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My Blog: Jokes jokes jokes stories

The worker of the steel shop Frol Vedrishchev was a man of little literate and pedantic German specialists, who often came to the plant, called "fagots". To which they contemptuously snorted and in retaliation called him "Froilein".
For the sake of the lady, the gentleman throws money, and the donjuan - to another lady.
Undress and conquer!
Reproduction by division: people are divided into fools and clever.
Previously, we had one Communist Party, and it was bad for us, and now it has split into many new parties, and it has become as much worse for us.
Raskolnikov haggled at an old woman with one ax.
Recognize a man who had many women, only a woman who had many men.

The Ministry of Internal Affairs is equipped with technical means. From now on, each microphone whistle will be accompanied by a microphone, amplifier and a pair of speakers to create a stereo effect.
The expenses for a funeral are such that it is cheaper to live.
The editor is the person who separates the grains from garbage and prints ... garbage.
Advertising of swimming trunks: "In our swimming trunks, even the smallest will look the largest."
A robot will never replace a person! (The Ogre).
The horns grow faster on the bald spot.
Born in a shirt - in one shirt and died.
Relatives are a group of people who are going to periodically recount and eat deliciously on the occasion of a change in their quantity.
With each passing year, it becomes more difficult for a woman to get used to the fact that she is thirty.

Since the new school year in Uryupinsk secondary school there are no classboards: on each desk there is a display. The only inconvenience:
Not all students, leaving for a change, wipe the chalk off the screen with a cloth.
With posthumous condemnation and confiscation of this tombstone.
Gardener Petrov ran his weave in 10.4 seconds. This is the record of our garden.
Gardener Sidorov hung his jacket on the back of the chair, and the birds fled in fear.
The brightest of his days he spent in the womb.
The very first kiss of a man from a woman asks, the second - demands, the rest - tolerates.
The most lasting marriage, when the husband is the first man of a woman, and the wife is the last woman of her husband.

The policemen are trying to get a drunken sailor out of the puddle.
He fights and yells:
- No! First save women and children!

"I do not like your new hat at all ..."
"Well, I can not put a bottle of vodka on my head!"

The husband says to his wife:
- Imagine, it turns out, a camel can not drink for a whole week.
"Ah, I was surprised," said the wife, "if you had not been drinking for a week."

"Sarah, what's in your locket?"
"My husband's hair."
"But he's still alive ..."
"He's still alive, but there's no hair for a long time ..."

In the shop:
- Do not you have any decent blouse?
- For example, such as on me?
- No, cleaner.

"I'm sorry, you took my place."
- Your place? And you can prove it?
- I can. I left ice cream on it.

Brezhnev reads the report at the party congress:
- Socialist states are going to the ground ...
- Naghavno ... (frowns)
- Naghavno ... (here they whisper to him: turn, they say, the page)
- Keep up with the times ...

Brezhnev and Gromyko flew a friendly visit to an African country. The ladder was surrounded by the meeting Africans. On the ladder Brezhnev threw a coin, looked - "eagle". Then he says to Gromyko:
"Now it's your turn to kiss."

- What are "tits-masiski", "pussy-mysiski", "who-sisiski"?
- This Brezhnev in the report met the words "systematic," "pessimistic," "communistic."

