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My Blog: jokes funny jokes


Vodka is so harmful!
We are under repair: we are making a huge bus. We are assisted by locksmiths, chauffeurs. It's about dinner. We sent one of our crew for vodka. A frail driver named "Pasha Yogi", I must admit that he justified his nickname! An hour passes, the second. Everyone is nervous, no one touches the snack. Then comes our "Yogi" and with the words: "Guys, vodka is so harmful!" - puts our locksmiths five (!!!) kilograms of halva!
Now they will not reach
He served in the building battalion, was at one time a watchman on the object under construction. He was almost handed over to the customer and therefore many rooms were brought furniture and other equipment. The chief was Major Ch., In whose office alcohol was stored. A couple of times the soldiers from his own part opened the cabinet and drank alcohol. One day the major calls me to his office and, pointing to the heavy safe, proudly says: "Now they will not get to him." The next morning the safe is located at the foot of the stairs. Inside is a broken decanter. There is no alcohol (flowed into the glasses through the cracks).
Why such a bad transmission?
In Uzbekistan, a sports television channel began to operate. A special employee from the government is attached to his work, who controls what is on the air and, as it were, there was no sedition against the Uzbek authorities. At that moment, a football match was broadcast. The image went poor, often disappeared, there were interferences. - What it is? - Outraged the government inspector. "Why such a bad transmission?" They began to explain to him: "You see, the signal from the satellite is weak, and the picture is of poor quality ..." "So," said the controller, "call the satellite and tell him what he allows himself!" Let a good signal give!
Fun from children's books
A book with riddles for learning the alphabet. Answers to them begin with certain letters - well, type, the "hanging pear - you can not eat" is the letter "L" and a lamp is drawn. Below is given the correct answer, printed upside down. We reached the letter "Yu". A healthy striped cat, sitting to the spectator sideways, is drawn. The riddle says: "What kind of beast with the letter" Yu "cleans its face?" If it were not for the printed answer, I would probably have suffered for the rest of my days. The answer was: "Cat Yulka."
Ding Ding
This story happened about 20 years ago. Then on the Soviet screens came the Italian comedy "Signor Robinson." Very, I must say, a comic comic. In it, if anyone saw, Friday at Robinson had a sort of Black Emanuelle. Poor Robinson, after a long abstinence, kept asking her what they were doing after they returned from work and went to sleep until they found out that they had it called "Ding-ding." We watched this movie with my classmates in the city, and in the summer we went to rest in the village. When this film was brought to the village for rent, we made a joke: Among the old grandmother's records we found one that was attributed to the projectionist Petya Gerasimov and put on his turntable. Then there was a fashion in the village: before and after the session, turn the music. On the column hung a shaggy speaker and belched as best he could music, calling the audience to the "Magic Lantern". While the audience was gathering, our music did not arouse any suspicion. When the movie was over, and the audience left the club, the speaker rushed out of the speaker: Kolo-kol-bell, Bluebell, Kolya, Kolya-Nikolash, Where will we meet with you? Ah, Kolya-Nicholas, Where will we meet with you? And the refrain: Ding-ding! Ding Ding! ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding! This record remained for a long time in the club, it was put up when Indian films were brought, and the most rated film was "Signor Robinson" for a long time ...
A successful cast
It was glorious 1993. I was at that time a cadet of the 1st year of the St. Petersburg Infantry School. We're at the field exit. In the street the beginning of spring (a beautiful time, birds there, mud knee-deep, etc.). Classes on throwing grenades RGD-5. (RGD-5 is a hand-operated fragmentation grenade designed to engage the enemy's manpower in offensive and defense.) The radius of dispersal of slaughter fragments is about 25 m, the average throw range is 40-50 m.) Throwing a battle (!!!) grenade for the first time - very nervous for the thrower process. All the action takes place in the order of the live order according to the list. My turn should come in the middle of the session, and according to the responses dismissed the case is not complicated, but rather simple. We throw into a target the size of human growth at a distance of 30-40 meters. The closer to the target, the higher the score. Everything is very simple. And in the very target so no one got - who is a meter to the left, who is to the right - in short, the probability theory works in full. Teacher in order to see where the grenade flew to the trench is not hiding. Since, according to the same theory, the probabilities from such a distance do not fall into it. In short everything is according to plan. Well, here comes my turn ... The received ammunition, the bag is pleasantly burdensome. The teacher's commands are distributed and I already (as in the song) with a grenade in my hand on the firing line. The growth target is almost half covered with mud, that is, it is a spectacle of a man climbing into a midge, by a soft place (n-yes comparison ...). - Grenade the fire !!! Ring in one hand grenade in the other. Throw and dive into the trench. The teacher does not bend over. A terrible explosion is heard and I understand by the tonality that something went wrong. Next after the explosion there were slaps of something sticky to me on the helmet. The first thought: "Do not bother, damn!" And along the way, a lieutenant colonel settles on my helmet in the form of bloody scrapes. " Raising a little head, I saw the feet of the teacher and realized that he was alive. Further there was a continuous cry, accompanied by such a mat. When I saw him in full growth, I understood the reason for this crazy burst of emotions !!! He was all in the mud, as if the old lieutenant-colonel had been chasing a couple of hours in a plastic way. Turning my eyes to the target, I realized that I was. And I got it !!! A pile of dirt that fell asleep the target was completely absent, as in other things and most of the target. Launched by my mark with a hand - the grenade hit exactly in the "legs" of the target, fell into a liquid mass of dirt. And somewhere in the depths of it jerked! The translation of the words of the teacher sounded like: "You will work as a washing machine for me, my wife and my children and their children and so on until the seventh tribe for a very long time." But the most insulting for this throw I was put two and I taught for a long time and, most offensive, long handed over all the material about this grenade. Now many years have passed since that moment, but lift me up at night and ask for its characteristics, I will answer everything.
