting the sergeant.
- Yesterday, when you returned from dismissal, did you call the sergeant a liar?
- Yes, sir!
- And crazy?
- Yes, sir!
“Did you call him the bug-eyed weakling, the clumsy idol and the hoarse turkey?”
“I don’t remember that, sir!”
“Well, my friend, I must confess to you that the sergeant obviously dislikes me.”
- Where did you get this?
- How from? When he taught me how to throw a grenade, he said that I, holding her in my teeth, pulled the check with my right hand and threw it away. Do you understand? ..
The young farmer, called up for military service, wrote home in a letter: “This army life is a real pleasure.
You can lie in bed until five in the morning. "
Three buddies are killed in a car accident. Get, of course, right on the interview to St.. Petra. Peter sees that the men are completely sad, depressed, and in order to somehow encourage them, he says:
- Well, imagine: go your funeral, you're lying in a coffin, so elegant, solemn, around family, friends. What would you like them to say about you?
The first replies:
- Well, it would be good if they said that I was an excellent family man, a good doctor, saved a lot of people and left a mark on medicine. Second:
- I would like someone to say what a wonderful teacher I was, that I left a mark on the souls of the growing generation, sowed sensible, kind, eternal. Well, that was a good father, husband.
Third:
- And I would like everyone to suddenly shout at once: "Look, it is BABY !!"
Sometimes you have to come up with various reports on work and have long come to the conclusion that modern Russian is very dangerous. So, for example, in a speech I always use “concerned” instead of “concerned”, “possess” or some kind of turnover instead of “have”, “complete” instead of “finish”. But recently I began to notice that it was so much more boring.
And so he took, and completed for the change one of the last speeches:
"I hope that my concern has found a response in your hearts, and therefore I have the honor to finish." For the first time in my life, I tore applause.
“Patrick, Maloney's widow, complained to me that you stole the best pig from her.” It's true?
- Yes, your reverence.
- Well, what did you do with it?
- Slaughtered and eaten, your Reverend.
- Patrick, Patrick! When you have to meet a widow and a pig on the Day of Judgment, what can you say in your defense?
“You say the pig will be there, your Reverend?”
- Of course.
- Then I will tell the widow, your Reverend, here is your pig!
The Scotsman lost one hundred pounds over the evening and complained to his partners:
- Guys, help, I beg you! If my wife finds out that I lost a hundred pounds, she will tear off my head. - Tears appeared on the eyes. - I charge you, give me back the money, otherwise I will not live.
Partners sighed, but returned the money to him.
“Guys,” continued the loser, “then give me another fifty pounds so that my wife would think that I won!”
A Scottish farmer advertised in a marriage newspaper that a dairy cow would also be in the daughter’s dowry. For the sake of economy, he reduced the announcement to a minimum, and it looked like this: "The one who marries my daughter will get possession of a good cow!"
In light of the improvement in the quality of work with clients and the increase in services, I recommend replacing the following speech turnovers:
1. "Hooey goats pinned?" - "What are you interested in?"
2. "Every poeben" - "Assortment of goods"
3. "Fuck I will!" - "The company gives a guarantee"
4. "Where do they get these assholes?" - "Leave the coordinates of your company"
5. "Shove it in your ass" - "It needs to be improved"
6. "I am afraid on the pidaras!" - "I personally control the execution"
7. "I fucked in your mouth!" - "Your proposal does not interest us"
8. "What the fuck?" - "This paragraph is a mistake"
9. "Here is what the hell!" - "Tell me, what did you finish?"
10. "Fuck you in the ass!" - "Discounts are not provided"
11. "Cotton Swing" - "Client"
12. "Goat fucking" - "Client"
13. "Khuylo ochkastoe" - "Perspective client"
14. "Zaebal already" - "What else would you like to know?"
15. "Dick up" - "High-tech developments ..."
16. "Fuck you" - "Talk to my colleague ..."
17. "You can get tired!" - "Really?"
18. "Fuck you, you fagot ..." - "Always happy to see you!"