Went three to fish in the winter. We reached the lake, put the fishing rods in the ice-hole, and forgot the vodka! They sent one to the nearest village in 10 minutes of walking ... When he came back, he sees that one man has another. Indignantly says:
- Are you foolish at all? What's going on here?
One says:
"You would not believe it." This fool fell into an ice hole, and while I got it, he was no longer breathing ...
- And what, it was necessary to have him in the ass? You'd better give him artificial respiration, what-if !!
Sneaks up the man to the other guy standing at the stop and pokes him in the barrel with a fork. The man ohuel:
- SchA fucking pussy get!
Tkknuvshy sorry:
- Well, immediately offended.
Sits a man with binoculars in his hand, looks out the window of the female hostel and is engaged in masturbation.
Suddenly, she notes that someone is sitting next to him and doing the same.
- Who are you fucking ...?
"There's that one in the red dress."
- And me too. Here's a prostitute!
Neither pi ** d nor the Red Army - impotent with flat feet.
Twenty-fourth interrupt
Once in the company at a big table, I and Tolik, two programmers, started a dispute about how to intercept the twenty-fourth interruption.
The rest were not programmers, and therefore were silent, thinking about their own. And only the girl sitting opposite, carefully listened to the conversation, and then she said:
"The twenty-fourth interruption?" That's cool!
For pleasure you have to pay, otherwise it will be offended and go away.
Yesterday I suppressed all my sexual desires, so much so that only a wet place remained.
Now the "fool" does not speak, but they say << a person with a humanitarian mentality >>.
New Russian roulette: you enter the subway, choose a line ...
And yet, there is no such loathsome or holy theme that a Russian person could not write a good anecdote.
We do not put jokes for jokes. We are imprisoned.
Going to stand in a pose - think, suddenly it will seem to somebody erotic!
What to drink - that can not be avoided!
Own success - good! But someone else's failure is even better!
Keep the gunpowder dry, and the condoms in your pocket.
In the underground passage one beggar beat another because he was singing to the soundtrack.
Abortion - boring repairs after the foul work.
In a country where vodka is cheaper than snacks, people cease to drive moonshine and begin to grow cucumbers and other crap, which inevitably leads to the complete collapse of agriculture and the rise in price of vodka ...
The inscription on the newsstand at a stop in the city center: "What time, whether the tram will soon arrive and where Osama bin Laden - I DO NOT KNOW!".
Do not rush on the first date.
Suddenly have time ....
And for life.
- I'm going to the baths on Saturday ... With someone playing!
Antipolitic tablets.
Just two tablets - and the village is free!
Cigarettes "Peter I" - open the windows in the lungs!
- And I'm interested in the question: if there were no sex in the Soviet Union, then how did we come to light?
- And our parents went to Poland.
From the news.
In the Uryupinsk registry office bred rabbits.
"What do men and seahorses have in common?"
- Both those and others consider themselves stallions, but in fact they are just defenseless small fishes.
"Monsieur Bonaparte!" What will be the orders?
- WAR! First we will take Spain and Italy!
- Great plan!
"And then Austria-Hungary!"
- Great plan!
"And you have to capture Holland!"
- What for?
- Great plan!!!
God, looking thoughtfully at the Earth:
- Yes, as far as reproduction of peoples through sex with Russia is concerned, I, perhaps, missed! Here somehow it was necessary through vodka ...
Remedy for appendicitis.
A glass of cold cedar cones dissolve in elderberry juice. To drip in a nose in two days on the third after operation.
"Why do I sweat my hands every time I play the violin?"
- It's not sweat ... It's your violin cries ...
There are two former classmates who have not seen each other for many years.
To one another:
- What are you doing?
- I am a musician...
- Well - do not want to, do not say.
Miser pays twice!
I'll go to work for the stingy.
The announcer announces the stadium:
- At the match Chernomorets - Tavria, seven and a half thousand spectators ...
After a pause, he adds:
- And all for Yanukovych!
Vitya Yanukovich from the youth did not like to listen to chamber music ...
Women do not want to hear what men think.
They want to hear what they think themselves, but that it should be said in a lower voice ...
"Tell me, where did I see you?"
- Actually, I'm an actor!
- A! It's not you who played in the movie "Dumb and Dumber" of the one who is even dumber?
- Damn, how I got drunk yesterday - I do not remember anything! I'm not bothering you like a man? Thank God! And to your husband?
Russia is going to rest in Ukraine, Crimea.
And Ukraine is going to rest in Russia, in the Crimea.
"Honey, did you bite me at night?" Means, a mosquito!
Citizens trying to enter the office without a queue with the words: "I only ask!", "I just sign!" - they are killed on the spot by the orderly on duty.
- Officer?
- Yes, officer! You think it's easy for us, officers. In the morning in transport - be so kind, officer, in the afternoon at work - an officer there, an officer here, in the evening: "Oh ...
an officer came in. At night, well, come on, come on, you're an officer, and for this star, let's go, and for this asterisk ... God, how you want to become a major in the heart. Let the asterisk be big - but it's the same .
- Ill, for the hundredth time I repeat: we do not treat amnesia!
- This is what you have ?!
"Rabbit is a pervert!"
- Oh, just do not! Pervert! The usual rabbit!
- Let go ?!
At Neo's girlfriend, the whole clothes consisted of one thread of the chest, one around the hips and one was tied with the ends to the one around the hips, and was passed between the legs ...
For this, she was nicknamed "three threads" - Trinity.
There is a trial of an anti-Semite.
"Accused!" Tell us about yourself something positive.
"Well ... I'm not a Jew!"
Two basketball players are talking:
- And what contraceptive do you use?
- Stool.
- ...
- Yes, my boyfriend is so small that when he fucks he climbs on a stool. And I look - as the eyes begin to roll, so the stool from under it I knock out ...
In the morning of the first of January a cry is heard from the children's room:
- Mom, you promised that Santa Claus will give me table football!
And under the Christmas tree there is nothing!
