This page has been robot translated, sorry for typos if any. Original content here.

My Blog: jokes jokes stories funny

Well, very cheap psychotherapy
As you know, visiting a psychotherapist costs a lot of money. To help those who wish to relieve stress and quench their thirst for destruction took American ... automobile corporations. At the enterprises for the disposal of end-of-life cars, they introduced a new type of service for citizens. For $ 2 an hour, ladies and gentlemen can destroy old car bodies with a pneumatic forging press. This service immediately became very popular.
Those wishing to destroy the "Fords" and "Chryslera" more than enough. “A visit to us is much cheaper for people than a visit to a psychotherapist or a psychoanalyst,” said a spokesman for General Motors. “The company also has a steady income in the form of payments from those who want to“ fight off. ”In addition, we received savings in the wage fund, reducing positions of forge press operators. "

Women with big and small breasts

Women with big breasts

- can always catch a taxi
- they always give the best seats in the bus
- make simple jogging a very spectacular sport
- left dry magazine, which read lying in the bath
- possess additional argument of influence (on men who are shorter than their height)
- can usually easily find dropped popcorn after watching a movie
- can always carry some more money
- always swim better
- know where to look first of all in search of a fallen earring
- rarely remain without a slow dance partner
- never buy cars with airbags
- and another beer they always have where to put

Women with small breasts

- do not cause accidents on the road every time you lean
- always look younger
- drops and crumbs of food are always on a napkin spread out on your lap
- can always see their shoes
- can easily sleep on the stomach
- no problem to get behind the wheel of a small car
- they know that people can easily read the entire inscription on their T-shirt
- they know that everything that does not fit in the hand is unnecessary surplus
- may be late to the theater and sit down without distracting the whole row
- can go on aerobics without risking sending yourself a knockout
- never hear the word "silicone" in your address


If you are gentle with them - you are ridiculous. If not - insensitive.
If you do not use cosmetics - you do not pay attention. If you use - to flirt with others.
If you don't work, you're just a housewife. If you work and earn more than they do - they will become ferocious.
If they pay it is use. If you pay, they feel humiliated.
If they get promoted - this is a consequence of their abilities and achievements.
If you get a promotion you are because you are in trouble with the chef.
If they look at other women, that is their nature. If you look at other men - you are wrong.
If you are meeting with some grief, then you are dyra. If with a millionaire - you are calculating.
If they are still 30 unmarried - they are highly valued free guys. If you are not yet married at 30, the train has already left.
If you are in a bad mood, you are a neurotic. If they have - poor, you do not understand them!
If you are ugly - nobody needs you. If you are pretty and smart - they are afraid of you.
If they "go to the left" and you stay with them - you are a complete idiot. If you leave - you are "not tolerant."
If they are seen with a young - "Bravo, bravo, bravo!" If you are seen with younger people, it is because you urgently need IT.
If they are unbearable - just understand them: they had a bad day. If you are unbearable - you have just your days.
If you do not wait for them, do not indulge, do not cook them food, do not keep their clothes and house in order - you are a slacker. If you do everything for them - they leave you for another!

