My Blog: jokes funny jokes
Well, very cheap psychotherapy
As you know, visiting a doctor-psychotherapist costs a lot of money. American wishing to relieve stress and quench their thirst for destruction ... automobile corporations. At enterprises for the disposal of old vehicles, they introduced a new type of service to citizens. For $ 2 per hour, ladies and gentlemen can destroy the bodies of old cars with a pneumatic forging press. This service immediately began to enjoy great popularity.
Wishing to destroy "Ford" and "Chrysler" more than enough. "A visit to us is much cheaper for people than a visit to a psychotherapist or psychoanalyst," said a spokesman for General Motors. "The firm also has a stable profit in the form of payments from those wishing to" podrazmytsya. "In addition, we received a saving payroll, posts of blacksmith press operators ".
Women with big and small breasts
Women with big breasts
- can always catch a taxi
- they are always inferior to the best seats on the bus
- make simple jogging a very spectacular sport
- leave a dry log that is read lying in the tub
- have an additional argument of influence (on men who are below their height)
- Usually can easily find a dropped popcorn after watching a movie
- can always carry with them some more money
- it is always better to swim
- know where to look first in search of the fallen earrings
- rarely remain without a partner for a slow dance
- Never buy cars with airbags
- and one more beer they always have where to put
Women with small breasts
- do not cause accidents on the road every time they tilt
- always look younger
- Drops and crumbs of food always appear on a napkin spread out on your knees
- can always see their shoes
- can easily sleep on the stomach
- no problem getting behind the wheel of a small car
- know that people can easily read the entire inscription on their T-shirt
- know that everything that does not fit in your hand - unnecessary surplus
- may be late for the theater and sit down without distracting the whole series
- can go to aerobics without risking to send themselves to the knockout
- never hear the words "silicone"
HOW TO UNDERSTAND MEN?
If you are gentle with them, you are ridiculous. If not, it is insensitive.
If you do not use makeup, they do not pay attention to you. If you use - to flirt with another.
If you do not work, you're just a housewife. If you work and earn more than they do - they are fierce.
If they pay it is use. If you pay, they feel humiliated.
If they get promoted - this is a consequence of their abilities and achievements.
If you get a raise you are because you broke up with the boss.
If they look at other women - it's their nature. If you look at other men, you are wrong.
If you are meeting with some miserable thing, you are dyura. If with a millionaire - you are prudent.
If they are 30 still unmarried - they are highly valued free guys. If you are 30 at yet not married - "the train has already left."
If you are in a bad mood, you are neurotic. If they are poor, you do not understand them!
If you are ugly, you do not need anyone. If you are pretty and intelligent - they are afraid of you.
If they "go to the left" and you stay with them - you're a complete idiot. If you leave, you are not "tolerant".
If they are seen with a young woman - "Bravo, bravo, bravo!" If you are seen with a younger one, this is because you urgently needed this.
If they are unbearable - just understand them: they had a bad day. If you are unbearable - you have just your days.
If you do not wait for them, do not spoil them, cook them food, do not keep their clothes and house in order - you are a lazy person. If you do everything for them, they leave you for another!
The Darwin Awards for the year 2005
The Darwin awards are given to those people who, in the most ridiculous way, deprived themselves of the opportunity to make a contribution to the gene pool of humanity, i.e. They died without leaving posterity or simply lost the physical ability to leave it.
Summarized and awarded the Darwin Prize for the year 2005.
1. One fine evening, 55-year-old Marco decided to make a tool for cleaning the chimney in his barn. The pipe was too high to clean it with an ordinary broom, but if you attach a chain to the broom and tie a load to the chain, the broom would have completely come down. But what to use as a weight? Marco found the perfect object. This object was both heavy and compact, and most importantly metal, which can be welded to a chain. Marco did not attach importance to the fact that this object was still a battle grenade.
Marco turned on his welding machine and began welding a grenade with a chain. In the middle of welding the grenade, as expected, exploded. The power of the explosion killed Marco instantly, splinters pierced the walls of the shed right through and broke through the frontal stylus of the Mercedes outside. The pipe, however, was not damaged.