"Do not scream like that!" I missed you because of you ...
There are two friends.
- Where have you been?
- I ran for bread
- And that, caught up?
- Imagine, I dreamed that I was flying in a dream ...
- And what does it mean?
"It means that I'm growing."
"You should have dreamed that your boobs are flying."
The medical board in the military enlistment office.
Turn to the surgeon. In the office, a doctor and several trainees. Suddenly a doctor is called to the phone and he leaves one of them, leaving. One of the waiting lists is coming up.
Trainee, blushing:
"Put your pants down."
He lowers. As soon as she touches the penis, he gets up. Trainee:
- Masha, bring a cold wet cloth! ..
And so several times. Finally the guy can not stand it:
"Look, I came here for something: do you dry it on the medical board or your wet rags?"
Stirlitz drowned a burzhuyk. The next day a note appeared in the newspapers about the brutal murder of a Gestapo employee.
Müller looked through his records in the presence of Stirlitz.
- Letters! said Müller Stirlitz.
- Apopka! - he answered.
The commander came to the hotel, and there all the seats are occupied, except one, in a double room. He is honestly warned that it is free because the neighbor snores loudly loudly, and no one there can fall asleep. He agrees, because there is still no choice.
In the morning the traveler comes out fresh and rested. He is asked:
- How did you manage to sleep with such a snorer?
- I went into the room - he snores. I approached, kissed his cheek and said "Good night, nasty" - he woke up, and not only did not snore, but even did not close his eyes!
Teached us in the MIEM in the first year of mat.logic amusing such a teacher Dujsky.
It can not be said that he was naughty and good-natured, and although he poured out many at the session, the people respected him, because the dude was with a sense of humor.
Sit once two razdolbaya under the stairs in the smoking corner in the second building of MIEM, which is at the Little Pioneer and talk over a difficult student life.
"Do not say anything, but Duzhsky is a bitch ...", says one.
Then he comes down the stairs and, passing by his brothers, says: "Yes, I am."
The soldier appeared before the commander of the company for insulting the sergeant.
"Yesterday, when you returned from dismissal, did you call the sergeant a liar?"
- Yes, sir!
- And nuts?
- Yes, sir!
"And you called him a blond-eyed wimp, a club-footed idol and a hoarse turkey?"
"I do not remember that now, sir!"
"Well, my friend, I must admit that the sergeant does not like me."
"Where did you get this from?"
- How from where? When he taught me throwing a grenade, he told me to hold it in my mouth and pull it with my right hand and throw it away. Do you understand? ..
A young farmer, called up for military service, wrote in a letter home: "This army life is a complete pleasure.
You can lie in bed until five in the morning. "
Three friends die in a car accident. They fall, of course, directly in an interview with St. To Peter. Peter sees that the peasants are very sad, dejected, and to somehow encourage them, he says:
- Well, imagine: your funeral is going on, you are lying in a coffin, so elegant, solemn, around the family, friends. What would you like them to say about you?
The first answers:
- Well, it would be nice if they said that I was a wonderful family man, a good doctor, saved a lot of people and left a trace in medicine. Second:
"I would like someone to say how wonderful I was as a teacher, that I left a trace in the souls of the growing generation, I sowed reasonable, good, eternal." Well, that was a good father, husband.
The third:
- And I would like everyone to suddenly shout at once: "Look, it's HAPPY!"
Sometimes it is necessary to make various reports on the work and has long come to the conclusion that the modern Russian language is very dangerous. So, for example, in a speech I always use "worried" instead of "anxious", "possess" or some kind of turn instead of "have", "complete" instead of "finish." But recently I began to notice that it is so much more boring.
And then he took, and completed for a change one of the last speeches:
"I hope that my concern has found a response in your hearts, and therefore I have the honor to finish." For the first time in my life I threw off applause.
"Patrick, Maloney's widow complained to me that you stole the very best pig from her." It's true?
"Yes, your Reverence."
"Well, what did you do to him?"
"I slaughtered and ate, your Reverence."
"Patrick, Patrick!" When you have to meet a widow and a pig on the day of the Last Judgment, what can you say in your defense?
"You say that the pig will be there, too, your Reverence?"
- Of course.
"Then I'll tell the widow, your Reverence, here's your pig!"
The Scot lost for the evening a hundred pounds sterling and plaintively turned to his partners:
- Guys, help, I implore you! If the wife finds out that I lost a hundred pounds, she will tear my head. - Tears appeared in my eyes. "I adjure you, return the money to me, otherwise I will not live."
Partners sighed, but they returned the money.
"Guys," the loser went on, "give me another fifty pounds then, so that my wife thinks I won!"
A Scottish farmer advertised in a marriage newspaper that a dowry cow would also be in his dowry. He reduced the announcement to a minimum for saving, and it looked like this: "Anyone who marries my daughter will get a good cow!"
In the light of improving the quality of work with clients and increasing the services I recommend to replace, the following speech speed:
1. "Hula goats stuck?" - "What are you interested in?"
2. "Any fucking" - "Assortment of goods"
3. "Shit I will!" - "The firm gives a guarantee"
4. "Where are these assholes taken?" - "Leave the coordinates of your company"
5. "Shove yourself in the ass" - "Needed in the finalization"
6. "I'm afraid of piedaras!" - "I personally control the implementation"
7. "I fucked in my mouth!" - "Your offer does not interest us"
8. "What the fuck?" - "There is an error in this paragraph"
9. "Here's the fucking shit!" - "Tell me, did you finish?"
10. "Fuck you in the ass!" - "Discounts are not provided"
11. "Mudilo vatnoe" - "Client"
12. "Goat fucking" - "Customer"
13. "Hulo bespectacled" - "Perspirictive client"
14. "Zaebal already" - "What else would you like to know?"
15. "A dick squelch" - "High-tech development ..."
16. "Fuck you" - "Talk to my colleague ..."
17. "You can hide!" - "Really?"
18. "Fuck, pidar ..." - "Always happy to see you!"

