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Vodka is so bad!
We are under repair: we make a huge bus. Locksmith us, drivers, help. It goes to dinner. We sent one of our crew for vodka. A sickly driver named "Pasha Yogi", I must admit, he justified his nickname! An hour passes, the second. Everyone is nervous, no one touches the snack. Here comes our "Yogi" and with the words: - Guys, vodka is so harmful! - lays out to our mechanics five (!!!) kilograms of halvah!
Now don't get it
He served in the construction battalion, was at one time a guard at a facility under construction. He was almost handed over to the customer and therefore furniture and other equipment was delivered to many rooms. The chief was Major Ch., Who kept alcohol in his office. A couple of times the soldiers from his part opened the office and drank alcohol. Once the major calls me into the office and, pointing to the heavy safe, proudly says: “Now they will not get to him.” The next morning, the safe is found at the foot of the stairs. Inside the broken decanter. No alcohol (flowed into the glasses through the slots).
Why such a bad pass?
A sports TV channel began to function in Uzbekistan. Behind his work is attached a special officer from the government, who controls what goes on the air and no matter how seditious about the Uzbek government. At this point, passed the football match. The image went poor quality, often disappeared, there were interferences. - What it is? - the government controller was indignant. “Why such a bad pass?” They began to explain to him: - You see, the signal from the satellite is weak, so the image is of poor quality ... - So, - said the controller, - call the satellite and tell him what he allows himself there! Let give a good signal!
A joke from children's books
A book with riddles for learning the alphabet. Answers to them begin with certain letters - well, like, “a pear is hanging - you cannot eat” is the letter “L” and a light bulb is drawn. The following is the correct answer, printed upside down. We got to the bukdy "Yu". A healthy striped cat is drawn, sitting sideways to the viewer. The riddle says: “What kind of animal with the letter“ U “cleans his little face?” If it were not for the printed answer, I probably would have tormented myself until the end of my days. The answer was: "Cat Julia".
Ding Ding
This story happened about 20 years ago. Then on the Soviet screens came the Italian comedy film "Signor Robinson". Very, I must say, funny comedy. In it, if anyone saw, Friday, Robinson had a sort of Black Emanuelle. Poor Robinson, after long abstinence, kept asking her what they were doing after returning from work and going to bed, until he found out that they called it "Ding-ding." My classmates and I watched this film in the city, and in the summer we went to rest in the village. When this film was rented to the village, we made a joke: Among the old grandmother's records, we found one, which was carried by the projectionist Pete Gerasimov, and put on his record player. Then there was a fashion in the village: before and after the session to turn the music. A shaggy speaker hung on a pole and belched music as best it could, summoning the audience to the Magic Lantern. While the audience gathered, our music didn’t arouse any suspicions. When the cinema was over, and the audience left the club, the speaker rushed: Kolo-kolo-kolokolchik, Kolokolchik blue, Kohl, Kolya-Nikolasha, Where will we meet with you? Eh, Kohl-Nikolasha, Where will we meet with you? And chorus: Ding-ding! Ding Ding! ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding! This disc remained in the club for a long time, it was put when Indian films were brought, and Signor Robinson remained the top rated film for a long time ...
Good shot
It was a glorious 1993 year. At that time I was a cadet of the 1st course of the St. Petersburg Infantry School. We are in the field. On the street, the beginning of spring (beautiful time, the birds there, mud on the knee, etc.). Classes for throwing grenades RGD-5. (RGD-5 is a remote-action manual fragmentation grenade designed to destroy enemy personnel in offensive and defense. The scattering radius of the slaughter fragments is about 25 m, the average throw range is 40-50 m.) Throwing combat (!!!) grenades for the first time - a very nervous process for the thrower. All action takes place in the order of the live queue according to the list. My turn should come in the middle of the lesson, and according to reviews that were dismissed, the matter is not complicated, but rather simple. Metaem in the target size of human height at a distance of 30-40 meters. The closer to the target, the higher the score. Everything is very simple. And no one got to the target itself - who is one meter to the left, who is to the right - in short, the probability theory works in full. The teacher in order to see where the grenade flew into the trench is not hiding. Since according to the same theory of probability from such a distance, the fragments will not fall into it. In short everything is according to plan. Well, here comes my turn ... Received ammunition, pleasantly pouch. Teacher commands are distributed and I already (as in the song) with a grenade in my hand at the firing line. The growth target is almost half filled with mud, that is, it is a spectacle of a person who has climbed into a murovynik by a soft spot (n-yes, a comparison ...). - Grenade fire !!! A ring in one hand is a grenade in the other. Throw and dive into the trench. The teacher is not stooping. There is a terrible explosion and I understand from the key that something has gone wrong. Following the explosion, there were slaps of something sticky to my helmet. My first thought: “Not good, fucking !!! And along the way, Comrade Lieutenant Colonel settles on my helmet in the form of bloody bits and pieces.” Raising my head a little, I saw the teacher's legs and realized that he was alive. Next was a continuous cry, accompanied by such a foul language. When I saw him in full growth, I understood the reason for this mad outburst of emotions !!! He was covered in mud, as if the old lieutenant colonel had been chasing a couple of hours for a couple of hours. Looking at the target, I realized that I had hit. And hit specifically !!! The pile of dirt that covered the target was completely absent, as was the case with most of the target. Launched by my hand mark - the grenade hit exactly the target's "legs", fell into the liquid mass of dirt. And somewhere there in the depths of jerked! The translation of the words of the teacher sounded like this: "You will work as a washing machine for me, my wife and my children and their children, and so on until the seventh generation for a very long time." But the most offensive for this shot I was given two and I studied for a long time and, the most offensive, I gave up all the material about this grenade for a long time. Many years have passed since that moment, but lift me up at night and ask her characteristics, I will answer everything.