2. Strength and endurance are some of the most important characteristics for the continuation of the genus, and therefore physical combat is often between male representatives. In this case, two drunken comrades appeared on a pedestrian bridge passing over the motorway. The best place to call was not found. The winner was decided to recognize the one who will be able to pull more often from the railings of the bridge (from the outside). Unfortunately, the winner did not have enough strength after the victory in order to climb back, even with the help of his friend. The champion hit the asphalt at a speed of 90km, where he was also immediately shot down by a passing truck.
3. The 21-year-old Vietnamese Nguyen drank with friends in Hanoi, and decided to boast of the explosives he had discovered dating back to the Vietnam War. The explosion of the chat was 6 centimeters in length and 8 in diameter, with two protruding wires. Because it was old and rusty, Nguyen argued that it would not explode. Friends did not agree. To prove his case, Nguyen stuffed the explosives in his mouth and asked his friends to put the wires in a 220-volt outlet. Nguyen did not have enough time to think that even if he was right, a 220-volt blow to the mouth might itself be fatal. The explosive, however, worked well. According to police, the explosion tore his jaw and ripped his cheeks. He died on his way to the hospital.
4. The Grenadier Division of the Army of Switzerland just finished the first week of training recruits, who only yesterday received a real firearm in their hands. As the break came, the commander, a 24-year-old lieutenant, ordered the soldiers to put their pistols on the fuse. But after a few minutes, the lieutenant decided that now the most time to simulate an armed attack on a fighter. Using his bayonet, he pounced on one soldier, catching him completely by surprise. The lieutenant, however, did not take into account the fact that a little earlier these soldiers were trained to take their weapons off the safety catch and shoot in the shortest possible time. Surprised soldier, seeing that someone had attacked him with a bayonet, automatically snatched the gun and shot. The lesson could not have been a more successful soldier saved himself and defended units from a sudden attack. The lieutenant might have praised the fighter for his lightning reaction and sniper shot. Unfortunately, he was killed on the spot.
5. Elephants are large animals. Elephants eat a centner a day to only maintain their weight. Indian elephants rise 3 meters on the shoulder. They are so strong that in southwest Asia males are used to carry heavy logs with their meter tusks work for which in more developed countries a heavy tractor is required. It's no secret that teasing an animal leads one into a rage. To tease an animal that is able to tear out a tree with a root is not the best of ideas. But that was exactly the idea of Pravata when he saw five elephants tied to one Buddhist temple by chains. While the owner of the elephants was inside, Pravd, a 50-year-old rubber producer, presented one of the elephants with cane sugar ... Then he pulled it away. Then he gave it again ... Then he yanked it away again. And so several times. Pravit enjoyed himself heartily, but the elephant soon got sick of it. The last time, an elephant struck Straight through the chest with one blow of the tusk. Pravot died on the way to the hospital. The elephant received his reed.
6. Fireworks are a long tradition of meeting the Chinese New Year among Malaysian Chinese, and are still used, despite the ban on their sale and use. Van, a 29-year-old excavator, spent the whole evening looking at how people started fireworks near a nightclub near Kuala Lumpur. It was not some kind of firecrackers. These were real cannon shells, reaching to the height of the tenth floor before the explosion. Curious, Van went to one of the guns, wondering how they work. He was just peering into the trunk canal when the cannon fired ... Van's head, leaving the perishable body, flew 10 meters high.
And - the first place:
The fanaticism of British football and rugby-fans is known to everyone. If Wales wins, I'll cut my balls! said Jeff to his comrades in the club, watching the rugby championship between England and her arch enemy Wales. His friends thought that the 26-year-old Jeff was joking, but after winning Wales with a score of 11-9, he went home, castrated himself, and in this form went back to the club, where he shocked these friends. Jeff was taken to the hospital, where he remained in serious condition. According to the doctors, Jeff used a pair of blunt wire nippers to accomplish his goal, sober and without any anesthesia, and the castration process took at least 10 minutes.
.... This was Wales' first victory over England in the last 12 years.
- On average, 100 people die each year, suppressed by a ballpoint pen.
- 90 percent of New York taxi drivers are immigrants.
- The elephant is the only animal that can not jump.
- The chance to live to 116 years has one person out of two million.
- Women, on average, blink twice as often as men.
- Licking your own elbow is impossible anatomically.