"You can, of course, be as young as you like, Helen, but still remember that between you and your daughter there must be at least nine months of difference."

On the courses of drivers: - Lord, how many different rules! Human life is not enough to break them all!

The lady at the zoo admires the ostriches.
"Tell me, please," she asked the attendant. "Do they ever drop their feathers?"
"Usually not, madam, but they can drop if they see ten dollars."

How to take a shower like a woman.
1. Remove clothing and place it in various sections of the cabinet with dirty laundry, depending on the color.
2. Dress in a long robe and go to the bathroom. If the husband gets on the road, then cover up everything that is flung open.
3. Look in the mirror at your feminine appearance and decide that you need to do more squats.
4. Get into the shower. Use a sponge for the face, a bast for hands, a bast for feet, a long sponge for back, a wide loofah, and also pumice for feet.
5. Rinse the hair with a cucumber and sage.
6. Wash your hair again so that it is clean.
7. Use the conditioner from grapefruit and mint, with the addition of natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.
8. Rub in the face mopping from the crushed abiotic, until it turns red.
9. Wash the rest of the body with body gel with the addition of dry ginger and porous chocolate with orange flavor.
10. To be indignant with the fact that your husband eats body gel with the addition of dry ginger and porous chocolate with orange flavor.
11. Rinse the conditioner off the hair.
12. Shave armpits and legs.
13. Turn off the shower.
14. Wipe the damp places in the shower. Spray all the stains in on Tilex ceramic tiles.
15. Get out of the shower on the towel on the floor. Wipe yourself with a towel the size of a European country. Turn hair into a super absorbent towel.
16. Hang a towel from the floor on the edge of the tub.
17. Check the whole body for spots.
18. Pull out unwanted hairs with tweezers.
19. Return to the bedroom, dressed in a long robe and with a towel on his head.
20. If the husband gets on the road, then cover everything that has flung open.

How to take a shower like a man.
1. Sitting on the edge of the bed, take off your clothes and throw it in a heap.
2. Go naked to the bathroom. If the wife gets on the road, then shake a member in its direction, while issuing <y-y-uh>!
3. Look in the mirror at your manly appearance. Admire the size of your cock and scratch your ass.
4. Get into the shower.
5. Wash your face.
6. Wash your armpits.
7. Blow your nose in the hand and rinse with water.
8. Publish farting sounds (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they sound in the shower.
9. Spend the main time washing the intimate places and around them.
10. Wash your ass, leaving hair from your ass on a piece of soap.
11. Wash your hair with shampoo.
12. Try a body gel with the addition of dry ginger and porous chocolate

"Lydia, let's go have sex."
- Yes, Edward, my mood is also co-author.
- Take off your clothes.
"And you, my friend."
"Lydia, your breast is of the right shape."
"Edward, your erection is powerful."
- Let's apply the pose 83. In this case, the penetration is optimal.
"Be tactful with me."
"I'm putting the penis in your vagina, Lydia."
"I'm filled with passion, Edward. My body is burning. Slightly higher, if possible.
- Starting frictions.
- You can increase the amplitude, Edward.
"Lydia, your breast is of the right shape."
"Thank you, Edward." Your frictions do not leave me indifferent.
- We continue congress.
- Edward. I culminated.
"Me too, Lydia." It's quite stormy.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.