Darwin Awards for the year 2005

Darwin prizes are given to those people who in the most ridiculous way have deprived themselves of the opportunity to contribute to the human gene pool, i.e. died, leaving no offspring, or simply lost the physical ability to leave it.
The results were summed up and awarded the Darwin Prize for the year 2005.
1. One fine evening, 55-year-old Marco decided to make a tool for cleaning the chimney in his barn. The pipe was too high to clean it with a regular broom, but if you hooked the chain to the broom and tied the load to the chain, then the broom would have gone completely. But what to use as a weight? Marco found the perfect object. This object was both heavy and compact, and most importantly metal, which can be welded to the chain. Marco did not attach importance to the fact that this object was still a battle grenade.
Marco switched on his welding machine and began welding a grenade with a chain. In the middle of welding, a grenade exploded, as expected. The force of the explosion killed Marco instantly, splinters pierced through the walls of the shed and pierced the frontal stalk of a Mercedes standing outside. The pipe, however, was not damaged.
2. Strength and endurance are one of the most important characteristics for procreation, and therefore physical martial arts are frequent between males. In this case, two drunken comrades found themselves on a pedestrian bridge passing over the motorway. There was no better place to call. We decided to recognize the winner as the one who will be able to catch up with the railing of the bridge more times (from the OUTDOOR side). Unfortunately, the winner did not have enough strength after the victory in order to climb back, even with the help of his friend. The champion hit the asphalt at a speed of 90 km / h, where, in addition, he was immediately hit by a passing truck.
3. The 21-year-old Vietnamese Nguyen drank with friends in Hanoi, and decided to show off the explosives he had found from the time of the Vietnam War. The explosion of the chatka was 6 centimeters in length and 8 in diameter, with two protruding wires. Because she was old and rusty, Nguyen argued that she would not explode. Friends disagreed. To prove his point, Nguyen put the explosives in his mouth and asked his friends to shove the wires into a 220-volt outlet. Nguyen didn’t have enough time to think that even if he was right, a 220-volt blow to the oral cavity could be fatal in itself. The explosives, however, worked fine. According to police, an explosion tore his jaw and ripped his cheeks. He died on the way to the hospital.
4. Grenadier units of the Swiss Army just finished the first week of training for recruits, who only yesterday got a real firearm in their hands. Since the break came, the commander, a 24-year-old lieutenant, ordered the soldiers to put their guns on safety. But after a few minutes, the lieutenant decided that now is the time to simulate an armed attack on a fighter. Using his bayonet, he lashed out at one soldier, taking him completely by surprise. The lieutenant, however, did not take into account that a little earlier these soldiers were trained to remove the weapon from the fuse and shoot in the shortest possible time. The surprised soldier, seeing that someone had attacked him with a bayonet, automatically pulled out a pistol and fired a shot. The lesson could not have been a more successful soldier saved himself and defended the units from a sudden attack. The lieutenant might have praised the fighter for his lightning-fast reaction and sniper shot. Unfortunately, he was killed on the spot.
5. Elephants are large animals. Elephants eat a centner a day just to maintain their weight. Indian elephants are 3 meters tall. They are so strong that in southwest Asia, males are used to carry heavy logs with the help of their meter-long tusk work, which requires a heavy tractor in more developed countries. It is no secret that the teasing of an animal infuriates him. Teasing an animal that is able to uproot a tree is not the best of ideas. But this was precisely the idea of ​​Pravat when he saw five elephants tied with chains to a single Buddhist temple. While the owner of the elephants was inside, Pravad, a 50-year-old rubber extractor, presented sugar cane to one of the elephants ... Then he drew back. Then he gave again ... Then he pulled back again. And so several times. Pravat was having fun from the heart, but the elephant was soon tired of it. The last time, an elephant struck Pravat in the chest with a single blow of the tusk. Pravat died on the way to the hospital. The elephant got its cane.
6. Fireworks have a long tradition of meeting the Chinese New Year among Malaysian Chinese, and are still used, despite the ban on their sale and use. Van, a 29-year-old excavator, watched the whole evening as people fired fireworks near a nightclub near Kuala Lumpur. These were not some kind of firecrackers. These were real cannon shells reaching the height of the tenth floor before the explosion. Curious, Van walked over to one of the guns, wondering how they worked. He was just peering into the barrel when the gun fired ... Van’s head, leaving the mortal body, flew 10 meters high.
And - the first place:
The fanaticism of British football and rugby fans is well known to all. If Wales wins, I'll cut my balls! Jeff told his companions at the club, watching the rugby championship between England and its arch opponent Wales. His friends thought that the 26-year-old Jeff was joking, but after the victory of Wales with a score of 11-9, he went home, castrated himself, and in this form went back to the club, where he shocked his friends. Jeff was taken to hospital, where he remained in serious condition. According to the doctors, Jeff used a pair of blunt wire cutters to accomplish his goal, sober and without any anesthesia, and the process of castration took no less than 10 minutes.
.... This was the first victory of Wales over England in the last 12 years.
- On average, 100 people die every year, choking with a ballpoint pen.
- 90 percent of New York taxi drivers are immigrants.
- The elephant is the only animal that can't jump.
- One person out of two million has a chance to live to 116 years.
- Women, on average, blink twice as often as men.
- To lick one's own elbow is impossible anatomically.
“The building of the main library of the University of Indiana annually draws a one inch because the engineers did not take into account the weight of the books it contains.
- Snails can sleep up to three years.
- Crocodiles do not know how to stick out the tongue.
- The lighter was invented before matches.
- Every day, US residents eat 18 hectares of pizza.
“The repellents do not deter mosquitoes — they hide you.” The substances contained in repellents block the receptors with which mosquitoes find their prey.
- Dentists recommend keeping a toothbrush at a distance of at least two meters from the toilet.
- No sheet of paper can be folded in half more than seven times.
- Every year on earth donkeys kill more people than they die in air crashes.
- In a dream, you burn more calories than while watching TV.
- The first product with a barcode was Wrigley`s chewing gum.
- The wingspan of the Boeing 747 is more than the distance of the first flight of the Wright brothers.
- American Airlines saved $ 40,000 by removing only one olive from salads served to first-class passengers.
- Venus is the only planet in the solar system, rotating against the black arrow.
- The game of table football (kicker) was created to entertain injured children in the hospital who could not play ordinary football
- Nikolay Marr, the creator of the “new teaching about the language,” argued that all the words of all languages ​​come from the “four elements” sal, ber, yon and rosh.
- To prove that the principle of open source is applicable not only to software, Copenhagen students created a new sort of beer, Vores l, whose recipe is published under a free license
- Certain game consoles may allow keyboard and hard disk connections and the launch of the Linux operating system on them
- One of the largest ports of the Baltic, the Polish city of Gdynia, was built in the 20s of the 20th century on the site of a fishing village. Between 1923 and 1926, the population of the new city grew from 1,000 to 100,000 inhabitants
- The famous quote book by Mao Zedong (the "red book") was published in China with a total circulation of over a billion copies, and also translated into all major European and Asian languages ​​...
- Almost everyone who read this text tried to lick their elbows.