Pearl Harbor
Yesterday, a conversation with a girl about the movie "Pearl Harbor". I ask - I watched? He says he does not remember, asks to tell about what. I begin to rub about the Japanese raid on the US naval base, about how they were crushed there, etc., etc. She looks at me and at the end says: - Is this where two guys loved one girl ?! So it was necessary to start with this!
Do not wash the car!
In the courtyard, a man bought a new typewriter. Good machine. Neat and pretty. And in the autumn I agreed with our half-deaf janitor that he would wash this machine in the morning. All the way - the janitor is happy with the money, the man is happy with the clean machine. Washing machines mainly consisted in the morning piling it with water from a bucket. Idyll lasted until the cold. The janitor, a person far from the equipment in general, (except for his trough on wheels), well, and in general a strange person - at five in the morning he dips the car from the bucket with boiling water. And even has time to rub the machine a little with a cloth, before it froze to the windshield. The janitor scratches the spot where he once had the mind, and takes another bucket of boiling water, ”the machine rolls over once more, the ice seems to come off, the rag freezes. It is done. Turning his back to the typewriter, and in no case, with a clear conscience, for ten minutes he scraped snow from the road with his scraper and got out of it in an unknown direction. At seven in the morning the owner throws out into the yard, sees an ice sculpture, starts shouting insulting words about the janitor, and tries to remove the ice. At half-past seven the owner somehow breaks off partly the ice from the machine, and decreases to work. A janitor appears - notes that there are no cars. So the problem with ice is the essence of a far-fetched business, and all the way, otherwise the owner would have had it already. In the evening, the owner of the car, trying to find a janitor - to no avail. The Dez said - the whereabouts at the moment is unknown. Will be tomorrow. The owner leaves a note on the windshield "DON'T LAUGH TO WATER THE CAR!", And goes to sleep. The morning of the next day ... A janitor, like an honest man (money received in advance), at five in the morning pours boiling water over the machine. At seven in the morning, surprised by such janitorial perseverance, the owner of the car is sitting on a bench and looking at the note rolled into the ice along with the front part, whistles tensely. Janitor, of course, nowhere. The owner breaks off the ice, goes to work. In the evening, trying to find a janitor - to no avail. Another morning ... From half past four, the owner of the car was sitting in an ambush, looking out the window at the typewriter. At five in the morning, struggling with sleep, he suddenly shudders and sees a pale shadow with a bucket in the yard. Realizing that he does not have time to go down from the fifth to the first, the owner opens the window and at that moment, when the janitor raises the bucket, the terrible screams in a brutal voice: “STAY, BITCH! The janitor quivered and poured the bucket onto the hood. The yard was awakened by the sounds of blows ...
Old forecasts
- In the future, computers will weigh no more than 1.5 tons. (Rorular Meshacis, 1949) - I think that in the world market we will find the demand for five computers. (Thatma Watson - director of IBM, 1943) - I traveled far and wide to this country, I communicated with the smartest people and I can assure you that data processing is just a fad, the fashion for which will last no more than a year. (editor of the editorial publishing house Nare, 1957) - But, what: can be useful in this thing? (a question on the discussion of the creation of a microchip in Advanse Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968) - No one may need to have a computer in their home. (Ken Olson - Founder and President of the Digital Expert Corporation, 1977) - A device such as a telephone has too many shortcomings to consider it as a means of communication. Therefore, I believe that this invention has no value. (from discussions in the Company Western Union in 1876) - This music box without wires can not have any commercial value. Who will pay for messages that are not intended for a private person? (partners of David Holynoff association in response to his proposal to invest in a radio project, 1920) - The concept is interesting and well framed. But, in order for an idea to start working, it must contain common sense. (Prof. Wale Universit in response to Fred Smith's proposal to organize a home delivery service; Fred Smith - will become the founder of the Fredal Export Delivery Service.) - Yes, who the hell are the actors interested in talking? (N. M. Warner's reaction to the Warner Blowers on the use of sound in cinema, 1927) - We do not like their sound and, in general, the guitar is yesterday. (Dessa Retailing Co., which rejected the recording of the album of the group Thе Beatles, in 1962) - Flying machines weighing heavier than air are impossible! (Lоrd Kelvin - President of the Royal Society - Rial Sоietu - 1895) - Professor Goudard does not understand the relationship between action and reaction, he is not aware that the reaction requires more suitable conditions than a vacuum. It seems that the professor is experiencing an acute lack of basic knowledge, which is taught in high school. (an editorial in the newspaper NeW War Times, devoted to the revolutionary work of Robert Goddar on the subject of a rocket, 1921) - Drilling the earth in search of oil? Do you mean that you need to drill the earth in order to find oil? You're crazy. (response to Edwin L. Dr. project in 1859) - Airplanes are interesting toys, but they do not represent any military value. (Maréch Férndinånd Foch, Professor, Eserie Surrieure de Gérré.) - Everything that could be invented has already been invented. (Charles N. Duel - Commissioner of the US Patent Office, 1899) - Louis Pasteur's theory of microbes is a ridiculous fantasy. (Rieherr Rashet - Professor of Psychology at the University of Toulouse, 1872) - The stomach, chest and brain will always be closed to the invasion of a wise and humane surgeon. (Sir John Heath Erisksen - British doctor appointed by the chief surgeon of Queen Victoria, 1873) - 640 KB should be enough for everyone. (Bill Gates, 1981) - $ 100 million - too high a price for MisroSoft. (IBM, 1982)
CAR SELECTION.