American scholar linguists, after analyzing the experience of fighting in Okinawa during the Second World War, came to the conclusion that the Americans predominated in the battle of small units. In English, the word has an average of five and a half characters, and in Japanese eleven. If necessary, give a quick order, this factor is the determining speed of interaction and, ultimately, victory. In Russian, an average of seven and a half characters in a word, but during dangerous situations they switch to offensive language, which reduces the number of characters to three. This is due to the fact that whole sentences are replaced by separate words. For example, the order "Ivanov, I order to open fire on an enemy tank that fires on our positions!" Sounds like this: "Ivanov, e @ no kawn for that x @ yu!"

Two gentlemen ride in one compartment. One hour is silent, the other.
Finally, to one another says:
"May I introduce myself, my name is John White, and you?"
To which the second gentleman replies:
- I am not here, I am out...

Once Bernard Shaw dropped the phrase that all women are corrupt.
The English queen, upon learning of this, when she met Shaw, asked:
"Is it true, sir, that you are saying that all women are corrupt?"
"Yes, Your Majesty."
- And me too?! said the queen indignantly.
"And so are you, Your Majesty," Shaw said calmly.
"And how much am I worth?" snapped the queen.
"Ten thousand pounds sterling," Shaw said immediately.
- What, so cheap ?! the queen was surprised.
"You see, you are already bargaining," the playwright smiled.

A foreign sailor once asked his English colleague why the British fleet so often wins.
"It's easy to explain," the Englishman replied. "We always pray before the battle begins."
"But we also pray!" exclaimed the foreigner.
"But we pray in English!"

A woman should be with a twist. At least one tit is bigger than the other.
Exclusively for men - Easter tattoo.
If it is true that the butt is the woman's second face, then double beauty is an uncharacteristic phenomenon ...
Strashen Russian service, senseless and merciless ...
But in the harems of the wife each other not only sit up, but also podlezhivayut!
Fate is when a man wins a woman in cards.
It is easier to find a needle in a haystack than a vibrating mobile phone in a purse.
The likelihood of meeting a friend increases when you walk down the street with someone you do not want to see together.
Every woman is a mystery. You'll never guess how much it will cost you!
The big hedgehog does not intimidate the little ass!

- And I'm the best kisser in the class! Wow, how I kissed! Already behind his ears cracked! I even had a nickname - "Vantus"!

- To me, please, 39 cherishen.
- You, probably already in the sausage department were?
- Yes, why?!
- There's a crazy seller ...

- Why marry, if you are not able to buy her a mink coat and at least once show France?
- Why marry, if you still have not learned how to serve beer in time and do the right blowjob?

2025 year. The composition of the stool of the average European:
- water;
- filler organic;
- the dye is brown;
thickener (E415);
- preservative (E202);
- flavor, identical to natural.

- Doctor! With my husband something is going on incomprehensible!
- What?
- Imagine it! Он когда ночью встает в туалет, то одевается как на работу в офис! Умывается, бреется, надевает свежую рубашку, галстук, чистит ботинки, целует меня и идет в туалет, уточнять какие-то планы. А потом раздевается и опять ложится!
- Хм, интересный случай! Но, я думаю, это не так уж страшно!
- Yes! Но утром он идёт на работу в одних трусах, не умывавшись и прямо в вестибюле отливает!

Мой муж - полный придурок.
Мои дети - просто животные.
Моя свекровь - о ней вообще лучше не стоит.
За это они жрут каждый день долбаный Маggу...

From life.
Еду я со своей девушкой в лифте...
Не помню, про что мы там поспорили - но она говорит:
- Сейчас как закричу!
- Ну сама подумай: сейчас приедет милиция, увезут меня в отделение, отобьют мне яйца...
Она меня обнимает, целует и нежно говорит:
- Не буду кричать... Я тебе их лучше сама отобью!