- The building of the main library of the University of Indiana annually gives a one-inch drawdown, because during the construction engineers did not take into account the weight of the books contained in it.
- Snails can sleep up to three years.
"Crocodiles do not know how to put out a tongue."
- Lighter was invented before matches.
- Every day, people in the US eat 18 hectares of pizza.
- Repellents do not scare off mosquitoes - they hide you. Substances contained in repellents block the receptors by which mosquitoes find their prey.
- Dentists recommend keeping the toothbrush at least two meters away from the toilet bowl.
- No sheet of paper can be folded in half more than seven times.
- Every year more donors are killed on the ground of donkeys than they die in air crashes.
- In a dream you burn more calories than watching TV.
- The first barcode product was chewing gum Wrigley`s.
- The wingspan of the Boeing 747 is greater than the distance of the first flight of the Wright brothers.
- American Airlines saved $ 40,000, taking just one olive from salads served to first class passengers.
- Venus is the only planet in the solar system that rotates against the clockwise arrow.
- The game of table football (kicker) was created to entertain wounded children in hospital who could not play ordinary football
- Nikolai Marr, the creator of the "new doctrine of language," argued that all the words of all languages come from the "four elements" of sal, ber, yon and Rosh.
- To prove that the principle of open source is applicable not only to software, Copenhagen students created a new variety of Vores l beer, the recipe of which was published under a free license
- Some game consoles can allow the connection of the keyboard, hard disk and the launch of the Linux operating system on them
- One of the largest Baltic ports, the Polish city of Gdynia, was built in the 1920s on the site of a fishing village. Between 1923 and 1926, the population of the new city grew from 1,000 to 100,000 inhabitants
- The famous quotation of Mao Zedong ("red book") was published in China with a total circulation of over a billion copies, and also translated into all major European and Asian languages ...
- Almost everyone who read this text, tried to lick his elbow.
12 most insane laws about sex.
No random connections
Planning a little flirtation in a couple, and then zakadrit nearest beauty? In England, this is not recommended.
Here, someone who offers an unknown woman to have sex, faces a fine of up to 180 euros or three months in prison.
Kissing is forbidden
Being in Russia, lovers should be extremely restrained to show their feelings for each other, because kissing on the street is prohibited here. Legislators are sure that an open demonstration of intimacy can lead to sexual promiscuity. Strict police officers can fined you, although the amount of the fine is not stipulated.
It is difficult to protect
In many US states, condoms are being harassed.
Legislators, not paying attention to the danger of AIDS and sexually transmitted diseases, make it difficult for the population to purchase these contraceptives. Condoms are either generally forbidden to use (as in Connecticut), or openly sold (as in Wisconsin), or they are forbidden to advertise (as in California). But the strangest law exists in Louisiana: here only women are forbidden to buy condoms. For violation of a serious financial penalty.
Import of condoms is forbidden
If you are going to Ireland, then be sure to take with you a stock of these wonderful contraceptives - because to buy them here is not enough chances. In this strict Catholic country, condoms can not be used, and therefore it is impossible to sell. After all, sex, according to the Irish authorities, exists only for the continuation of the family.
Correctional labor camp
Have you met the woman of your dreams on an exotic island and want to make love to her? Do not do this if you are dear to the girl's parents. After all, if your girlfriend is not yet 18 years old, her parents will be punished in the form of three years of correctional labor. For the fact that they raised their daughter "frivolous."
Sex in the Dark
In Budapest, the capital of Hungary, partners are allowed to love each other only in the dark. Even if you "do this" in the light of your own apartment - this is still punishable by a fine.
Intimacy is forbidden even by candlelight or fireplace.
The question remains: who controls all this?
I saw it personally.
I'm on Saturday, September 28, 02 on the M7 highway to the east, and between the towns of Gorokhovets and Nizhny Novgorod I saw a white police officer with a blue stripe. This machine was remarkable for three reasons. Firstly, she stood in a crowded place near a roadside cafe in the village of Talashmanovo. Secondly, inside sat a policeman in a cap (without a partner) and proudly followed the movement. Thirdly, the word HUY was inscribed in the whole side of the car with huge black letters from the can. So, do not sleep in the service. PS And maybe the GAI-STSI finally renamed the correct name?