VAZ 2111 I bought the car 12/31/2004, because there was a $ 100 discount. I took a luxury package, immediately put electric windows, power steering, signalization, music, taped the body, bought new rubber mats, changed the brushes from the janitors, well, there, wheels, tires, this is understandable, and went! What can I say, luxury car! Maybe I was lucky, but over 7253 km I changed only the thrust bearing, a pair of struts, clutch slave cylinder, carburetor, oil pump, plugs and cylinder head. Well, the brakes don't count. And that's it !!! I think the VAZ 2111 taxis! Yes, and only one was. Volkswagen New Beetle In principle, my friend and I went to buy something completely different. We were going to buy me a bra, but I saw this << Beetle >>, and my heart collapsed. Bought immediately. The color is cool, bright yellow, in tune with sandals. Excellent cross-country! Already two times went on nature, so the machine fits easily into the body of the << Ural >> and goes where the rest get stuck. Cool steering wheel is not thick and not thin, but just the way I like, firm to the touch, it is very easy for them to rotate in different directions. Still a lot of buttons, and all include something. I would have had two. In general, girls, I recommend to everyone. And that the bra did not buy so on such a machine, you can ride without a bra! VAZ 11113 Five years went to << Oka >>, then gave it to his son. Only he is still small, but I made it radio-controlled, with a remote control, riding on << Crone >> batteries. The boy is happy! GAZ M20 In 1954 I bought << Victory >>. After buying a neighbor pounded, I had to change, there were no more problems with the car. Нummer Н2 Neighbors for a communal apartment offered to buy a cheap << Hummer >> << Landcruzer >> they went to the store to buy a Toyota Corolla car. Manager convinced that you need to buy only << Landkryuzer >>. I sold the apartment, I bought it. I lived in it for a little over two months, I will share my first impressions. The car is good, spacious (after the apartment, of course, a bit crowded, but you get used to it quickly). The steering wheel is a bit uncomfortable, I cling to it all the time when I take out the garbage, but, it seems, it can be removed at any branded auto center. The chandelier with my feet sometimes hits the Main plus: I save a lot on my rent. VAZ 2106 In Russia, you have to drive on domestic cars! I have a six here, and I can even repair it anywhere, anytime. I repair it in the morning, day and night, and at night. And myself, and when, and on the track, and in the garage. I recommend everyone to a proven << Shokhu >>. Mersedes-Benz S500 From your words, I realized that after chip tuning on your << Merina >> there was an original ECU with an engine, and such options as CO4NO consumption were not read in the version of the firmware with which the Mersa flash engines are equipped. And the resource of such an engine is practically unlimited without additional pressurization. PS: I myself have been driving a << penny >> for 25 years and I don’t blow it! VAZ 2120 It took a little more than a month from the date of purchase. Mileage 6125 km. In general, the car is not bad, comfortable, large trunk. Cons: hijacked. Appealed to the October traffic police, they said they would look. I turned to Leninsky traffic police, they said that they would not search, since they were already looking for October, but this is not a bad car. Moskvich-412 Old << Moskvich >> is good because it does not mind him! I leave it under the windows all year round nobody even thought to steal. So guys and girls will be pampered in the cabin, they will spoil a little, they will throw up condoms, but to steal, no! VAZ 2110 Took with the boys "ten". There was another choice < >, but it was too catchy, afraid that they would burn. Travel by car all day, I will share my impressions. The car is reliable, although everything seems to be scolded. But did not fail, even when leaving the cops through the lawns. Probably had a good host. Moreover, one. And about < > I can not say anything there were two owners in the cabin. IL-2126 At << Izh >> do all at the traffic lights! And it is on the handbrake! VAZ 2107 I go to the "seven" and grief do not know. At first, however, a little grieved. There were problems with the gearbox (the car came from the factory without a box, and then they put the box, but forgot to screw it up). But then I completed everything myself and even learned how to switch speeds (add a bit of rotation to the translational movements and shake the lever a little). I highly recommend it to everyone! Audi A6 Drove recently << Audi A6 >> from Germany. At first there was a small problem: in the trunk was found the former owner of the car, a German. I had to spend money on a train ticket to Düsseldorf. And so the car is great! RorsNe Cayenne Turbo Bought << Porsche Cayenne Turbo >>, drove 800 m on it, after which it was necessary to replace both front fenders, bumper, all lighting engineering, hood, windshield, radiator, engine, front suspension. Well, in the building of the auto center - so, on trifles. And this is the praised German quality ?! Cevrolet Niva My << Chevy-Niva >> prepaid for half a year. But when I got the car, I realized that these months were the happiest in my life! How can I get my money back?