- Знаете, люблю в теплый осенний денёк побродить по лесу с ружьишком...
- На охоту?
- Нет, по грибы... Бывало, подойдёшь так к грибникам - и скажешь просто: ух ты - сколько грибов насобирали!

Коровка-коровка улети на небо
Принеси мне... м... м... м...
Ништяков всяких,
и Мотыгу!

- Хочешь ворочать миллионами? Устраивайся на монетный двор грузчиком.

2037 год.
- Алло, это "Тайд"? Наши соседи до сих пор кипятят бельё!

Девица устраивается на работу в секретный отдел.
- А как насчёт допуска?
- Ой, пожалуйста - только не в анал!

- Привет, пригласи меня сегодня в кино?
- Извини, нет... я ещё до конца не выздоровел.
- А с чего ты решил, что тебе там понадобится конец?

"Говорят, что друзья не растут в огороде...".
Really. Пригласил тут друзей на дачу. Они напились, попадали прямо в грядки, там и уснули...
Так на утро ни один ни на сантиметр не вырос!

А ведь права народная мудрость: Всех денег заработать нельзя!!!
В то же время... пропить можно...!

Маршрутка, поздняя осень, утро, на улице -10, снег, слякоть, все спешат на работу.
Раз красный свет, два красный свет, три... Все нервничают, злятся, висят друг у друга на головах.
Очередной красный свет...
Водитель поворачивается к пассажирам:
- Голосуем! Кто за то, чтобы ехать на красный свет?

- Чем отличается жена от проститутки?
- Жена рассказывает, куда тратит ваши деньги...

From life.
Приятель рассказывал, как перечитывая давеча "Войну и мир", и наткнувшись на фразу "Пьер Безухов распечатал письмо", минут пять пытался понять - каким образом ему это удалось и где он нашёл принтер...

Девочки по вызову...
Если заказываешь больше одной - платишь только за последнюю!
Все входящие бесплатно!

Мой брат всё время хотел стать космонавтом...
А я врачом, чтобы вылечить брата.

Враги отравили, подсыпав цианистый калий и пурген...
Вроде, время умирать - а НЕКОГДА!!!

- Hello! Вы почему не шлёте научный отчёт за этот год?
- Да он по содержанию точно такой же как за прошлый год. Вы дату на титуле поменяйте - и всё!
- Ладно... А вы поменяйте дату в ведомости на зарплату...

Претендент проходит интервью по найму на работу. Менеджер объясняет задачу:
- Приходишь на работу, включаешь рубильник, сидишь 8 часов, выключаешь рубильник, идёшь домой. Do you understand?
- Не понял...
- Приходишь на работу, включаешь рубильник, сидишь 8 часов, выключаешь рубильник, идёшь домой. Do you understand?
- Не понял...
- Приходишь на работу, включаешь рубильник, сидишь 8 часов, выключаешь рубильник, идёшь домой. Do you understand?
- Ну ты, блин, тупой, я тебе третий раз говорю - не понял!

Волка прижало по секс-части - ну просто невмоготу. Вокруг никого нет - шарился, шарился - видит, конь пасётся...
- Конь - давай я тебя сегодня трахну, а ты меня - завтра.
Конь ломался, ломался - но волчара его уговорил. Засадил волк коню - чё-то свободно...
Волк говорит:
- Ты хоть булками-то пошевели...
Ну, конь пошевелил - волк кончил.
На следующий день конь засадил волку - и говорит:
- Ты булками-то пошевели...
А волк:
- Если бы я мог хоть голову повернуть - я бы тебе глотку перегрыз!

- Але, здравствуйте. Могу я сделать вам признание?
- Вы куда звоните? Кто вам нужен?
- Да мне без разницы. Лишь бы выслушали.
- Я вам что, телефон доверия?
- Ну, в некотором роде. So that's it. Я человека избил.
- Как это?
- Сидели с приятелем, пиво пили, мирно беседовали. Вдруг в голове у меня как переклинило что-то. Взял бутылку и - хлоп! - приятеля по голове!
- Ужас! Он хоть живой, приятель-то?
- Оклемался вроде...
- Такие признания в милиции делаются. Туда и обращайтесь.
- Обращался. Не верят. Думают, что шучу я. Вы-то мне хоть верите?
- На все сто. Всё?
- Ой, подождите, не вешайте трубку... Так, знаете ли, приятно пообщаться с родственной душой. Кто понимает и, главное, верит тебе. Может, пересечёмся где-нибудь на нейтральной территории? Поболтаем, пивка попьём! Я угощаю!