“Of course, you can rejuvenate as you please, Helen, but still remember that there must be at least nine months difference between you and your daughter.”

On the chauffeur courses: - Lord, how many different rules! Human life is not enough to break them all!

The lady at the zoo admires ostriches.
“Please tell me,” she asked the minister. “Do they ever drop feathers?”
“Usually not, madam, but they can drop it if they see ten dollars.”

How to take a shower like a woman.
1. Remove clothes and place them in different wardrobe sections with dirty laundry depending on the color.
2. Put on a long bathrobe and go to the bathroom. If the husband gets on the road, then cover up all that opened.
3. Look in the mirror at your feminine appearance and decide what you need to do more squats.
4. Get in the shower. Use a washcloth for the face, a washcloth for hands, a washcloth for the legs, a long washcloth for the back, a wide washcloth, and pumice for the feet.
5. Rinse hair with cucumber and sage.
6. Rinse the hair again to keep it clean.
7. Use the conditioner from grapefruit and mint, with the addition of natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.
8. Rub in the face rubbing of the crushed abikosov until it turns red.
9. Wash the rest of the body with body gel with the addition of dry ginger and porous chocolate with an orange flavor.
10. Resent the fact that your husband eats body gel with the addition of dry ginger and porous chocolate with an orange flavor.
11. Wash conditioner out of hair.
12. Shave armpits and legs.
13. Turn off the shower.
14. Wipe wet places in the shower. Spray all stains in on Tilex ceramic tiles.
15. Get out of the shower on the towel on the floor. Wipe off with a towel the size of a European country. Wrap hair in a super absorbent towel.
16. Hang a towel from the floor to the edge of the bath.
17. Check the whole body for specks.
18. Snatch unwanted hairs with tweezers.
19. Return to the bedroom, dressed in a long bathrobe and with a towel on his head.
20. If the husband gets on the road, then cover up all that opened.

How to take a shower like a man.
1. Sitting on the edge of the bed, take off your clothes and throw them in a heap.
2. Go naked to the bathroom. If the wife gets on the road, then shake a member in her direction, while publishing the "oh-oh-oh"!
3. Look in the mirror at your manly appearance. Marvel at the size of your cock and scratch your ass.
4. Get in the shower.
5. Wash face.
6. Clean the armpits.
7. Blow his nose in hand and rinse with water.
8. Make fart sounds (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they sound in the shower.
9. Spend most of the time, washing the intimate places and around them.
10. Wash your ass, leaving the hair off your ass on a bar of soap.
11. Wash hair with shampoo.
12. Taste gel for the body with the addition of dry ginger and porous chocolate.

- Lydia, let's go make sexual intercourse.
- Yes, Edward, my mood is also coital.
- Take off your clothes.
- And you, my friend.
“Lydia, your breasts are regular.”
- Edward, your erection is powerful.
- Let's apply posture 83. In this case, the penetration is optimal.
- Be tactful with me.
“I insert a penis into your vagina, Lydia.”
- I am seized by passion, Edward. My body burns. Slightly higher if you can.
- I'm starting frictions.
- You can increase the amplitude, Edward.
“Lydia, your breasts are regular.”
- Thank you, Edward. Your frictions do not leave me indifferent.
- We continue intercourse.
- Edward. I culminated.
- Me too, Lydia. Quite violently.
- Thank.
- Thank.

American scientists linguists, after analyzing the experience of fighting in Okinawa during the Second World War, came to the conclusion that in the battle of small units, the Americans predominantly won. There are an average of five and a half characters in English in a word, and eleven in Japanese. If you need to give a quick order, this factor is decisive for the speed of interaction and, ultimately, the victory. In Russian, an average of seven and a half characters in a word, but during dangerous situations, they switch to profanity, which reduces the number of characters to three. This is due to the fact that whole sentences are replaced by individual words. For example, the order << Ivanov, I order you to open fire on an enemy tank, firing on our positions! >> sounds like this << Ivanov, ё @ ka won because x @ y! >>

Two gentlemen are riding in the same compartment. Hour silent, another.
Finally, one says to the other:
“Let me introduce myself, my name is John White, and you?”
To which the second gentleman replies:
- I am not here, I am out...