SUBSTRATES
The whole human life consists of the bases of the most different types and levels - the beginning is different from cocoa and foam in kindergarten and ending with a month’s entry to the local crematorium. Faced with the next setup, different people behave differently: someone gathers an ass in a strong-willed fist and creatively overcomes an obstacle, someone, on the contrary, indulges in despondency and floods the grief with alcohol, and then - collects a drunken priest into a fist and overcomes the obstacle in the most unexpected way. It is impossible to equip your life without sub-bases, because they have a secret meaning of all human existence, however, you can try and identify and study the main types of bases in order to meet them with your head held high - it is possible and even necessary. We decided to be the first to raise this stone of Sisyphus - let's join: let's hit science on the bases! So, after speculating and pondering before each other, we have identified the following types of the most common bases: Household stand: turn off the water, especially without warning from the housing office. A particularly difficult type of household appliance is to turn off the water at the moment of taking water procedures with particularly aggravating circumstances, such as cosmetic shaving, hair dyeing, or corny soaped head. A particularly idiotic view of household appliances is turning off cold water in forty-degree heat, when boiled tenants do not have the strength to deal with plumbers and only sluggishly shine with crimson mugs because of curtains drawn. Unpleasant, in general. Podstava tragic: the lack of toilet paper, found after the completion of domestic pokake. Particularly difficult is the tragic framing of the stage — going to the toilet during the first romantic date at the hahala’s apartment: the aunt who had been trapped must decide what less traumatic it is to ask the coveted roll of the prince pouring champagne or look for improvised means, risking to attract attention with extraneous sounds and irregularly long stay clear where. Substitute electronic: accidentally hammered into the chief's address in sending a letter to singing vaginas to his friends. Particularly difficult is the framing of the e-vagina, in an unknown way, sent to the main client of the office with the note "Confidential" and your comment "I can do that too!". Substations telephone, a kind of framing e: messages sent to the wrong address. Particularly difficult is the telephone set - sms containing sexual appeals sent by chance to unauthorized persons of your gender, for example, a hundred messages like "I want you, my love, I will rape you at a meeting!" randomly sent to your academic advisor. The financial support: the absence of a wallet found at the checkout. A particularly difficult type of financial support is the absence of a wallet found at the hypermarket’s checkout after a mountain of shnyagi has already been punched and packed in bags, some juice is opened and drunk, and behind it turns a row of dozens of shopping compatriots who have come into a rage from shopping. Substituting tourist: diarrhea, which began on the first day of a week-long vacation, and ended on the eve of return. A particularly difficult type of tourist base: diarrhea, which covered the bride on a honeymoon trip to the Seychelles: crackers and festivities around the room on shaky legs instead of wild sex on the night beach. The average stand is an emotional dialogue with a man who has been behind for about ten minutes and is lost in the crowd. Particularly difficult is the average setting - obscene inclusions or the issuance of insider information such as "pancake, Tanka, thong rubbed ass" to outsiders. Substandard office: loudly voiced opinions and judgments heard by those to whom they were not intended. A particularly difficult type of office setup is aggressive, “Girls, I asked you not to connect me with this stupid woman from the tax office!”, Said to the secretaries on the phone and realize after a pause of the fact that the stupid woman from the tax office is already on the wire and listens attentively to you. Substitute romantic: excerpts uttered aloud from internal monologues. Particularly difficult is the kind of romantic setting - loud, "so what, that he has a little, but he is a good man!" issued in office silence at the height of the working day. Podstava teenage - a pack of cigarettes and condoms in the pocket of a school apron. A particularly difficult kind of setup is the used pregnancy test found by mom in the collection of Pushkin’s works at the time of the planned apartment cleaning. Car podstavta - any podstav that happened to the aunt while she was driving: gasoline ended, glass washer discharged, wheel punched, etc. Particularly difficult type of car setup - all of the above, plus a nervous husband in the front seat. The genetic stand is all vile, inherited from the ancestors of the aunt: from the ass’s non-arranging aunt and ending with the absence of a musical ear with a strong desire to sing Aida on the stages of large and small academic theaters. Internet setup: a romantic acquaintance in a chat with a dream man under the nickname "Super facker", which ended in a dumb meeting with a medium-sized dwarf named Edward. A particularly difficult type of Internet setup is annual communication with a pleasant young man, later found out by Natasha from the marketing department. This is far from a complete list of the bases with which any, even the most fortunate aunt must have come across in life - we suggest continuing our research in order to be fully armed and fight the bases with all the means at our disposal, join. Cheers, comrades!
A joke from children's books
A book with riddles for learning the alphabet. Answers to them begin with certain letters - well, like, “a pear is hanging - you cannot eat” is the letter “L” and a light bulb is drawn. The following is the correct answer, printed upside down. We got to the bukdy "Yu". A healthy striped cat is drawn, sitting sideways to the viewer. The riddle says: “What kind of animal with the letter“ U “cleans his little face?” If it were not for the printed answer, I probably would have tormented myself until the end of my days. The answer was: "Cat Julia".