12 of the craziest sex laws.
1. England
No casual connections
Are you planning to flirt a little together and then hook up the nearest beauty? In England, this is not recommended.
Here, someone who offers an unfamiliar woman to have sex is threatened with a fine of up to 180 euros or three months in prison.

2. Russia
Kissing is prohibited
While in Russia, lovers should be extremely restrained to show their feelings for each other, because kissing on the street is forbidden here. Lawmakers believe that an open demonstration of intimacy can lead to sexual promiscuity. Strict police can fine you, though the amount of the fine is not specified.

3. United States
Difficult to protect
In many US states, condoms are being persecuted.
Lawmakers, not paying attention to the danger of AIDS and venereal diseases, in every possible way make it difficult for people to acquire these contraceptives. Condoms are either generally forbidden to use (as in Connecticut), or to sell openly (as in Wisconsin), or they are forbidden to advertise (as in California). But the strangest law exists in Louisiana: here only women are forbidden to buy condoms. For violation threatens a substantial fine.
4. Ireland
The import of condoms is prohibited.
If you are traveling to Ireland, be sure to take with you a supply of these wonderful contraceptives - because there are few chances to buy them. In this strict Catholic country, condoms cannot be used, and therefore cannot be sold. After all, sex, according to the Irish authorities, exists only for procreation.
5. Hawaii
Forced labor camp
Have you met a woman of your dreams on an exotic island and want to make love with her? Do not do this if the girl's parents are dear to you. After all, if your darling is not yet 18 years old, then her parents will be punished with three years of forced labor. For the fact that they raised their daughter "frivolous".
6. Hungary
Sex in the dark
In the capital of Hungary, Budapest, partners are allowed to love each other only in the dark. Even if you "do this" by the light in your own apartment - it is still punishable by a fine.
Intimacy is forbidden even by candlelight or a fireplace.
The question remains: who controls all this?

Saw personally.
I am traveling on Saturday, September 28, 2002, on the M7 highway to the east, and between the cities of Gorokhovets and Nizhny Novgorod, I saw a police six white with a blue stripe. This car was remarkable for three reasons. First, she stood in a crowded place near a roadside cafe in the village of Talashmanovo. Secondly, a policeman was sitting inside in a cap (without a partner) and proudly watched the movement. Thirdly, the word HUI was written in huge black letters on the entire board of the car in huge black letters. So, do not sleep in the service. PS Or maybe, the traffic police finally renamed the correct name?