Pearl Harbor
Yesterday, a conversation with the girl about the movie "Pearl Harbor" came. I asked - I looked? He says that he does not remember, he asks to talk about what. I begin to rub about the Japanese attack on the US naval base, about how they were defeated there, etc., etc. She looks at me and at the end says: "Is this where two guys loved one girl ?!" So it was necessary to begin with this!
The machine can not be washed!
In the yard, a man bought a new typewriter. A good machine. Neat and cute. And in the autumn I agreed with our half-clever janitor that he would wash this machine in the morning. All the way - the janitor is satisfied with the money, the man is satisfied with the clean machine. The washing of the machine basically consisted of the morning rinsing it with water from a bucket. Idyll continued to cold. The janitor, a man far from engineering at all, (except his trough on wheels), well, and in general a strange man - at five in the morning he rolls the car out of the bucket with boiling water. And even has time to rub a little machine with a cloth before she was frozen to the windshield. The janitor scratches the place where he once had a mind, and takes another bucket of boiling water, - the machine rolls up again - the ice seems to come off, the rag freezes. It is done. Turning to the typewriter's backside, and not looking at it in any case, with a clear conscience, he scrapes the snow with the scraper for ten minutes from the road, and exhausts him in an unknown direction. At seven in the morning the owner throws himself out into the yard, sees an ice sculpture, begins to scream for the janitor offensive words, and tries to clear the ice. At half past seven, the owner somehow breaks off the ice from the machine, and departs to work. A janitor appears - notes that there is no machine. Hence the problem with the ice - is a contrived matter, and all the way, otherwise the owner would have already poimel. In the evening, the owner of the car, trying to find a janitor - to no avail. In the DEC, they said - the location is currently unknown. Will be tomorrow. The owner leaves a note on the windshield "DO NOT SMOOTH THE MACHINE!", And goes to sleep. The next morning ... The janitor, as an honest man (money received in advance), - at five in the morning the machine rolls out with boiling water. At seven in the morning, surprised at the insistence of the janitor, the owner of the car is sitting on a bench and looking at the note wrapped up in the ice together with the forehead, he whistles tensely. The janitor, of course, does not exist anywhere. The owner breaks the ice, goes to work. In the evening trying to find a janitor - to no avail. Another morning ... From half past four, the owner of the car sat in ambush, looking out the window at the typewriter. At five in the morning, struggling with sleep, he suddenly shudders and sees in the courtyard a pale shadow with a bucket. Realizing that he will not have time to go down from the fifth to the first, the owner opens the window and at the moment when the janitor raises the bucket - screams in a brutal voice terrible: - STAY, BITCH! The janitor faltered, and poured a bucket onto the hood. The yard woke with the sound of blows ...
Old forecasts
- In the future, computers will weigh no more than 1.5 tons. (Rorular Meshnis, 1949) - I think that in the world market we will find the demand for five computers. (Thomas Watson, director of IBM, 1943) - I traveled this country far and wide, communicated with the cleverest people and I can assure you that the processing of data is just a fad, the fashion for which will last no more than a year. (editor of the publishing house Prénice Holl, 1957) - But, what: can be useful in this thing? (the issue of discussing the creation of a microchip in the ADVANCED SUSTAINES DIVISION ON IBM, 1968) - No one can have a need to have a computer in their home. (Ken Olson is the founder and president of the Digitale Corporation Enterprise Corporation, 1977) - Such a device as the phone has too many flaws to treat it as a means of communication. Therefore, I believe that this invention has no value. (from discussions at Western Union in 1876) - This music box without wires can not have any commercial value. Who will pay for messages that are not intended for a private person? (partners of the association David Sаrnоff in response to his offer to invest a radio project, 1920) - The concept is interesting and well-formed. But, in order for the idea to work, it must contain common sense. (Prof. Walter Universit in response to Fred Smith's proposal for a home delivery service; Fried Smith will become the founder of the delivery service of the Export Express Company). - Yes, who the hell are the conversations of the actors interested in? (the reaction of N. M. Warner-Warner Bröthers to the use of sound in the cinema, 1927). We do not like their sound and, in general, the guitar is yesterday. (Dessa Recording Co., who rejected the album record of the group The Beatles, in 1962) - Flying machines weighing heavier than air are impossible! (Lord Kelvin - President of the Royal Society - Rowal Sawiet - 1895) - Professor Goadard does not understand the relationship between action and reaction, he does not know that the reaction requires conditions more suitable than vacuum. It seems that the professor is experiencing an acute shortage of elementary knowledge, which is taught in high school. (an editorial in the newspaper The New York Times dedicated to the revolutionary work of Robert Goddard on the issue of the creation of a rocket, 1921) - Drilling the earth in search of oil? Do you mean that you have to drill the earth in order to find oil? You lost your mind. (the answer to the project of Edwin L. Drake in 1859) - Aircraft are interesting toys, but they do not represent any military value. (Mareshal Feldinand Fosh, Professor, Ecole Superrier de Guerre.) - Everything that could have been invented has already been invented. (Charles H. Duell - Commissioner of the US Patent Office, 1899) - Louis Pasteur's theory of microbes is a ridiculous fantasy. (Pierre Rashett - professor of psychology at the University of Toulouse, 1872) - The abdomen, chest and brain will always be closed to the invasion of a wise and humane surgeon. (Sir John Eriks Eriksen - British physician, appointed chief surgeon of Queen Victoria, 1873) - 640 KB should be enough for everyone. (Bill Gates, 1981) - $ 100 million - too high a price for Mirosoft. (IBM, 1982)
SELECTION OF THE VEHICLE.