Ding Ding
This story happened about 20 years ago. Then on the Soviet screens came the Italian comedy film "Signor Robinson". Very, I must say, funny comedy. In it, if anyone saw, Friday, Robinson had a sort of Black Emanuelle. Poor Robinson, after long abstinence, kept asking her what they were doing after returning from work and going to bed, until he found out that they called it "Ding-ding." My classmates and I watched this film in the city, and in the summer we went to rest in the village. When this film was rented to the village, we made a joke: Among the old grandmother's records, we found one, which was carried by the projectionist Pete Gerasimov, and put on his record player. Then there was a fashion in the village: before and after the session to turn the music. A shaggy speaker hung on a pole and belched music as best it could, summoning the audience to the Magic Lantern. While the audience gathered, our music didn’t arouse any suspicions. When the cinema was over, and the audience left the club, the speaker rushed: Kolo-kolo-kolokolchik, Kolokolchik blue, Kohl, Kolya-Nikolasha, Where will we meet with you? Eh, Kohl-Nikolasha, Where will we meet with you? And chorus: Ding-ding! Ding Ding! ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding! This disc remained in the club for a long time, it was put when Indian films were brought, and Signor Robinson remained the top rated film for a long time ...
Good shot
It was a glorious 1993 year. At that time I was a cadet of the 1st course of the St. Petersburg Infantry School. We are in the field. On the street, the beginning of spring (beautiful time, the birds there, mud on the knee, etc.). Classes for throwing grenades RGD-5. (RGD-5 is a remote-action manual fragmentation grenade designed to destroy enemy personnel in offensive and defense. The scattering radius of the slaughter fragments is about 25 m, the average throw range is 40-50 m.) Throwing combat (!!!) grenades for the first time - a very nervous process for the thrower. All the action takes place in the order of the live queue according to the list. My turn should come in the middle of the lesson, and according to reviews that were dismissed, this is not a difficult task, but rather a simple one. Metaem in the target size of human height at a distance of 30-40 meters. The closer to the target, the higher the score. Everything is very simple. And no one got to the target itself - who is one meter to the left, who is to the right - in short, the probability theory works in full. The teacher in order to see where the grenade flew into the trench is not hiding. Since according to the same theory of probability from such a distance, the fragments will not fall into it. In short everything is according to plan. Well, here comes my turn ... Received ammunition, pleasantly pouch. Teacher commands are distributed and I already (as in the song) with a grenade in my hand at the firing line. The growth target is almost half filled with mud, that is, it is a spectacle of a person who has climbed into a murovynik by a soft spot (n-yes, a comparison ...). - Grenade fire !!! A ring in one hand is a grenade in the other. Throw and dive into the trench. The teacher is not stooping. There is a terrible explosion and I understand from the key that something has gone wrong. Following the explosion, there were slaps of something sticky to my helmet. My first thought: “Not damned, damn !!!” And along the way, comrade lieutenant colonel settles on my helmet in the form of bloody bits and pieces ”. Raising my head a little, I saw the teacher's legs and realized that he was alive. Next was a continuous cry, accompanied by such a foul language. When I saw him in full growth, I understood the reason for this mad outburst of emotions !!! He was covered in mud, as if the old lieutenant colonel had been chasing a couple of hours for a couple of hours. Looking at the target, I realized that I had hit. And hit specifically !!! The pile of dirt that covered the target was completely absent, as was the case with most of the target. Launched by my hand mark - the grenade hit exactly the target's "legs", fell into the liquid mass of dirt. And somewhere there in the depths of jerked! The translation of the words of the teacher was: “You will work as a washing machine for me, my wife and my children and their children, and so on until the seventh generation for a very long time.” But the most offensive for this shot I was given two and I studied for a long time and, the most offensive, I gave up all the material about this grenade for a long time. Many years have passed since that moment, but lift me up at night and ask her characteristics, I will answer everything.
Read before use.
I read a joke today "The inscription on a free newspaper:" Please read before using. "" And I remembered the previous work in one of these publications. I was engaged in the layout of this rag. Объем работы был вполне терпимый, но запарки, как и везде, иногда случались... Опечатки, конечно, бывают у любого, но проскакивали в печать прямо-таки шедевры. Вот некоторые результаты нашего напряженного творчества: Что будет если в слове "похудение" пропустить букву "д"?! Поверьте, не специально ... А теперь, действительно, шедевр. Первая полоса, здоровенный дорогой рекламный модуль о магазине с товарами для рыбалки. Читаем внимательно - там, где должны быть резиновые лодки, здоровыми буквами красуется "РЕЗИНОВЫЕ ЛЮДКИ". О спросе на данный товар в магазине врать не буду - не знаю, но претензий не поступило... Был у нас и корректор, но видно девушка попалась с чувством юмора.