Once Bernard Shaw dropped the phrase that all women are corrupt.
The Queen of England, upon learning of this, when meeting with Shaw asked:
“Is it true, sir, that you claim that all women are corrupt?”
- Yes, your majesty.
- And me too?! - the queen was indignant.
“And you, too, your majesty,” Shaw replied calmly.
- And how much do I stand ?! - burst out from the queen.
“Ten thousand pounds,” Shaw said immediately.
- What, so cheap ?! - the queen was surprised.
“You see, you are already bargaining,” the playwright smiled.

A foreign sailor once asked his English colleague why the British fleet so often triumphed.
“It's easy to explain,” the Englishman replied. - We always pray before the battle.
- But we also pray! - exclaimed a foreigner.
- But we pray in English!

A woman should be with a twist. At least one tit more than another.
Exclusively for men - Easter tattoo.
If it is true that the bum is the second face of a woman, then the double beauty is not an automata ...
Terrible Russian service, senseless and merciless ...
But in the harems each other’s wives not only ponder, but they are subject too!
Fate is when a man wins a woman in cards.
It is easier to find a needle in a haystack than a vibrating mobile phone in a handbag.
The probability of meeting a friend increases when you walk down the street with the one with which you do not want to be seen together.
Every woman is a mystery. You can never guess how much it will cost you!
Big hedgehog does not scare small ass!

- And I kissed the best in the class! Wow, how I kissed! Already behind the ears popped! I even had a nickname - "Vantus"!

- I, please, 39 sweet cherries.
- You, probably, were already in the sausage section?
- Yes, why?!
- There the seller is crazy ...

Spouses:
- Why marry if you are not able to buy her a mink coat and at least once show France?
- Why get married if you have not learned how to serve beer in time and how to properly blowjob?

2025 The composition of the stool of the average European:
- water;
- organic filler;
- brown dye;
- thickener (Е415);
- preservative (Е202);
- flavor identical to natural.

- Doctor! Something incomprehensible is happening with my husband!
- What?
- Imagine! When he gets up to the toilet at night, he dresses like an office job! Умывается, бреется, надевает свежую рубашку, галстук, чистит ботинки, целует меня и идет в туалет, уточнять какие-то планы. А потом раздевается и опять ложится!
- Хм, интересный случай! Но, я думаю, это не так уж страшно!
- Yes! Но утром он идёт на работу в одних трусах, не умывавшись и прямо в вестибюле отливает!

Мой муж - полный придурок.
Мои дети - просто животные.
Моя свекровь - о ней вообще лучше не стоит.
За это они жрут каждый день долбаный Маggу...

From life.
Еду я со своей девушкой в лифте...
Не помню, про что мы там поспорили - но она говорит:
- Сейчас как закричу!
- Ну сама подумай: сейчас приедет милиция, увезут меня в отделение, отобьют мне яйца...
Она меня обнимает, целует и нежно говорит:
- Не буду кричать... Я тебе их лучше сама отобью!

- Знаете, люблю в теплый осенний денёк побродить по лесу с ружьишком...
- На охоту?
- Нет, по грибы... Бывало, подойдёшь так к грибникам - и скажешь просто: ух ты - сколько грибов насобирали!

Коровка-коровка улети на небо
Принеси мне... м... м... м...
Тертагидроканабиола,
Ништяков всяких,
и Мотыгу!

- Хочешь ворочать миллионами? Устраивайся на монетный двор грузчиком.

2037 год.
- Алло, это "Тайд"? Наши соседи до сих пор кипятят бельё!

Девица устраивается на работу в секретный отдел.
Кадровик:
- А как насчёт допуска?
- Ой, пожалуйста - только не в анал!