VAZ 2111 I bought the car on 31.12.2004, because there was a discount of $ 100. I took the luxury equipment, immediately put the power windows, power steering, signal, music, sliced ​​the body, bought new rubber mats, changed the brushes for the janitors, well, there, the disks, the rubber is understandable, and went! Needless to say, a luxury car! Maybe I was lucky, but for 7253 km I changed only the support bearing, a couple of racks, the clutch slave cylinder, the carburetor, the oil pump, the candles and the cylinder head. Well, the brakes do not count. And all! I believe the VAZ 2111 taxis! Yes, and only one cap was. Volkswagen New Beetle Basically, my friend and I went to buy something completely different. We were going to buy my bra, but I saw this << Beetle >>, and my heart collapsed. Bought immediately. Color cool, bright yellow, in tone to the sandals. The traffic is excellent! Already two times I went to nature, so the car easily fits into the body of the Ural and rides where the others get stuck. The cool steering wheel is not thick and not thin, but just the way I like it, it's very easy to rotate, it's very easy to rotate in different directions. Still a lot of buttons, and everything is included. I would have had two. In general, girls, I recommend it to everyone. And that bra is not bought so on such a machine you can ride without a bra! VAZ 11113 I went to Oka for five years, then gave it to my son. Only it is still small, but I made it radio-controlled, with a remote control, I traveled with "Crohn" batteries. The boy is happy! GAZ M20 In 1954 he bought a "Victory". After the purchase, the neighbor struck, I had to change, there were no more problems with the car. Нummer Н2 Neighbors on the communal offered to buy from them inexpensively << Hammer >> << Landcrusher >> Went to the store to buy a car << Toyota Corolla >>. The manager convinced that you only need to buy << Landcrusher >>. I sold the apartment, I bought it. I lived in it for two months and I will share my first impressions. The car is good, spacious (after the apartment, of course, cramped, but you get used quickly). A little is not convenient steering wheel, all the time for it I cling, when I go out to take out the garbage, but, like, on any corporate car center it can be removed. I sometimes touch the luster of the feet. The main advantage: I save a lot on the rent. VAZ 2106 In Russia it is necessary to go on domestic machines! I've got a << six >>, and I can at least repair it anywhere and anytime. I repair it in the morning, and in the afternoon, and in the evening, and at night. And himself, and in the service, and on the road, and in the garage. I recommend everyone a proven "shohu". Mercedes-Benz S500 With your words, I realized that after the chip tuning on your "Mary", there was an original engine ECU, and options such as the CO4NO flow were not read in the version of the firmware with which the Mersovsky engines are equipped. And the resource of such an engine is practically unlimited without additional boosts. PS: I myself have been traveling for 25 years on a "kopeck" and I do not blow in a whisker! VAZ 2120 A little more than a month has passed since the day of purchase. Mileage 6125 km. In general, the car is quite good, comfortable, a large trunk. Cons: hijacked. Appealed to the Oktyabrsky State Automobile Inspection, they said they would look for him. I applied to the Leninskiy GAI, they said that they would not look for me, because they were already looking for a good car in Oktyabrsky. Moskvich-412 The old << Moskvich >> is good because it's not a pity! Leaving it under the windows all year round, no one even thought of hijacking. So the guys with the girls will indulge in the salon, give a little shit, they'll skip the condoms, and to steal no! VAZ 2110 We took with the boys "ten". There was still a choice of a new < > But it hurt the car to be dashing, they were afraid that they would burn it. We traveled by car all day, share my impressions. The car is reliable, although everyone, like, scolds. But she did not fail, even when they left the cops through the lawns. I guess he was a good boss. And, one. And about < > I can not say anything there two owners were in the cabin. ИЖ-2126 On << Izh >> I do all at a traffic light! And it's on the gun! VAZ 2107 I go to the "Seven" and grief I do not know. At first, the truth, a little bit. There were problems with the gearbox (the car came from the factory without a box, and then the box was delivered, but forgot to screw it up). But then I finished everything myself and even learned how to switch the speed (you have to add a little rotational and a little shake the lever to the translational movements). I recommend it to all! Audi A6 Caught recently << Audi A6 >> from Germany. At first there was a small problem: in the trunk was discovered the former owner of the car, a German. I had to spend money on a railway ticket to Dusseldorf. And so the car is wonderful! RorsNe Cayenne Turbo I bought a "Porsche Cayenne Turbo", drove 800 m on it, after which it was necessary to replace both front fenders, a bumper, all lighting equipment, a hood, a windshield, a radiator, an engine, a front suspension. Well, in the building of the car center - so, in detail. And this praised German quality ?! CНevrolet Niva I have waited for my << Shevi-Niva >> on prepayment for six months. But when I got the car, I realized that these months were the happiest in my life! How do I get my money back?