Так вызревает логика
5-летняя Юля декламирует "Тараканище" Чуковского: -... только раки-забияки не боЮтся боЮ-драки... Я пытаюсь ее поправить - не Ю, а Я - "не боЯтся боЯ-драки". Она не соглашается: - Во-первых, Я - последняя буква в азбуке. Все о себе - Я да Я, сам говорил, некрасиво. Во-вторых, буква Ю - самая красивая: я с нее начинаюсь - Ю-Ю-Ю-ля... Вот так вызревает женскаЮ логика, и ничего с этим поделать нельзЮ.
Привычка - вторая натура
Жена моего друга, стоит ее благоверному где-то подорваться на стакане, сразу закатывает истерики, при этом ее интересует только один вопрос - любит ли он ее, а если любит, почему пьет как собака? Однажды друган поддал выше нормы, настолько выше, что разморенный теплым июльским солнцем заснул прямо на скамейке в сквере. Через какое-то время к нему подошли два стража порядка. Диалог, который между ними состоялся, другану поведали в местном вытрезвителе на следующее утро, под истеричный хохот: - Гражданин, ваши документы?! - Люблю, люблю ... - Ваши документы, гражданин!!?! - Ну, сказал же, люблю ... - Да он невменяемый! - при этом один из стражей довольно прилично охреначил другана резиновой дубинкой, - документы давай! - Ой-ой-ой! Да говорю же, люблю, сильно люблю!!!
Сувенир от Горбачева
Это было третьего ноября 1995 года в Москве. Был жутко дождливый и слякотный вечер, я бродил по городу просто так - нечем было заняться и настроение очень подходило под погоду. Шел, шел и дошел до дома книги на Новом Арбате, а на нем висит объявление, суть которого в том, что сегодня 3.11.95 здесь, на втором этаже Михаил Сергеевич Горбачев будет давать автографы к своей новой книге "Жизнь и реформы" в двух томах. Книгу, соответственно, тоже можно приобрести. Я вдруг почему-то захотел это издание и автограф на память и зашел. И действительно - на втором этаже в окружении милиции сидит Горбачев и подписывает свои книги всем желающим. Приобретя за 45 рублей двухтомник, я встал в очередь и стал ждать. Можно было и не покупать книгу, а получить автограф на рекламном проспектике к книге, но я хотел именно книгу - на память. Передо мной в очереди стоял молодой человек со стандартным видом "бедного студента". Денег на книжку у него не было и он рассчитывал получить автограф на рекламке, но так как до окончания трехчасового мероприятия оставалось всего несколько минут, все рекламки уже раздали и расписываться Горбачеву было не на чем. Он задумался, осмотрел студента, спросил, есть ли у него какая-нибудь бумажка вообще. Студент извлек из какого-то дальнего кармана свой студенческий билет и протянул Горбачеву. Тот открыл его и обнаружил, что документ действителен на 91/92 учебный год, а на дворе был 95-й. Однако Горби не растерялся и написал в студенческом слово "Продлить" и расписался. Все чуть на пол не попадали от смеха. Вот это сувенир!
Дренажная трубка
В годы давние мой двоюродный братец служил стрелком на ЖД станции, в Новосибирске. И довелось наблюдать ему такую картину - приходит состав цистерн с, например, Агдамом и начинают этот состав пересортировывать. Как бы невзначай одна из цистерн откатывается в тихий уголок и там начинается просто цирковое представление: машинист разгоняет эту цистерну и потом резко так тормозит. А на цистерне есть трубка дренажная, просто так-то через нее ничего ни просунуть, ни откачать нельзя, но от резкого торможения Агдамчик этот через трубку бьет фонтаном. А в это время помощник машиниста с ведром пытается этот фонтан поймать! Через несколько итераций ведро наполнено, все герои грузятся в свой маневровик и отбывают (видимо, в депо).
Штукатуры
В далеком, забытом богом и властями селе Охтурье Тюменской области 6 студентов Минского радиотехнического занимаются покрытием штукатуркой здания непонятного назначения. Месяц июль. Издевательски печет солнце, в тени поджидают злобные банды крокодилообразных комаров. Вода поступает прямо из реки - с полным набором ароматов, от дохлой рыбы до химических отходов цивилизации. Белые ночи: просыпаешься, в горле плещется вчерашняя горилка, в башке гуляют стихии, за окном светло, на часах - два. Ночи? Дня? Хер знает. Поворачиваешься и опять засыпаешь. Но это все задний фон, декорации... Передний фон: Счекатурим мы, значит, стену. Берет Дима раствор на лопатку, залазит по лестнице наверх, плюхает его с эстетически-презрительным видом о стену, разглаживает, слазит, берет раствор на лопатку, залазит... размазывает, слазит, набирает лопатку, залазит, перекладина импровизированной лестницы ломается, Дима попадает в жестокие лапы гравитации... Приняв снова вертикальное положение, фыркает, как кот, попавший в раковину, и со словами "Вторая часть марлезонского балета! " решительно лезет опять наверх. Носилки с раствором, надо заметить стоят довольно далеко от лестницы и я без всякой задней мысли, желая облегчить ему работу, советую: - Ты носилки то поближе поставь... - Пробовал -отвечает Дима безнадежно, - Не попадаю я в них...
