How to tell children
For you, the time of divorce is a time of agonizing agonizing; at the same time you must be strong and support children is not an easy task. But children need to be told what is happening and, depending on age, why.
Your children will immediately have questions that need to be answered clearly, and as many times as they ask you, and children can ask dozens of times, during and after the divorce. The questions most often are: “Why are you doing this?”, “Where will I live?”, “Will I have to go to another school?”, “Where will my dad live?”, “When will I see him?” Experts say that children need to be assured that their needs will be met.
“Older children can tell more about the reasons for divorce, omitting, of course, details of intimate relationships, but be careful, do not speak ill of the other parent, warns Dr. Ahronz. Even if you are very angry with him, do not tell your children that you hate their father, she advises. After all, they are part of it. If you hate him, you say that you hate that which is part of him. ”
Do not expect your children to remain serenely happy when such an important social shift occurs in their lives. Even barely walking and the babies react negatively; they are disturbed in sleep, problems with food begin, regress in the administration of natural needs. Children of preschool age may begin to fight or bite, characterized by outbursts of anger. Children of primary school age often become lethargic or hyperactive, begin to hate school or urinate into bed. Older children and teenagers often become depressed, feel lonely, useless, insignificant to anyone, they are hurt, they are anxious, they may experience shame. This is almost enough to keep you from a divorce. And many parents do that.
After a divorce, when you need to rebuild your life, you must become the main support for your child. Much depends on your behavior during the divorce process. This means that both of you should behave with dignity, but this is not always feasible in the heat of passion. Very often the divorce procedure really turns into a battle.
Dr. Ahronz singled out four types of parental behavior after a divorce: “worst enemies”, “angry companions at each other”, “collaborating colleagues”, “good friends”. “It’s best for children if their parents maintain friendly relations, taking care of the children together,” she said. Otherwise, children are drawn into conflicts between their parents, and this is a disaster. ”
One 15-year-old girl told Dr. Ahronz that she denied religion to herself. Why? Her father is a Jew, and her mother is a Catholic. If she had to choose a religion, it would mean that she favors one parent, but she cannot do this, the girl explained.