CONSTRUCTIONS
The whole life of a man consists of substituting the most different kind and level - starting from cocoa with foam in the kindergarten and ending with a month's record in the local crematorium. Faced with the next set up, different people behave differently: someone gathers the ass in a strong-willed fist and creatively overcomes the obstacle, someone, on the contrary, gives way to despondency and pours sorrow over alcohol, and someone - first pours up the mountain with alcohol, then gathers drunk ass in a fist and overcomes the same obstacle in the most unexpected way. It is impossible to equip one's life without standing up, for there is a secret meaning of the whole human existence in them, but to try to isolate and study the main types of basements in order to meet them with proudly raised head - it is quite possible and even necessary. We decided to first raise this Sisyphus stone - let's, join: we hit science by the bases! So, after discussing and poohing before each other, we identified the following types of the most common substitutions: Household substation: water shutdown, especially without a warning from the housing office. Particularly difficult kind of household substitution is the disconnection of water at the moment of taking water procedures with especially aggravating circumstances, such as: cosmetic shaving, dyeing hair, or a corny soapy head. Particularly idiotic kind of household substitution is the disconnection of cold water into forty-degree heat, when boiled tenants do not have the strength to deal with plumbers and only languidly shine with raspberry faces because of the curtains drawn. Unpleasant, in general. Tragic trait: the lack of toilet paper, found after the end of the household pokak. A particularly difficult kind of tragic substitution is going to the toilet during the first romantic meeting in the apartment with the hawk: the aunt who was trapped in the trap must decide that it is less traumatic to ask the bottled champagne prince to take the coveted roll or to look for improvised means, risking attracting attention by extraneous sounds and extraordinarily long stay clear where. Electronic Pod: randomly hammered address of the boss in the mail to friends letters about singing vaginas. Particularly difficult appearance of e - vagina, an unknown way sent to the main client of the office with the note "Confidential" and your comment "I also know how!". A phone call, a kind of e-mail: sent to the wrong address. Particularly difficult kind of phone pods - SMS, containing sexual appeals, sent accidentally to unauthorized persons of your sex, for example, a hundred messages like "I want you, my love, I'll rape you at a meeting!" randomly sent to your scientific supervisor. Financial setup: no wallet, found at the checkout. A particularly difficult kind of financial setup is the absence of a purse discovered at the cash register of a hypermarket after the mountain of shnyaga has already been punched and packed in packages, some juice is open and drunk, and an aggressive one about dozens of compatriots brutalizing from shopping is writhing behind. Tourist's stand: diarrhea, which began on the first day of a week's holiday, and ended on the eve of the return. Particularly difficult kind of tourist base: diarrhea that covered the bride on a wedding trip to Seychelles: crackers and festivities around the perimeter of the room on trembling legs instead of stormy sex on a night beach. The average substitution is an emotional dialogue with a person who has already fallen behind and lost in the crowd for about ten minutes. Particularly heavy form of the average substitution - obscene inclusions or extradition to outsiders of insider information such as "pancake, Tanka, thong ass niterli!". Office stand-up: loudly spoken opinions and judgments heard by those to whom they were not intended. Particularly difficult kind of office setting is aggressive - "Girls, I asked you not to connect me with this dapper woman from the tax!", Spoken to the secretaries in the phone and realizing after a pause of the fact that the blunt woman from the tax is already on the wire and attentively listens to you. Romantic substitution: excerpts from internal monologues spoken aloud. Particularly difficult kind of romantic setting is a loud "well, what if it's small, but it's a good man!" issued in the air in office silence at the height of the working day. Podstava teenage - a pack of cigarettes and condoms in the pocket of a school apron. A particularly difficult kind of substitution is the used pregnancy test found by the mother in Pushkin's collected works at the time of the planned cleaning of the apartment. The car's stand-up is any setup that happened to the aunt at the time of driving: gasoline ended, a window wasted for glasses, a broken wheel, etc. The heaviest kind of automotive outfit is all of the above plus a nervous husband in the front seat. The genetic substitution is all vile, the aunt got from her ancestors: starting from an unsettled aunt's ass and ending with a lack of musical ear for an acute desire to sing Aida on the stages of big and small academic theaters. Internet Podstava: a romantic encounter with a man of dreams under the name "Suer facker", ended with a rush date from a medium-sized dwarf named Edward. Particularly difficult is the appearance of the Internet - an annual communication with a pleasant young man who later turned out to be Natasha from the marketing department. Here is not a complete list of falsifications with which any, even the most fortunate aunt probably encountered in life - we propose to continue our study, in order to be fully armed and fight with the substitutes by all means available to us, join. Hooray, comrades!