Настырный зампотех
В ЗабВО это случилось, в 1991 году. Жили-были в одной части солдаты. И очень хотелось им отпраздновать Новый год. А как на беду жил там еще злой и нехороший зампотех, который и сам не пил и солдатам не давал. И вот что вышло из этого противостояния. Зампотех мужик был весьма неглупый и очччень настырный. В Новый год презрев семейные радости он со скоростью Бэтмена перемещался по территории части заглядывая во все щели и закоулки, чем вызывал буйное неудовольствие семьи и ненависть личного состава, уставшего пить чай. Припасенная водка не давала покоя, разжигала жажду и сводила с ума, но активность сумасшедшего зампотеха не давала никаких шансов. И было принято соломоново решение - перенести праздник на более позднее время. Все надежды зампотеха по выполнению планов посещения личным составом гауптвахты рухнули в одно мгновение. Спустя несколько дней деды и черпаки солдатский Новый год решили-таки отпраздновать. С этой целью были взяты ключи от офицерской бани, приглашены девушки, принесена еда и поставлен шухер в казарме на случай если чего. Праздник был в полном разгаре, как раз в момент когда пару молодцев дружно кончали в местную красотку, а остальные разминались водочкой в баню влетел шухер: атас!!! зампотех в казарме!!! Старательный военный не удовлетворившийся бесплодной Новогодней ночью решил взять реванш и взялся быть дежурным офицером в ту ночь. Какие то неведомые флюиды вдруг вытащили его из теплой кровати и привели в казарму в поисках жертв. Появившись в казарме он выслушал рапорт дежурного, побродил по коридору, подергав за ручки и направился в расположение. За это время большая часть бойцов пробралась в казарму с запасного выхода, но не успела войти в расположение и так и осталась в темном коридоре, где, затаив дыхание, наблюдала за дальнейшими действиями зампотеха. Очутившись в расположении зампотех оглядел помещение и довольно потер руки: факт нарушения дисциплины был налицо: в казарме было много пустых кроватей с откинутыми одеялами. Дана команда, принесли список вечерней поверки и выяснили: нет половины личного состава. - Ну, и где они? - Наверное, в туалет вышли, тыщ майор... - Я вам устрою счас такой туалет... и с этими словами неунимающийся зампотех побежал в дежурку, где незамедлительно включил сигнал боевой тревоги части... Надо ли говорить, что по этому сигналу с постелей были подняты все офицеры части, вплоть до бати... Надо ли говорить, что они все, матерясь и чертыхаясь, застегивая портупеи принеслись к казарме... Надо ли говорить, что недостающая половина личного состава благополучно просочилась через запасной вход в казарму, откуда и выбежала с остальным личным составом тоже матерясь... Через 10 минут ВЕСЬ личный состав стоял в строю, а зампотех испуганно блеял бате: - Да как же так?! Я же видел... не было половины... туалет... Батя играл желваками и смотрел в никуда, офицеры мрачно смотрели на зампотеха. После короткого и энергичного полового акта с зампотехом всех распустили, а герой ночи пошел думать думу. Тут ему в голову пришла одна мысль - он пулей пронеся к запасному входу и... - Аааа, суки, вот как значит меня на#бали - подумал он, и после короткого полового акта с дежурным по роте, задумчиво побрел домой... Выждав пять минут и увидев спину удаляющегося зампотеха народ потянулся в баню... А спустя еще десять минут тишину ночи опять взрезала сирена. На этот раз зампотех был на посту... Надо ли говорить, что пока зампотех дежурил изнутри, недостающая половина личного состава тупо прибежала на место построения из-за угла казармы... Надо ли говорить, что по этому сигналу с постелей были подняты все офицеры части, вплоть до бати... Надо ли говорить, что когда торжествующий зампотех вышел из казармы он увидел ВЕСЬ личный состав и лица мрачных офицеров, а так же бездонные глаза бати и его желваки... Бэтмен попытался быстро испарится, был настигнут полковником в коридоре, где с ним был проведен половой акт в особо извращенной форме. После этого всех распустили. Зампотеху было присоветовано идти домой и принять таблетки. По инициативе не успевших познакомится с прелестями местных красоток к Бэтмену был приставлен дух из разведвзвода, дабы оттачивал мастерство маскировки, а заодно заранее предупреждал о налетах. Спустя пять минут, увидев спину удаляющегося зампотеха и тень ушуршавшего следом разведчика, народ потянулся в баню... А в это время, в карауле, получив информацию по телефону от дежурного по роте, о серии половых сношений с зампотехом, а так же о наличии, кроме прочих, в бане местной красотки под кодовым прозвищем "Большие сиськи" несколько охранявших Отчизну военных решили присоединиться к парящимся в бане. Доводы были следующие: - Начкар дрыхнет, а разводящий прикроет. От караулки до бани недалеко. После серии половых сношений у зампотеха болит попа и он уже не пойдет проверять караул. И главное - очень хочется е#аться... ну, и выпить... Бэтмена явно недооценили... Презрев семейные радости и начхав на настойчивые советы офицеров полечиться, он бросился выполнять свой служебный долг в