- Привет, пригласи меня сегодня в кино?
- Извини, нет... я ещё до конца не выздоровел.
- А с чего ты решил, что тебе там понадобится конец?

"Говорят, что друзья не растут в огороде...".
Really. Пригласил тут друзей на дачу. Они напились, попадали прямо в грядки, там и уснули...
Так на утро ни один ни на сантиметр не вырос!

А ведь права народная мудрость: Всех денег заработать нельзя!!!
В то же время... пропить можно...!

Маршрутка, поздняя осень, утро, на улице -10, снег, слякоть, все спешат на работу.
Раз красный свет, два красный свет, три... Все нервничают, злятся, висят друг у друга на головах.
Очередной красный свет...
Водитель поворачивается к пассажирам:
- Голосуем! Кто за то, чтобы ехать на красный свет?

- Чем отличается жена от проститутки?
- Жена рассказывает, куда тратит ваши деньги...

From life.
Приятель рассказывал, как перечитывая давеча "Войну и мир", и наткнувшись на фразу "Пьер Безухов распечатал письмо", минут пять пытался понять - каким образом ему это удалось и где он нашёл принтер...

Девочки по вызову...
Если заказываешь больше одной - платишь только за последнюю!
Все входящие бесплатно!

Мой брат всё время хотел стать космонавтом...
А я врачом, чтобы вылечить брата.

Враги отравили, подсыпав цианистый калий и пурген...
Вроде, время умирать - а НЕКОГДА!!!

- Hello! Вы почему не шлёте научный отчёт за этот год?
- Да он по содержанию точно такой же как за прошлый год. Вы дату на титуле поменяйте - и всё!
- Ладно... А вы поменяйте дату в ведомости на зарплату...

Претендент проходит интервью по найму на работу. Менеджер объясняет задачу:
- Приходишь на работу, включаешь рубильник, сидишь 8 часов, выключаешь рубильник, идёшь домой. Got it?
Претендент:
- Не понял...
Manager:
- Приходишь на работу, включаешь рубильник, сидишь 8 часов, выключаешь рубильник, идёшь домой. Got it?
Претендент:
- Не понял...
Manager:
- Приходишь на работу, включаешь рубильник, сидишь 8 часов, выключаешь рубильник, идёшь домой. Got it?
Претендент:
- Ну ты, блин, тупой, я тебе третий раз говорю - не понял!

Волка прижало по секс-части - ну просто невмоготу. Вокруг никого нет - шарился, шарился - видит, конь пасётся...
- Конь - давай я тебя сегодня трахну, а ты меня - завтра.
Конь ломался, ломался - но волчара его уговорил. Засадил волк коню - чё-то свободно...
Волк говорит:
- Ты хоть булками-то пошевели...
Ну, конь пошевелил - волк кончил.
На следующий день конь засадил волку - и говорит:
- Ты булками-то пошевели...
А волк:
- Если бы я мог хоть голову повернуть - я бы тебе глотку перегрыз!

- Але, здравствуйте. Могу я сделать вам признание?
- Вы куда звоните? Кто вам нужен?
- Да мне без разницы. Лишь бы выслушали.
- Я вам что, телефон доверия?
- Ну, в некотором роде. So here. Я человека избил.
- Как это?
- Сидели с приятелем, пиво пили, мирно беседовали. Вдруг в голове у меня как переклинило что-то. Взял бутылку и - хлоп! - приятеля по голове!
- Ужас! Он хоть живой, приятель-то?
- Оклемался вроде...
- Такие признания в милиции делаются. Туда и обращайтесь.
- Обращался. Не верят. Думают, что шучу я. Вы-то мне хоть верите?
- На все сто. Всё?
- Ой, подождите, не вешайте трубку... Так, знаете ли, приятно пообщаться с родственной душой. Кто понимает и, главное, верит тебе. Может, пересечёмся где-нибудь на нейтральной территории? Поболтаем, пивка попьём! Я угощаю!