Fun from children's books
A book with riddles for learning the alphabet. Answers to them begin with certain letters - well, type, the "hanging pear - you can not eat" is the letter "L" and a lamp is drawn. Below is given the correct answer, printed upside down. We reached the letter "Yu". A healthy striped cat, sitting to the spectator sideways, is drawn. The riddle says: "What kind of beast with the letter" Yu "cleans its face?" If it were not for the printed answer, I would probably have suffered for the rest of my days. The answer was: "Cat Yulka."
Ding Ding
This story happened about 20 years ago. Then on the Soviet screens came the Italian comedy "Signor Robinson." Very, I must say, a comic comic. In it, if anyone saw, Friday at Robinson had a sort of Black Emanuelle. Poor Robinson, after a long abstinence, kept asking her what they were doing after they returned from work and went to sleep until they found out that they had it called "Ding-ding." We watched this movie with my classmates in the city, and in the summer we went to rest in the village. When this film was brought to the village for rent, we made a joke: Among the old grandmother's records we found one that was attributed to the projectionist Petya Gerasimov and put on his turntable. Then there was a fashion in the village: before and after the session, turn the music. On the column hung a shaggy speaker and belched as best he could music, calling the audience to the "Magic Lantern". While the audience was gathering, our music did not arouse any suspicion. When the movie was over, and the audience left the club, the speaker rushed out of the speaker: Kolo-kol-bell, Bluebell, Kolya, Kolya-Nikolash, Where will we meet with you? Ah, Kolya-Nicholas, Where will we meet with you? And the refrain: Ding-ding! Ding Ding! ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding! This record remained for a long time in the club, it was put up when Indian films were brought, and the most rated film was "Signor Robinson" for a long time ...
A successful cast
It was glorious 1993. I was at that time a cadet of the 1st year of the St. Petersburg Infantry School. We're at the field exit. In the street the beginning of spring (a beautiful time, birds there, mud knee-deep, etc.). Classes on throwing grenades RGD-5. (RGD-5 is a hand-operated fragmentation grenade designed to engage the enemy's manpower in offensive and defense.) The radius of dispersal of slaughter fragments is about 25 m, the average throw range is 40-50 m.) Throwing a battle (!!!) grenade for the first time - very nervous for the thrower process. All the action takes place in the order of the live order according to the list. My turn should come in the middle of the session, and according to the responses dismissed the case is not complicated, but rather simple. We throw into a target the size of human growth at a distance of 30-40 meters. The closer to the target, the higher the score. Everything is very simple. And in the very target so no one got - who is a meter to the left, who is to the right - in short, the probability theory works in full. Teacher in order to see where the grenade flew to the trench is not hiding. Since, according to the same theory, the probabilities from such a distance do not fall into it. In short everything is according to plan. Well, here comes my turn ... The received ammunition, the bag is pleasantly burdensome. The teacher's commands are distributed and I already (as in the song) with a grenade in my hand on the firing line. The growth target is almost half covered with mud, that is, it is a spectacle of a man climbing into a midge, by a soft place (n-yes comparison ...). - Grenade the fire !!! Ring in one hand grenade in the other. Throw and dive into the trench. The teacher does not bend over. A terrible explosion is heard and I understand by the tonality that something went wrong. Next after the explosion there were slaps of something sticky to me on the helmet. The first thought: "Do not bother, damn!" And along the way, a lieutenant colonel settles on my helmet in the form of bloody scrapes. " Raising a little head, I saw the feet of the teacher and realized that he was alive. Further there was a continuous cry, accompanied by such a mat. When I saw him in full growth, I understood the reason for this crazy burst of emotions !!! He was all in the mud, as if the old lieutenant-colonel had been chasing a couple of hours in a plastic way. Turning my eyes to the target, I realized that I was. And I got it !!! A pile of dirt that fell asleep the target was completely absent, as in other things and most of the target. Launched by my mark with a hand - the grenade hit exactly in the "legs" of the target, fell into a liquid mass of dirt. And somewhere in the depths of it jerked! The translation of the words of the teacher sounded like: "You will work as a washing machine for me, my wife and my children and their children and so on until the seventh tribe for a very long time." But the most insulting for this throw I was put two and I taught for a long time and, most offensive, long handed over all the material about this grenade. Now many years have passed since that moment, but lift me up at night and ask for its characteristics, I will answer everything.
Read before using
I read an anecdote today "The inscription on the free newspaper:" Please read before using. "" And I recalled my previous work in one of these publications. I was engaged in making up this very little newspaper. The amount of work was quite tolerable, but parking, as elsewhere, sometimes happened ... Misprints, of course, come from anyone, but they jumped into the press directly masterpieces. Here are some results of our intense creativity: What if, in the word "losing weight", skip the letter "d" ?! Believe me, not specifically ... And now, really, a masterpiece. The first page, a hefty expensive advertising module about a store with goods for fishing. We read carefully - where there should be rubber boats, "RUBBER PEOPLE" flaunts in healthy letters. On the demand for this product in the store I will not lie - I do not know, but I did not get any complaints ... We had a proofreader, but it seems the girl was caught with a sense of humor.