караул. Дух-разведчик быстро оценил ситуацию и ломанулся в баню, хотя и не знал, что там уже под краном холодной воды обмывают свои члены караульные. Дальнейшее в точности повторило предыдущие события ночи... Караульные успели появится на территории караульного городка, но не успели попасть внутрь помещения. Бэтмен придя в караулку зашел в комнату отдыха личного состава и там... правильно, там никого не было, в караулке протирал глаза сонный и нечего не понимающий начкар и слонялось несколько теней духов, которым еще рано было обмывать свои члены. Зампотех радостно е ре р руки и с воплем "Караул в ружье!!! " бросился к рубильнику боевой тревоги караула... В это время предприимчивые военные обдираясь и матерясь протискивались через бойницы в комнату отдыха личного состава... Широко улыбаясь Бэтмен стоял у пирамиды с оружием и ждал. Вскоре его улыбка стала угасать - из дебрей караулки врывались караульные на ходу застегивающие амуницию, хватали оружие и вставали в строй. Лишних автоматов в пирамиде не осталось... Сонный и ничего не понимающий начкар с ожиданием смотрел в перекошенное лицо зампотеха и ждал вводную. Вводной не поступало, начкар недоумевал. Хрустящую тишину нарушил звериный рык зампотеха. Тыкая пальцев в первого от себя деда он вопил: - Сука!!! Где ты был?! - Отдыхал, тыщ майор!!! - Ты?! - В туалете, тыщ майор!!! - Бл#!!! Я вам покажу туалет, я вам счас устрою!!! Нападение на часового на восьмой точке, бегом, бля!!! В соответствии с боевым рс ас анием отдыхающая смена заняла оборону вокруг карпома, бодрствующая смена бегом утопала в ночь... В карпоме в это время шел половой акт с начкаром. Начкар ничего не понимал, божился и клялся, ссылался на то, что вот же они все здесь!!! - на месте!!! Зампотех не унимался, вращал бешено глазами и с пеной у рта орал на бедного прапорщика. Затем бросился вон, руководить войной вокруг карпома. Начкар решил позвонить дежурному по части. Тут он услышал о предшествующих событиях. После короткого совещания, было решено: зампотеха изловить, связать и доставить в санчасть для освидетельствования. Выполнено это было быстро и очень неожиданно для Бэтмена. Свою неудовлетворенность в половом вопросе, военные сублимировали на зампотехе... На всякий случай позвонили бате... Надо ли говорить, что утром на разводе зампотеха уже не было. Он ушел в быстротечный отпуск, после которого был переведен в другое подразделение, а затем говорят, и вообще ушел на гражданку. Надо ли говорить, что после этого случая, офицеры НИКОГДА не проверяли наличие личного состава после отбоя. Надо ли говорить, что половина парившихся в бане все-таки получили по призу - а именно: гусарский насморк, который потом и лечили в санчасти за водку и коноплю. Автор же этой заметки ничего не поймал, так как нажрался в самом начали и благополучно проспал всю ночь, так как никуда ему бегать не надо было - числился в патруле. Вот такая блин, вечная молодость...
Три баночки
Случилось это году так в 1996 в начале лета. Три студента одной из групп 1 курса ПГУПС были невероятно счастливы сдачей одного из экзаменов, так как им, ну, очень уж приперло поскорей его отпраздновать нольпяшечкой или даже литриком. Да и как же без этого - день просто замечательный, ребята все как на подбор - в костюмах (1 же курс пока), настроение лучше не придумаешь, водочку холодненькую купили, да вот беда - не продается нигде стаканчиков для наших молодцов. Как же быть? Ан нет! Где наша не пропадала?! Природная сообразительность не дала водке согреться, а настроению упасть - один из них был отправлен в... аптеку за... баночками, которые при кашле на спину ставят. А что? Размер собственно подходящий, да и стоят они недорого. Попробуйте представить себе картинку - молодой человек перед продавщицей в аптеке просит подать ему ТРИ баночки. А что оставалось продавщице, - правильно, только посоветовать перед использованием протереть...
Крепкий народ в Братске
Случилось это в году так 1988, мы с кентом учились в Томске, в ТИАСУРе. У нашего общего друга, который уже дипломировался год назад и жил в Усть-Илимске, случился праздник, годовщина свадьбы, он звонит нам в Томск и говорит, пацаны, приезжайте, посинячим, покажу Усть-Илимск, ГРЭС, то-се... Нас два раза приглашать не надо, нам собраться - только подопоясаться. А лететь надо через Братск, там пересадка, около четырех часов выпадает из графика. Мы выпили в буфете аэропорта по пивку, и пошли шляться по городу Братску, чтобы хоть как-то расширить кругозор. Идем по улице, смотрим по сторонам и наблюдаем такую картину: на пятом этаже, на балконе происходит какое-то действо, типа вялотекущей драки, наконец с балкона выпадает мужик и летит вниз, как-то ловко залетает в крону тополя, который стоял рядом с домом и продолжает свое падение. Грохот, треск ломающихся сучьев, шелест листвы, мы стоим обалдевшие, мужик падал что-то около минуты, причем молча. Наконец, он выпал снизу из тополя, шмякнулся об тротуар жопой, весь ободранный и есссно в дым пьяный, и сказал фразу, меня поразившую на всю жизнь: - ООООП - ЛЯ!!! Крепкий народ в Братске...