So the logic ripens
5-year-old Yulia recites "Cockroach" Chukovsky: -... Only crayfish-fighters are not afraid of the fight-fight ... I'm trying to fix it - not Yu, and I'm "not afraid of fighting". She does not agree: - Firstly, I am the last letter in the alphabet. All about myself - I am I, I myself said, ugly. Secondly, the letter Yu - the most beautiful: I start with it - Yu-Yu-Yu-lya ... This is how the logic of women matures, and nothing can be done about it.
Habit - second nature
My friend's wife, standing by her blessed somewhere to blow herself up on a glass, immediately rolls up hysterics, while she is only interested in one question: does he love her, and if he likes, why does he drink like a dog? Once the drugan poddal above the norm, so much higher that the defrocked by the warm July sun fell asleep right on the bench in the park. After some time two guards of order approached him. The dialogue that took place between them took place, the friend was told in the local sobering-up center the next morning, with hysterical laughter: "Citizen, your documents?" - I love, I love ... - Your documents, citizen !!?! "Well, I said the same, I love ..." "Yes, he's insane!" - while one of the guards pretty well ohrenachil friend of a rubber truncheon - documents come on! - Oh oh oh! Yes, I say, I love, much love!
Souvenir from Gorbachev
It was the third of November 1995 in Moscow. It was a terribly rainy and slushy evening, I wandered around the city for nothing - there was nothing to do and the mood was very suitable for the weather. He walked, walked and reached the house of a book on Novy Arbat, and on it hangs an announcement, the essence of which is that today on 3/11/95 here, on the second floor Mikhail Gorbachev will give autographs to his new book "Life and Reforms" in two volumes. The book, respectively, can also be purchased. I suddenly for some reason wanted this publication and the autograph for memory and went in. And indeed - on the second floor, surrounded by militia, Gorbachev sits and signs his books to everyone. Having bought a two-volume book for 45 rubles, I stood in line and waited. It was possible not to buy a book, but to get an autograph on the advertising booklet for the book, but I wanted the book - for memory. In front of me in the queue was a young man with a standard view of a "poor student." He had no money for a book and he expected to get an autograph on the advertisement, but since there were only a few minutes left until the end of the three-hour event, all the advertisements were already distributed and Gorbachev had nothing to sign. He thought about it, looked at the student, asked if he had any paper at all. The student drew his student card from a distant pocket and handed it to Gorbachev. He opened it and found that the document is valid for the 91/92 school year, and the courtyard was the 95th. However, Gorby did not lose his head and wrote in the student's word "Renew" and signed. Everyone on the floor did not fall for laughs. This is a souvenir!
Drainage tube
In years old my cousin served as a rifleman at the railway station in Novosibirsk. And I happened to watch him such a picture - the composition of tanks with, for example, Agdam comes and starts to sort this composition. As if accidentally one of the tanks rolls back to a quiet corner and there begins just a circus show: the driver disperses this tank and then brakes so brazenly. And on the tank there is a drainage pipe, it's just that nothing can be pushed through it, it can not be pumped out, but from the severe braking Agdamchik fires the tube through the tube. And at this time the assistant to the machinist with a bucket tries to catch this fountain! After a few iterations, the bucket is full, all the heroes are loaded into their maneuver and leave (apparently, in the depot).
Plasterer
In the distant, forgotten by the god and the authorities of the village of Okhturye in the Tyumen region, 6 students of Minsk Radio Engineering are engaged in plaster coating of a building of an incomprehensible purpose. The month of July. Mockingly the sun is baking, in the shadow waiting for the evil gang of crocodile-shaped mosquitoes. Water comes directly from the river - with a full range of flavors, from dead fish to chemical waste of civilization. White nights: you wake up, yesterday's gorilka splashes in the throat, elements are walking in the head, light outside the window, two on the clock. Nights? Day? Dick knows. Turn around and fall asleep again. But this is all the background, the scenery ... Front: Schekaturim we, therefore, the wall. Dima takes the solution on the shoulder blade, climbs up the stairs, flops it up with an aesthetically contemptuous view of the wall, smooths, slices, picks up the solution on the shoulder blade, climbs ... smeared, slices, picks up a shoulder blade, climbs, the crossbar improvises the ladder, Dima falls in the cruel paws of gravity ... Once again assuming an upright position, snorts like a cat caught in a sink, and with the words "The second part of the Marlezzo ballet!" resolutely climbs up again. Stretcher with a mortar, it should be noted are quite far from the stairs and I without any thought, wishing to facilitate his work, I advise: - You stretch the stretcher closer ... - I tried, Dima answers hopelessly, - I do not get into them ...
Assertive Deputy Chief Engineer
In the ZabVO this happened in 1991. Once upon a time, there were soldiers in one unit. And I really wanted them to celebrate the New Year. And as for a misfortune there lived still an evil and bad zampotech, who himself did not drink and did not give soldiers. And that's what came out of this confrontation. Zampoteh man was very intelligent and ochchchen annoying. In the New Year, scornful of family joys, he moved with the speed of Batman across the territory of the part looking into all the cracks and alleys, which caused the violent displeasure of the family and the hatred of personnel tired of drinking tea. Preserved vodka did not give rest, fired up thirst and drove crazy, but the activity of crazy zapotheha did not give any chance. And it was decided to Solomon's decision - to postpone the holiday for a later time. All hopes zamnoteha on the implementation of plans for a visit to the guardhouse personnel collapsed in an instant. A few days later, grandfathers and scoops soldier's New Year decided to still celebrate. С этой целью были взяты ключи от офицерской бани, приглашены девушки, принесена еда и поставлен шухер в казарме на случай если чего. Праздник был в полном разгаре, как раз в момент когда пару молодцев дружно кончали в местную красотку, а остальные разминались водочкой в баню влетел шухер: атас!!! зампотех в казарме!!! Старательный военный не удовлетворившийся бесплодной Новогодней ночью решил взять реванш и взялся быть дежурным офицером в ту ночь. Какие то неведомые флюиды вдруг вытащили его из теплой кровати и привели в казарму в поисках жертв. Появившись в казарме он выслушал рапорт дежурного, побродил по коридору, подергав за ручки и направился в расположение. За это время большая часть бойцов пробралась в казарму с запасного выхода, но не успела войти в расположение и так и осталась в темном коридоре, где, затаив дыхание, наблюдала за дальнейшими действиями зампотеха. Очутившись в расположении зампотех оглядел помещение и довольно потер руки: факт нарушения дисциплины был налицо: в казарме было много пустых кроватей с откинутыми одеялами. Дана команда, принесли список вечерней поверки и выяснили: нет половины личного состава. - Ну, и где они? - Наверное, в туалет вышли, тыщ майор... - Я вам устрою счас такой туалет... и с этими словами неунимающийся зампотех побежал в дежурку, где незамедлительно включил сигнал боевой тревоги части... Надо ли говорить, что по этому сигналу с постелей были подняты все офицеры части, вплоть до бати... Надо ли говорить, что они все, матерясь и чертыхаясь, застегивая портупеи принеслись к казарме... Надо ли говорить, что недостающая половина личного состава благополучно просочилась через запасной вход в казарму, откуда и выбежала с остальным личным составом тоже матерясь... Через 10 минут ВЕСЬ личный состав стоял в строю, а зампотех испуганно блеял бате: - Да как же так?! Я же видел... не было половины... туалет... Батя играл желваками и смотрел в никуда, офицеры мрачно смотрели на зампотеха. После короткого и энергичного полового акта с зампотехом всех распустили, а герой ночи пошел думать думу. Тут ему в голову пришла одна мысль - он пулей пронеся к запасному входу и... - Аааа, суки, вот как значит меня на#бали - подумал он, и после короткого полового акта с дежурным по роте, задумчиво побрел домой... Выждав пять минут и увидев спину удаляющегося зампотеха народ потянулся в баню... А спустя еще десять минут тишину ночи опять взрезала сирена. На этот раз зампотех был на посту... Надо ли говорить, что пока зампотех дежурил изнутри, недостающая половина личного состава тупо прибежала на место построения из-за угла казармы... Надо ли говорить, что по этому сигналу с постелей были подняты все офицеры части, вплоть до бати... Надо ли говорить, что когда торжествующий зампотех вышел из казармы он увидел ВЕСЬ личный состав и лица мрачных офицеров, а так же бездонные глаза бати и его желваки... Бэтмен попытался быстро испарится, был настигнут полковником в коридоре, где с ним был проведен поло ой акт в особо извращенной форме. После этого всех распустили. Зампотеху было присоветовано идти домой и принять таблетки. По инициативе не успевших познакомится с прелестями местных красоток к Бэтмену был приставлен дух из разведвзвода, дабы оттачивал мастерство маскировки, а заодно заранее предупреждал о налетах. Спустя пять минут, увидев спину удаляющегося зампотеха и тень ушуршавшего следом разведчика, народ потянулся в баню... А в это время, в карауле, получив информацию по телефону от дежурного по роте, о серии половых сношений с зампотехом, а так же о наличии, кроме прочих, в бане местной красотки под кодовым прозвищем "Большие сиськи" несколько охранявших Отчизну военных решили присоединиться к парящимся в бане. Доводы были следующие: - Начкар дрыхнет, а разводящий прикроет. От караулки до бани недалеко. После серии половых сношений у зампотеха болит попа и он уже не пойдет проверять караул. И главное - очень хочется е#аться... ну, и выпить... Бэтмена явно недооценили... Презрев семейные радости и начхав на настойчивые советы офицеров полечиться, он бросился выполнять свой служебный долг в караул. Дух-разведчик быстро оценил ситуацию и ломанулся в баню, хотя и не знал, что там уже под краном холодной воды обмывают свои члены караульные. Дальнейшее в точности повторило предыдущие события ночи... Караульные успели появится на территории караульного городка, но не успели попасть внутрь помещения. Бэтмен придя в караулку зашел в комнату отдыха личного состава и там... правильно, там никого не было, в караулке протирал глаза сонный и нечего не понимающий начкар и слонялось несколько теней духов, которым еще рано было обмывать свои члены. Зампотех радостно е ре р руки и с воплем "Караул в ружье!!! " бросился к рубильнику боевой тревоги караула... В это время предприимчивые военные обдираясь и матерясь протискивались через бойницы в комнату отдыха личного состава... Широко улыбаясь Бэтмен стоял у пирамиды с оружием и ждал. Вскоре его улыбка стала угасать - из дебрей караулки врывались караульные на ходу застегивающие амуницию, хватали оружие и вставали в строй. Лишних автоматов в пирамиде не осталось... Сонный и ничего не понимающий начкар с ожиданием смотрел в перекошенное лицо зампотеха и ждал вводную. Вводной не поступало, начкар недоумевал. Хрустящую тишину нарушил звериный рык зампотеха. Тыкая пальцев в первого от себя деда он вопил: - Сука!!! Где ты был?! - Отдыхал, тыщ майор!!! - Ты?! - В туалете, тыщ майор!!! - Бл#!!! Я вам покажу туалет, я вам счас устрою!!! Нападение на часового на восьмой точке, бегом, бля!!! В соответствии с боевым рс ас анием отдыхающая смена заняла оборону вокруг карпома, бодрствующая смена бегом утопала в ночь... В карпоме в это время шел половой акт с начкаром. Начкар ничего не понимал, божился и клялся, ссылался на то, что вот же они все здесь!!! - на месте!!! Зампотех не унимался, вращал бешено глазами и с пеной у рта орал на бедного прапорщика. Затем бросился вон, руководить войной вокруг карпома. Начкар решил позвонить дежурному по части. Тут он услышал о предшествующих событиях. После короткого совещания, было решено: зампотеха изловить, связать и доставить в санчасть для освидетельствования. Выполнено это было быстро и очень неожиданно для Бэтмена. Свою неудовлетворенность в половом вопросе, военные сублимировали на зампотехе... На всякий случай позвонили бате... Надо ли говорить, что утром на разводе зампотеха уже не было. Он ушел в быстротечный отпуск, после которого был переведен в другое подразделение, а затем говорят, и вообще ушел на гражданку. Надо ли говорить, что после этого случая, офицеры НИКОГДА не проверяли наличие личного состава после отбоя. Надо ли говорить, что половина парившихся в бане все-таки получили по призу - а именно: гусарский насморк, который потом и лечили в санчасти за водку и коноплю. Автор же этой заметки ничего не поймал, так как нажрался в самом начали и благополучно проспал всю ночь, так как никуда ему бегать не надо было - числился в патруле. Вот такая блин, вечная молодость...
Три баночки
Случилось это году так в 1996 в начале лета. Три студента одной из групп 1 курса ПГУПС были невероятно счастливы сдачей одного из экзаменов, так как им, ну, очень уж приперло поскорей его отпраздновать нольпяшечкой или даже литриком. Да и как же без этого - день просто замечательный, ребята все как на подбор - в костюмах (1 же курс пока), настроение лучше не придумаешь, водочку холодненькую купили, да вот беда - не продается нигде стаканчиков для наших молодцов. How to be? Ан нет! Где наша не пропадала?! Природная сообразительность не дала водке согреться, а настроению упасть - один из них был отправлен в... аптеку за... баночками, которые при кашле на спину ставят. And what? Размер собственно подходящий, да и стоят они недорого. Попробуйте представить себе картинку - молодой человек перед продавщицей в аптеке просит подать ему ТРИ баночки. А что оставалось продавщице, - правильно, только посоветовать перед использованием протереть...
Крепкий народ в Братске
Случилось это в году так 1988, мы с кентом учились в Томске, в ТИАСУРе. У нашего общего друга, который уже дипломировался год назад и жил в Усть-Илимске, случился праздник, годовщина свадьбы, он звонит нам в Томск и говорит, пацаны, приезжайте, посинячим, покажу Усть-Илимск, ГРЭС, то-се... Нас два раза приглашать не надо, нам собраться - только подопоясаться. А лететь надо через Братск, там пересадка, около четырех часов выпадает из графика. Мы выпили в буфете аэропорта по пивку, и пошли шляться по городу Братску, чтобы хоть как-то расширить кругозор. Идем по улице, смотрим по сторонам и наблюдаем такую картину: на пятом этаже, на балконе происходит какое-то действо, типа вялотекущей драки, наконец с балкона выпадает мужик и летит вниз, как-то ловко залетает в крону тополя, который стоял рядом с домом и продолжает свое падение. Грохот, треск ломающихся сучьев, шелест листвы, мы стоим обалдевшие, мужик падал что-то около минуты, причем молча. Наконец, он выпал снизу из тополя, шмякнулся об тротуар жопой, весь ободранный и есссно в дым пьяный, и сказал фразу, меня поразившую на всю жизнь: - ООООП - ЛЯ!!! Крепкий народ в Братске...